edgygirl Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 How do you tamper someone's first date expectations? Or do you? I've been in my current country for over 10 years but never met someone from the same country I was born in with the same (religious/ethnic) background as me... which is quite crazy if you think about it. We're meeting this week and this is the first time for both of us meeting someone who lives here with so much in common... and I feel the guy is expecting way too much. He keeps saying how perfect I seem to be, how beautiful I am, etc. I don't think he's BSing me, he really feels this way. But I also feel it may be too much expectation for a first date!!! I told him that online things are actually an illusion and that he's prob expecting too much... am I being a downer? Or is it right to try to lower someone's expectations?
Lotsgoingon Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Just be direct ... You can politely say, "hey, I appreciate the interest, but I'd rather you get to know me before you gave me all these compliments." Or ... "I'm glad you find me attractive, but please don't let your fantasy of me get in the way of getting to really know me. Let's go out and get to know each other." And you want to tag this behavior as a bit of a red flag. He's intoxicated and infatuated with you ... and jumping way ahead ... Which doesn't give you room to be yourself--he doesn't know that you become too much of an object of his fantasy when he does this. So just notice that ... it may or may not get in the way later on ... God, I've done what he's doing ... and had a blunt conversation with a woman about it when I caught myself. Too much flattery too soon is a turn off. It actually blocks you from coming towards him ... it can come off as creepy. You can also say something along the lines of "Hey, I want to get to know you and you to know me, but that takes time. So as much as I appreciate the comments, they're a little premature right now--because we don't know each other very well." Good luck. Just make clear that you need him to let go of the fantasy of you in order to really get to know you ... and then you can SEE if you guys are a good fit for a relationship. This isn't insulting by the way because this guy needs to hear this to really have any chance of connecting with you. 1
frankspeci Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I've had matches make some of the most absurd leaps about "us" prior to a first date. A girl would text me paragraphs daily until we met. Then we met, went out, had a one night stand, got in an argument a week later and never spoke again. Another girl kept going on about how we had so many similar interests and similar background. Then we met up for coffee and she texted me the next day saying she felt no romantic interest. Its bizarre and awkward and jarring. I understand being optimistic, but I think some of these people are living in fantasy worlds when they find a match that's somewhat promising. They completely forget that they're connecting with actual fallible people, not idols tailored by god specifically for them. I say just ride the wave and let them face reality on the first date. At most maybe ignore the stuff they say. But if you're meeting within a week, no point in making it an issue yet.
emeraldgreen Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Or is it right to try to lower someone's expectations? It's not your job to manage other people's expectations. Unfortunately, he'll have to live or die based on the hopes he gave himself. This is just speculation at this point, of course, because he might find you as lovely as you already appear to him. 2
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You are right, people can get high expectations before the first date, and it's because you are messaging each other way too much. It's better to have a few quick messages, set up a date, and then communicate to confirm the date. Save the rest for the date. There are people who have posted on the boards, saying they are already doing the good morning and goodnight texts and they haven't even met yet. So in future, do minimum texting and that should fix that. 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 Gosh you guys are awesome thanks everyone... the whole thing was making me anxious. I agree with all you said. Thankfully he's decisive and we are already meeting this week. I really dislike guys who take more than 3 interactions to set up a date. As smackie said - and it took me years to realize it - too much interaction before meeting doesn't work well in the end. I used to think it helped connecting. It does not. It's just an illusion. You only know someone when you actually meet. But of course deep down I hope emeraldgreen is right and we will like each other Thanks ya'll! Too much flattery too soon is a turn off. It actually blocks you from coming towards him ... it can come off as creepy. I understand being optimistic, but I think some of these people are living in fantasy worlds when they find a match that's somewhat promising. It's not your job to manage other people's expectations. Unfortunately, he'll have to live or die based on the hopes he gave himself. This is just speculation at this point, of course, because he might find you as lovely as you already appear to him. You are right, people can get high expectations before the first date, and it's because you are messaging each other way too much. It's better to have a few quick messages, set up a date, and then communicate to confirm the date. Save the rest for the date. 1
PRW Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 How do you tamper someone's first date expectations? Or do you? You go for accuracy. Not too much, not too little,...just accurate.
