light yagami Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 (edited) So two questions. Thoughts on one or both appreciated. 1. I think my fiance and I need to sit down and have a discussion about is this what we want (marriage). I am having a lot of feelings that make me worried about the future. One of the main things that I worry about is it may litteraly be too much for her to handle. So how do I gently broach the subject? 2. I know everyone says "don't settle for good enough" but I legitimately think that maybe I should. Maybe just riding the rest of my life out as is may be what I need to do. My life is way complicated and I have a stable home for me and my kids. Maybe this is really as good as it can be. I don't dislike my fiance we just do not see each other much and there is zero spark when we do get an hour or so together. Edited December 21, 2018 by light yagami More clarity
Author light yagami Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 We have been engaged for over a year. But right after everything went south. She brings up wedding plans once in a while but I don't know what to say so I don't say much of anything. Probably becoming more and more obvious. But it doesn't come up often since we don't see each other often.
chillii Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Bit hard to say there's really not much to go on but why don't you see each other very often, how often is that? What is the hour is that all the time at once you ever get have you ever spent a lot of time together, days, weeks or months ,how were things then any different ? That could change a lot of things if your only use to an hour or something at a time together, orrr, it'd tell you what you need to know. As far as talking about things, maybe she's feeling all the same and wants to talk herself. But anyway your really gonna have to talk about it whatever the case so you'll just have to try and bring it up at the best time you can find or maybe it comes up and you can go from there. The whole don't settle thing craze out there these days is confusing a lot of people l notice. But it's not just as black and white as that, we all have good and bad things with our partners, and then there's age and all it's stages , life, where we're at.
ShadeOfGreen Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 So two questions. Thoughts on one or both appreciated. 1. I think my fiance and I need to sit down and have a discussion about is this what we want (marriage). I am having a lot of feelings that make me worried about the future. One of the main things that I worry about is it may litteraly be too much for her to handle. So how do I gently broach the subject? 2. I know everyone says "don't settle for good enough" but I legitimately think that maybe I should. Maybe just riding the rest of my life out as is may be what I need to do. My life is way complicated and I have a stable home for me and my kids. Maybe this is really as good as it can be. I don't dislike my fiance we just do not see each other much and there is zero spark when we do get an hour or so together. Start the talk from the standpoint of your feelings, and approach your concerns in a way that you want to solve them as a team. Avoid the onus being put on her. You can help each other out. "I'm feeling afraid right now, because I'm not sure we are doing well with X, Y, and Z. I want to try this. What do you think?". When you make yourself vulnerable and put your hand out for help, the response from your partner can say a lot about where your relationship is. As far as settling, don't. However, don't give up either. Try to repair and improve. Opening up communication and discussing concerns carries the possibility to bring couples closer together. Both partners can feel wanted and cared for if their needs are heard.
d0nnivain Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Make a plan to set aside several hours for this talk. Do it in a quiet place with no distractions. Have an idea of what you want for the marriage. Tell her your thoughts then ask about hers. Where you find points of misalignment have further discussion. If there is no spark you best rethink all of this. Do you think that spending more time together will help? Why don't you spend much time together? How do you think that marriage will remedy that?
Author light yagami Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 (edited) Long story I'll try to make it quick. --she works over night at the hospital doing fireman's hours (long blocks on, long blocks off). When she is on I see her as she is getting ready. Hence the 1 hour thing. When she's off she keeps the same hours to make the switch easier. Except she will sleep for an additional 3-4hours. So I don't see her then either except for an hour. When she gets home in the AM she drinks a glass of wine, watches a little TV then goes to bed. We've tried to do things in the AM but IHOP is about all there is to do. At night we tried to go out. But whatever I try to do is "too far away," or "it's my morning I don't want to do that" etc etc etc. --Me. I work 2 jobs one is in the house being a licensed CNA taking care of my son with special needs. The other is as a dean at a middle school. I also do 100% (litteraly 100%) of all cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. --Big picture-- We live in an expensive state but between us we can live more comfortably than either of us have ever known. This has only been for a few months and will Last at least another year. Before this our relationship was declining and I have no hope for improvement even in another year. I have two kids one with special needs and I have a roof over our head food on the table and extra income to do things with them. Also, it was almost immediately after I proposed that the relationship went down and another 6 mostly of decline before she started at the hospital. Edited December 21, 2018 by light yagami Better clarity
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