Boyfriend can go days without contact. I feel anxious and upset

[Wallysbears]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. We’e in love (he says he loves me, I love him). One thing that I find confusing and hurtful about his behaviour is his lack of contact and lack of replying to my texts. So for some context this doesn’t happen all the time. There could be weeks where he will contact me first saying “no text from you tonight?” Or asking how my day was. Then other weeks like this week he won’t text me much if at all and when I text him sometimes he doesn’t reply.

<SNIP>

 

No man that truly loves a woman goes radio silent for several days.

Edited December 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[frankspeci]

Maybe there are other romantic distractions when hes not with you. Or..is it possible hes started to take you for granted now that the relationship has lasted, and he's looking at "maintenance texts" as a chore? He might not get the same boost from them that a lot of people do, and with a packed work schedule he might be more inclined to unwind on social media during limited free time. Maybe he forgets about them. People do have different love languages.

 

I dont think it's right though. Three days no contact...seems like a while. For a serious relationship I wouldnt be ok with that, though I get that some people like to have their space.

 

Anyway, I think you're right to be frustrated. Firstly, it sounds like you would like to hear from him for your own benefit because you miss him, and secondly you're confused how someone can claim to miss you but then not reach out more frequently. I say have another talk and let him know you're not ok with it.

[Versacehottie]

I understand he is working all weekend and may be unable to actually meet up. But to be completely MIA with zero contact is highly suspect.

 

I agree. It is speculation but isn’t it possible that he could be interested in someone from work? I mean long hours, especially sometimes coupled with a promotion, can tend to do that to people.

 

OP, you’ve been hinting around about someone “else” this entire thread. I think it’s time to admit to yourself, whether you have a gut feeling or are being overly paranoid. While I hate to throw out that reason arbitrarily, people are known to do this when it matches with the behavior you are describing—TBH sometimes people have whole other secret lives that they hide quite easily playing both sides. So to say it wouldn’t be possible is naive. Not to bring you down, but even the way this thread is going, it’s too much about him and his reasons, his perspective. If you want to light a fire under a guy it has to be more about you. Not blaming you for ending up in whatever this predicament is but putting the focus back on yourself and you might see a change in him or at least your dating results (happiness, ability to move on). Focus all on him leads to a doormat vibe and creates a dynamic where you are taken for granted.

[Alanjones]

There is no singular answer to this type of thing, and I think someone's behaviours can only be understood in terms of their normal patterns of communication. Is this a person who simply doesn't like to text? Did they once text a lot and don't anymore?

 

I would reiterate what some others have said - ignoring someone isn't fair and it isn't right. There might not be any terrible reason for it - he might merely have been busy and the thought passed his mind. Maybe he wanted to take a little more time to think about a reply etc. It doesn't mean there is someone else or that he doesn't love you. But it does mean that he is not being considerate and you have a right to call him out on it. You are definitely not in the wrong here - he is.

 

Of course, calling him out may cause him to say something you don't want to hear - that is always a possibility. But irrespective, it is necessary because you deserves someone who gives as much as you give - and communication is a necessary part of any relationship. So talk to him, share your concerns, and hopefully you will be the stronger for it. If it goes badly that will be on him and not on you.

[SunnyWeather]

this arrangement would not work for me, at all. it comes down to lifestyle, mostly, but anything could be worked around if both parties are committed to that process.

 

BUT, it seems it's not working for you. worse, when you express your concerns, he shuts you down emotionally. He's got you exactly where he wants you to be, nicely compartmentalized to fit in his world.

 

be prepared to walk awayunless both of you can come up with a solution that works. as it stands now, it's only working for him when it's convenient. are you going to spend another 2 years being the convenient cool girl?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I guess I’m trying to find the reasons or fix it because I’m taking it VERY personal. Like there’s something about me that makes him not want to contact me or he’s not interested in me. It makes me second guess where I stand with him. When I get to see him in person and he says he loves me I really feel like he does, he seems genuine saying it. I feel loved when I get to see him. And he’s affectionate and says he misses me bla bla but when we’re apart and I don’t get contact from him or I’m ignored I think something it wrong and he’s about to break up with me or something. Then I DONT feel loved. So I go from feeling loved to not feeling it quite a bit.

I have brought it up to him about not messaging me and he replied with just because he doesn’t messsge me doesn’t mean he doesn’t think of me or miss me.

