sammysue Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 my boyfriend and i fight all the time about his watching porn daily. He watches it when im either not there,i just left,im sleeping....basically he does it alone.Its internet porn and i just dont understand why he hides it (tries to)and only does it when im not there.I feel its an insult to me and it REALLY hurts my feelings.Afew days ago i walked away from the relationship because of it. He see's nothing wrong. I told him its for single people or couples to view together not seperately!!He's promised that he wouldnt go to those sites anymore and has . What do i do?
Love2share Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 It's true that he may be addicted to porn. But that's his own problem. The problem in your relationship with him is that he is dishonest. If he lied to you about this porn stuff, he has lied about many other things, and will continue to lie in the future.
Skippy Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 You walked away from the relationship because it insults you. Hes just trying to lure some response. What is insulting is your behavior in the matter. You give an extreme consequence for your lack of being able to please. Your giving him an ultimatum is insulting. Let the person embrace it. Its obvious he enjoys something to look at. These are pictures of people captured in some setting. People like pictures. Maybe he's looking for some pointers.
francis Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 I understand why you left, your stance on porn is valid and you chose not to tolerate this in a partner. everyone's standards are different. this guy is hiding stuff and lying to you, possibly because he knows it makes you unhappy. if you cannot compromise, just find a new man, one that shares the same opinions and views as you and one that wont hurt you and lie to you like this. if you left, stick to your decision, its easy to go back, braver to be alone and stand up for yourself for a chance at happiness with someone else.
Moai Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 You did the right thing. It would be one thing if he was open to including you or at least respected your feelings, but he lied so hit the road now, it'll only be more difficult later on. Besides, most internet porn is so lame...
Skippy Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 But there is a reason why....hahahahah....Because he rather see it in a mag than his old bag.
Outcast Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 Do a search on 'porn' here. There have been a lot of discussions about this. Bottom line is that he hides it from you because he doesn't think it's a big deal but knows you'll make a big deal out of it. It's not about you and it's not that he's 'lying'.
Author sammysue Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 O.K. thank you all for the replies.Let me add some more .............I too felt that it is me and i dont satisfy him so he reverts to this, he says different. He says its just pure entertainment. I asked him to put it on one day and we'll watch it together as a couple(like everyone else). He did, but as soon as it was on it was like it hurt his eyes or something he almost couldnt even look at it , got up and sat somewhere else,wierd huh?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 1. he says different. He says its just pure entertainment. 2. I asked him to put it on one day and we'll watch it together as a couple(like everyone else). He did, but as soon as it was on it was like it hurt his eyes or something he almost couldnt even look at it , got up and sat somewhere else,wierd huh? 1. For him, it probably is. That is where your communication fails. He sees nothing wrong with what he does, and until he does see that its wrong (not just for your sake, but for his) then its not likely he will stop. The least he could do, though is be more discreet. Perhaps there is a compromise you two could make - in that he is not to do it AT ALL when you are around or present. If he can't make that compromise, (literally can't keep himself from watching it when you are around) - in that his porn is on ONLY his time, and not any shared time - then I will concede that he may have a problem. 2. It isn't weird. He doesn't want to mix you up in his mind with the porn women. I expect he has very, very different views of you compared to the average porn woman. He doesn't want to see you in the same 'dirty' or 'humiliating' context. Reducing you to the level of a porn women he jerks it to is probably not high on his list of things he wants to do. Do not, for a second assume that he thinks the same thing about you that he does the porn women. He keeps you in a nice, clean place in his mind and doesn't want to see you in that gutter he keeps in his mind.
Author sammysue Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 The problem isint that he does it in front of me its that he only does it when i leave,am sleeping, Not around. And when i come over he turns it off and hides it.when asked to view it only together when we did he wouldnt even look at it. Maybe its our age gap? he's 47 and im 32???????????