PRW Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 There are people who have posted on the boards, saying they are already doing the good morning and goodnight texts and they haven't even met yet. I had a woman do that to me. She "burned out" before we even met,...and we ended up not meeting. I didn't play along with it. I did always respond, never ignored her texts,...but I wouldn't play the game and do the same thing she was. She seemed a bit emotionally unstable to me and it ran the course exactly as I predicted it would. I figure I dodged a bullet. 3
Giraffe-A Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You’re not a downer, you’re cautious. His excitement will die down soon after meeting and will go back to the site to find that high. Or the date lasts 4-6 hours and both of you seem excited after and never see each other again. It’s too predictable. I would meet, have a great time and keep your options open and state you will until you find someone you’d like to be exclusive with.
Author edgygirl Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 I agree. Sadly that's the case 99% of the time. He just called me again today. I am also getting carried away because of our shared background - we grew up in adjacent neighborhoods by the beach It's easy to feel so much familiarity and almost like you're already friends. So it's sad but good to keep what you said in mind. He stated I must have many men after me and asked why am I single. lol. If he only knew it's as hard for me to find the right person pretty much like everyone else on loveshack You’re not a downer, you’re cautious. His excitement will die down soon after meeting and will go back to the site to find that high. Or the date lasts 4-6 hours and both of you seem excited after and never see each other again. It’s too predictable. I would meet, have a great time and keep your options open and state you will until you find someone you’d like to be exclusive with.
Author edgygirl Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 Gosh that has happened to me as well! It is indeed better to keep communication to a minimum and set up a meeting within a week. I had a woman do that to me. She "burned out" before we even met,...and we ended up not meeting.
PRW Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 He stated I must have many men after me and asked why am I single. lol. Never good when they say that. It is a sure sign of insecurity. It means they don't see themselves as "worthy" and have put you on a pedestal. Because of their view of themselves they will expect it to fail, and may often at some point along the way subconsciously sabotage it and fulfill their expectations. They will say afterwards to their friends that you were "out of their league" and that it would have never worked and by saying that they think they are removing responsibility from themselves. Now, it may not always end that way, there is a bit of a sliding scale to it, but that kind of ending is common when they have that viewpoint. 1
some_username1 Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Never good when they say that. It is a sure sign of insecurity. It means they don't see themselves as "worthy" and have put you on a pedestal. Because of their view of themselves they will expect it to fail, and may often at some point along the way subconsciously sabotage it and fulfill their expectations. They will say afterwards to their friends that you were "out of their league" and that it would have never worked and by saying that they think they are removing responsibility from themselves. Now, it may not always end that way, there is a bit of a sliding scale to it, but that kind of ending is common when they have that viewpoint. That's not necessarily the case. I will playfully raise the question of whether they get hit on a lot as a form of market research to see what dating is like for them. I've been told a few times recently by attractive women that they don't get hit on at all although they wish they would because they hate relying on online dating. So as far as I am concerned that is useful info for me to make more of an effort to find places with quality women to hit on because there appears to be not as much competition for the typeof women I go for as there is on a dating app. You can also learn a lot about a person's character (of either gender) by carefully navigating around their recent dating experiences and their perspective of why they are single. 1
PRW Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 (edited) That's not necessarily the case. I will playfully raise the question of whether they get hit on a lot as a form of market research to see what dating is like for them. I've been told a few times recently by attractive women that they don't get hit on at all although they wish they would because they hate relying on online dating. So as far as I am concerned that is useful info for me to make more of an effort to find places with quality women to hit on because there appears to be not as much competition for the typeof women I go for as there is on a dating app. You are misleading yourself. You are trying to find out information that just doesn't matter. If your approach and dating skills are what they should be then the competition doesn't matter. You are trying to find low-competition venues when you should go where the competition actually is so that when they flame out it makes you stand out. On the other hand if the competition succeeds then you should observe and learn from watching them. If you "get the girl" in a low-competition venue you will not be able to keep her. She will eventually go to a high-competition venue at some point and you will get pushed out because your skills were lacking allowing the competition to look better by comparing to you. It is like the principle of entering an easy race so you can win, but then when you enter a more competitive race you get creamed. You should enter the more competitive race so you can learn and gain the skills. Edited December 26, 2018 by PRW 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 He does seem a little insecure. Yesterday he also said [jokingly, but...] that if I don't like him I can pretend I got an important phone call and leave the date. wth? But then again if I am honest, at times I am a bit insecure myself, something I have to work on Never good when they say that. It is a sure sign of insecurity. It means they don't see themselves as "worthy" and have put you on a pedestal. Because of their view of themselves they will expect it to fail, and may often at some point along the way subconsciously sabotage it and fulfill their expectations. They will say afterwards to their friends that you were "out of their league" and that it would have never worked and by saying that they think they are removing responsibility from themselves. Now, it may not always end that way, there is a bit of a sliding scale to it, but that kind of ending is common when they have that viewpoint.
