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Posted

Does that mean you really loved that person or does it mean something else?

Posted

The length of time an individual grieves any loss is not always a reflection of the love that was felt/shared... In some cases, it can be a reflection of an individuals coping skills (or difficulty coping).

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Posted
The length of time an individual grieves any loss is not always a reflection of the love that was felt/shared... In some cases, it can be a reflection of an individuals coping skills (or difficulty coping).

 

 

How can you know if it's really love or if it's just poor coping?

Posted
How can you know if it's really love or if it's just poor coping?

 

Since the relationship is long over, why is the distinction important?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Posted
Since the relationship is long over, why is the distinction important?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

They came back.

Posted

So if the situation is that someone came back to you and wants to try things again, and (1)you think you truly love them because you never got over them, or (2) you think they truly love you because they say they never got over you, then I would say give it a shot and see. Your posting here means you want to.

 

However, if this relationship was unhealthy and involved cheating or other unacceptable behavior then having a hard time getting over someone is certainly not a sign you are meant to be - it means you need to work on healing yourself of whatever reason you allowed the bad behavior in the first place. And it's very likely the same issues will exist in the relationship.

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Posted
They came back.

 

Then I'd ask if you're grieving the relationship ("I'm still in love with him/her") or the break-up ("can't believe I was cheated on"). As is often said, the past is a pretty accurate predictor of the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Posted
Then I'd ask if you're grieving the relationship ("I'm still in love with him/her") or the break-up ("can't believe I was cheated on"). As is often said, the past is a pretty accurate predictor of the future...

 

Mr. Lucky

In this case, he was grieving as in "I'm still in love with her" and it hurt deeply not to have her in his life anymore and he never moved on like he hoped he would. And because he suffered so much, now that we are back, he feels that he is much more willing to work through problems that may come up.

 

 

I once heard a TED talk about how you really know if it's love and the speak said, if there's both passion and sacrifice shown, then you know it's love. We're still in the process of that, but I just wonder if it's a case of love of a case of he just didn't find anyone else better in that time (neither did I, btw) and he was patient enough to keep waiting.

Posted
In this case, he was grieving as in "I'm still in love with her" and it hurt deeply not to have her in his life anymore and he never moved on like he hoped he would. And because he suffered so much, now that we are back, he feels that he is much more willing to work through problems that may come up.

 

 

I once heard a TED talk about how you really know if it's love and the speak said, if there's both passion and sacrifice shown, then you know it's love. We're still in the process of that, but I just wonder if it's a case of love of a case of he just didn't find anyone else better in that time (neither did I, btw) and he was patient enough to keep waiting.

 

Only time will tell...

 

My advice, take him back only if you are prepared to lose him again. If you are unable to deal with the idea of losing him again, it's probably not a wise risk to take.

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Posted
Only time will tell...

 

My advice, take him back only if you are prepared to lose him again. If you are unable to deal with the idea of losing him again, it's probably not a wise risk to take.

That's great advice. THank you.

Posted

I would be interested in knowing about his coping. If he really truly is missing you, then tesr him out. No amount of waiting from this point on can pull him away. I would tell him I’d think about it. Let him do all the talking and initiating. He’ll have to regain your trust.

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Posted
In this case, he was grieving as in "I'm still in love with her" and it hurt deeply not to have her in his life anymore and he never moved on like he hoped he would. And because he suffered so much, now that we are back, he feels that he is much more willing to work through problems that may come up.

 

 

Was he the dumper or the dumpee?

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Posted
I would be interested in knowing about his coping. If he really truly is missing you, then tesr him out. No amount of waiting from this point on can pull him away. I would tell him I’d think about it. Let him do all the talking and initiating. He’ll have to regain your trust.

 

 

Indeed.

 

 

Was he the dumper or the dumpee?

 

 

He was the dumpee. He also dated someone else after our breakup, but I never dated anyone else.

Posted

He was the dumpee. He also dated someone else after our breakup, but I never dated anyone else.

 

 

Why did you dump him?

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Posted
Why did you dump him?

 

 

For the first year we dated, I bent over backwards to accommodate him in almost every way. I'm a nice giving person and that's just my way. But when it came time for me to ask him to accommodate me, he wouldn't. He had gotten used to things how they were and didn't want to go out of his comfort zone. So I was hurt and concluded that he didn't really love me and I couldn't live like that forever, so I broke up with him.

Posted
For the first year we dated, I bent over backwards to accommodate him in almost every way. I'm a nice giving person and that's just my way. But when it came time for me to ask him to accommodate me, he wouldn't. He had gotten used to things how they were and didn't want to go out of his comfort zone. So I was hurt and concluded that he didn't really love me and I couldn't live like that forever, so I broke up with him.

Good for you for walking away. Just stick to your guns. He may say he misses you, but has he thought about why you guys broke up and is he willing to do more for you?

 

I think you may find your answer when you discover more about that girl he dated. Who ended it, and why?

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Posted
Good for you for walking away. Just stick to your guns. He may say he misses you, but has he thought about why you guys broke up and is he willing to do more for you?

 

 

Thanks. He had a lot of time to think about why we broke up. He says he's willing to do more for me but I think that remains to be seen. I am watching. I mostly made this thread because I was wondering if he is mistaking the loneliness he felt while he was alone for love for me. Sorry, I don't know how to describe what I'm trying to say. I find it hard to put into words.... Thank you for your input though.

 

 

I think you may find your answer when you discover more about that girl he dated. Who ended it, and why?

I really don't know a whole lot about her, except that they dated for 1.5 months. I think things just kind of mutually faded between them. He said he didn't care that much for her and still spoke about me to his friends and family while they were dating and the whole time we were apart. His family corroborated this. He says he thinks this is the reason why he knows he wants to be with me forever and will do anything for me.

Posted

Trouble is you were in effect a pushover and I guess once he dated someone else he realised he couldn't take the Michael out of her so he is back at your door.

 

 

I am not a fan of reconciliations after break ups, as the same issues pop up again as people tend to fall back into the same bad habits that caused the split in the first place...

 

There is also a sexual issue here and those are not easy to ever fix...

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Posted
Trouble is you were in effect a pushover and I guess once he dated someone else he realised he couldn't take the Michael out of her so he is back at your door.

 

 

I am not a fan of reconciliations after break ups, as the same issues pop up again as people tend to fall back into the same bad habits that caused the split in the first place...

 

There is also a sexual issue here and those are not easy to ever fix...

 

 

Yes, I am afraid.

 

 

PS - I haven't been a pushover this time. At least not yet. lol

Posted

He needs to show you that he's changed and I would highly recommend that the process of you allowing him back into your life be gradual. Take it slow. Let him show you that he deserves you.

 

 

 

That is, if that's what you want to do. He needs to regain your trust.

 

 

 

It's also important for you to find out if he really wants to come back because he truly loved and still loves you or if he's just lonely and looking for company. That's why he needs a "probation period" to see if he's actually going to step up.

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