Is she trying to get revenge because I dumped her?

[Buckle92]

Hi there,

 

3-4 months ago me and my girlfriend of 2+ years split up. I was the one who ended the relationship as we was not in a good place. Initially (in the first few weeks) she wanted to try again but I needed time and space to think it through. Roll on several months and I believe it is worth about trying again as I love this girl very much.

 

We’ve had contact on and off since the break up and last week we went for a drink were I told her I would like to try again. Instantly her eyes started to tear up and I could tell she was upset. She said she needed time to think about it which I totally understand. However a few days later she told me she had been on several dates with a guy, and I just took this on the chin even though it killed inside. Since then we have seen each other twice more, but I still don’t know what she thinks.

 

Tonight she has gone out with friends and I believe (please tell me if I’m wrong here) she is trying to make me jealous / get back at me for hurting her so much by posting videos of her dancing with other guys. She has not done this once since the break up and I can’t help but feel that now she knows I still have feelings and want to reconcile she is shoving it in my face somehow.

 

Can anyone give some advice on this whole situation and how I should approach it all? Including trying to win her back.

 

Thanks

[basil67]

I don't think she's trying to get back at you. I think she's trying to show through her actions that she's moved on and you should too.

[Giraffe-A]

You dumped her, were confused and needed space, she accepted it and tried to move on then you show up out of nowhere wanting her back. How do you think she felt all of this time? Not too sure she is trying to hurt you as much as letting you know she can be okay without you. Classic, break up move. She may even feel tbere was someone else on your end too. So before this gets out of hand, if you truly do want to be with this girl, lay on the apology, tell her you want her back and if you gotta wait, then wait you shall.

[Purepony]

Yup yup yup

 

First things stop following her videos and second make your intentions loud and clear otherwise you’ll just be a plan b

[Buckle92]

Thanks for all the replies, I will take on board what you have all said. I have already apologised profusely more than once and told her how much she means to me. The videos were clearly aimed at me as she never posts videos of guys and the timing just confirms it.

 

The issue I have now is if she texts me how do I respond?

 

Thanks

[Simple Logic]

She means so much to you it took 3-1/2 months for you to figure that out? She is not trying to get revenge, she has just moved on and living life, which includes posting social events online.

[Buckle92]

Okay, she has now text me the morning after her night out saying ‘Hi, how are you?’

 

What should I do now? Please help I’m so confused.

[elaine567]

He who hesitates is lost.

You broke up, she pleaded her case for weeks, you remained resolute you needed more "space", in the meantime she moved on.

Now months later you want her back but it is all too late.

 

Romantic love is not everlasting, when you break up with people, they grieve heal and move on, they do not sit waiting for you to come pick them up again.

 

She is probably now just willing to be friends, hence why she told you about her dates...

[Rayce]

I think she is just trying to show you that she is desirable to other guys so if you want her then step up your game. Ask her out and take her dancing. Take it slow and just out shine the other guy.

[nolanola]

If you want to get back together with her, then you are going to have to accept that the ball is now in her court. You broke up with her and probably hurt her very badly. She is probably still smarting from that. That's not going to go away in a day because you came back and said you wanted her back. I personally think she's doing the right thing by being cautious and not jumping in with both feet.

 

That said, at some point you guys will have to decide that you want to get back together. I would be friendly with her, try to make some plans for a nice date, and tell her what you want on the date. Tell her you want to get back together, you made a mistake, etc. See what she says. If she is hesitant and you really want her back, then you might consider giving her an internal time limit (meaning think this to yourself, don't tell her) in which you will wait to see if she takes you back. You can consider a couple of months of dating and then talk to her again about getting back together. Because she now has the power in this situation, you want to make sure she doesn't string you along.

 

I think she did post those pictures for you to see, but I think it's understandable when someone has been hurt. You may have to take it on the chin for a while before she fully forgives you.

[Buckle92]

Again thanks for the support.

 

I have already met with her and told her I would like to try again and she said she needed time to think. Do I now leave her alone to make a decision or should I pursue another date to see how she feels once and for all?

 

I’d like to add one of the reasons she said she was hesitant to get back was because I wasn’t affectionate enough. Now I can only tell her that I will be but I also sent her flowers (given the situation it was the best I could do) and she messaged me the same thanking me for them. That was the last conversation we had and that was 2 days ago.

 

What would you suggest now? Go for another date and tell her how I feel again? Go on a date and avoid any conversation about it or do I just go no contact?

 

Thanks

[nolanola]

I would suggest dating her. Ask her out, doesn't have to be something fancy, but put some thought into it. What does she like to do? I know for me, it is very flattering when a man notices what I like or am interested in and acts on that. Has she mentioned a movie she'd like to see or a restaurant she would like to try? Call her and ask her out.

Ask her about her day, maybe not every day, but check in on her. Did she have something big coming up with work or whatever? Ask her how it went. Showing that someone is paying attention to you is flattering. Compliment her, tell her you like her dress, that she looks beautiful, etc.

You have told her you want her back. I think going no contact would be the worst idea, unless she tells you to do so or doesn't seem receptive when you reach out. I wouldn't overdo it. You guys aren't yet totally back together, so texting or talking everyday is excessive, but consistent contact will show her you are serious and interested.