 

You cannot fix this problem. There is an issue where he doesn't take in your concerns. If a person continues doing hurtful behavior, he doesn't care. Actions speak louder then words. If he missed you, he would text you, period, no excuses. If you have to beg for his love, then he doesn't care for you. I dated guys like that and I can tell you if someone loves you, you feel loved. Personally I would start looking else where as this behavior will become worse and worse. Stay w/him if you want to feel unloved.

[bathtub-row]

You feel anxious because he’s cold and unresponsive. This isn’t a very good relationship at all and I think you know that in your heart of hearts. You’re not a priority in his life. Find someone new.

[Bettyboo456]

I agree. It is speculation but isn’t it possible that he could be interested in someone from work? I mean long hours, especially sometimes coupled with a promotion, can tend to do that to people.

 

OP, you’ve been hinting around about someone “else” this entire thread. I think it’s time to admit to yourself, whether you have a gut feeling or are being overly paranoid. While I hate to throw out that reason arbitrarily, people are known to do this when it matches with the behavior you are describing—TBH sometimes people have whole other secret lives that they hide quite easily playing both sides. So to say it wouldn’t be possible is naive. Not to bring you down, but even the way this thread is going, it’s too much about him and his reasons, his perspective. If you want to light a fire under a guy it has to be more about you. Not blaming you for ending up in whatever this predicament is but putting the focus back on yourself and you might see a change in him or at least your dating results (happiness, ability to move on). Focus all on him leads to a doormat vibe and creates a dynamic where you are taken for granted.

 

I’m not saying it wouldn’t be possible I just didn’t think it was likely. I’m quite paranoid anyway but when I don’t hear from him I’m assuming all the WORST things. I really didn’t think he was the type to cheat. He’s never cheated on any girlfriends before, he seems loyal and he’s always said he wouldn’t cheat on me he’d break up with me so I don’t understand why he’s ignoring me. I half wish he would just text me and say he’s met someone so I’m not in the dark about what’s going on. It’s not been 4 days no contact and it’s christmas Eve here and all I feel like doing is crying. I don’t even know what to do with his gift, I feel very stupid even buying him one now.

[Cersei]

Please don't feel stupid. He is the one being a jerk.

 

Nobody deserves to be ghosted like this. Ghosting is gutless. I have no wise words for you but this tough confusing time is not your fault.

[Bettyboo456]

Please don't feel stupid. He is the one being a jerk.

 

Nobody deserves to be ghosted like this. Ghosting is gutless. I have no wise words for you but this tough confusing time is not your fault.

 

I really feel like he is ghosting me. So he’s ghosting me after a 2 year relationship. I’m hurt beyond words and I’m not even going to enjoy Christmas now.

[Cersei]

Is it possible he is being cheap or is broke and avoiding buying you a Christmas present?

 

I know it seems silly but people have done stranger things?

[Gretchen12]

I actually find it shocking to read about all these people thinking the worst in this situation. My idea of normal behavior in a committed 2 year relationship is to call or show up at his work and say hey! I haven't heard from you and I'm missing you! Is that not done anymore?

You must believe you are lovable and that he wants to make you happy. Why wouldn't he love you?

[Redhead14]

You've been seeing this guy for 2 years, only spend one night a week with him and he is often MIA in between??? That's not a boyfriend -- that's a two year string of one-night stands . . .

[Bettyboo456]

I actually find it shocking to read about all these people thinking the worst in this situation. My idea of normal behavior in a committed 2 year relationship is to call or show up at his work and say hey! I haven't heard from you and I'm missing you! Is that not done anymore?

You must believe you are lovable and that he wants to make you happy. Why wouldn't he love you?

 

Well I did send him the last text and he has seen it but hasn’t replied so why should I reach out to him again when it’s clear he’s ignoring? He also has texted his mom yesterday so it’s not like he can’t text he’s just choosing not to speak to me specifically. Why wouldn’t he love me? I don’t know. It seems quite clear he doesn’t love me despite him saying he does.

[Bettyboo456]

You've been seeing this guy for 2 years, only spend one night a week with him and he is often MIA in between??? That's not a boyfriend -- that's a two year string of one-night stands . . .

 

Okay I didn’t go into detail on this. But since you’re assuming this then I will. A few months ago he had to move town 20 minutes away from me by bus for work. Before this we lived in the same town and saw each other about 3 or 4 times a week I would say. So no it’s not always been one night a week! Given he works until late at night we normally don’t see each other during the week because it’s just not possible when he’s working late and i also have a job.

