Feeling stressed with my current relationship

[swilliams92]

I have posted a few times about relationship problems that I (26M) am having with my girlfriend (31F) during our 14-month relationship so far.

 

I am really struggling in my own head about how to proceed with things and don't know how to proceed. I don't know if I can be happy with her or what the right thing to do is.

 

I'll bullet point the issues and problems to keep it as concise as possible.

 

* My girlfriend has a preference for black guys and all of her past boyfriends (3) have been black, I am white. Whenever the topic of race comes up at group dinners or whatever she repeats that all of her boyfriends have been black etc. Which makes me feel uncomfortable and like I am not enough.

 

* She has a 'friend' who she has been sleeping with since she was around 18 who is/was a pro athlete. She got pregnant with him a couple of years ago and had a termination. For pretty much the entirety of our relationship she has been in contact with him (messaging on snapchat). We have argued a great deal about this and I have expressed how I am not comfortable with it and she says that it's because I am insecure/paranoid. I said that when you sleep with someone it changes the dynamics of a friendship/relationship and she disagrees and says 'well maybe it does for you but not for me'. She has said that she doesn't find this guy attractive and if they wanted to be together they would be. I believe she has since deleted him and they aren't talking but I only have her word for this as I don't go through her phone.

 

* She has had sex with lots of 'friends' and doesn't see it as a big deal. Aside from the person mentioned above who has been a major issue in our relationship, she has guys on snapchat who message her. She says that they are just friends or are 'harmless' but it still makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

* She has told stories on date nights about how she 'accidentally' slept with one of her best friends exes after a night out.

 

* She mentions when other girls like my posts on social media. I am 100% loyal and have nothing to hide but this seems hypocritical as I know for a fact that there are guys she has slept with liking her posts, which when I mention she says 'who likes my posts has nothing to do with you.

 

* When we were first getting to know each other she said that she was a 'relationship girl' and hadn't been single for longer than a year since she turned 17. She said that she doesn't sleep around or do one night stands. Since being with her she has since disclosed that she cheated on her first boyfriend regularly with 4 different guys, performed oral sex on a 'friend' in a game of truth or dare and has indeed had a string of one night stands.

 

* Whilst she was open with this (after we officially started dating), she, in my opinion, hid the fact that she was sleeping with a guy from work (we work at the same place) for a couple of weeks the year prior to which we met. I found out through a friend and she went mad that he had told me. She said that she was drunk and it was just sex etc. She didn't find him attractive and just enjoyed the attention. What bothers me about this is that she had multiple chances to tell me. She told me a story about how this guy had said (prior to her sleeping with him) that she was 'good to look at and not much else'. I don't get why you would sleep with someone who had previously said this about you and who you aren't attracted to.

 

* We/she has a group of friends who when we argue, she goes straight over to their house (and has even slept there a couple of times) and I know that she talks about me and our relationship in a negative light and then expects me to socialise with them all the time.

 

All of these issues are constantly playing on my mind and I can feel them change my mood when the thoughts enter my head. When she is talking about past events or things that can happen my mind remembers little things she said and pieces together who she was sleeping with that night. I googled it and believe I have retroactive jealousy and I have read a book and watched youtube videos on the matter but I can't get them out of my head.

 

My girlfriend is a very sociable person and gets on with absolutely everyone. She seems to be fun and bubbly with everyone except me. We both are working and living as expats abroad and have a very small circle of people that we can be friends and socialise with. We live together btw. My girlfriend goes to every social event organised and moans if I don't want to. She will moan if I say I am tired if I don't want to go and do something after the gym and work. I honestly don't know what the best thing to do is for myself. My contract is up in 6 months and I am leaving my current job and am not sure what to do next. If we were to break up I believe that I would be lonely for the next 6 months and be totally on my own.

 

Is there a way to get over all of this stuff in my own head? Can we be happy and have a future together or is this doomed?

 

It is making me feel sick with worry and stress constantly and I really don't want to feel like this anymore. I am constantly reminded about her past and guys shes slept with and I can't feel like this anymore.

 

Any advice, please?

 

TLDR; Issues with my (26M) girlfriend (31F) is making me stressed and I don't know what to do for the best.

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

This girl doesn't have the best boundaries. I wouldn't be thrilled in your shoes with the EX lover who got her pregnant still hanging around. Nobody "accidently" sleeps with somebody else.

 

You are anxious because she is not reassuring.

 

She isn't going to change so you have to decide if you are willing to continue to put up with this.

[Kelliousme]

My advice is break up with her.

 

"She said that she doesn't sleep around or do one night stands." Yet.. "She has a 'friend' who she has been sleeping with since she was around 18 who is/was a pro athlete. She got pregnant with him a couple of years ago and had a termination", "She has had sex with lots of 'friends' and doesn't see it as a big deal. Aside from the person mentioned above who has been a major issue in our relationship, she has guys on snapchat who message her.", "Since being with her she has since disclosed that she cheated on her first boyfriend regularly with 4 different guys, performed oral sex on a 'friend' in a game of truth or dare and has indeed had a string of one night stands."

 

Oh boy... sorry but this woman is not girlfriend material and I don't want to say anything further than that.. because her lifestyle is her choice. Definitely not what you're looking for. Save yourself some trouble and just drop her.

[Gretchen12]

If I understand correctly, this is not what you want but you are afraid if you break up you will be lonely? Probably you will break up when you are ready.

[Insoc]

If those are things you can accept, then you either accept them or move on, sounds to me like you are no accepting them and may never been happy or be able to feel good about it. Relationships like this are hard, when you know too much information about your GF or Wife, I tend to not ever want to know sexual history but if a Women is open about it and talks about it, it's a big deal breaker, especially if she say's how good the sex was with someone prior.

 

I think you should look in the mirror and go with your gut feelings on this one, don't let anyone tell you that you have "insecurity issues", I trust my gut or intuition more than anything, the pain of cutting it off may be hard, but the pain of getting hurt later can be even harder.

 

A lot of women will use that term, "insecurity" but they don't think or feel guilt for their actions or how they are talking/acting. Some people are narcissists and don't feel for other people.

[Giraffe-A]

That’s a long list. Can you honestly picture a future with this girl? She may be asking herself the same question as she feels you’re not very motivated to match her energy and social needs.