Communication Red Flag or am I impatient?

[Ariesgirly]

Hey everyone!

 

Need some insight here. Let me preface this by saying, just from experience, most of the time when I start dating someone who I really click with, theres frequent conversation and phone calls from them. I almost don't have to lift a finger. I am in a confusing situation now.

 

I have recently been seeing someone, we are 3 dates in and I am wondering if his communication is a red flag or I am just used to something else or needy people. We clicked instantly and both talked about how we wanted to wait to have sex and get to know each other better to avoid "one week stands" where things fall apart quickly. Honestly, I wasn't even that physically attracted him initially and was surprised how much I liked his personality. Our dates have been about 4-5 hours on average. We have a lot of fun together and every time we part ways he texts me how much fun he had and how he cant wait to see me again. He always is very attentive with his phone after dates with flowing conversation. We last saw each other on Thursday and he texted me immediately after saying how I make him feel like he is in high school again and he feels alive. He has also asked me to hang out on New Years Eve and told me he wants to see me next Thursday when he gets back.

 

The only issue is, when Im not with him I feel like theres nothing between us. We text a bit during the day but no conversation flows. Even if he texts me first and I respond, there usually isn't a acknowledgement to my response or 6 hours later he will send me a text thats unrelated to the topic earlier (usually a picture of something or something about his day) He never really asks about my day or wants to know what I am doing.

 

Last night he was making the long drive home for Christmas and I let him know he could call me if he wanted some company and he said he will take me up on the offer. He doesn't really call me so I wanted to flat out give him the option to see if he would. I let him know when I was home and available and he never responded and never called. I tossed and turned all night thinking about if I need to start running already. I have a habit of overlooking red flags but I can't decide if I am just being impatient and expecting too much or if this is a red flag early on about his communication. I feel like if he really is as crazy about me as he says he is then he should be dying to talk to me. Thoughts?

[smackie9]

The intensity hasn't arrived yet...still new, and getting to know you. Relax, this can be a good thing. Go find something else to do than fretting over someone you only had 3 dates with.....

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, sounds like a potential red flag ... but not one that justifies fleeing the relationship immediately.

 

You most likely want to have the conversation about him not responding to your tests ... You want to politely point out that his texts do not build on or respond to what you previously said in your texts. That's definitely a red flag.

 

He's allergic to phone calls ... And you feel some missing connection between the dates ... That sense of a missing connection between the dates--great red flag identifier here! ...

 

But no need to act on this right now. You're still getting to know him. But don't run from your concerns either. Keep them front and center and see if you feel the same way two weeks from now. If you do (if you still don't feel a connection in between dates) ... then you want to consider ending things.

 

But no emergency quite yet ... I don't know if you guys are having sex ... I assume you're not ... Do not have sex as an attempt to suppress your worries or as an attempt to coax him out of his shell to be more responsive. That's not the purpose of sex. Sex never resolves a relationship disconnect.

 

So as long as you can sit and chill where you are, just reevaluate in a few weeks. But you might politely say, "I like talking to people on the phone. Is there a reason you didn't feel comfortable talking to me on the phone when you were traveling?" And mention the texts that don't acknowledge what you have said previously.

 

See what he says ... If his answer reassures you on a deep level (not just a logical level but on an emotional level) ... then proceed with caution. If his answer doesn't calm your nerves ... add that info to the red flag category and think of exiting.

 

That sense of something missing in between your meetings--I actually think that's a HUGE thing--even though if you sat down and talked to a friend, the friend might say, "Oh, that's nothing." In my experience, feelings like this one ... are often quite revealing and accurate and worth heeding.

[Insoc]

It's hard to say really? I have had similar experiences, texting is the worst form of communication IMHO, I hate it. I have dealt with women who just want to keep texting and it causes all types of issues, words are mistaken, emotions are not there even with emojis, it just isn't the same as talking the good old fashion way.

 

I also can tell sometimes that some woman are texting multiple people at one time, this is based on slow response, or not really responding to what you say, big red flag. Some women just like being chased and playing head games.

 

I also have called someone I was talking to recently, she wouldn't answer and never said one thing about it during texting, red flags yes, you have to go with your gut or intuition sometimes. Another thing to consider if someone calls you when they are never home, that is a red flag as they may be married or in a relationship with someone, I experienced this as well.

 

Does he disappear when texting? That is you're talking to him and there is no response, no "talk to you later" or "I'm going to bed"? That's another odd thing I found with one woman I met. Communication is very important in the early stages and also throughout a relationship, very critical initially though.

[Gretchen12]

It sounds like you are not on the same wavelength. When you are together, who leads the conversation with ideas?

You can be sure that if you feel disconnected, so does he.

With texting, what's important is not just the frequency but also the content. It shows your personality. Sometimes when I'm getting to know someone, and we text, I can tell by his replies that he doesn't "get" me. Then I'm disappointed no matter how good looking he is.