 

But on his only day off a week he DOES travel down to see me. And anytime he does get more days off work he comes down to me also. Like a few weeks ago he got 2 or 3 days off work and he did spend it with me. So no it’s not just been 2 years of one night stands!

[Lotsgoingon]

I hate to tell you ... but this is not about him.

 

This is about you ... and not in the way you are imagining. No, you're not wrong to be upset ...

 

This is about you ... and the question is Why in the World Would You Put Up With Anxiety-Inducing Behavior Like This for Two Years?

 

Treat yourself better. No way would you tell a gf to stay in such a relationship.

 

Time to head for the door. If this guy can't get this in two years, he's not gonna get it ... But you might need to counseling if after two years, you stay in a relationship where a guy doesn't talk or connect with you (in the age of 10-second texting) for days at a time.

 

Time to build some confidence and some self-assertiveness. This behavior probably showed itself within weeks of dating him ...

 

Dump this guy--yesterday! He has abandoned you ... Doesn't matter if he's cheating ... He's doing SOMETHING that is off the radar--something that he isn't sharing with you ... And please, don't trust your "cheating" radar. I'm sorry. Most people's cheating radars are flawed ... because we grow up thinking there is an obvious type that cheats ... No ... some of the best people I know have cheated on partners.

 

Get out. Yesterday. Get out.

[Redhead14]

Okay I didn’t go into detail on this. But since you’re assuming this then I will. A few months ago he had to move town 20 minutes away from me by bus for work. Before this we lived in the same town and saw each other about 3 or 4 times a week I would say. So no it’s not always been one night a week! Given he works until late at night we normally don’t see each other during the week because it’s just not possible when he’s working late and i also have a job.

 

But on his only day off a week he DOES travel down to see me. And anytime he does get more days off work he comes down to me also. Like a few weeks ago he got 2 or 3 days off work and he did spend it with me. So no it’s not just been 2 years of one night stands!

 

I didn't assume anything . . . that is all that you told us. Based on what you told us, that is how it appeared to me.

 

Now that you've given more significant detail . . . since he moved a little further away, you've only been seeing him once a week, for the most part, and he's MIA in between -- that's not a boyfriend. That's a few months of one-night stands sprinkled with a couple of longer stays and lapses of communication in between.

 

You have three choices -- communicate with him and let him know how you're feeling and let him know that the lapses in communication aren't helping. And then see if he is understanding and whether he attempts to bridge the gap.

 

OR

 

Tell him that the new situation doesn't work for you and you are moving on.

 

OR

 

Just accept the situation as it is, be anxious and worried ad infinitum which is useless and a waste of your energy and not being fair to yourself or him. Because if you operate in this mode, eventually you will explode and dump a ton of anger and resentment on him and he'll be blindsided and likely end the relationship anyway and you'll be the crazy "ex".

 

Why did he move?

Edited December 24, 2018 by Redhead14

[Rockett]

I am sorry that you're going through this

 

 

I don't think your first step should be to break up with him, because you clearly love him very much. I think what the other posters are getting at, is that until you put yourself and your needs first, you will continue to put up with behavior that hurts you. That is not sustainable over the longer term, so if you want the relationship to work out, you're going to have to have difficult conversations about what you need, and come to an understanding together of how you communicate.

 

 

 

I think your needs sound reasonable- to want to be in touch more frequently than every four days. He hasn't been very responsive to that, but it does sound like he is invested in the relationship because he visits you on his days off.

 

 

 

The issue is about whether or not you are interested in raising this communication issue- and whether he will be receptive. You can control the first part, but not his part. I know it's scary to test the boundaries of a relationship, but you owe it to yourself if you want to find something you can live with. Going through these periods of silence, especially around the holidays, must be awful. Don't you want things to be different?

[Versacehottie]

I’m not saying it wouldn’t be possible I just didn’t think it was likely. I’m quite paranoid anyway but when I don’t hear from him I’m assuming all the WORST things. I really didn’t think he was the type to cheat. He’s never cheated on any girlfriends before, he seems loyal and he’s always said he wouldn’t cheat on me he’d break up with me so I don’t understand why he’s ignoring me. I half wish he would just text me and say he’s met someone so I’m not in the dark about what’s going on. It’s not been 4 days no contact and it’s christmas Eve here and all I feel like doing is crying. I don’t even know what to do with his gift, I feel very stupid even buying him one now.

