should women play it cool in a relationship?

[lucky-girl]

I read an article giving pretty common advice - that women should play it cool and not let men know how very interested they are because otherwise men will think the woman is needy or desperate, and because women seem more attractive if they at least appear to have other options.

 

I can see how extreme example would be bad - eg. coming on very strong in early days when he's not that keen.

 

But does there come a point when it's better for her to express her true

interest?

If you're in a relationship with a woman and pretty keen on her, how often do you like to hear from her?

When my guy texts me just to keep in touch, to share his thoughts, to tell me he misses me or is thinking of me - that makes my day and makes me feel closer to him. Are men really so different? If your girlfriend texted you most days with such things would she seem needy? Would frequent contact bring you closer or do you appreciate her more when she doesn't contact you for days and you have time to miss her?

 

If you've been together over a year should the woman still play it cool?

[d0nnivain]

Initially both people need to be cool, not play cool but actually be relaxed about the situation. What that means is be in the moment. Be responsive to your partner but don't act like the overly excited dog on the commercial for that bacon treat.

 

You want to give reassurance to the other person that you like them but don't act desperate. If you like somebody call them once in a while, take the initiative to arrange the next date. Don't on you hands like a bump on a log expecting them to chase you without giving them feedback that you enjoy the attention.

 

By the time you are having sex & exchanging ILYs you should be all in, not hanging back & "playing it cool."

[salparadise]

But does there come a point when it's better for her to express her true interest?

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

If you're in a relationship with a woman and pretty keen on her, how often do you like to hear from her? When my guy texts me just to keep in touch, to share his thoughts, to tell me he misses me or is thinking of me - that makes my day and makes me feel closer to him. Are men really so different? If your girlfriend texted you most days with such things would she seem needy?

 

No, men are not so different. I'd want her to show her interest. If a woman was playing it cool, not reciprocating, never texting first, etc., I'd probably lose interest and move on. This is game-playing and inauthentic. That's not to say I'd want to be love bombed, but I want it to be reciprocal. It takes two to tango, as they say.

 

...or do you appreciate her more when she doesn't contact you for days and you have time to miss her?

 

If you've been together over a year should the woman still play it cool?

 

If she didn't contact me for days I'd think something was wrong. If I initiated and didn't get timely responses, I'd move on.

 

A year? Seriously? With me it wouldn't get past a few weeks if she was feigning disinterest. Who wants to deal with that kind of BS? Just be yourself and be spontaneous.

 

How much is too much? I think it mostly depends on the people, but in the beginning I'd suggest texting once or twice a day, and the woman should initiate about half of the time. As it progresses do what feels natural and take cues from your partner as to how much contact he likes.

 

I think you read some bad advice. Really bad advice.

[kendahke]

People should be their real and authentic selves and quit being so invested in game playing and manipulation tactics.

[depcharger]

I read an article giving pretty common advice - that women should play it cool and not let men know how very interested they are because otherwise men will think the woman is needy or desperate, and because women seem more attractive if they at least appear to have other options.

 

I can see how extreme example would be bad - eg. coming on very strong in early days when he's not that keen.

 

But does there come a point when it's better for her to express her true

interest?

If you're in a relationship with a woman and pretty keen on her, how often do you like to hear from her?

When my guy texts me just to keep in touch, to share his thoughts, to tell me he misses me or is thinking of me - that makes my day and makes me feel closer to him. Are men really so different? If your girlfriend texted you most days with such things would she seem needy? Would frequent contact bring you closer or do you appreciate her more when she doesn't contact you for days and you have time to miss her?

 

If you've been together over a year should the woman still play it cool?

 

If you want something say exactly what you want

Men wish women more direct about everything.

those rare girls are awesome

[ChatroomHero]

The key word, "Play". I don't like playing people and I don't like being played. If someone likes me and I like them, I don't want to guess where they stand based on false indicators.

 

 

"Playing it cool" comes across the same as low interest a lot of times. Instead of playing, the adult thing to do is be cool. Don't be needy. Don't be desperate. There is no need to "play" because you are playing with people's emotions.

 

 

I mean how frustrating is it if I really want to see you, really bad and would love to go out with you and you are into me, but I blow you off a few times because I want you to think I am cool and in demand?

 

 

As a guy, I hate games. If someone is frustrating me to get me more interested, I'll actually just get more frustrated and less interested. I don't want to jump through arbitrarily created hoops to gain your attention. I am determining your value the same as your are determining mine. Early on if I find you are frustrating and playing games, I determine your value to be very low. If you show interest and put forth effort and show that you value me, I will value you more.

 

 

Most things you play have a winner and a loser, so why play anything? There's nothing more frustrating than asking a girl out and her saying flat out no, only to have her say a year later, "Why didn't we ever go out? You know I was into you!". It just makes me glad I avoided her.

[Andy_K]

I can see how extreme example would be bad - eg. coming on very strong in early days when he's not that keen.

 

Essentially just that. It's a set of training wheels. If your natural self is obsessive, clingy, overly attached and insecure, then yes you need to 'play it cool' until you've fixed that.

