Did I act badly?

[Alanjones]

Recently someone I had been seeing for a few weeks ended something with me, in circumstances I find a little confusing/troubling. I’m 29 and she is 27.

We started chatting about a month ago and spoke every day for several hours since via text and occasionally through phone calls. She is stunningly beautiful and our first date went great. She told me she wanted to see me again after about 15 mins and was very complimentary. The second date continued to go very well – we held hands and she became very tactile. She kept hugging and holding me, sitting on me, and complimented my smell multiple times. We had dinner and drinks and then I walked her to the station and we kissed a few times. She told me she had never met anyone like me and said how much she loved talking to me. She started making comments about the future at this point (i.e I will show you this place in the future/we will do this etc etc)

 

I liked her and enjoyed spending time with her but less than she liked me. It was enjoyable with her but I didn’t feel a deep connection and I was a little worried because of how much she ostensibly she liked me. I didn’t want to let her down. And she was coming on quite strong for so early in the dating stages. I guess the reality was that I wasn’t infatuated and I usually like to be infatuated before pursing things, but I certainly liked her enough to see how things developed.

 

We had another two dates, both in each other’s houses. Things became increasingly intimate and we shared a lot emotionally. They were nice dates and on the fourth we got sexually intimate to a degree but did not have penetrative sex as we wanted to go slowly and I didn’t want her to think that I was only interested in her sexually. I was also going away on a trip and wanted time to think. It was enjoyable and she was sad when I left – she said she would miss me. I said the same although I still felt a certain unease about the strength of my feelings relative to hers although I had been excited about seeing her and certainly felt something for her.

 

Anyway, because things had taken a sexual turn, our texts did too. We made some jokes the day after and on a subsequent I sent her a half jokey message after she sent me a nice picture of herself telling her how beautiful she was and how she turned me on. I told her I’d masturbated earlier in the day about her.

 

She responded really badly to this and said she felt a little objectified. I felt terrible and apologised multiple times. I was however surprised by this because she was very intimate and quite sexual in person, and we had joked the previous day, and was a bit surprised about her reaction. I did know however that she had issues with guys liking her just for the way she looked, so figure this was part of it. And I had perhaps been too sexual and felt bad about this.

 

We chatted about it and had a heart to heart and I apologised again and she did too. But I could feel that something was off on subsequent days and a few days later we chatted explicitly about it again and she said she felt that something had been lost. She felt that my sexual comments/joke meant I wasn’t the kind of romantic person she thought I was and broke things off.

I feel odd about this – I consider myself quite progressive and I was careful and slow about initiating things sexually. Did I act badly? I’ve never had an experience like this, and I’m quite confused by it. I’ve had certain relationships or short things that have been quite sexual and others that have not been – in some our texts take a certain turn and in others things remain at more of a funny/emotional level. I started messaging in this way out of a context I thought I understood, and evidently read things wrong. But I’m also a little confused about how someone who was so explicit early on re. how much they liked me, in terms of being very physical intimate and making comments, could change so suddenly.

 

What are the thoughts of an outsider? I’m sad things have ended, although I’m not devastated because I’m not sure we were quite in sync in a couple of ways. But I still would have liked to have seen how it developed and I’m a little confused. I don’t like the idea that I’ve made someone feel bad but I’m a bit shocked that a few texts were responsible for this ending.

[Giraffe-A]

What exactly was the joke?

[BaileyB]

My opinion, for what it’s worth...

 

If someone made a strong sexual statement like this after just a few dates and before we had sex, I may have considered it a little forward... but, it’s not like you hadn’t been “sexual” together so it didn’t come completely out of the blue.

 

Truth is, you have no idea what her previous experiences have been (with men and in life) and thus, you couldn’t anticipate that she would be sensitive to the fact that she felt “objectified.” Another woman may have found your comment flattering and/or been kind of interested...

 

The fact that you apologized and she was unable to accept your apology and move forward says a lot about her. Either, she found this an unforgivable offence or she is easily offended and likes to hold a grudge... because, a more reasonable person who was really interested in exploring the relationship would have been able to accept your apology and let it go.

 

I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I don’t know that it was what you did. It just didn’t work out...

[purplesoccer34]

I think that this woman had really put you on quite a pedestal. She perhaps held you to a certain ideal, and so when you made that comment, that ideal had been shattered in her mind. Hence, she reacted the way she did.

 

I'm sorry this didn't work. I agree that the fact that she wasn't able to accept your apology says a lot about her.

[Insoc]

Sex can come too fast, and often it ends relationships fast, it just depends on how much in love two people are. Sometimes, the other person want's sex but not a LTR.

 

It sounds to me like she wanted it sooner than later, and maybe you wanted to make it last and get to know her better, dunno? Nothing wrong with taking it slow, that's what i want, also has been an issue for me with online Dating where the texting turns into sexting, then talk of meeting and having sex, but I'm not wired for a hook-up or one night stand, sounds to me like you are the same type of person.

 

Sex can only drive a relationship so far, while important it's only part of the equation.

 

I know how you feel, you liked her, she was attractive, you may have pictured a life with her, but there was something missing, I know exactly how you feel. Just move on, lot's of fish in the ocean.

[Marc878]

I wouldn't worry much. You didn't have much of a connection anyway.

 

In the future take it a bit slower with the sexual comments. It seems like she was more of a romantic and you were a bit full bore.

 

Live and learn

[emeraldgreen]

She sounds like a prude. I think the extended apologies were a bit of a power trip for her too. I think any de-escalation should have been limited too "Sorry, it's just that you take my self-control" which tells her that a) men like to nut and b) you're hot and you have an effect on me.

