ChristineK Posted December 24, 2018 Posted December 24, 2018 Hello! I am having a hard time rationalizing things right now so I could use some objective advice. Here it goes, My husband of 2 years and relationship of 7 years has ended. It has been very rough for the last year and a half or so. He has been incredibly abusive (emotionally, verbally, psychologically) on top of being an alcoholic and I have finally broken free. That's not the part I'm struggling with. I've met someone, online, who lives not far from me. We started talking a little before my ex and I finished off. He has been incredibly supportive of me through the entire process. Not pushing me any direction, just being a listening ear and allowing me to vent. He was in a 9-year long relationship with someone with BPD and knows how it feels to leave an abusive relationship. Because of this, he has some extreme trust issues and a hard time being vulnerable. He is also incredibly stubborn. Problem is, he does not want to meet me. He has expressed romantic interest but has stated that because I am in the "middle" of all of this he does not want to be a rebound or a product of my prior relationship. He believes if we meet it will be hard for us to not want to start a relationship. We talk every single night and have been for about a month now. We've both obviously become emotionally attached. I am very frustrated because I do not know where this is going. I obviously want to pursue something romantically with him but I also understand his perspective. Sometimes I can get very insecure and think that maybe just isn't that into me, or isn't willing to invest in me the way I am. I want to pursue something with him as I believe he is everything I have been missing. He is strong, independent, confident, stable and kind. Everything my ex wasn't. My ex and I are done. There is no longer a relationship there. And I do want to focus on myself, more than anything I know I need to reconnect and find myself again. But, I really want to pursue something with this guy. I spend a lot of time thinking about him and what a great relationship we would have. I know he would also be very supportive of me staying focused on myself in the midst of that, which is what I need. What do I do? Do I phase him out? Do I put more pressure on him? I don't want to provide ultimatums but I and getting exhausted by talking every night and never meeting. I have told him how I feel and he just says I should do whatever I feel is right but he wants to go at his own pace. Which makes me just respect him more! Help. Please. Objective advice. I feel like my heart is saying he would be great for me, but my head is saying I deserve better.
basil67 Posted December 24, 2018 Posted December 24, 2018 I think you need to question your heart. Is a stubborn guy who isn't ready to date really a good match for you? I fear that the scars of your past are letting you see second best as a good option because you've come from having something even worse. Do not ever wait around for anybody. I'd be telling him "I really like you, but I can't wait around. I need to move on. I'm sure you understand" Then cut him off.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 24, 2018 Posted December 24, 2018 He has valid points about not wanting to date you right now. However, his refusal to even meet once in person would make me wonder if he’s already involved with someone himself. You met online, you say; was it on a dating site? 1
kendahke Posted December 24, 2018 Posted December 24, 2018 My husband of 2 years and relationship of 7 years has ended. When? How long ago did this marriage end? My husband of 2 years and relationship of 7 years has ended. It has been very rough for the last year and a half or so. He has been incredibly abusive (emotionally, verbally, psychologically) on top of being an alcoholic and I have finally broken free. He has expressed romantic interest but has stated that because I am in the "middle" of all of this he does not want to be a rebound or a product of my prior relationship. He believes if we meet it will be hard for us to not want to start a relationship. My ex and I are done. There is no longer a relationship there. But are you divorced? Where are you in the divorce process? You don't mention that at all. Are the papers filed and this is going through the court system yet? Or are you and your husband still cohabiting? What do I do? Do I phase him out? Do I put more pressure on him? I don't want to provide ultimatums but I and getting exhausted by talking every night and never meeting. I have told him how I feel and he just says I should do whatever I feel is right but he wants to go at his own pace. Which makes me just respect him more! No--you certainly do not put more pressure on him. And don't issue any ultimatums unless you really don't ever want to deal with him again. You don't have the upper hand here. You have a lot of work to do, if you are not divorced or if you haven't been divorced long. I'm thinking that you haven't been out of your marriage very long if he's calling himself a rebound and seeing this situation exactly for what it is: a rebound. This guy isn't going to let himself get chewed up like that and good for him. Don't look to him to rescue you. You're going to have to do some hard swimming against the current for some time until you've been away from and settled from the demise of your marriage, sorry to say.
