MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Hi all, First post here so bear with me. I have been dating this great woman for about six months. Over the weekend we went to a party at the home of a mutual friend who also happens to be friends with my ex, who I stopped dating about six months before I started my current relationship. The issue is that my ex showed up and I can't stop thinking about her since. I haven't seen her in six months and four days later she's still all I am thinking about. This is after she went out of her way to *not* speak to me or my current GF at the party and in fact turned her back to both of us the entire night and didn't even look at us after coming in. This was in a room of only about 12 people, so it was quite obvious. Still, she showed up looking amazing in a short black dress and heels and I stole a number of glances in her direction and couldn't stop thinking about her all night. I really like the woman I am dating and I wish I could just forget my ex and stop thinking about her but I just can't. We dated for about a year, haven't spoken at all since and I just can't get my mind off of her. My current GF could tell that I was distracted and we left the party early. I tried to play it off as I didn't care, but as time goes on I feel like it's obvious I do. I just wish I didn't. Not sure what to do.
kendahke Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Not sure what to do. End things with the new woman. She already knows you're not over your ex. Still, she showed up looking amazing in a short black dress and heels and I stole a number of glances in her direction and couldn't stop thinking about her all night. Your ex wore that and looked that way especially because she knows how to play you and boy! did she play you that night. It's the oldest trick in the ex book. If she knew you weren't going to be there, she'd have worn something differently, if she even came out at all. She wanted to make sure you knew what you walked away from (or what she walked away from) But the real question here is: who walked away from your relationship and why? Because unless you or her have been to individual therapy to address what broke you two up, that reason is still alive and breathing and will be back on both of your heads if you weaken and go back to her. Ex's are ex's for a reason. Remember what it is.
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Why did you two break up? I basically dumped her because I felt that the relationship was uneven - she didn't put in the same time and effort as me and seemed disengaged for stretches of time. I was tired of feeling like a back burner option.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 Dude, exes ALWAYS look good the first time we see them after breaking up. That's just the brain doing its thing (doubting) ... and as someone said, your ex probably knew you were coming, knew what kinda outfit you found hot, went and got her hair done and all that ... so that she could rock her looks at the party. Try this: don't resist the thinking about your ex ... sorta like a blush. The more you resist (thinking someone is wrong to think about ex) the more you'll add "kink" to thinking about her, the more tempting it becomes to think about her. Remind yourself, even write out in a journal or a text note to yourself, all the reasons you broke up ... all the stuff she did that you didn't like, that got on your nerves, that left you miserable. You need to get your thinking brain into the act to calm down that envy brain that is at the controls right now. Writing out reasons you dumped her will engage that critical brain and take the controls back from the envy brain. Just thinking about her only leaves the envy in control. 3
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Dude, exes ALWAYS look good the first time we see them after breaking up. That's just the brain doing its thing (doubting) ... and as someone said, your ex probably knew you were coming, knew what kinda outfit you found hot, went and got her hair done and all that ... so that she could rock her looks at the party. Try this: don't resist the thinking about your ex ... sorta like a blush. The more you resist (thinking someone is wrong to think about ex) the more you'll add "kink" to thinking about her, the more tempting it becomes to think about her. Remind yourself, even write out in a journal or a text note to yourself, all the reasons you broke up ... all the stuff she did that you didn't like, that got on your nerves, that left you miserable. You need to get your thinking brain into the act to calm down that envy brain that is at the controls right now. Writing out reasons you dumped her will engage that critical brain and take the controls back from the envy brain. Just thinking about her only leaves the envy in control. Well, this was the second or third time I've seen her since we broke up. But she's looked amazing every time. This is just the first time we've been in such a small space together so it was impossible to ignore each other's presence, although she seem to try damn hard to do so. I guess what worries me is that I haven't really had so much is a conversation with her in a year and I still can't seem to get her off my mind. That doesn't seem right. Plus, I've been with this new woman for six months and really really really like her. She just doesn't drive me crazy and occupy my brain like the other one.
