Human company

[burnt]

My whole life I have hated crowded places--especially stores during busy times (like Christmas times). I always prefer to go when there's hardly anyone around.

 

Yesterday, I went to a store to buy something. I was warned that that store would be crazy busy around now; I still went. I took my time. I bought one of the things I needed; then instead of buying the 2nd, I decided I'd come back again.

 

What desperate things would you do to relieve yourself from loneliness that go on for hour and days and months and then years? I went to a store so that I could walk around in a place that had some people in it. There is only so much of this is sheer loneliness I can take inside my living space day-in-day-out.

 

I have only couple of friends; one lives out of state and one is busy most of the times. No family. And social skills are poor as hell and despite my best efforts I can't find it easy to make connections through all the efforts I have made. It's a rate event to find someone I can connect with to even have a simple conversation.

 

So, I go to stores: shopping centers and grocery stores.

 

For those of you (if any) who also live their lives in almost isolation, how do you cope? What desperate things do you do?

 

(PLEASE--no advice on how to fix myself; when you have been lonely your whole life despite your best efforts, "advice" makes you feel even more incompetent and unworthy and small).

[Garcon1986]

It's paradoxical that you simultaneously hate crowded places and also crave companionship?

 

Maybe go try for some extracurricular clubs through meetup.com where you can get regular contact with people you like, so you don't have to avoid huge crowds.

[losangelena]

As my mom has gotten older, she’s become increasingly isolated, too. Friends and family have either moved away or died, etc. Her closest friend is in Florida (she’s in Oregon), and my brother is about three hours away.

 

Do you know what she does? She volunteers for a meal program for homeless people. She actually organizes it for her church. That way, she is the point person for their weekend of the month to serve, so not only is she in touch with people to sign up other volunteers, she is there once a month in the kitchen cooking and serving. That’s a big component of her social interaction. I’d imagine it gets tiresome always being “the useful” one, but it’s better than isolation.

 

I’m not really religious, but the two times I moved to new cities by myself, I did get involved in church groups, because I knew that a lot of those folks would be friendly, and they were. I still have some friends from that time to this day.

[Mr. Lucky]

(PLEASE--no advice on how to fix myself; when you have been lonely your whole life despite your best efforts, "advice" makes you feel even more incompetent and unworthy and small).

 

Maybe go try for some extracurricular clubs through meetup.com where you can get regular contact with people you like, so you don't have to avoid huge crowds.

 

Agree with Garcon1986 and I think the advice is more about addressing your situation than it is about fixing yourself.

 

My son has some of the same traits you do, difficulty in connecting with people and trouble sustaining relationships. We were concerned when he moved to a new city for work, far from family and the few friends he has, he'd be isolated and lonely.

 

Meetup has been a godsend for him. You don't need refined social skills or the ability to schmooze, you just show up and do the activity with like-minded people.

 

Seems like it'd at least be worth a try. You're already going to a place where people are assembled, why not choose a group there for the same reason as you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[eleanorrigby]

 

What desperate things would you do to relieve yourself from loneliness that go on for hour and days and months and then years?

 

For those of you (if any) who also live their lives in almost isolation, how do you cope? What desperate things do you do?

 

My primary human contact is my husband. I spend 90% of my time solitary, home alone, doing my thing. Hanging out on forums like this goes a long way towards filling in people gaps in my life, and my work at home job helps a lot.

I’ve found that my need for people contact is apparently pretty low, those two things, plus my husband fills my need for people nicely.

So thank goodness because were it not, my lifestyle would have me climbing the walls.

 

One need that I’m severely lacking though is recreation, outings and fun events.

That is getting harder and harder and harder to deal with as each day passes. Things in that area need to improve soon.

[Giraffe-A]

I’ve been practically alone since the love of my life passed away in 2004. Driving long distances on isolated highways really seemed to help me cope. I also started going to the gym 6 days a week. I remember that the following New Year when the gyms get crowded, a girl had recognized me from the year prior. She sadi, “wow! You really stuck to it.” She became my new gym buddy. I ate at the local restaurants just about everyday. Slowly, I made friends there too. And I’m not an easy person to approach, but when people get curious, they work up the courage to break the ice.