 

But does there come a point when it's better for her to express her true

interest?

 

Once you enter a dating/relationship scenario as a well-rounded and balanced individual, there's no longer any need for it at all.

[chillii]

l don't mean this for you op so don't take it personally l know how confusing everything must be these days with all the crap out there.

l don't think in human history could humans ever be so confused and fkg about the most natural of human interaction.The interent , media, articles , floating all over the planet , often written by just anyone , my God, what an effg mess.Tbh , l don't even know how to explain what is such a simple and natural thing that has to be no more complicated than falling in love of two people are honest.

But l'm probably in a much older range, 50s and thankfully anyone with half a brain are still old school and it's all still as cut and dry and simple as it should be. But this day and age there seems to be so many games and dos and don'ts for younger people , l don't even know how the tit for tat mentality even gets anywhere tbh.

 

So as probably a younger female , seems you do have to take a bit of care entering a relationship and not leave yourself too open to being used up or to the games these days.

So l don't think you should let too much out to start , maybe more go by what he lets out and keep it at about that level for awhile, his feelings should be growing and showing more and more and if yours are too then let them out more too as your going along and enjoy.

lf it's love you seek and he is in love , then there should be no mistaking that one anyway although with all the games these days , hate to think tbh.

l'd like to think though two people young or old could still just go and be crazy about each other and it all takes care of itself.

 

Hope that makes some kinda sense.

Edited December 21, 2018 by chillii

[Garcon1986]

Dont play it cool play it waaaaarm

[Emilia]

The rule of thumb for me is to show restraint for the first 3 months, maybe that's what they mean by 'playing it cool'.

 

That should still mean communication, him texting/calling, you texting/calling, making plans, reciprocating, etc - but holding back from making that person the centre of your life. This is because you are trying tro get to know him and vica versa, you don't want the rose tinted glasses to cloud your judgement.

 

3 months is nothing in the big scheme of things but I think it's enough to see pattern. I met someone a few months ago I really liked (we briefly worked together and I had a lot of respect for his intellect and thoughtfulness) and I would have LOVED to jump straight in but glad I didn't. I have more dating experience (he was in an LTR until recently) so I was willing to fix a couple of slip ups in the beginning but had to give up after a few weeks. It would have dragged on longer if I had just jumped in.

 

Those initial few months will show you who the person is and that period also teaches you what to look out for when it comes to your blind spots in selecting a partner.

[basil67]

l don't mean this for you op so don't take it personally l know how confusing everything must be these days with all the crap out there.

 

It's not new. I remember discussing this kind of advice as a schoolgirl with my friends in the 1980's. Seemed silly then and seems silly now.

 

I always advocate for being oneself, but to also recognise that the first 6 months or so involve rose coloured glasses.

[preraph]

Absolutely agree that everyone needs to chill out on the first few dates. You don't even know the person! It scares men and women alike if someone is too eager too early and for good reason. It shows they are desperate to find that ideal person that lives only in their head and are projecting it onto you, or it shows that they want someone, anyone, and don't care who, often the case for guys who just want sex. And they'll lovebomb you to get it.

 

Just from my own personal experience, here's a couple of things I've learned for certain types.

 

One guy was very good looking and women threw themselves at him all the time. The only way to get his attention was 1) if he could save you and be a hero so you'd have some way to like him for more than looks or 2) played it cool, which is what I did. Any desirable guys with multiple options, it's the same. Banter works on some of those guys of course, too, as long as they can both dish it out and take it. They just want someone a little challenging.

 

I also used to be drawn to some more meek guys, and the results were different but I can't say any of them were good results. You see it on here, scared guys who want women to throw themselves at them. There was even one who had one crawl in bed naked and was still unsure if she liked him. I was always willing to talk to those guys, and my personal experience is- one was gay and not ready to admit it and NO sex, terrified of sex, had nightmares about it. I mention it only because it went on forever with him remaining jealous of me and acting like my boyfriend.

 

And a few more, while they probably rarely had the nerve to reach out to women themselves, the fact that I was aggressive enough to approach them scared and startled them. I would say in some cases, even made them suspicious. I remember one guy actually hiding his lunch bag from me, like I was going to take it.

 

If they're too afraid to initiate, they're even more afraid of women who do is my experience, even though on here, they keep saying that's what they want.

 

They want to think a woman is "shy," even shyer than them, and that's the fantasy, that if they could just know two things 1) she's shyer than them and 2) she's really into them (Like how are they magically going to know that?), then they feel they could make a move.

 

So when I was young, I'd have made the argument that you are super chill on the popular ones with options and go in for the kill like a cheetah on a lame antelope on the meek ones -- but I learned the latter is just not the case. Don't have the answer for it. As Nancy Pelosi would say, It's a nonstarter. I suppose maybe if you went up to one of those guys and did a lot of theatrical cartoon blushing and giggling, they might get emboldened. Who knows. But at some point they have to be able to deal with the real you, so what's the point?