rightondude Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 picture yourself during the worst times with your ex. Do you want to ever be back there again? If you think you'd be OK with that, sure, hit her up and tell her she looked amazing. That might spark something. 1
kendahke Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 (edited) I've been with this new woman for six months and really really really like her. She just doesn't drive me crazy and occupy my brain like the other one. You don't like her ENOUGH to be indifferent about your ex and that is unfair to this young lady. It's also not her fault that you haven't processed the dead relationship out of your system. What's clear to me is that you're using this new woman as a distraction to the work that should have been done and sorted long before now. Completely unfair of you. You're not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship. All you're going to do is end up hurting her unnecessarily because selfish... Edited December 20, 2018 by kendahke 1
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 picture yourself during the worst times with your ex. Do you want to ever be back there again? If you think you'd be OK with that, sure, hit her up and tell her she looked amazing. That might spark something. No, I don't want to be back there. And if she even were to contact me, I'd have very little interest in even responding. I don't want to be with her, but her presence still sparked something in me that I didn't even know was still there. There's zero chance of me hitting her up.
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 You don't like her ENOUGH to be indifferent about your ex and that is unfair to this young lady. It's also not her fault that you haven't processed the dead relationship out of your system. What's clear to me is that you're using this new woman as a distraction to the work that should have been done and sorted long before now. Completely unfair of you. You're not emotionally ready to be in a new relationship. All you're going to do is end up hurting her unnecessarily because selfish... This isn't something I planned, or quite honestly even knew was there. I spent six months following the relationship in therapy, journaling, being by myself, trying to get the old relationship out of my system. I honestly had no reason to think that I wasn't over her … until I saw her. It's not as if I've been sitting up nights for the past year pining over the old relationship. I've been fully invested in the current one, until this past week when the past kind of reared its ugly head again. I wouldn't call my current relationship a distraction at all. I would say that what worries me is I'll never be completely over this woman, if I did all that work and waited all this time and she still has that effect on me, that's worrisome. I'm not consumed by it, but this is the first time in my life (*I'm 44) that I've had something like this happen and I'm not sure what to do.
Sunfire73 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 You have to avoid everything that reminds you of your ex. Places, social media, etc. Block her. If you have decided to dump her, then she is part of your past. You cannot force to forget your past even if your decision is final, but you can avoid anything to remind you of your past. Give your new date a chance for a better relationship, then you will completely get over your ex. 1
olivetree Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 It sounds like a forced dump situation. You didn't really want to break up with her - you in fact wanted more from her but she wouldn't give it to you. So even though you broke up with her, it was still a case of wanting what you couldn't really have. So you're still wanting what you can't really have. Who cares how she looks - she is withholding and cold. Concentrate on your new relationship and how much more fulfilling it is for you. 1
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 You have to avoid everything that reminds you of your ex. Places, social media, etc. Block her. If you have decided to dump her, then she is part of your past. You cannot force to forget your past even if your decision is final, but you can avoid anything to remind you of your past. Give your new date a chance for a better relationship, then you will completely get over your ex. I've basically done this, but you're right. There are two places in particular we used to frequent that I have avoided since - both of which have been hard because they are in my neighborhood and owned by friends of mine. But I've stayed away. I've blocked on social media, too, even though she was upset with me when I did (a year ago). Since then, my only encounters with her have been accidental and twice because she and I have a mutual friend who is very close with both of us. Both of the encounters have been at the home of our mutual friend, one at a big event the other (last week) at a small gathering. So I'm trying. I live in a small neighborhood in a pretty small town so there's often a good chance of seeing each other. The fact that we've managed to only see each other three times in a year is actually a testament to how hard I've tried NOT to see her. Also, the new woman isn't really "new" either - we've been together six months. This was the first time in that time that I really even questioned my feelings for her at all.
