preraph Posted January 15, 2019 Posted January 15, 2019 If you sent me that message after I walked out without a word, I'd know you were desperate to get me back. I know you just keep hoping a conversation will lead to reuniting -- and that's crazy after he did that to you, sorry. 1
Twizzlestick Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 (edited) Just an honest question though. If OP genuinely doesn’t wish the ex back what does it matter what the former partner chooses to perceive? Particularly the opinion of a partner who’s left his rele in a particularly jouvenile state. I think people must strive to conduct oneself according to their own standards, not be lead by others weak actions. After time, it will dawn on the ex that OP was indeed serious - any opinion that OP was screaming wanting back, will quickly evaporate for the ex. But good points raised by above posters. Only the OP knows the true intent. OP be honest with yourself. If you’re subconsciously hoping for reconcile, leave it. If you’re dead set on ending then send the message. Doesn’t matter what the other person thinks as you’ll be going forward alone anyway and your message is for you to address the issue of drawing a line. That you’re on here posting about it, indicates the ending is proving an obstacle to processing your loss. So clearly it’s an issue. I’m like that myself. Seems you like to conduct yourself with dignity in reles, inc the ending and don’t like this ghosting business. I get that. If you want to move forward sending an ending will at least give you pride you did the adult thing. At least one of you two did. Kind of irrelevant what the other person thinks if you’re binning it. Rather than seeing you as needy I think in time when they realise you meant business and did intend to leave, they’ll see that as the adult thing it was. Another good point raised above. If you do send it you need to be ready to fence off any response. Just by saying you’d appreciate Time alone to come to terms. That’ll do the trick. Don’t get caught up in talk no matter how provocative. But you will have to be prepared it might generate a response you feel compelled to reply to and getting caught in defensive discussion could put you in a worse place. If you’re gonna send it, that’ll have to be it. But you have to be honest with yourself. Do you really want to end it? You know the answer, we don’t! Edited January 16, 2019 by Twizzlestick 1
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 I get your need to end it formally, but to what end in reality. He, by ghosting you basically dumped you, and like many dumpers do, he probably got over it pretty quick. It is now 8 weeks since you last heard from him He is in control and could have contacted you at any time but he didn't, the bottom line is he didn't, because he doesn't want to. There is nothing you can do here. His silence speaks volumes. This is the guy who you tried to get him to care for you, make you a priority and act like a proper bf, but whatever you did just caused big arguments and made no difference, so why do you think this "last closure message" will get any better a response? I think if you poke this bear he will either keep ignoring you or you may get a very bad response from him. Either way it will not do your ego and sanity much good. If you think he will somehow magically recognise your pain, regret his actions and soothe your soul, then you are fooling yourself. Let it go. (btw writing heartfelt messages and letters can be very cathartic, but NEVER send them.) 4
stillafool Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 If you receive a message like that after 5 weeks of NC, would you feel like I'm being a drama queen? No, I would think you miss me and reached out because you want me. If he can just let you go so easily, why can't you do the same regarding him? 2
manfrombelow2 Posted January 16, 2019 Posted January 16, 2019 Exactly. Ghosting is dumping. Period. He, by ghosting you basically dumped you, and like many dumpers do, he probably got over it pretty quick. It is now 8 weeks since you last heard from him
Author maestrok Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 I am still thinking over this - bit stupid I think it's because I think he thinks I dumped him with my last messages (which I guess could be interpreted as if I wanted to break up although it wasn't meant so). I don't want to get back with him because we are not compatible but that doesn't mean I don't have any feelings for him or don't care about him. I agree with all of you that if we are ending, this all doesn't matter. But at the same time I still want him to know that he was special to me and that it bothered we didnt have proper goodbye. If I message him, should I stat that specifically?
bathtub-row Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 It’s not that important that he hears that from you - at least not important enough to break the silence. People know more than we often think they do, anyway.