[d0nnivain]

Some people are just not talkers. Left to his own devices my husband could go for an all day car ride / drive without saying a word. His preference to be quiet is not a reflection on how much he loves me. Asking him to call me during a long drive would be his idea of hell.

 

He has stuff to do. He's not attached to his phone but you are attaching too much importance to his timing. The ability to be in touch 24/7/365 does not equate to an obligation to be in constant contact with somebody you have only been on 3 dates with.

 

He asked you out for NYE. That is a big deal & clear expression of interest. Focus on that not wherever you insecurities are leading you.

[Giraffe-A]

I feel that when someone starts dating, they should hold off on communicating stuff like, I want to know you before having sex. From experience, guys who initiate that convo are not really available but do want the companionship of a woman for the time being. As your question with the communication, is he always on his phone while he’s with you? If not, then expect that he may be dating others or engaged with other matters that he gives his undivided attention to. It’s really too soon to know for sure. Keep your options open. That will help you from over analysing the one guy that does not give you the attention you are used to.

[Insoc]

I'm strongly against perpetual texting especially on serious topics, I'm 50 so I'm old school, I do think texting has a purpose even in marriage or a relationship, but solely as a means of conversation, no. I use it often, but I hate using vs. face to face or over the phone.

 

On these online dating sites like Match, they have messaging, but often I give out my phone number it either goes all text or phone, then face to face. I have had big issues with text only, also it's quite bad to just disappear during lengthy text conversations without letting the other person know you have to go, like hanging on up on someone without saying anything. Doesn't happen all the time, but it has with younger woman 40ish, that I talked to. Must be the generation?

[SunnyWeather]

You're having expectations for him to act as though he was your boyfriend, he's not. You are only dating this guy and it seems to me like you are trying to 'pin' him down, and he's showing you he's not going to play that game. My advice is to back off, let him text you when he wants to and go from there. Let the relationship, if there even is one, find it's natural flow. You're coming off as needy.

[Ariesgirly]

So update here, he has reached out to me everyday at least once since this post. Sunday I refrained from reaching out to him at all and he actually CALLED me to say hi for the first time. Most of what he has sent me has been a photo or two from his trip and the conversation doesn't last for longer than a few messages back and forth which I should be happy about I guess for only knowing this person a few weeks.

 

 

I guess I am so scared of being hurt it is natural for me to want a put a wall or barrier between him and I before he has a chance to decide he doesn't like me. I have been through so many bad relationships and breakups that have stripped me from my self esteem and times and it seems like once its all back I enter something new that tears me down again. I have the tendency to put people on pedestals and think they are too good for me but when I am single all I hear from people is how they don't understand how I can be single because guys are knocking down my doors. I need to learn to keep that mindset and know that I am worth it

[kendahke]

I guess I am so scared of being hurt

 

Anything done with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. If he doesn't like you, then oh well--his loss. Why would you want to keep someone around who doesn't like you? That's his problem to handle, not yours.

 

it is natural for me to want a put a wall or barrier between him and I before he has a chance to decide he doesn't like me. I have the tendency to put people on pedestals and think they are too good for me

 

Stop doing this. You are going to end up destroying viable relationships. If this thought process is happening, then it sounds more like you're not emotionally ready to be in a relationship. This behavior will cause more unnecessary drama and angst than is needed in a fledgling relationship.

 

Stop trying to live in the future---you've only been on 3 dates and you're acting like you've been together 3 years and he's about to dump you. He's not your boyfriend yet--so you need to chill your expectations and quick. Expectations are future resentments under construction--so keep yours in check for now.

[smackie9]

Stay fun, relaxed, and confident. That should do it.

[MaleIntuition]

The only issue is, when Im not with him I feel like theres nothing between us. We text a bit during the day but no conversation flows.

 

This seems to be a very common complaint these days. The smartphone gives us the opportunity to stay in touch 24/7, sending pictures, chatting, talking, tagging each other in funny pictures or whatnot. But just because you can do something doesn’t mean it’s the smart thing to do.

 

Another way to phrase your question/statement would be; “when I’m not with him - I miss him”. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The smartphone stuffs you are asking about - and probably used to - is not quality time. It’s quantity.

 

Early dating, I believe; it’s much more important to focus on spending quality time together. When you constantly use the phone to create an artificial sense of closeness will that note also take some away from the actual - real - time spent together? You will have less to talk about. Some of the mystery will be gone. You might not look forward to the next date as much. And so on.

 

Another argument against constant contact is that it’s (probably) not sustainable in the long run. As a general rule; isn’t it better if relationship keeps moving forward, how will you react when the constant stream of attention stops?

[olivetree]

Last night he was making the long drive home for Christmas and I let him know he could call me if he wanted some company and he said he will take me up on the offer. He doesn't really call me so I wanted to flat out give him the option to see if he would. I let him know when I was home and available and he never responded and never called.

 

While I think that you can give the whole texting thing a chance to develop as the relationship does, him saying he would call you and then not following through would bother me, especially if he did not acknowledge it later.