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 (edited) I want to pursue something with him as I believe he is everything I have been missing. He is strong, independent, confident, stable and kind. Everything my ex wasn't. Respectfully, how do you know this? You haven't even met the man. In one sentence, you say he has trust issues, he is stubborn, and he does not want to meet you. And then, you say he is everything you are looking for in a man... Are you sure about that? To second what Kendahke said, do not look for a man to rescue you. You need to be fostering all the qualities you say you hope to find in a man, in yourself. Now is the time to develop your own strength, resiliancy, independence, and stability - before forming another relationship. To be very honest, you are clearly vulnerable and you have previously demonstrated that your picker is off - you may well be jumping form one bad relationship to another without doing the proper due diligence. It would be wise for you to slow yourself down and take some time on your own before you search for another relationship. It's no easy thing to end a serious relationship, and there is a lot of healing and learning that needs to be done when that relationship is abusive and unhealthy. There is no rush to find another relationship, lest you be jumping from the pot into the frying pan... Edited December 25, 2018 by BaileyB 1
Author ChristineK Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 Wow. Amazing advice. Thank you, exactly what I needed to hear. You're right. I don't know him, I've fallen for what I think he is. Which is exactly what you said, what I need to do for myself. I need time to heal.
BaileyB Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Christine, are you getting some counselling to help you to discover what signs you missed and why you chose to marry an abusive man who had a problem with alcohol? Perhaps, even attending some Al-Anon meetings would be helpful. Good on you for getting out! Now, you need to make sure you never find yourself in a similar situation again...
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Just because you two have had a similar relationship experiences, doesn't make you a match made in heaven. In fact getting together is combining two loads of baggage which will weigh the both of you down. It will create a different type of unhealthy relationship called co-dependency. The attraction is being based on your need to have support/understanding. He is having a fight of resistance because he knows this can turn unhealthy, even tho he really likes you. It's pretty evident this is not going to get off the ground. Everyone is right, you need more time and to find other means of support to help you heal. I'm so glad to hear you found the strength to get out of an abusive relationship. I know by my own experience how hard it is to finally break free physically AND emotionally. Spend you time getting yourself back from what was lost of your independence, then you will be ready to try again. 1
Larry56 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 You could just use this guy as entertainment to fully get over your ex. That's what most people do in your situation.
elaine567 Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 You could just use this guy as entertainment to fully get over your ex. That's what most people do in your situation. Hardly entertainment since he refuses to meet up... 1
preraph Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Look, he doesn't want to meet you! He's just an online friend. He isn't interested. Stop going after guys who don't want you or treat you bad, for your own good. Date someone local! 1
chillii Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 Stop going after "anyone" , right now actually. Your marriage broke up what 2 mths ago . Regardless of what is or isn't really between you or what his sitch is he's using his brains no way known l'd trust a woman in your situation. Why would you even wanna jump straight back into the fry pan so soon.
kendahke Posted December 26, 2018 Posted December 26, 2018 (edited) OP==I've noticed that you skirted around and avoided answering not only my question, but Stillafool's question, too... and I'm curious about why that is. In case you missed it (it's post #4): Quote: My husband of 2 years and relationship of 7 years has ended. When? How long ago did this marriage end? Quote: It has been very rough for the last year and a half or so. He has been incredibly abusive (emotionally, verbally, psychologically) on top of being an alcoholic and I have finally broken free. He has expressed romantic interest but has stated that because I am in the "middle" of all of this he does not want to be a rebound or a product of my prior relationship. He believes if we meet it will be hard for us to not want to start a relationship. My ex and I are done. There is no longer a relationship there. But are you divorced? Where are you in the divorce process? You don't mention that at all. Are the papers filed and this is going through the court system yet? Or are you and your husband still cohabiting and you're just mad at him for something? Simple question, really. Not understanding the avoidance/hiding or the playing off those who have asked this question. Edited December 26, 2018 by kendahke
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