The Dreaded Delete or Not

[TheFinalWord]

A girl I was dating a couple months ago and I are still on social media together. Long story short, we had a really passionate, but short-term "relationship" where she basically said she was not ready to go any further and it would be better for her to stop now.

 

She was cheated on and I was the first guy she had talked to in like a year and a half. Who knows what's true and what's not. She also works pretty much non-stop trying to get her life back on track (I guess the guy that cheated on her also had something to do with bankrupting her). I never knew her long enough to get all the details. Bottom line, she didn't want anything more for now, but left the door open for someday. Personally, I have no expectations, but we had a good time while it lasted and she seemed like good people, just a bit jaded from her past still and not ready for anything new. I thought there was no bad blood and we were genuine friends. Very amicable from my perspective. For the record, I did not want to end it, but I'm also not going to try to debate with someone on why I should be in their life I thought we could just slow down, but she said she doesn't trust herself to do that and she just isn't ready. Cool.

 

We ended on friendly terms and even would say hi to each other once and a while via social media. Her birthday was last week so I honestly thought nothing of sending her a Happy birthday message. We had just messaged each other at Thanksgiving and nothing had happened negatively in between.

 

Well, she didn't reply and it's made me wonder if we should even be on social media together. Is remaining on social media, even in a limbo state (not liking, not messaging, not following, etc.), sort of a round about way of breaking no contact? I mean, all the person has to do is check out your profile and they know pretty much what is going on in your life. Whereas if you are off each other's social media, there is a chance for both parties to miss one another.

 

On one hand, if someone breaks up with you, why is there this unwritten rule that they get to stay on your social media? They are saying they don't value having you in their life and since social media is an extension of most people's lives these days, its like this one part of your life, they are still allowed to have a foot in. It's often said if you block them, it's because your weak. But if we think about it from the real life perspective, when they dumped you, didn't they block you from their life? So, what's the difference?

 

On the other hand, if you delete them, its sort of come to symbolize that any hope of reconciliation is completely dead.

 

At the end of the day, I guess there is no one size fits all answer. In addition to everyone's general thoughts, I am just wondering has anyone broken up and removed their ex from social media, and then gotten back together? Did them removing you from social media, make you want to reconcile more because you couldn't have any part of them in your life, i.e. full actualization of "no contact." Or did it make you want them less, that they symbolically killed any possible hope of reconciliation?

Edited December 19, 2018 by TheFinalWord

[olivetree]

Let's just say this... if I broke up with a guy and I really wanted him back, whether or not he deleted me on social media would not stand in my way.

Nor would it bother me if he did delete me - I'd deserve it!

[TheFinalWord]

Let's just say this... if I broke up with a guy and I really wanted him back, whether or not he deleted me on social media would not stand in my way.

 

 

Me either. And that's the thing, as long as you are on each other's social media, can you really implement "no contact?"

 

 

 

I guess my only thing is, let's say, in like a year, you check out your exes social media and think "wow, I made a mistake"...which could happen. Otherwise, if you don't really run in the same social circles, you would never really run into them again or think about them in daily life. There would have to be a really strong relationship that broke up to miss someone at that point. Whereas if you leave them on social media, they may contact you years later (I've had exes do this), hoping to re-kindle. I mean a lot of stars would have to align, but stranger things have happened.

[ChatroomHero]

Your relationship is such that you wish her a happy birthday and she doesn't even think enough of you to spend 3 seconds responding. All that bad dating history, things she is going through, things she went through, doesn't really justify not having 3 seconds to reply thank you.

 

 

Put yourself in her place...if she texted you happy birthday, how hard would it be to not respond to her text? It would take more effort for me to not respond in that situation thank to even respond, "Thanks!".

 

 

I'd probably drop her if you are interested. Chances are her not being ready, bla, bla, bla.. means she is working on another guy and that is why she didn't care much to respond.