 

If something that simple leads to extended D&Ms, you've just avoided the bigger issues that were coming.

[kendahke]

I didn’t want her to think that I was only interested in her sexually.

 

I did know however that she had issues with guys liking her just for the way she looked

 

I told her I’d masturbated earlier in the day about her.

 

 

There went the mystery...

[smackie9]

Sorry but you two have different courting styles....she was the one that wants to be put up on a pedestal, being worshiped, men groveling on their knees to be with her, wanting her completely, heart and soul. You know, all that rubbish they write in a Harlequin romance novel. You on the other hand were just dating her to get to know her and see where it takes you like most people do.

 

 

 

It went sour because of dirty talk. The chivalrous/ Victorian courting image she had in her head went out the window. Which to no fault of your own, you thought that was the direction she was going because of her sexual interaction with you. She was being so intense it threw you off from her intention of being romanced and how it should have been played out.

 

Dude, she simply was creating something she so desired, a passionate romantic courtship, and it really didn't have anything to do with you. That's why the switch got turned off so quickly...her fantasy she worked on obsessively to have went "poof!" She was in love with the idea, not with you. She's nuts, and you are best to scuttle yourself out of there.

[Saracena]

Far too much information here OP in the very early stages of dating. Some things are just best kept to yourself!

 

It has nothing to do with being prudish and I most certainly would have refrained from saying something like this to a woman who had previously told you she had issues with guys just liking her for the way she looked!

[Lotsgoingon]

Just to take her perspective, I highlight the difference between:

 

I masturbated to your photo ....

 

vs.

 

Wow, you look so hot in that photo.

 

vs.

 

I imagined being in bed with you and kissing you all night long ...

 

Huge difference. In the future, go for the second one ...or the third one.

 

So I can see the logic in her reaction--a little. I think she way OVER-reacted. She should have giggled at your comment. Or said, "slow down buddy."

 

But ... dude, I wonder if you were trying too hard. You admit you had some reservations about her ... So I wonder if you upped the reveal in order to compensate for your reservations. Next time, just compliment her on the photo and let that energy and tension stand.

 

She didn't need at this point of the relationship details of your most private sexual moments. By mentioning masturbation so soon, you took the energy away from the focus on wanting to be with her (not just her body). Now in reality, we do this ... I knew I was getting attracted to someone who had been "friend" when I started to yes ... pleasure myself with her in mind. But dude, NO NEED TO ANNOUNCE THIS.

 

And in fact, announcing this can disrupt some of the real-life, real-time energy of courtship and seduction. Let the other person feel your sexual attraction ... that's part of the fun. So I don't think you didn't anything horribly wrong ... Awkward and too fast yes ... inappropriate ... not necessarily. A bolder woman would have been OK with your comment.

[Alanjones]

Thanks for all the help and advice all - it's useful.

 

I agree entirely that she had an idea of me - an ideal, which vanished when I texted her in a more sexual fashion.

 

The difficulty for me also involves a couple of extra things I didn't disclose before. When I was with her in the bedroom she was very sexual - she was constantly pushing her bum into my crouch etc, both when I had clothes on and at one point when we didn't.

 

She also sent me a couple of photos earlier in the day which, whilst clothed, were quite sexual.

 

So I based my actions on a context I believed in - it seemed natural because of what had passed in the previous couple of days in person and via text, but clearly I invoked in her a fear of only being valued for her body. I suppose what's disappointing for me is that we chatted so much and it was clearly more than that - Someone can be sexually attracted to someone and value them in other ways.

 

The frustrating thing is just how nuclear she went with the reaction - It's nice to hear people say what I feel: that she could have just accepted an earnest apology and moved on. It didn't seem to me enough reason to end something, especially after being so full on with me and complimentary. These are the stages of a burgeoning relationship when each party is still working the other out.

 

I can't say how I would react if the shoe was on the other foot as my experiences are not hers, but I have never had feelings transformed utterly by a few texts.

 

Thanks again all for taking the time to reply to me - I appreciate it.

[elaine567]

But I could feel that something was off on subsequent days and a few days later we chatted explicitly about it again and she said she felt that something had been lost. She felt that my sexual comments/joke meant I wasn’t the kind of romantic person she thought I was and broke things off.

 

 

You instantly went from the romantic lead in a Romcom, to some sleazy guy wanking in the toilet...

Not a great image, is it?...

 

She likely lost all attraction for you in the second she took to read it.

[Alanjones]

You instantly went from the romantic lead in a Romcom, to some sleazy guy wanking in the toilet...

Not a great image, is it?...

 

She likely lost all attraction for you in the second she took to read it.

 

We had talked about masturbation and we had spoken about sex - this wasn't the de-sexualised encounter of the Hollywood imagination.

 

I also don't think masturbation has to be 'sleazy' - it's a completely normal part of life.

[Lotsgoingon]

Talking about masturbation is not seductive.

 

Much better to say something along the lines I lost my concentration for the day. That photo just made you WANT you--that's all right. That's still seductive. You're talking about wanting HER, not just her body.

 

Fine line but still a clear one.

[preraph]

Well that was too much information and a lot of women would find that creepy since you hadn't even had sex yet and even then. That is what is creepy about sexting. Even guys that some of these Love shack women are talking to who they may not have any real interest in our on the other end of the smartphone masturbating, and it's like just being used for sex without your consent. Plus you just gave her a picture of what you do in your spare time over women you don't know that well. This is a boundary issue as much as anything. someone you're dating doesn't need to know everything and there's a difference between saying I was thinking about you and looking forward to seeing you and blurting out that you've been masturbating to her.