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 The problem isint that he does it in front of me its that he only does it when i leave,am sleeping, Not around. And when i come over he turns it off and hides it.when asked to view it only together when we did he wouldnt even look at it. If he only does it when you are not around, and its done entirely on his own personal, private time when you are not otherwise available - then how is that a problem for you? How is what he does on his own personal, private time when you aren't around affecting your relationship besides the arguments you start over it? It sounds like you want to take control of what he does in his private time by expecting him to give up something he enjoys in private for no other reason than the fact that you don't like it. A person doesn't give up something they do entirely on their own private time simply because someone else doesn't like it. A person gives up something because they no longer feel that it is good for themselves. If he does not see that what he is doing is 'bad' then he will not stop doing it. I'm not saying that viewing porn is "normal" in general - but if sees that it is normal for himself, then you will need to at least acknowledge that if you expect to get to a solution. It isn't pretty to look at from this point of view - but if you want a resolution to the problem, it will take looking at it from all sides: even the sides you don't want to see. You don't have to agree with what he is doing - nor do you have to accept it. What you have to do is at least acknowlege what he considers to be normal for himself. He needs to do the same for you, too. Then, when you can see things from each other's point of view - you can work on a better compromise. Until you can at least acknowlege (not 'agree with', mind you) what the other considers 'normal' it will be a constant "I'm right and you are wrong" scenario without once getting to the point where it can be resolved. If there can be no compromise - then your choices are limited: adapt to the situation or leave it. He likely won't look at it with you, because you are not a part of that private gutter session in his mind - nor does he want you to be. I expect like a good deal of men, he prefers to keep them separate. He does not want to reduce you to the level of porn, nor does he wish to mix the love he makes to you with the rutting that he sees on the screen.
mixwell Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 My ex used to be the same way.. She thought I watched it because she didn't please me and that I didn't find her attractive (her fault for having low self-esteem) in my opinion. Anyways The ONLY reason I look at porn is to enchance my session when I am masturbating. I never watch it other than that.. Its not that we don't like you but when you aren't around its the next best thing. Its really no big deal in my eyes. I would think he has a problem if he watched it when you were around. So what if he watches it when you aren't around... The reason he is hiding it is simple.. He doesn't want you to make a fuss about it.. Trust me being a guy its easier to hide it because it saves headaches over arguing about it. So don't get this feeling he will lie about other things because thats BS I think. Im sure thats why he does what he does.. So you should think about it before making drastic choices.. Take care, peace
Author sammysue Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 I DO understand most of these responses, Shoot i even agree with some, but how do i stop myself from getting the HURT feelings that i get when i find out?I mean it really truly breaks my heart. why u ask? I wish i knew.
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Because part of you believes he likes the porn women better than you. But it's not true. You have to stop believing it because it's not true. Once you stop believing that, you won't feel hurt anymore. He's NOT rejecting you.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I told my ex early on in the relationship that I could not be with someone who uses porn. He said he didn't. He was lying. I got suspicious and did a little digging. Turns out he is subscribed to over a dozen internet porn sites....spent more than $1,000 in a year for internet porn, but would complain about being in debt or never having enough money. I believe he is addicted, and when I told him I thought he was, he denied being addicted. So obviously I began to wonder what else he was hiding from me and lying to me about. I soon found out that he was cheating on me and did everything he could to hide it from me. This issue isn't about porn, it's about TRUST. There are some men who are trustworthy, but plenty that aren't. You need to decide for yourself if this guy is worthy of your trust, especially on matters which are much bigger than porn.
mixwell Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I DO understand most of these responses, Shoot i even agree with some, but how do i stop myself from getting the HURT feelings that i get when i find out?I mean it really truly breaks my heart. why u ask? I wish i knew. You want to know why ? Its because you probly have a little bit of low self-esteem. Don't worry about it.. Its nothing personal against you !! Practically EVER guy watches or has watched porn at some point in their life !! Instead of dogging him about the porn why don't you try to act out a kinky role or make it exciting in the bedroom... Not that having sex or making love isn't exciting but do something a little different next time. Maybe tie him up or something. Use your imagination. You know porn can be educational. I have learned a few tips myself Just know that you are the only woman that he gets to be with sexually. sometimes porn is just an escape.. Just like seeing a scary movie or something, it excites our minds. Thats all it is.. So please STOP WORRYING !! Peace
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Mixwell, I don't think it's appropriate to make this about her....about what she "should do". Look at this deeper. This isn't about porn. This is about the fact that she can't trust him. He lied and doesn't respect her feelings on the matter. That is the issue. Not what you think she should be doing in the bedroom.
