SunshineGirl76 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 I met this guy online in early October. He has been divorced for about four years. I’ve been divorced a little less than a year (just background info). Our first two dates were fine in my opinion, but I wasn’t 100% sure about how attracted I was to him. He seemed like a nice guy. He, on the other hand, was really into me. He sent me a text the night of our first date telling me he had a great time and wanted to see me again. He sent me texts throughout the week just saying hi. I decided to give it another go with a third date. However, he seemed lukewarm at this point. He’d say he was having a crazy week and let’s try for next. Eventually we had a third date and it was so different for me. I really had fun with him and started to become more attracted to him. He seemed into me too we kissed. The whole week after he was texting me while he was out of town. I mentioned a concert the following week and he asked me to go and bought the tickets. When he got back into town he suddenly got distant. Wasn’t texting me. When I text it took him a few hours or even the next day to reply. We went on our fourth date to the concert and I thought it went great. He held my hand, we laughed, etc. we got to my house at midnight and I asked him if he wanted to come in. He said yes. We talked for an hour and then he said he had to go. We made out for awhile and he pulled back and said he likes to take things slower than other men. Then he continued to make out with me. When he got home he sent me a text that said it was hard leaving because I’m so hot and sexy but he’s sure we’ll have opportunities in the future. After that, he was distant again. No texts and slow replies. I asked him what was up. He told me he’s fairly new to online dating. He’s looking for a long term relationship. And, he met another woman online about the same time he started dating me. He’s getting to know both of us and it is just the two of us. He said he realizes he needs to decide soon but wanted to be honest. I told him I appreciated it and didn’t expect exclusivity at this point. I wanted to get to know him too. He seemed relieved I felt the same way. But after that conversation, he continued to be distant. I actually made the effort to ask if he wanted to go out again. He made excuses about being busy at work. I told him that I thought he was trying to get to know me and someone else, but I felt he was no longer interested in getting to know me. He said he has been struggling with his feelings the last few weeks and feels he needs to focus on one relationship at a time. He said he thinks I’m awesome and there’s a match between us but our timing is just wrong. He had the nerve to say “If this doesn’t work out for me then maybe our timing could be better another time.” I told him I understood and was nice about it. But I have noticed that he has been active on the online dating app. So if he is seeing another woman, looks like he is still keeping his options open. Three days later he sends me a text about an upcoming concert and said he thought I’d be interested in it...but he didn’t ask me out. But then he mentioned grabbing a beer together as friends. I said I’m free this weekend. He said he can’t Friday but maybe Saturday. Saturday rolls around and he doesn’t contact me til 5 pm. He proceeds to tell me he had to go into the office “but I’ll be home soon.” So I ask if that means we are meeting up. He says “I’m exhausted. I’m not sure I’ll be able to rally tonight.” Then two hours later, another text that’s says “OMG. I’m falling asleep on the couch. Rain check.” I replied with “All good. Happy holidays.” I hear from him two days later apologizing for Saturday and then he says “If we don’t end up grabbing a beer before Christmas let’s definitely meet up in the New Year!” But he didn’t actually ask about my availability. WTF. Ok...he’s just not that into me? He’s keeping me as a bench warmer? I thought he was a nice guy. And yes, I know I only had four dates with him and wasn’t that interested at first, but I really did start to like him so I’m feeling down about all this.
ChatroomHero Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Honestly that is the MO of every single girl a guy dates and is not interested but doesn't hate him. He put you in the friend zone. Low to no interest, doesn't dislike you as a person but feels guilty about rejecting you and wants to soften the blow by showing interest, but not really having interest. They make plans so you don't feel rejected but know they will cancel plans with a last minute BS reason because they don't consider you much otherwise. Forget him, block him and move on. Some people don't understand how crappy it is to someone else that is interested in them when they blow them off 10 times, ignore them, show no interest, then pop back up randomly like they are interested. They expect you to get the hint they blew you off 10 times but not think that they still contact you because they have interest.