Then see what she does. If she seems happy to hear from you, happy to see you, and wants to go out with you, you can move forward in time. Good luck to you.

[Buckle92]

The issue is though that she is still dating another guy. I feel if I reach out to her and show her I’m there whenever she needs she is just going to take advantage of it. Basically have her cake and eat it.

 

How can I go about just being there just through phone contact whilst she hangs out and gets intimate with another guy?

 

Thanks

[nolanola]

Ok, I didn't realize it was that serious with that other guy. Are they exclusive? If not, I would still consider asking her out. If she is adamant that she wants to keep seeing this other guy, you may just have to back off and let her figure things out. You have made yourself clear, it sounds like. You can give her a bit more time (a couple of weeks or so) and keep in contact (some friendly messages, short phone calls) and then see what happens. If she is still seeing this guy and wanting to get closer to him despite you having made yourself clear that you're interested in getting back together, you might have to let her go. You are right, you don't want to be sitting there waiting for her to make up her mind, but the ball is now in her court. You broke up with her and she moved on, as people do. She is likely confused and doesn't trust you yet. She might not ever trust you again. Only time will tell.

[Buckle92]

No they’re not exclusive. And I don’t think they ever will be because knowing her as a person she would be embarrassed that people have seen her move on so quickly. My assumption is she I’ll keep it hush hush and either get rid or try to keep him on the down low for as long possible so it doesn’t look like she has jumped into the next one.

 

At the same time I know she has reservations of us getting back together simply because of what others think. She admitted this but how do I go about solving that? She is literally not doing it because her parents / friends are like ‘don’t go back to him’

 

Any more advice I can get the better pleaseeee. I have now messaged her and I got a ‘Hey you’ within 5 minutes.

 

Thanks

[nolanola]

Unfortunately, you are just going to have to wait. Like I said, the ball is in her court. It is up to you how long you are willing to wait. The fact that she is interacting with you in a friendly and kinda flirty way is very promising. I would suggest continue to be in touch, be friendly with a bit extra (no sex talk) and see how she responds. You cannot control another person and whether she decides to get back together with you or not. You've put it out there and she needs to think about it. Be consistent, be friendly and make her feel good (ask her about her day, compliment her, etc) but don't be too aggressive (don't text her all day everyday). Then see what happens.

[Buckle92]

Thanks for all the advice.

 

We’ve spoke a little tonight and she seems quite receptive. I’m going to call her tomorrow, wish her merry Christmas and ask her to go out for a drink before new year. I guess if she is up for it there is a chance and if not I need to just leave it?

 

Thanks

[Buckle92]

Okay so I reached out for a date and she said ‘maybe’ on the day I suggested but we could do another day. We haven’t set ‘another day’.

 

We’ve chatted a bit and now she has started to text me first all of a sudden. However when I tried to flirt a bit she just gave a cold response.

 

Do I leave it now for her to let me know about the date? Should I continue to chat normally? Do I push on setting a date? Can’t help but think I am just all over the place at the moment.

 

Thanks

Edited December 25, 2018 by Buckle92

[nolanola]

Yes, you are all over the place. I personally think you are coming on too strong. You've asked her out and showed some interest. Now let her breathe for a while.

[Buckle92]

So we went out on a date yesterday and it went well, we kissed several times and hugged.

 

Today I have asked her to go on a second date in which she said she couldn’t on that day. I asked about other days but got ‘I don’t know’ response.

 

Please help, what do I do now? Do I go no contact and leave her to have time? Do I continue pointless small talk through text hoping she does change her mind?

 

Any advice would be grateful, it’s urgent at this point!

 

Thanks

[stillafool]

When you broke up with this girl you gave her a chance to see how much fun she can have as a single young woman. Now that she has experienced it she is in no hurry to get tied down again. She is meeting a lot of new people and a lot of them are guys who are interested. Go no contact and stop the chase or you will be on the same level as the other guys.

[nolanola]

You need to chill. Desperation is not attractive. I'm not sure I would go full no contact, but I would advise you to step back a little bit and maybe see if she reaches out to you in the next day or two.

You guys had a good date. That is great. Think of this like any woman you're newly dating. Give it room to breathe and see what happens.

[Buckle92]

So I’ve just found out she still has plans to see this other guy. Do I go no contact or do I tell her she needs to make a decision in the next few days about whether she considers us two trying again or us both moving on?

 

I’m thinking of just saying to her ‘you need to make a decision over the weekend of what you want your future look like’ or something along those lines.

 

Thanks

Edited December 27, 2018 by Buckle92

[Smallgirl011]

Speaking from a girl who has just broken up with her partner, my advice to you would to be really honest about what caused you to end the relationship initially in the first place. I think this will be paramount for her to rebuild the trust within your relationship.

[Buckle92]

Thanks for the advice.

 

We have spoken about it a lot and so much so she kissed me and we cuddled. She said things like ‘I would like to try again’ and ‘I haven’t had the same connection with other people I’ve dated’. Yet she is still going on another date with another guy. Like NYE is coming up and she is choosing to spend it with him rather than me.

 

At the moment I have now gone no contact and am ignoring her messages. Do you think this is the right thing to do or should I continue contact with her and try to arrange another date knowing the above?

 

Thanks