[alphamale]

well...I was going to say something but I decided not to as I may offend the OP

[diddilybop]

after a really bad breakup six years ago, i completely isolated myself. i was living in a new city too, so, i didn't know anyone, besides classmates at school. what helped me cope was to join a gym and take group fitness classes. i'd go four days a week, taking different classes, from cardio-dance, boxing, spin class and yoga. being in a group setting without the pressure to actually schmooze really helped. on top of getting that "companionship" from my gym, i was getting healthier too!

[guest569]

I do this too. I’ll go and buy some item from the shop, or maybe go to a cinema , park or gallery to be alone but near people. I don’t see these as desperate unless you get clingy with the shop keeper.. But then there is going through my contacts trying to strike up conversations even with distant exes. Or watch reaction videos on YouTube. Talking to self. Oh and getting in the car to drove around the block or go through the drive through takeaway

Edited December 25, 2018 by smiley1

[2.50 a gallon]

Many years ago, I married over the holidays, we then moved a thousand miles away to Silicon Valley for her job, and broke up 6 months later in July. I had just moved into a new apartment, but did not yet know anyone, and my fellow residents seemed stuffy. Come Thanksgiving time, I had 4 days off, and no friends, what to do? It being the start of the holiday season.

I had long been an advocate of decorating for the holidays, so that took some time, but in so doing discovered some cookies cutters, from my youth that my mom and given us. So spent the next 4 days decorating cookies to the Nth degree. It helped keep me busy for the 4 days. And it paid off in spades, as I took some to work and others I bagged up and gave to the neighbors. A couple of the gals said the next time you bake some, let me know if you need a helper.

Over the next decade, a baking cookies date became a regular thing. 20 plus years ago, on our third date I baked Halloween cookies with a gal totally out of my league. The tradition still continues, as last week we had her grand daughter and great grandson over for our annual Christmas cookie bake.

[burnt]

Many years ago, I married over the holidays, we then moved a thousand miles away to Silicon Valley for her job, and broke up 6 months later in July. I had just moved into a new apartment, but did not yet know anyone, and my fellow residents seemed stuffy. Come Thanksgiving time, I had 4 days off, and no friends, what to do? It being the start of the holiday season.

I had long been an advocate of decorating for the holidays, so that took some time, but in so doing discovered some cookies cutters, from my youth that my mom and given us. So spent the next 4 days decorating cookies to the Nth degree. It helped keep me busy for the 4 days. And it paid off in spades, as I took some to work and others I bagged up and gave to the neighbors. A couple of the gals said the next time you bake some, let me know if you need a helper.

Over the next decade, a baking cookies date became a regular thing. 20 plus years ago, on our third date I baked Halloween cookies with a gal totally out of my league. The tradition still continues, as last week we had her grand daughter and great grandson over for our annual Christmas cookie bake.

 

Thank you for sharing that. That's a sweet story. I enjoyed reading that.

[burnt]

after a really bad breakup six years ago, i completely isolated myself. i was living in a new city too, so, i didn't know anyone, besides classmates at school. what helped me cope was to join a gym and take group fitness classes. i'd go four days a week, taking different classes, from cardio-dance, boxing, spin class and yoga. being in a group setting without the pressure to actually schmooze really helped. on top of getting that "companionship" from my gym, i was getting healthier too!

 

That's my experience too. Being physically present in a place with people but not actually interacting reduces my anxiety just a little bit. Actually talking to people only amplifies my sense of loneliness even more. All I hear is everyone has has a "life" and I don't.

[burnt]

well...I was going to say something but I decided not to as I may offend the OP

 

Thank you and I appreciate you recognizing that. I really did meant it when I said "no advice please". What I need now is not advice but a sense that someone else can actually understand what I am dealing with and especially the fact that I have tried and done all those things that are typically suggested.

[OpenBook]

The older I get the more I treasure my "alone time." It feels like a recharge, a rebalancing, best way I can put it. Because people can suck the life right outta ya, God bless 'em. I know I get on other people's nerves too.

 

But I get what you're saying about the loneliness that sets in when you're isolated for too long. It doesn't feel healthy. You want to be "plugged in" to humanity in some way. Hence the venturing out to be around people in general, without actually "engaging" with them.