Author maestrok Posted January 28, 2019 Author Posted January 28, 2019 I know - but I guess I may need a proper ending to completely move on ... so I'm still debating to send a message to him or not. I don't mind not getting a reply (that's not the expectation). But then I also don't want him to think I want to get back -hence wondering if I need to say why I messaged (ie to get proper closure).
Art_Critic Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Maestrok... it's obvious that you still want him back, your last 2 posts do nothing but talk about it even though you say you don't... If you don't want him back then don't contact him.. it is over... but if you want another chance then contact him and go from there... see if he is open to it...
bathtub-row Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 I know - but I guess I may need a proper ending to completely move on ... so I'm still debating to send a message to him or not. I don't mind not getting a reply (that's not the expectation). But then I also don't want him to think I want to get back -hence wondering if I need to say why I messaged (ie to get proper closure). Apparently he’s not nearly as bothered about not having a proper ending as you are, or he would’ve reached out to you. It doesn’t matter who said what - he has probably happily moved on and hasn’t given it a second thought. This is the Ms Fix-it coming out in you and it’s an instinct you should resist in this case because you really don’t want to stir that beehive. However, if you just can’t resist the need to do it, then go for it. Let us know how it goes. 1
nolanola Posted January 28, 2019 Posted January 28, 2019 If it's bothering you this much after a few weeks and you're genuinely fine with whatever his response is (or if he doesn't reply at all), then I say go ahead and say something. Why not? I think about saying things to my ex all the time but I don't because I'm still not over him and would be devastated if he ignored me. So I stay silent. But if you really are ok with whatever happens? Why would you want to be sitting there wondering what if? I think sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to look a certain way or to not let the other person "win" that we do ourselves a real disservice. Just my two cents.
Author maestrok Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 But if you really are ok with whatever happens? Why would you want to be sitting there wondering what if? I think sometimes we can get so caught up in trying to look a certain way or to not let the other person "win" that we do ourselves a real disservice. Just my two cents. This is partly true. Guess I'm reluctant because (1) although I want to say things, we ended and not getting back so guess pointless, and (2) I dont want him to think I was at fault (for us breaking up) because we both did and in fact his fault was a bit bigger.
Highndry Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 Argument is not about anyone's fault. We were trying to resolve some issues/differences where I kept demanding to find a resolution and he kept refusing to talk and avoid meeting up if we were to talk anything about the issue. And both getting exhausted. So not sure if I was supposed to reach out first in this case. Sounds like you turned into a harpy. That'll drive most guys away.
Author maestrok Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 Sounds like you turned into a harpy. That'll drive most guys away. That hasn't been the case yet. If you are going to accuse, please do so with some bases/explans. I should just stop posting about this. This is getting ridic.
Highndry Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 That hasn't been the case yet. If you are going to accuse, please do so with some bases/explans. I should just stop posting about this. This is getting ridic. You said you "kept demanding to find a resolution." That is never an appropriate way to get a desired result from any party. We don't make demands and expect others to conform.
Author maestrok Posted January 29, 2019 Author Posted January 29, 2019 You said you "kept demanding to find a resolution." That is never an appropriate way to get a desired result from any party. We don't make demands and expect others to conform. There is an issue that really needs some resolution and he flat out refuses to even talk about it at all. Isn't he making a demand for me to conform by doing that? Even if I go back in time, I'll probably do the same because we did need to resolve the issue (it wasn't some petty nagging item). Would love to know though if I could've said/done otherwise.
Highndry Posted January 29, 2019 Posted January 29, 2019 There is an issue that really needs some resolution and he flat out refuses to even talk about it at all. Isn't he making a demand for me to conform by doing that? Even if I go back in time, I'll probably do the same because we did need to resolve the issue (it wasn't some petty nagging item). Would love to know though if I could've said/done otherwise. You believe there's an issue that needs resolution, but obviously he does not. What is this "issue," anyway?