Author edgygirl Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 (edited) Interesting. Yes there's def something to what you're saying. I also usually ask people why are they single to try and gather what their issues are. I did feel he was testing me to see what's my situation.But I found it funny cause that's the kind of thing - I - ask, men don't usually go into research mode with me. That's not necessarily the case. I will playfully raise the question of whether they get hit on a lot as a form of market research to see what dating is like for them. I've been told a few times recently by attractive women that they don't get hit on at all although they wish they would because they hate relying on online dating. So as far as I am concerned that is useful info for me to make more of an effort to find places with quality women to hit on because there appears to be not as much competition for the typeof women I go for as there is on a dating app. You can also learn a lot about a person's character (of either gender) by carefully navigating around their recent dating experiences and their perspective of why they are single. But I also agree with this - I am also trying to stop investigating too much - my last dating experience crashed cause we talked too much about his recent ex. In the end, the exes don't really matter. What matters is how you're getting along with this person. Although in general certain patterns do repeat, it's better to focus on how the current experience feels with this person. You are misleading yourself. You are trying to find out information that just doesn't matter. If your approach and dating skills are what they should be then the competition doesn't matter. You are trying to find low-competition venues when you should go where the competition actually is so that when they flame out it makes you stand out. On the other hand if the competition succeeds then you should observe and learn from watching them. If you "get the girl" in a low-competition venue you will not be able to keep her. She will eventually go to a high-competition venue at some point and you will get pushed out because your skills were lacking allowing the competition to look better by comparing to you. It is like the principle of entering an easy race so you can win, but then when you enter a more competitive race you get creamed. You should enter the more competitive race so you can learn and gain the skills. Edited December 26, 2018 by edgygirl
some_username1 Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 You are misleading yourself. You are trying to find out information that just doesn't matter. If your approach and dating skills are what they should be then the competition doesn't matter. You are trying to find low-competition venues when you should go where the competition actually is so that when they flame out it makes you stand out. On the other hand if the competition succeeds then you should observe and learn from watching them. If you "get the girl" in a low-competition venue you will not be able to keep her. She will eventually go to a high-competition venue at some point and you will get pushed out because your skills were lacking allowing the competition to look better by comparing to you. It is like the principle of entering an easy race so you can win, but then when you enter a more competitive race you get creamed. You should enter the more competitive race so you can learn and gain the skills. Well with respect I can understand why you might look at it from that perspective but I would argue that it depends whether you view an abundance of competition as a way to test yourself or you view it as less optimal. Eg a martial artist can be fully confident in his ability to defeat as many foes as can be thrown at him but does that mean it is sensible if given the choice, to choose to fight 10 enemies or 5 to achieve his goal? And on the subject of a girl choosing to go elsewhere then she is free to do so, I don't chase. The simple act of her doing that filters me out but similarly, it filters her out too and saves me time and money. After all, no-one is irreplaceable in life, even her. To bring this back to your point OP, I totally empathise- I am chatting with a woman right now (we are arranging a first date which has been held up because of Christmas) and mentioned that I want to go on holiday this time next year and avoid all the family nonsense and she replied "you never know what will happen next year " - oh please! We haven't even met and she is intimating we will be spending next Christmas together. I wish people wouldn't do that...So my advice is just to stay neutral and not acknowledge it, their perceptions are their perceptions. I used to get really worked up about crazy commonalities (I had a date with a girl who used to live on the same road as me in a town hundreds of miles away from where we met and who went to the same nightclubs, probably knew the same people- did it go anywhere? No) but have learned that it simply isn't worth getting worked up about because attraction is strange. It sounds like this guy simply hasn't learnt that lesson yet. As much as it may ruin your date, it's his problem.