 

I feel better when I'm mindful to be kind and friendly to complete strangers when I'm out & about running errands, no matter how grumpy I feel inside. Just little random acts of kindness sprinkled about like fairy dust:D. Everybody's just trying to get on with their lives.

[Normm]

It's paradoxical that you simultaneously hate crowded places and also crave companionship?

 

 

Thats not paradoxical at all.

 

 

 

I'd much prefer being with my significant other in a quiet restaurant or hiking up a mountain with nobody else around. As compared to, say a rock concert with people screaming and yelling all around or being on a dance floor in a hot night club crammed with half drunk patrons.

[Logo]

Hobbies. Find a hobby that requires you to innovate or create, it can be anything from building model trains to amateur radio.

 

The problem I found with that a long time ago was that my social skills suffered. The more we practice our social skills, the more adept we become at interacting with the world.

 

Isolate yourself long enough, and you’ll start to question your perception of reality.

 

But hobbies can keep you busy, keep you engaged, help you pass the time.

 

Some people go to public libraries just to sit and read. Other people go to the park, walk their dog, play chess.

 

This might be unsolicited, but I’m sorry you’re lonely. I’ve been there. We’re social animals, we need at least one person to share life with. I hope you’ll find that person or persons soon. It can be anyone, even the nice lady that pours your coffee every day at the diner.

[LuckyM]

Shopping can be therapeutic. Nothing wrong there.

I will start a conversation with the merchant. Sometimes I go the store just for that reason and don't buy anything. Only for brief conversation. Only remember that the merchant salesperson is being nice because he or she wants your business and is supposed to be, not because he genuinely likes you.

[burnt]

Every suggestion that has been made is good and I agree with. The problem is when all those things have been tried and the loneliness has gone on year after year after year--your entire life.

 

We all go through loss, grief, isolation, and pain. Part of life. But when that perpetuates into that's the only state you've know "life" to mean, life loses its meaning and with it goes any incentive to carry on. There supposed to be a balance between pain and joy; but when pain wins hands down without ONE exception, would you find the strength to try anything anymore?

[alphamale]

Every suggestion that has been made is good and I agree with. The problem is when all those things have been tried and the loneliness has gone on year after year after year--your entire life.

 

We all go through loss, grief, isolation, and pain. Part of life. But when that perpetuates into that's the only state you've know "life" to mean, life loses its meaning and with it goes any incentive to carry on. There supposed to be a balance between pain and joy; but when pain wins hands down without ONE exception, would you find the strength to try anything anymore?

 

burnt, I know you don't want to hear this but you should go and see a therapist or psychiatrist. you may be suffering needlessly

[burnt]

burnt, I know you don't want to hear this but you should go and see a therapist or psychiatrist. you may be suffering needlessly

 

Been there; done that; many times. For many years. Nothing has helped.

I know you mean well.

I come here on this site, because I don't know where else to go.

[Garcon1986]

Do you know the cause of your depression?

Can you get a reliable friend to drag you to fun events?

[FMW]

I'm sorry burnt. I hope posting here helps you a bit.

 

I'm alternately a loner (like my father) and social (like my mother), so I naturally flip between the two without much thought. I wish I had something helpful to suggest, but my ideas have been expressed by others.

 

Do you have any ideas you just haven't tried yet that you would like to run by us?

[Logo]

First off, I like your sense of humor. I noticed your avatar.

 

Second, would you find joy or fulfillment in volunteering? It can be anything.

 

When I was younger I struggled socially. People gave me lots of advice, but I just couldn’t follow through because it seemed forced, unnatural.

 

My job changed me and I became more comfortable around people to the point that sometimes I’m too comfortable.

 

You might find something in volunteer work that will ring true, something that will put you on a path of gradual change.

 

Is that something you’ve already explored? Is it something you’d be open to trying?

 

Believe me, I know what it feels like to be lonely. Heck, sometimes when I don’t have anyone to share my deepest feelings with I come on here and post.

 

Ask whatever you like, post whatever you like and if you want to share more, that works too.

 

I almost forgot, would adopting a dog be something that you’d like to try? I don’t know if you have tried that, but dogs are amazing creatures.

 

Everyone deserves happiness in life, or like you wrote, a balance. You deserve that too.

 

Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this.