[smackie9]

I never had an issue with being assertive/expressive of my interest in someone. The guys seemed to really like it from what I remember...it never bothered my husband that's for sure.

[elaine567]

I never had an issue with being assertive/expressive of my interest in someone. The guys seemed to really like it from what I remember...it never bothered my husband that's for sure.

 

 

Exactly.

Seems to me that too many are playing it cool so as not to appear clingy, needy or desperate and are missing out on perfectly good options, as all being cool really conveys is a lack of interest.

 

 

Showing interest is a good thing, it usually weeds out those who are not interested...

[losangelena]

Playing cool after a year?! Wtf kind of advice is that?

[carhill]

I found the healthiest relationships resulted where the lady I was dating was consistent, not hot and cold, not cool or warm, but consistent. Usually there were bumps around ILY times, sex times, and you and me together long-term times but that was situational, not indicating a pattern of vacillation or extremes.

 

Simply, I felt she enjoyed socializing with me, we got each other, and felt consistent and growing mutual connection and love and admiration. It didn't have to be a bonfire, nor an iceberg

 

When I see a woman's words and actions not matching up, then I pay more attention to the hot and cold thing and, usually, as my dad always said, once the accounting starts the relationship is doomed. Pretty much has been the case IME.

[chillii]

It's not new. I remember discussing this kind of advice as a schoolgirl with my friends in the 1980's. Seemed silly then and seems silly now.

 

I always advocate for being oneself, but to also recognise that the first 6 months or so involve rose coloured glasses.

 

From the female point of view even far more like that back then if anything.

But the rest of this dating thing , my god , if the internet's anything to go by , whata mess.

[Insoc]

Best advice I heard from a dating coach on Women, "They are like cats, they like to go out and roam the neighborhood and will come back at some point". I have seen this with several women I have dated in the past and recently.

 

I think some women don't know what they want, and cannot remain "cool" sometimes can be overly aggressive and forward, sexually speaking I mean i had a online thing where I was being asked for naked photos and flat out was told, "I'm not saying another word (via text) till I see pics. When they don't get what they want, they can turn on a dime, so that's not "playing it cool" IMHO.

[sabaton]

I read an article giving pretty common advice - that women should play it cool and not let men know how very interested they are because otherwise men will think the woman is needy or desperate, and because women seem more attractive if they at least appear to have other options.

Yeah, and men seem more attractive if they play it cool and appear to have other options. With two playing that game a draw happens and a relationship has a much chance of occuring as I have of starring in the next Captain America as Captain America.

 

Women who are very interested in a man should make it clear, so the guy figures she is interested in him, and not in the attention he can provide.

 

I can see how extreme example would be bad - eg. coming on very strong in early days when he's not that keen.

Trust me, if he thinks she's hot, if she's his type, whatever type he has - he'll be very keen. I remember when I was first approached by my type, and I was over the moon joyous about it. It feels great to feel desired, as a man, instead of women sitting there pretty smiling at me and expecting me to approach and to dazzle.

 

But does there come a point when it's better for her to express her true

interest?

I'd prefer if she made it clear from the start.

 

1st- college girlfriend, came up to me after she saw how low my jaw was hanging when I saw her for the first time, because of how attractive she was, and after a week or two of watching me staring so much at her and not approaching - she went ahead and approached me, then she started talking and asked me to go with her to an event done by her college friends and then she asked for my phone number, email, and she was the very first to start a conversation asking me to go out on a date with her.

 

Did I take it that she was desperate? No. I was amazed at how forward she was.

 

If you're in a relationship with a woman and pretty keen on her, how often do you like to hear from her?

I would like for her to initiate contact once every day, yes. I'm not like, wanting to spend hours a day talking to them everyday, although there was one girlfriend I stayed up all night talking to and then I spend the next entire day with her in person.

 

When my guy texts me just to keep in touch, to share his thoughts, to tell me he misses me or is thinking of me - that makes my day and makes me feel closer to him. Are men really so different?

Nah, we are not that different. We enjoy being remembered that someone is thinking about us, and that we're wanted.

 

If your girlfriend texted you most days with such things would she seem needy?

Listen, I once dated a woman who texted me 90 phone messages in a row being all sweet and romantic and sassy and sexy. Another guy might have thought '' stalker'' if he was to pick his phone and see his phone light up like that, but when I did I thought to myself that I was lucky af to have a girl this hot that was so into me lmaoooo.

 

Would frequent contact bring you closer or do you appreciate her more when she doesn't contact you for days and you have time to miss her?

Contact me everyday.If you've been together over a year should the woman still play it cool?

 

Don't play it cool. I want her to buy me flowers, write me romantic poems, and do all that stuff. Make me feel desireable and wanted.

Edited December 22, 2018 by sabaton

[Giraffe-A]

It works both ways, but I feel that you should act exactly as you want to be because that’s the only way to find your match. The trick is letting go when its not.

[Woggle]

Just be natural and stop treating human interaction like some major production.

[Fair]

Anytime you have to 'play' anything the whole thing is garbage.