PRW Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 He does seem a little insecure. Yesterday he also said [jokingly, but...] that if I don't like him I can pretend I got an important phone call and leave the date. wth?That one is really bad. He is saying, "Unworthy! Unworthy! (down on his knees),...you're going to dump me any second aren't you!?....I'm bracing myself for the impact! I didn't see any mention of ages. Are we dealing with someone in their early 20's. 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 Gosh... she probably said it jokingly but indeed, it's way too much. We women can be so silly. Thank you for reminding me notto be like that To bring this back to your point OP, I totally empathise- I am chatting with a woman right now (we are arranging a first date which has been held up because of Christmas) and mentioned that I want to go on holiday this time next year and avoid all the family nonsense and she replied "you never know what will happen next year " - oh please! We haven't even met and she is intimating we will be spending next Christmas together. I wish people wouldn't do that...So my advice is just to stay neutral and not acknowledge it, their perceptions are their perceptions. I used to get really worked up about crazy commonalities (I had a date with a girl who used to live on the same road as me in a town hundreds of miles away from where we met and who went to the same nightclubs, probably knew the same people- did it go anywhere? No) but have learned that it simply isn't worth getting worked up about because attraction is strange. It sounds like this guy simply hasn't learnt that lesson yet. As much as it may ruin your date, it's his problem.
Author edgygirl Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 Yeah... hope it was just a bad joke because we are both in our 40s! He's 4 years younger than me though. If anything, I am the one who should be "afraid" cause he could easily go for a 30 yo lol. That one is really bad. He is saying, "Unworthy! Unworthy! (down on his knees),...you're going to dump me any second aren't you!?....I'm bracing myself for the impact! I didn't see any mention of ages. Are we dealing with someone in their early 20's.
PRW Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Yeah... hope it was just a bad joke because we are both in our 40s! He's 4 years younger than me though. If anything, I am the one who should be "afraid" cause he could easily go for a 30 yo lol. I was wondering because his behavor and low confidence level seem to be that of someone more young and immature. Of course I have never met him,...I can only go by what you described.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 How do you tamper someone's first date expectations? Or do you? I've been in my current country for over 10 years but never met someone from the same country I was born in with the same (religious/ethnic) background as me... which is quite crazy if you think about it. We're meeting this week and this is the first time for both of us meeting someone who lives here with so much in common... and I feel the guy is expecting way too much. He keeps saying how perfect I seem to be, how beautiful I am, etc. I don't think he's BSing me, he really feels this way. But I also feel it may be too much expectation for a first date!!! I told him that online things are actually an illusion and that he's prob expecting too much... am I being a downer? Or is it right to try to lower someone's expectations? Absolutely that is too much coming from him before your 1st date. In these cases, a lot of times its infatuation, not actual like/love. That infatuation comes quickly and disappears just as fast. He could be doing it to butter you up for sex as well, but more likely an ego boost. I had a guy do this to me and he ended it with excuses on why we couldn't date. Proceed with caution. 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 27, 2018 Author Posted December 27, 2018 So the date went well, I think. In the end he repeated the same phrase on the date - saying I must "have many men after me"... not sure what that is about. Well yeah, I have many first date prospects, but real relationship prospects> Not that often. It's obvious we all have many options with OLD, but I don't think that means anything. It's so hard to find someone right at the right time. Let's see how it goes moving forward. I drank one more glass than I should have and probably also said a couple of things I should not have. He kissed me and kept asking when we were seeing each other again. He texted me good night after the date but hasn't written me today... Absolutely that is too much coming from him before your 1st date. In these cases' date=' a lot of times its infatuation, not actual like/love. That infatuation comes quickly and disappears just as fast. He could be doing it to butter you up for sex as well, but more likely an ego boost. I had a guy do this to me and he ended it with excuses on why we couldn't date. Proceed with caution.[/quote']
soyou Posted December 27, 2018 Posted December 27, 2018 A few weeks back I dated a guy who was very similar! He had way so much expectations before we met! I wanted to tell him to calm down and be realistic but I also realized it’s not my responsibility to keep in in tact! So then we met! While we talked, I could read on his face that he had a checklist of me and he was trying to see which boxes I ticked and matched with his expectations! I’ve never been nervous on any date but the date with him really made me feel uncomfortable and couldn’t be myself! I’m still traumatized about that date until now! Whenever I feel that a guy is too excited to meet me, I’m scared!!
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