[olivetree]

I guess my only thing is, let's say, in like a year, you check out your exes social media and think "wow, I made a mistake"...which could happen. Otherwise, if you don't really run in the same social circles, you would never really run into them again or think about them in daily life. There would have to be a really strong relationship that broke up to miss someone at that point. Whereas if you leave them on social media, they may contact you years later (I've had exes do this), hoping to re-kindle. I mean a lot of stars would have to align, but stranger things have happened.

 

If you dated briefly, the odds that she will want to get back together whether you're on social media or not are pretty low.

 

The social media piece really doesn't matter... unless what you do on social media is a huge turn off / turn on.

 

In my own experience, I've reconnected with guys on social media that I had a past with (we dated briefly or were friends before).

But I wasn't into them enough when I first met them and I wasn't into them enough down the line for it to make a difference other than being friends.

 

So it goes back to... if she is super into you, she will find a way to contact you.

And you don't have to be friends on social media to do so.

 

Make this about you.

If you find it easier to move on without being friends on social media, do that for yourself.

[littleblackheart]

She's not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship, she doesn't want to give you false hope or entertain a grey area where neither of you would know for sure where to stand but deleting you may seem over the top to her if you parted very amicably - I think this is where she stands on not deleting you yet not replying to your HB message.

 

I'm not a huge social media user (I have an FB account set on private that I use for 'proper' friends and family only) and I'm not entirely sure what the protocol is (or even if there is one) but I would personally delete the account, simply because that person is neither a friend nor family and I like my relationships to be well defined.

 

So it depends on how you use your social media - if you're not particularly affected by this, have no expectations, understand this is done and keep all sorts of people as your social media 'friends' then keep the status quo (and don't send her any more messages). If you like things to be clear and / or you have trouble keeping her out of your mind, then delete her.

 

It's all about your peace of mind.

[Veronica73]

Okay, I’m sure I’m much older than you, and social media plays a very small role in my life and my interactions with people.

 

But yes, I have blocked an ex from social media and yes, we did get back together (even though he still isn’t back on my social media).

 

None of my exes have ever blocked me from their social media, at least that I know of.

 

Basically, social media plays no role in my intimate relationships. At all. *shrug* But I’m old.

 

I will say... I know the whole “No Contact” thing is gospel around here. And I can see it in certain situations. Like if you can’t stop thinking about them. Or if they treated you like complete crap, then yeah...delete and block. But if it was just incompatibility or wrong timing or something... I don’t get the need to block.

[TheFinalWord]

She's not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship, she doesn't want to give you false hope or entertain a grey area where neither of you would know for sure where to stand but deleting you may seem over the top to her if you parted very amicably - I think this is where she stands on not deleting you yet not replying to your HB message.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

 

What made things a little more confusing, is she still views all of my social media stories, even though she stopped liking posts a few weeks ago. I don't think she knows that I can see that she viewed my stories. I actually stopped posting stories because it was sending me unintentional mixed signals.

[TheFinalWord]

Your relationship is such that you wish her a happy birthday and she doesn't even think enough of you to spend 3 seconds responding. All that bad dating history, things she is going through, things she went through, doesn't really justify not having 3 seconds to reply thank you.

 

 

Put yourself in her place...if she texted you happy birthday, how hard would it be to not respond to her text? It would take more effort for me to not respond in that situation thank to even respond, "Thanks!".

 

 

I'd probably drop her if you are interested. Chances are her not being ready, bla, bla, bla.. means she is working on another guy and that is why she didn't care much to respond.

 

 

Valid points. I don't think it's the amount of time necessarily. Before we parted ways, we literally texted thousands of times.

 

 

 

It's the signal that it sends. It's cool either way. I struggled whether to send happy birthday or not. We ended on good terms, so not saying happy birthday felt kind of jerkish. Heck, I say happy birthday to people at work that I don't even like lol But sending her happy birthday, also could be disrespecting her boundaries.

 

 

 

Arrr I hate social media.

[Veronica73]

Valid points. I don't think it's the amount of time necessarily. Before we parted ways, we literally texted thousands of times.

 

 

 

It's the signal that it sends. It's cool either way. I struggled whether to send happy birthday or not. We ended on good terms, so not saying happy birthday felt kind of jerkish. Heck, I say happy birthday to people at work that I don't even like lol But sending her happy birthday, also could be disrespecting her boundaries.

