Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 So the short story is, I started dating a wonderful man about two months ago. When I met him, for whatever reason I made the terrible decision to lie and say I worked in a profession that I was still training for. We got more serious and as this happened I felt compelled to keep up with said lie. One day, I woke up with intense guilt and needed to come clean. Upon doing this he stated that although he was disappointed, we would work through it and he forgave me. The very next day he was acting extremely stand offish stating that I made him look stupid and he’s not okay with that and he’s not sure if he even wants to be with me. We had finally gotten to a space where we regularly said we loved each other and were starting to plan a future together. Although I genuinely understand that I have to live with my consequences, at what point do I demand he stop holding it over my head and remind him that our relationship should be more important than his ego? Do I even have any room for an argument? I feel horrible, but it was more important to be honest with him. Any advice is welcome and appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 If he can't forgive AND forget, you best forget him. That lie may be more then he can stomach because in his head if you lied about that he's wondering what else you lied about. That white lie has now colored his whole perception of you & while he said open minded things he's not really OK with it. Time & transparency will be required for him to "get over it." If you are not willing to wait, just give up
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 That lie may be more then he can stomach because in his head if you lied about that he's wondering what else you lied about. That white lie has now colored his whole perception of you & while he said open minded things he's not really OK with it. Yes, all of the above. It's not just about his ego, OP. It's about you presenting yourself differently from who you really are, and continuing to lie about it. You did the right thing coming clean, but you have to understand he is likely questioning everything about you now. It lowers your integrity in his eyes. Give him some time to process this. He might just make the decision not to continue dating anyway, but I think you have to be a little more patient. If he wants to keep seeing you, then you both need to work to meet each other in the middle: him by not using this as ammo in his back pocket, and you by being a more honest person.
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Yes, all of the above. It's not just about his ego, OP. It's about you presenting yourself differently from who you really are, and continuing to lie about it. You did the right thing coming clean, but you have to understand he is likely questioning everything about you now. It lowers your integrity in his eyes. Give him some time to process this. He might just make the decision not to continue dating anyway, but I think you have to be a little more patient. If he wants to keep seeing you, then you both need to work to meet each other in the middle: him by not using this as ammo in his back pocket, and you by being a more honest person. I genuinely appreciate the input. I don’t mean to come off as entitled as I know I did wrong. I’m just so disappointed in myself. I definitely learned a very hard lesson. Just be honest the first time!!!
Giraffe-A Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 It's the principle. Seems like everyone these days have major trust issues and the last thing you want to do is lead them to believe you're something you are not. If you lied about this, what else can you possibly be lying about. And why? You can try to salvage this by explaining why you lied. Why you felt it was the right thing to do. Keep it short. Then just wait.
preraph Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 No, you don't get to demand anything. You're the one who lied and now he's wondering what else you have or will lie about. I don't know you've been together along enough for him to feel it's worth it to work it out in counseling.
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 No, you don't get to demand anything. You're the one who lied and now he's wondering what else you have or will lie about. I don't know you've been together along enough for him to feel it's worth it to work it out in counseling. Demand was not a good word. My apologies. I think at this point I’m just going to take this lesson and learn from it the best I can. It all boils down to I just wanted him to like me, how juvenile! I truly am so ashamed.
Ronni_W Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 Although I genuinely understand that I have to live with my consequences, at what point do I demand he stop holding it over my head and remind him that our relationship should be more important than his ego? Do I even have any room for an argument? You do have room for a conversation and discussion; no need to turn it into an argument. There is no point at which you can demand that he do something or not do something; but, at every point you can ask (however, keeping in mind that he does not ever have to comply). I would go the other way, and tell him that if he cannot get over it, then you will leave him. Since you were in training for that profession, you did not actually lie about it, IMO. But, at the same time, you were not fully forthcoming. If he cannot see the difference, then you will want to be the one who is checking out his qualities and what he brings to the table, instead of vice versa. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 It all boils down to I just wanted him to like me, how juvenile! I truly am so ashamed. Have you told him that? I was introduced to a guy once. In the course of talking to him I told him some humble brag stories. I wanted him to like me & think well of me. It had the opposite effect. He told the friend who introduced us that I was conceited & only talked about myself like I was perfect. Sometimes people's perceptions of who were are lead them to inaccurate places.
