Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 How do you know whether you enjoy being with someone you're dating for the companionship or if you're developing feelings for them for who they are, not simply because they are there with you? I feel a bit confused about something that's going on and would be interested in some opinions on the above.
carhill Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 The easiest way to tell is from how long a person goes without 'companionship' between relationships. How good of a companion they are to themselves. Historically I've gone so long between relationships or marriage that I know it's love and attachment not simply assuaging fear of being alone. Current record is right now, closing in on ten years. Fortunately, most women I've known who had that affliction (fear) told me early on so I'd be disclosed. They didn't lie, to be sure. They were afraid of being alone and my presence, whether brief or long, was about filling that hole regardless of whether or not there was any love involved. The worst? They fake it (love/attachment) and let one love them. Oh, my, those were instrumental in impelling me go off women. Healthier to be one's own companion by far. 1
olivetree Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 When you are developing feelings for someone based on who they are, there is a feeling of admiration for them. You think they are an awesome person and you want the best for them. I think that is how true love starts anyway... 1
Author Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 I get what you're saying. I suppose it's been a while that I forgot the difference.
Author Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 When you are developing feelings for someone based on who they are, there is a feeling of admiration for them. You think they are an awesome person and you want the best for them. I think that is how true love starts anyway... That sounds reasonable.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Well you can ask yourself a question. If you knew this person was going to hang out with you, doing companion things but they were going to officially date and have sex with someone else ... how would you feel? Or ... do you want to kiss and get physical with this person when you see them ... or does it take a lot of time for you to work up to that with this person? For me, the romantic feeling is more electric ... and I look forward to seeing the person and looking at the person ... and being in their presence, beyond them being "nice" and "attentive" to me. I get a tingly feeling just thinking about them. Companionship is like what I had with an ex who wanted a lot more. I didn't have words at the time, but almost from the start I liked her a lot ... but as a friend. We shared a lot ... were good to each other ... but there was no spark for me. I remember walking down the street with her on beautiful sunny day and we were having a really meaning conversation (we had fantastic talks) .... and she was wearing shorts (short-shorts) and she looked great in shorts .. and ... I'm feeling nothing tingly. Later I realized that was companionship for me. And of course these things blur ... I've had friends, colleagues who I liked ... nothing special ... we talked, hung out some ... nothing romantic happening ... and then bang! All of a sudden I think of them as very attractive and maybe someone I'd like to be intimate with. I don't know how old you are ... but it's not unusual for older folks to bond more on the companion element and get to romance from there. Of course, there are older folks who flat out fall in love. You might need to say more to help us understand your situation. One thing to keep in mind ... no matter how good a person is to me ... if I don't like them, hanging with them can get really old. So I wanna maybe challenge your assumption that you're liking this person for what they do for you. Well, there are bums who'll do stuff for you ... and you'd run as fast as you can away from them. There are jerks who are often willing to do good stuff for you while they treat the rest of the world awfully ...
Giraffe-A Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Someone in the thread seems to have nailed it. Companionship is just that. You are neutral about this person and simply okay with it. When you start developing feelings you see amazing things in this person and for a second you feel like you're not as good as this person and you try to be better.
alphamale Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 I don't know how to answer you but I can tell you that love is more important when you are younger and companionship is more important when you are older 1
Author Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 Well you can ask yourself a question. If you knew this person was going to hang out with you, doing companion things but they were going to officially date and have sex with someone else ... how would you feel? I would probably stop seeing them. Or ... do you want to kiss and get physical with this person when you see them ... I want to be with them and connect on a physical level, not just to have sex for the sake of sex, but on an intimate level, as though I want to be one with them. For me, the romantic feeling is more electric ... and I look forward to seeing the person and looking at the person ... and being in their presence, beyond them being "nice" and "attentive" to me. I get a tingly feeling just thinking about them. I know the feeling. Yes. Companionship is like what I had with an ex who wanted a lot more. I didn't have words at the time, but almost from the start I liked her a lot ... but as a friend. We shared a lot ... were good to each other ... but there was no spark for me. I remember walking down the street with her on beautiful sunny day and we were having a really meaning conversation (we had fantastic talks) .... and she was wearing shorts (short-shorts) and she looked great in shorts .. and ... I'm feeling nothing tingly. Later I realized that was companionship for me. I'm not feeling that. I feel like I want her really bad. And of course these things blur ... I've had friends, colleagues who I liked ... nothing special ... we talked, hung out some ... nothing romantic happening ... and then bang! All of a sudden I think of them as very attractive and maybe someone I'd like to be intimate with. That can happen. You might need to say more to help us understand your situation. One thing to keep in mind ... no matter how good a person is to me ... if I don't like them, hanging with them can get really old. So I wanna maybe challenge your assumption that you're liking this person for what they do for you. The funny things is that it started nice and then I felt like I was getting the short end of the stick, but I still feel like there's something there. So I could be like she really **** me off by doing that. That wasn't cool. But then I would want to connect with her again. Well, there are bums who'll do stuff for you ... and you'd run as fast as you can away from them. There are jerks who are often willing to do good stuff for you while they treat the rest of the world awfully ... That's the confusing part. I can't share more than I have. I wish I could though.
Author Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 I don't know how to answer you but I can tell you that love is more important when you are younger and companionship is more important when you are older Doesn't love endure? If it's true love? Or do you think that there is no such think as enduring love? Companionship with the same person can fade, too. No?