 

Ok, don't beat yourself up. That's one of the main reasons i'm trying to get you to understand that above all else this is a "WHAT WORKS FOR EACH OF YOU" situation. It's not that anyone is wrong or right, worthy or unworthy. It sounds like you have an anxious tendency because black and white, fatalistic thinking is part of that (i.e. some paranoia let's call it--not actually but in a colloquial way). I think you need to remind yourself that you will be ok no matter what happens. That should help you make the difficult step of talking to him and stating your needs. Don't you see that is perhaps for you the more uncomfortable route but is a better solution than letting your mind run wild, imagining worst case scenarios OR burying your head in the sand OR throwing a hail mary and hoping he tells you he met someone else so you can escape anxious feelings? See how extreme and irrational all of those things are?

 

If you come from the place of "what works for each of you", you are more likely to take the steps to express that, ask for that and come to compromise. Versus doing things and acting in ways that sabotage a relationship or drive a person away from you. I do think you guys have settling into a pattern of contact that feeds your anxiety. i don't think it will be easy to change; however, you should try IF ONLY to feel a sense of ownership over what happens to you in your life. A lot of anxiety is caused because people stay in their thoughts rather than TAKE ACTION that sorts out a solution for them. It doesn't mean you will always get what you want but it should help to do something constructive and rationally related to solving the problem. If only to gather more info from him, get comfortable stating what you need and gathering THOSE thoughts in your head so you can express them.

 

I think the first thing to do is get rational. And be honest with yourself. Is the relationship much more casual than you have let on here on this thread? I can't see why someone who has been together solidly with someone else for two years would feel stupid for having gotten him a present. So you are either being irrational and fatalistic or your relationship isn't as serious/solid as you would like it to be and you've been ignoring that in your day to day. I can't really tell from your posts. To be honest, it sounds like some of both. That you have a tendency to be anxious and that he has settled into a relationship with you because he does what he wants contact-wise which suits his pace, demeanor. Bottom line it doesn't work for you if it's causing this much stress, so now you should deal with it.

[Gretchen12]

Well I did send him the last text and he has seen it but hasn’t replied so why should I reach out to him again when it’s clear he’s ignoring?

 

Why? To give him a piece of your mind. I wouldn't call it reaching out. More like making demands. Doesn't matter if he knows. You should have a voice. Anytime you can only wait, you don't have a relationship. This must be why you are ready to end it now. You sound like you have decided, then go through with it.

[Cersei]

To the OP:

Any update here? Are you ok?

[edgygirl]

Read about "attachment styles", a psychological theory. Mainly the part about insecure attachment style and avoidant attachment style. Learned about it recently and it explains it all in terms of all this anxiousness regarding texting etc.

[Malin889]

Yes he does work a lot of hours. I understand this. And he has been given more responsibility in the kitchen by running it. Kind of being head chef I suppose. But when I see he’s been online since I text him and also posting things on social media it makes me think well he’s not THAT busy that he can’t text me back. Also the text about the present. He previously asked me on Tuesday how much are we spending on each other. I replied I don’t know, what do you think. He replied he doesn’t mind. So then on Friday I asked him that because I wanted to clarify because I was heading out to get something. And he never replied lol

 

Why should it matter what you are spending on each other? Just buy whatever you feel like. I don’t think this text exchange should’ve been an issue.

 

But aside from this, he sounds like he is not making you a priority. Maybe it’s time to find someone who is? You need to make yourself a priority and stop worrying about him.

Edited January 1, 2019 by Malin889

[Els]

Personally there is no effing way I'd be OK with a long-term partner not having any contact with me for 3 DAYS. The only acceptable reasons for that would be if he was in an accident and unconscious for 3 days, or he was on the ISS, or... you get the idea. Run-of-the-mill work and life is not a good reason.

 

 

If someone cares about you and your relationship, they make time for you. H works 60-70 hour weeks most of the time. When we had to live apart for a while, we'd talk to each other almost every day. I don't think there was ever any point in our relationship when we were out of contact for 3 days.

 

 

Have you talked to him about this? What is his response? How is your relationship like otherwise?

[edgygirl]

Edit: Oops I already posted about avoidants above as this is an older thread