 

 

 

Arrr I hate social media.

 

I don’t think sending her happy birthday is disrespecting her boundaries, unless I’m missing something.

 

But next time you are tempted to initiate and reach out first... maybe refrain? Unless she gets back to you soon and thanks you for the birthday wishes and shows some interest in you and how you are doing.

[TheFinalWord]

I don’t think sending her happy birthday is disrespecting her boundaries, unless I’m missing something.

 

But next time you are tempted to initiate and reach out first... maybe refrain? Unless she gets back to you soon and thanks you for the birthday wishes and shows some interest in you and how you are doing.

 

 

Thanks. I'm in full no contact now. I feel if she isn't going to respond, she's kind of sending a non-verbal message that she doesn't want to hear from me. Like another poster said, a simple thanks would have taken all of three seconds and she lives on her phone like most women. I don't know as I don't know how else to interpret it. I wasn't sending with any ulterior motive. I know she doesn't want to go out. It was genuinely just to wish her a good birthday. Oh well, if she writes back or blocks me I'll update haha

[littleblackheart]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

 

What made things a little more confusing, is she still views all of my social media stories, even though she stopped liking posts a few weeks ago. I don't think she knows that I can see that she viewed my stories. I actually stopped posting stories because it was sending me unintentional mixed signals.

 

Maybe she views all stories as a force of habit? Maybe she's still a little curious about what you're up to? As you say, you parted in good terms so there is no reason (for her) not to check up on you now and then.

 

This still is a fairly passive thing to do, though; concretely, she's detached herself by actively telling you, by not 'liking' your stories and by not replying to your message. That shows fairly clearly, in terms of her actions, that she is moving on.

 

That said, there's nothing wrong with giving it a little more time. Resume your social media as you normally would without giving her much thought (don't ban yourself because of what she may or may not do) and see if she ends up reaching out after a while.

 

As long as you don't expect anything from her, and that you show her as much by respecting her boundaries, there shouldn't be any issues. Time will take care of the rest, as they say

[TheFinalWord]

Maybe she views all stories as a force of habit? Maybe she's still a little curious about what you're up to? As you say, you parted in good terms so there is no reason (for her) not to check up on you now and then.

 

This still is a fairly passive thing to do, though; concretely, she's detached herself by actively telling you, by not 'liking' your stories and by not replying to your message. That shows fairly clearly, in terms of her actions, that she is moving on.

 

That said, there's nothing wrong with giving it a little more time. Resume your social media as you normally would without giving her much thought (don't ban yourself because of what she may or may not do) and see if she ends up reaching out after a while.

 

As long as you don't expect anything from her, and that you show her as much by respecting her boundaries, there shouldn't be any issues. Time will take care of the rest, as they say

 

Yeah, good points.

 

I guess selfishly too, some part of me wants to remove her so I can have some of the power. I feel up until this point in time, she's had all the power. Decided when things will end, decides when it's no longer okay to respond, and all the rest. Removing her would let me get to decide something lol Maybe that would actually make her want me more, in some twisted way bc I'm not letting her walk all over me. On the other hand, doing that makes me look like I have a temper and that what she does bothers me. And we all know we're not allowed to let anyone know that! lol

[snowboy91]

On one hand, if someone breaks up with you, why is there this unwritten rule that they get to stay on your social media? They are saying they don't value having you in their life and since social media is an extension of most people's lives these days, its like this one part of your life, they are still allowed to have a foot in. It's often said if you block them, it's because your weak. But if we think about it from the real life perspective, when they dumped you, didn't they block you from their life? So, what's the difference?

 

On the other hand, if you delete them, its sort of come to symbolize that any hope of reconciliation is completely dead.

 

If you ended on good terms, then I don't see why you would want to disrupt that by deleting them off social media entirely. I don't think that a breakup necessarily means someone doesn't value having you in their life, I think it's more that they just aren't the right fit as a life partner for whatever reason. You might still care about each other even though the love has faded, so keeping them on social media is a way to keep in touch without necessarily being too direct about it.