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Have you told him that? I was introduced to a guy once. In the course of talking to him I told him some humble brag stories. I wanted him to like me & think well of me. It had the opposite effect. He told the friend who introduced us that I was conceited & only talked about myself like I was perfect. Sometimes people's perceptions of who were are lead them to inaccurate places. I have apologized, begged, apologized some more. He told me that he thinks very highly of me still and that I had no reason to lie about it in the first place. He is right. He seems concerned with the embarrassment of others “you made me look stupid and that’s not cool” I essentially then told him that I loved him and I would give him space, and haven’t heard anything since.
d0nnivain Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 I have apologized, begged, apologized some more. I get that. You are contrite. What I mean was have you point blank said you lied because you wanted to impress him & that you are ashamed now? Did you use those words?
ExpatInItaly Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 I have apologized, begged, apologized some more. He told me that he thinks very highly of me still and that I had no reason to lie about it in the first place. He is right. He seems concerned with the embarrassment of others “you made me look stupid and that’s not cool” I essentially then told him that I loved him and I would give him space, and haven’t heard anything since. I get where he's coming from. He's probably talked you up to his friends and family, including your line of work, and it has turned out not to be true. They will likely learn that sooner or later, and give him guff about dating a woman who lies about such things. That would be embarrassing for him. Though it ultimately paints you in a negative light, and it's not his fault, it is also certainly going to be awkward for him as well when and if he explains that you were not honest with him.
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 I get that. You are contrite. What I mean was have you point blank said you lied because you wanted to impress him & that you are ashamed now? Did you use those words? Oh yes. I have.
alphamale Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 what was the motivation for lying in the first place
stillafool Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 How long will it be before you become the professional you lied about?
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 what was the motivation for lying in the first place At the time we met, I was in the last 6 months of training for it. I am literally in the final stages of training. I just didn’t think it would go anywhere and I was trying to impress him. I woke up one day and realized we can’t base our relationship on a lie, and that he was a person I wanted a future with which was when I decided to come clean.
alphamale Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 At the time we met, I was in the last 6 months of training for it. I am literally in the final stages of training. I just didn’t think it would go anywhere and I was trying to impress him. I woke up one day and realized we can’t base our relationship on a lie, and that he was a person I wanted a future with which was when I decided to come clean. I see...well, if he truly loves and cares for you then he should let this go. It is a minor issue, people lie about much larger things. If he doesn't forgive you after a period of time then you need to reassess the situation with him. 1
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 I see...well, if he truly loves and cares for you then he should let this go. It is a minor issue, people lie about much larger things. If he doesn't forgive you after a period of time then you need to reassess the situation with him. Thanks for the input. He decided this morning he’s not interested in moving forward with the relationship. I’m heartbroken but accept the consequence. Learned a valuable lesson with this one!
Author Luckynotsoinlove Posted December 22, 2018 Author Posted December 22, 2018 I recently made a post about how a lie about my profession cost me my relationship. I’m having a hard time moving on, forgiving myself, and grieving the loss of my relationship. Do I leave him alone? Do I fight for him? How can I honestly move forward and forgive myself? Any input would be greatly appreciated, I’m in need of some support as I feel so terrible. TIA PS- in the breakup text message he stated that “there is no interest in moving forward with the relationship or trying again, this is where it ends. And also that he “thought he had forgiven me until he spoke to a friend and realized how stupid it sounded” so I don’t think there is any hope for reconciliation tbh, but unsure if I should try anyway.
Normm Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 I read your back posts. A lie is no way to start a relationship. This guy has his dealbreakers and you crossed the line. Odds are he wasn't all that into you anyway or he might have forgiven. Either way he's made it clear he's not interested. Respect his wishes and leave him alone. As far as forgiving yourself for lying? I don't know what to tell you, I can't even wrap my head around why you "lied to impress him" that's rather troublesome. To me it seems like you might be somewhat emotionally unstable and perhaps he feels the same way.
loversquarrel Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 Sucks to hear, but lying about anything in such an early stage of a relationship isn't a good way to build trust and respect. I don't blame him for not wanting to stay, he was manipulated, disrespected and lied to at only two months in. You hurt him, not his ego either but his heart. Next time don't be so careless with someone else's feelings just because you feel not good enough, if he didn't want to be with you because of what you do then that would have been on him.
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