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 It sounds like a forced dump situation. You didn't really want to break up with her - you in fact wanted more from her but she wouldn't give it to you. So even though you broke up with her, it was still a case of wanting what you couldn't really have. So you're still wanting what you can't really have. Who cares how she looks - she is withholding and cold. Concentrate on your new relationship and how much more fulfilling it is for you. That is true - I didn't want to dump her. I did it because I felt like I had taken the relationship as far as she was willing to let it go and it wasn't enough for me. That's true. There's a part of me that still wants her, but I have no explanation for why. She's done nothing to deserve it, other than showing up and looking hot. Anyone can do that, there are a billion beautiful women in the world. Why this one? You're right about the final point, too. She is withholding and cold. She refused to even make eye contact with me or my new girlfriend. She pretended like we didn't exist, which made me feel really sad.
preraph Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 Look, the only thing you seem to like about the ex is she's hot looking. She's not even talking to you. You weren't happy with her except for her looks. Don't throw away something because you are still attracted to the way she looks. It wasn't for you. She came dressed like that hoping to meet someone that isn't you.
olivetree Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 There's a part of me that still wants her, but I have no explanation for why. She's done nothing to deserve it, other than showing up and looking hot. Anyone can do that, there are a billion beautiful women in the world. Why this one? Because you want what you can't have - what you've never really had.
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Look, the only thing you seem to like about the ex is she's hot looking. She's not even talking to you. You weren't happy with her except for her looks. Don't throw away something because you are still attracted to the way she looks. It wasn't for you. She came dressed like that hoping to meet someone that isn't you. That's partly true, yes. She was beautiful. But we were also extremely compatible and had great times together. She just didn't want it to go the next step from relationship to "settling down" etc. So, yeah, I am still attracted to her, but not just to her looks. I admit I miss her whole package. She was smart, funny, emotionally intelligent, etc.
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Because you want what you can't have - what you've never really had. True. There is a part of me that wants her because I can't have her. However I've broken up with plenty of beautiful women before and never had this kind of feeling when we reconnected, where they were still on my mind after a *year* apart. I can't figure what's different about this one.
Gretchen12 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 You left your ex because your feelings were not reciprocated. You didn't leave because you lost feelings. So of course the feelings are still there. 1
preraph Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 Well, if she didn't want to move to commitment, then she's not the right one for you. She wasn't serious about you. I might eat my words if she's real young, like 22 or something, because no one wants to be settled down yet, but she wouldn't have just hit the brakes if she felt she was really into you.
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 You left your ex because your feelings were not reciprocated. You didn't leave because you lost feelings. So of course the feelings are still there. That's a good point. She never really did anything god-awful to me, but I suppose if she had it would be a lot harder for me to just be done with her completely. I just thought by now- a year down the line since our last "date" - the feelings wouldn't be coming back so strong just from one brief encounter. I admit part of the reason I'm still thinking about the incident last week is the way she acted. She sat with her back to me and my GF and pretended we weren't there. Never said one word to either of us and never really gave us the chance to say anything to her. Kinda strange, I thought.
olivetree Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 I admit part of the reason I'm still thinking about the incident last week is the way she acted. She sat with her back to me and my GF and pretended we weren't there. Never said one word to either of us and never really gave us the chance to say anything to her. Kinda strange, I thought. I'm surprised that was alluring to you. Isn't it just more of the same - cold and distant?
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 (edited) This is what I see....you both didn't want to end the relationship...yes that's right. She dressed to kill you because she is butt hurt you ended it. She's rubbing it in your face and causing crap with you GF. Your ex KNOWS her sexy appearance smashed your brain. Her back to you made you feel rejected, just like how her coldness in the relationship did..and you struggled with that. Nothing else mattered at the moment when she did that. The issue is, you want answers. Why did she treat you so bad in the relaitonship, why does she treat you so bad still, etc You never got closure. Go back to therapy and work it out. Edited December 20, 2018 by smackie9
Author MrMelvinJUdall Posted December 21, 2018 Author Posted December 21, 2018 I'm surprised that was alluring to you. Isn't it just more of the same - cold and distant? Not necessarily alluring, but hard to forget. It made an impression on me in a way that simply showing up, saying hello and then leaving us alone would not have done. There was a message in her turning her back on us. That's the reason it was hard to ignore or forget.
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