 

It builds trust when someone says they will do something and then they follow through.

[sb6052]

I guess this kinda thing happens pretty often and can happen to either gender.

 

I mean I'm a dude but one of the girls I was seeing early last year, while in person quite warm, bubbly, and lovey-dovey, was pretty different during the "in-between" times, during the week since we usually met on weekends. A lot colder or seemingly more aloof and distant. It may just be due to her texting style, maybe just not being a good communicator on the phone and such, or being busy often. She would often take several hours to respond to a text and it would be a short one or two line thing. But when we actually met in person, it felt like she would undo all that negative impression she made on me during the week. It's weird. As each week progressed I would think that this girl isn't into me and she's seeing other dudes or has low interest, but then each Friday or Saturday it would "reset" so to speak, and she convinced me she was really legit. And I think it was, we eventually got to a good point in the relationship before we unfortunately got separated by distance, me having to move for a new job.

 

That being said, I'd say it's a bit too early to make any judgments about red flags that early.

[Ariesgirly]

Another stressor with this lack of communication- when we last saw each other he expressed he wanted to see me tomorrow when he was back for one night before having to go to a wedding for the weekend. I have been under the impression all week I am seeing him tomorrow but even though he has been texting everyday there has still been no mention of hanging out tomorrow. He has yet to let me down with plans but I am hesitant to reach out and confirm. If you guy are telling me that he needs to be pursuing me and reaching out to me does that mean I should not reach out to him to confirm if we are still seeing each other tomorrow?

[Lotsgoingon]

You have the right to send him a message: are we still on for X day? Literally nothing more.

 

Otherwise, you're waiting, a sitting duck at his command (one way to look at this)

 

Now, if you're not going to send him a note, then I would go ahead and schedule something for the night.

 

You need to confront him about this. Confront just means explain that his style doesn't really work for you.

 

Now, there are some people who when they make plans (I'm one of these) ... two weeks in advance, I don't remind folks and I don't need a reminder. It goes on my calendar. But if I'm dating someone, that's different.

[Giraffe-A]

You guys spent hours talking, what are you guys meant to say during text? He may have no need to carry on conversation on text when he can do it in person. Just go slow and let the attraction grow. When he stops making an effort to see you, that’s when you should worry.

And no one wants to talk on long drives. Drives are an awesome time to think and listen to music. Let him enjoy that and go call your family and friends. Relax.

[Ariesgirly]

Hey everyone,

 

I wrote on here a week ago about a guy I had been out with 3 times who said he really likes me but he seems to have issues carrying any conversation via text but doesn't really call. His communication when we aren't together had made me confused on whether or not he is interested. He finally called me earlier this week and we talked for 2 hours and when I called him out on finally calling me he said that he felt like he would bother me if he called me.

 

Well, last night we saw each other for the 4th time and the topic of sex came up and I told him that when we were to have sex that would mean to me that we were exclusive. He said "well I would hope so" and then the conversation sort of shifted to where we both said we were not interested in dating other people. He told me I was super hard to read and that he couldn't tell if I liked him! (exactly how I felt about him) He seemed relieved and told me it made him really happy that I only wanted to see him. I told him I had not expected this conversation to happen this quickly and casually said " I wasn't sure where we stood or if we were on the same page" and he was like "well I mean we have talked about all these things we want to do together" and i pointed out that a lot of guys had done that in the past but weren't serious. He then responded with "are you kidding me?! Who wouldn't want to date you!?" Through out the night he started letting more out about how he wanted to do everything with me and thinks about me all the time, however he did say some things that led me to believe he doesn't think he is worthy of me like how he doesn't know how he landed me and bla bla bla.

 

When he dropped me off at my house he reiterated that he was glad we had that talk and if I ever have any doubts to please just know how much he likes me and told me he worried that I was going to change my mind and say I wanted to see other people because I have been single for a year and initially was not out to find a relationship, this sort of just happened. I told him, trust me I have dated a lot this past year and no one felt right and that he opened me up to the idea again. He also held onto something I said on our first date about how I tend to get bored easily with guys and said he didn't want me to get bored of him.

 

I figured this morning he would have been more communicative after opening up all that information but...nothing. He is going to a wedding out of town this weekend and I finally decided to text him this afternoon letting him know I was thinking of him and hopes he has a safe drive. He responded an hour later with a simple " I just got here. Miss you already" and that was it.

 

From a mans perspective, does this sound like this is just a communication pattern or a man that is worried too much about pushing me away?

[nospam99]

From a mans perspective, does this sound like this is just a communication pattern or a man that is worried too much about pushing me away?

 

Man here. Pretty much how I would communicate and I see myself as being as open and honest as any guy. The only thing I might have done differently is consider asking you to be my guest at the wedding. But that is probably way too 'early' after only four dates. For me, it would depend on how confident I was in your interest in me. And how close I was to the bride and/or groom to ask about bringing an additional person - RSVPs and seating ya know.