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 He lied and doesn't respect her feelings on the matter. That is the issue. Not what you think she should be doing in the bedroom. Not all feelings deserve respect. Feelings based on misapprehension or misunderstanding need to be altered through therapy. Too many people suffer from crippling forms of jealousy and this porn problem is a form of that kind of jealousy. It's not healthy that she feels that way and she needs help to stop being insecure and jealous. They are prisons that nobody deserves to live in. Blaming the men for this is forcing them to enable their partners to live a life of misery because they aren't facing or fixing their insecurities and their jealousy.
Mary3 Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I agree with lucrezia on the reasons * why * he does it. Let me tell you a few things : Porn used to be a secret hidden thing many years ago and it has come out into the forefront with the Internet . Now it can be viewed right in your own home. Your bf is visually stimulated by watching a sex scene. He gets an erection and he masterbates, When he is done , its over , for then at least. Until the next urge comes to watch the Porn. Now lets take you for instance. When you become aroused when you are alone I am sure you are fantasizing about someone, whether it be your bf or someone else. If you are alone and playing with yourself , it helps to imagine a certain image or scene. Thats what he is doing. I will also tell you that I never viewed Porn until like 8 years ago and at first when I saw the graphic - ness of it ...I was like ewwww...Then later, when I found something that was soft and romantic .I was more able to view it and imagine that might be me with that person or (whatever) fantasy you desire. Now I can view more interesting stuff. And yes it can stimulate a women too if its done tastefully and respectfully..There is an actual 4 set of Love Making Tapes that you might want to purchase. Its real loving couples making love with sex experts giving you the viewer better teqniques. Its whatever works for you... Why dont you view some adult learning sex tapes and gradually go from there. Its indeed erotic if you yourself find sex erotic and have an open mind.
mixwell Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 Mixwell, I don't think it's appropriate to make this about her....about what she "should do". Look at this deeper. This isn't about porn. This is about the fact that she can't trust him. He lied and doesn't respect her feelings on the matter. That is the issue. Not what you think she should be doing in the bedroom. Like I said as far as trust goes this shouldn't blow it... I am sure the only reason he hides it is to avoid confronation and what could be long hours of arguing. It makes since. To put it in other words (no offense) I used to hide it so my ex wouldn't find it because I didn't want to have to hear her bitch about it.. It was just easier that way.. So I don't think she should not trust him because of this... She also was wondering why it bothered her to which I replied with the previous post saying its insecurity,jealousy and probbly low self-esteem.. But like I said its not personal against her, it just makes masturbation better sometimes thats all.. You have to improvise when you can't be with your partner sometimes!! haha
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 I used to hide it so my ex wouldn't find it because I didn't want to have to hear her bitch about it.. It was just easier that way.. It is not unrealistic for her to expect her partner not to look at other women having sex. I can't believe I have to point this out, and argue for moral decency and respect towards the person one claims to love. This f'ing society has gone straight to he!!.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 1. It is not unrealistic for her to expect her partner not to look at other women having sex. 2. I can't believe I have to point this out, and argue for moral decency and respect towards the person one claims to love. 3. This f'ing society has gone straight to he!!. 1. You are right - what is right for her, is right. So is her b/f - what is right for him, is right. Unfortunately, their idea of what it right for themselves is not what is right for each other. There has to be some compromise. A "you are wrong and I am right" decision in this matter will do nothing but eventually end the relationship. 2. Different people have different ideas about morality and respect - it comes down to a basic difference of opinion based on the ego needs of any given person. The success of relationship lies not in who is right or wrong in this, but finding the middle ground for both partners. 3. I would wager people have been saying that since the beginning of civilized time.
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 1. It is not unrealistic for her to expect her partner not to look at other women having sex. 2. I can't believe I have to point this out, and argue for moral decency and respect towards the person one claims to love. 3. This f'ing society has gone straight to he!!. You have to understand that standards of what is 'right' and what constitutes 'moral decency' are not universal and that what you may happen to think is immoral is not necessarily considered so by others - including many many women. LB hit the nail on the head perfectly.
Author sammysue Posted September 16, 2005 Author Posted September 16, 2005 OK you say its just an add on , a helper for masterbating. He says he DOES NOT do that when he watches it.
Outcast Posted September 16, 2005 Posted September 16, 2005 He says that because he figures you'd be even madder. Or he remembers his mom freaking out and doesn't want that again. Or he's embarrassed. Or maybe he doesn't masturbate while he watches but does so just after.
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