Blanco Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 OP, if he wasn't one to open up emotionally at all or tended to retreat in the face of serious relationship topics, the relationship was doomed and there's no real need to clarify anything. He will likely carry that behavior into future relationships, too. You aren't going to change that. 1
Arieswoman Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Maestrok, I think you need to let this one go. If he won't discuss an issue then the chances are that he's conflict avoidant and the fact that he hasn't reached out to you seems to confirm that. Blanco nails it here; if he wasn't one to open up emotionally at all or tended to retreat in the face of serious relationship topics, the relationship was doomed and there's no real need to clarify anything. He will likely carry that behavior into future relationships, too. You aren't going to change that. You dodged a bullet, so be glad and move on. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you x 1
Zahara Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) I think it's because I think he thinks I dumped him with my last messages (which I guess could be interpreted as if I wanted to break up although it wasn't meant so). . Below is your post noting your last communication with him — quoted from your prior thread: So this spontaneous thing really doesn't work for me. Made me really sad and frustrated all the time even though I was happy to see him when we got together. I texted him saying exactly this - that I tried really hard but this is really difficult for me and it's making me too sad and frustrated. Well, he read the texts but hadn't responded. For days now. Guess we are over now - right? Just to make sure - I don't think I'm the one who's supposed to message first, right? It doesn’t relay at all that you were breaking up with him - I have to wonder if you’re trying to find reasons/excuses to break contact. It came across as someone who was trying to express their displeasure and dissatisfaction in hopes that the other would be emphatic and understanding enough to open communication and find resolve through compromise. Instead he ghosted you. You’re romanticizing this guy and what you had with him. You dated him for two months and it didn’t sound like it was that special. You don’t need to send him a proper breakup because he already did by discarding you. If you want to find closure — it comes from within. And that means embracing the fact that this was wrong for you and that you deserve better. If you want to write to him because you want to appease his feelings, then don’t. He doesn’t deserve it. You don’t pick him up and try to do right by him when he’s treated you poorly. Edited January 30, 2019 by Zahara 3
Zahara Posted January 30, 2019 Posted January 30, 2019 Also, seems like you were on and off with this guy for a year. Maybe this is you doing the same song and dance in hopes of resurrecting what seems to be broken. I suggest you go back and read your past thread and remind yourself as to the reality of what you had with this guy and who he truly is. Doesn’t sound like he was at all invested in you. Hard pill to swallow but once you find acceptance, the need for you to seek his validation will disappear. Special is consistent. It’s not volatile, with bouts of highs and lows. 2
Author maestrok Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 Let us know how it goes. Sooooo I did end up messaging him.... He did respond but I'm not sure what he means? "I am very disappointed in myself that I couldn't see how different you are."
Zahara Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Sooooo I did end up messaging him.... He did respond but I'm not sure what he means? "I am very disappointed in myself that I couldn't see how different you are." He doesn’t know how “different you are” as in your value seeing that he’s dated you in the past year? You ended it once because he told you he didn’t want to commit or have a relationship with you. He came back for a second round and proposed commitment. Then made no attempt or effort to properly date you. He then disappeared and only after your prompting responds with this nonsense? This guy discarded you and you felt the need the reach out to him? Does it really matter what his words mean? I don’t even see an apology in there other than some manipulative words to soften you. You need to learn how to let go when there are very clear signs that something is wrong for you. Work on your self-esteem. When you raise your standards and demand more for yourself, you won’t keep dragging yourself with dead weight. 2
Author maestrok Posted February 2, 2019 Author Posted February 2, 2019 (edited) He doesn’t know how “different you are” as in your value seeing that he’s dated you in the past year? Get that - I’m more confused as to why that is disappointing? Is he saying he regrets having tried again As for the rest of your reply, really appreciate it thanks - they are non-refutably true largely. Will keep in mind. Edited February 2, 2019 by maestrok
Zahara Posted February 2, 2019 Posted February 2, 2019 Get that - I’m more confused as to why that is disappointing? Is he saying he regrets having tried again? What did you text him?
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