 

All that being said, if keeping her there is causing you to build false hope and have you looking for any chance of getting back together, then you still have some healing to do. Block... but don't necessarily delete unless you know you don't want that person in your life at all.

[nolanola]

I think this comes down to whether you can carry on with your life and move forward without spending time and emotional energy wondering what she is doing and why. If you feel like you're going to ruminate on why she is viewing your stories or liking things, then it would probably be best to block or delete her for now. It is very human to wonder about the other person and why they do the things that they do. I totally get why you would be sitting wondering. And, for the record, she is obviously curious about you as well if she is looking at your stories. BUT, these human impulses just keep you stuck.

 

I say do what you need to do to feel better. If it's deleting, then delete. Don't worry about what she might think or if you'll get back together. You can't control that and I don't think whether or not you like each other's posts on Facebook will play a big part in that. Try to let her go to work on what she needs to work on.

[Blanco]

I would probably delete her. Here's why: You say you don't have expectations, but c'mon, you have some expectations. You're on here talking about it, after all. And that's totally normal. I can relate to playing the "it's whatever" facade while deep down knowing that I do care what happens.

 

If you guys didn't have a bad falling out, I would probably interpret a lack of any response to your birthday message as her being uninterested. What I mean by that is if she was second-guessing her decision or was feeling any lingering romantic feelings toward you, she probably would've given a response of some kind. Your mileage will vary, but if I've not responded to a message like that, it's usually been because, awful as it sounds, it just wasn't that important to me. I've never not responded to someone I had any romantic feelings for (unless I was upset with them or something).

 

You need to be honest with yourself how it's going to make you feel if you log into your account one day and you see her in a photo with another guy or something along those lines.

[rightondude]

on which site can you see where she viewed your stories? Snapchat?

[BC1980]

I'm sorry all of this happened, and, yes, social media makes it really hard. The ex that led me here never had social media, so I never had to worry about any of this. But I've seen social media cause havoc after a breakup. To answer one of your questions, I had someone reach out to me on social media 10 years later. We had an on again, off again relationship in college.

 

As to your situation now, if you knew that you'd never get back together with her, would you keep her as a friend on social media? The answer to that question gets at the heart of your motivation for keeping her on social media. I think you also have to ask yourself what price you're willing to pay to have her as a friend on social media? Is it worth false hope? Is it worth hurt feelings when she doesn't respond to a message?

[clia]

I would remove her (but not block). I don't know why you'd want to let someone who dumped you have a window into your life. If she has a change of heart and wants to get a hold of you, I'm sure she can figure out a way.

[TheFinalWord]

on which site can you see where she viewed your stories? Snapchat?

 

 

All of them do...FB, IG, SC

[TheFinalWord]

I would probably delete her. Here's why: You say you don't have expectations, but c'mon, you have some expectations. You're on here talking about it, after all. And that's totally normal. I can relate to playing the "it's whatever" facade while deep down knowing that I do care what happens.

 

If you guys didn't have a bad falling out, I would probably interpret a lack of any response to your birthday message as her being uninterested. What I mean by that is if she was second-guessing her decision or was feeling any lingering romantic feelings toward you, she probably would've given a response of some kind. Your mileage will vary, but if I've not responded to a message like that, it's usually been because, awful as it sounds, it just wasn't that important to me. I've never not responded to someone I had any romantic feelings for (unless I was upset with them or something).

 

You need to be honest with yourself how it's going to make you feel if you log into your account one day and you see her in a photo with another guy or something along those lines.

 

 

Expectations in terms of, I don't expect us to ever try again. But if the opportunity presented itself, I would consider it if the circumstances were right. In my mind nothing really happened, just bad timing. But I'm not going to contact her again. She'd have to reach out to me. If there is another guy in the picture, that would almost be better as her actions would make more sense. But I know there isn't. I wouldn't know either way, because I never go to her page.