Author Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 Lotsgoingon, My brain is telling me no based on a few things that happened and a few things that raised red flags, but a part of me is like I feel like I could be missing out on something here and don't want to look back and regret not pursuing it.
divegrl Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Love is an action, not a feeling. What’s holding you back? What are the red flags? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Lotsgoingon, My brain is telling me no based on a few things that happened and a few things that raised red flags, but a part of me is like I feel like I could be missing out on something here and don't want to look back and regret not pursuing it. This is what I'd love for you to say more about! What were the red flags? ... and what were the "few things that happened." ...
Blanco Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 The easiest way to tell is from how long a person goes without 'companionship' between relationships. How good of a companion they are to themselves. This. I know someone who has pretty much never been single in her adult life. Her social circle is pretty much whoever she's dating at the time, so when a relationship or fling ends, she is quick to find a placeholder. I don't doubt she likes the guys she spends time with, but she seems more concerned with having someone to text throughout the day than finding that true love.
Author Logo Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 This. I know someone who has pretty much never been single in her adult life. Her social circle is pretty much whoever she's dating at the time, so when a relationship or fling ends, she is quick to find a placeholder. I don't doubt she likes the guys she spends time with, but she seems more concerned with having someone to text throughout the day than finding that true love. That's the key I think. I'm not looking for a placeholder. I'm looking for true love and now that I'm again taking stock, I don't think she's true love material for me.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 That's the key I think. I'm not looking for a placeholder. I'm looking for true love and now that I'm again taking stock, I don't think she's true love material for me. Love to hear more ... but it's up to you.
alphamale Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Doesn't love endure? If it's true love? Or do you think that there is no such think as enduring love? Companionship with the same person can fade, too. No? most of the time romantic love does fade
chillii Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 (edited) Doesn't love endure? If it's true love? Or do you think that there is no such think as enduring love? Companionship with the same person can fade, too. No? For me when l was married it only faded because ex changed so much with age and time and kids and lifes stresses, l probably did too, sadly it all got away from both of us. Hard to describe or answer the question though. But your just into each other, love being together, loving watching her or having little chuckles about some of her ways. Doesn't matter if your talking or ruining the bedroom together or just sitting on a couch or mosying around the house like a couple of grannies, or doing something exiting, you just like being with each other around each other whatever's going on. You love who they are and who you are together. Edited December 21, 2018 by chillii
olivetree Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 I think your question has been interpreted by some in this thread as "how can you tell the difference between companionate love and romantic love?" That is not how I interpreted it at all. I thought it was more "how can you tell if you like someone for who they truly are vs. them being someone to pass the time with?"
FMW Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 I'm 53. Personally, I would rather just hang out with my friends if I'm not truly interested in someone as more. I don't feel need for companionship that my platonic friends can't fill. I find "dating" of no interest unless I'm feeling a real romantic attraction. So that would be my number one question, how does hanging out with her compare to hanging out with one of your platonic female friends? Are they interchangeable experiences (other than feeling horny and thinking sure, maybe)? 1
YoungCandy Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 For me when l was married it only faded because ex changed so much with age and time and kids and lifes stresses, l probably did too, sadly it all got away from both of us. Hard to describe or answer the question though. But your just into each other, love being together, loving watching her or having little chuckles about some of her ways. Doesn't matter if your talking or ruining the bedroom together or just sitting on a couch or mosying around the house like a couple of grannies, or doing something exiting, you just like being with each other around each other whatever's going on. You love who they are and who you are together. A good point about fading love after marriage. I think life changing events like having children, relocation or affairs have great impact on people and may change them permanently. Couples without going through these major changes usually can maintain the loving relationship a lot better. In my own case, had we remained childless I'm pretty sure the passion and love between me and wife would be a lot stronger. Personally, the so called companionship with a partner is unbearable. I will never want to live like that.
chillii Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 A good point about fading love after marriage. I think life changing events like having children, relocation or affairs have great impact on people and may change them permanently. Couples without going through these major changes usually can maintain the loving relationship a lot better. In my own case, had we remained childless I'm pretty sure the passion and love between me and wife would be a lot stronger. Personally, the so called companionship with a partner is unbearable. I will never want to live like that. Yeah it's all huge stuff for a couple isn't it especially children but the whole lot too. A lot said too that you'll change with age and she will too we all grow aND change and true enough but l didn't expect the core person to do a complete about face but it's strange , that can happen.
Mysterio Posted December 23, 2018 Posted December 23, 2018 Friendships are supposed to take the edge off of a romantic relationship. So you don't overload your relationship with your partner, married or just BF/GF status. To me the most I would want the woman and I is like this. A hug and kiss when we get together. We have interesting conversations and laughs. Do social and recreational activities together. A hug and kiss when we part for the night. Make out and make love 2-3 times a week if possible. That's it. That to me is healthy and balanced. I don' need sex every day, but I don't want to go weeks without it as well.
Author Logo Posted December 23, 2018 Author Posted December 23, 2018 I thought it was more "how can you tell if you like someone for who they truly are vs. them being someone to pass the time with?" That was the meaning of my initial question. What's your view?
Author Logo Posted December 23, 2018 Author Posted December 23, 2018 I'm 53. Personally, I would rather just hang out with my friends if I'm not truly interested in someone as more. I don't feel need for companionship that my platonic friends can't fill. I find "dating" of no interest unless I'm feeling a real romantic attraction. So that would be my number one question, how does hanging out with her compare to hanging out with one of your platonic female friends? Are they interchangeable experiences (other than feeling horny and thinking sure, maybe)? It's a feeling of missing someone when they're not there. It's feeling connected, that you're both feeding off of each other's energy.
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