[TheFinalWord]

I think this comes down to whether you can carry on with your life and move forward without spending time and emotional energy wondering what she is doing and why. If you feel like you're going to ruminate on why she is viewing your stories or liking things, then it would probably be best to block or delete her for now. It is very human to wonder about the other person and why they do the things that they do. I totally get why you would be sitting wondering. And, for the record, she is obviously curious about you as well if she is looking at your stories. BUT, these human impulses just keep you stuck.

 

I say do what you need to do to feel better. If it's deleting, then delete. Don't worry about what she might think or if you'll get back together. You can't control that and I don't think whether or not you like each other's posts on Facebook will play a big part in that. Try to let her go to work on what she needs to work on.

 

 

Great advice.

 

 

No, I'm not going to ruminate on it. The only way to work something out is to talk, and it seems she's not interested in that so I don't see how you could discuss even having a friendship. I thought we had discussed the friendship part, which is why I thought it was cool.

 

 

But one thing I am not going to do is keep writing and trying to get her to talk or find out why. I don't believe in trying to convince someone why they should want you. If it's not obvious, then it's their loss. Her trust was just shattered from her last relationship and I would rather not even try if she's not in the right frame of mind. It definitely won't work if she's still holding onto the past. If not talking to me is the best thing for her to clear her mind and heal emotionally that's fine. If some day she feels ready and if we're both single (I'm not waiting around lol), then cool. If not, then not.

[Giraffe-A]

I've made it a rule to not add potentials on FB and definitely not changing my status until I marry. Life is full of drama and stressors as it is. Most people I know add these new people, then break up with them, delete them and soon they re-add them. And it means nothing because not a single one of those instances have turned back to "In a Relationship" or "married."

 

I did have someone I dated...gosh, like 11 years ago? But he was a quick date, that had to go away for career reasons. Over a year ago, he said he still had a crush on me. I kinda already know it would not go anywhere for logistical reasons, but I met him either way to catch up. As predicted, nothing. We both smiled, agreed that it was just a silly crush and we continued as FB friends. Before this meeting, I thought his FB posts were open to the world, but after our meeting, I noticed that he now included me in the more intimate, personal posts. I was a friend on FB, but not a true friend he valued after that meeting.

[TheFinalWord]

I'm sorry all of this happened, and, yes, social media makes it really hard. The ex that led me here never had social media, so I never had to worry about any of this. But I've seen social media cause havoc after a breakup. To answer one of your questions, I had someone reach out to me on social media 10 years later. We had an on again, off again relationship in college.

 

As to your situation now, if you knew that you'd never get back together with her, would you keep her as a friend on social media? The answer to that question gets at the heart of your motivation for keeping her on social media. I think you also have to ask yourself what price you're willing to pay to have her as a friend on social media? Is it worth false hope? Is it worth hurt feelings when she doesn't respond to a message?

 

Good questions.

 

My motivation is just to leave the door open, but at the same time I'm not going to stop living if she never does. My other motivation is just to also be friends someday. We had a lot of fun together and I find the older I get the harder it is to find people you really get along with, especially of the opposite sex. But if I knew for 100% nothing was going to happen, then I'd probably just keep her on there. You're right about hurt feelings and not responding. But I don't even intend on writing her first again. What's funny is I can almost tell she went out of her way to thoroughly respond to all the random people on FB that said happy birthday to her, but didn't respond to me. In some weird way, I think she wants me to chase her, but it isn't going to happen lol I'm talking to another woman now so I'm definitely not putting my life on hold for her. She doesn't post much, but she is on FB a lot. But I would not really get much from her FB in terms of what is going on in her life. I post frequently, but it's all positive things like career advancements, workout vids, pics with friends. If anything the stuff I post would show her my life is just fine without her.

[ShadeOfGreen]

I have a lot of empathy for what you are going through. I've had some bumps in relationships while on social media. Do I unfriend them or not? Do I delete shared posts or not? Will they be offended or not? All these unwritten rules and guessing at best practices. It can lead to some anxiety. How people approach it seems to be all over the place.

 

I know this maybe unrealistic for most people these days, but one of the best things I did was give up social media. I like not worrying about the number of likes I get, or if I should friend/unfriend someone. I found I enjoy my privacy. Life is just a little simpler.