RideTheLightening Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 He is attracted to you, but you are failing to get him to emotionally invest in you. The situation can be salvaged, but it’s harder with other women involved. You can either do a better job of catching his interest, or admit the other woman is better and throw in the towel. I mean this guy is being 100% honest and honorable... few other men would do that today.
frankspeci Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Honestly that is the MO of every single girl a guy dates and is not interested but doesn't hate him. He put you in the friend zone. Low to no interest, doesn't dislike you as a person but feels guilty about rejecting you and wants to soften the blow by showing interest, but not really having interest. They make plans so you don't feel rejected but know they will cancel plans with a last minute BS reason because they don't consider you much otherwise. Forget him, block him and move on. Some people don't understand how crappy it is to someone else that is interested in them when they blow them off 10 times, ignore them, show no interest, then pop back up randomly like they are interested. They expect you to get the hint they blew you off 10 times but not think that they still contact you because they have interest. I dont consider that the friendzone. I consider what the OP described as more of a "low interest" zone. Friendzone in my experience still involves regular communication and regular outings, but theres no sexual relationship. OP I think this guys is keeping you at arms length. Doesnt want to get too involved maybe because theres someone else hes more interested in, or his feelings in general arent that strong. If I were you I'd fall back at this point and pursue other options and occupations. You could drop off entirely or not, either way, you deserve peace of mind. I dont think you're his priority at the moment.
jess060191 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Sounds like he is keeping you on the back burner just in case he and this other gal don't work out... 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Forget this man, OP. He's a lot more into this other woman he is dating, and he has made it clear that if he sees you again, it will be "as friends." He has also more or less insinuated that you could be Plan B if this thing he's got with her doesn't pan out. You should exit stage left. His interest level just isn't there. 2
Author SunshineGirl76 Posted December 19, 2018 Author Posted December 19, 2018 RidetheLightning - How do I salvage this and catch his interest? I don’t want to reach out to him again. I feel like that’s chasing him.
Saracena Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Forget this man, OP. He's a lot more into this other woman he is dating, and he has made it clear that if he sees you again, it will be "as friends." He has also more or less insinuated that you could be Plan B if this thing he's got with her doesn't pan out. You should exit stage left. His interest level just isn't there. This exactly. Not a lot you can do OP except walk away. I'd certainly stop all contact with him. At any rate even if he escalates from now on which is very doubtful, do you want to be someone's second choice? He sounds way more into this other woman. Sorry....
kendahke Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 He's got you benchwarming. If you want to stick around while he plows through other women... 1
smackie9 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 But he is a nice guy....he made sure he didn't sleep with you as to not take advantage, and he was up front about dating this other woman. He could have slept with you, told you nothing and ghosted on you.....but he didn't. It's dating, and this is what is going to happen. IMO you should have dropped him as soon as you found out he was tossed between you and this other woman. Just say no to him, and wish him well. Block/delete. 2
elaine567 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 I guess at the third date he got interested in the new woman, nothing much was happening so he got the concert tickets, and kept texting you whilst he was out of town. The night of the concert he was probably already sleeping with her, or he knew it was on the cards so he turned you down. He went distant as your chances receded, but he wanted to keep you on the back burner. Now apparently he has scored you off the list whilst he is still on the hunt...
Beachead Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 (edited) Hey Op, I'm sorry for how this guy is making you feel. I know how it feels, believe me. Unfortunately a lot of people out there in the world line many potential partners up when they are figuring out what it is they are looking for in a new partner. You are an option to him at this point. He was honest about this and what was going on which is fine for him but it doesn't make you or someone in your position feel good, because its disrespectful to treat someone like this. People are not a pair of shoes to be worn at the right occasion. You can't just shove them back into a closet and forget them for a few months. They have feelings. Their life goes on. Unfortunately, that is how the game is which is particularly why I stopped dating and looking for a partner. I became disgusted with it. There is nothing you can do at this point to catch his interest. He backed off solely because the other woman he was seeing was more in tune with what he was looking for. If you push him by trying to get his attention, he'll distance even more. What you need to do is back off completely and return your focus to you, or else his behaviour will damage you more and more and it will bleed into other aspects of your life. It will also affect your state of mind and you will not be able to give your best to someone new. Get back to find your inner balance. Get back to finding your smile without this man. Continue to talk to new people. If you feel a bit depleted, take a break from the dating scene. With some time and some space, you'll heal up and feel better and will pull him off the pedestal which you have begun to put him on. He doesn't deserve that pedestal. You don't have to cut him out but do stop pursuing. If he comes back in a few weeks or months, see how you feel then and proceed based on that. Best of luck to you. Stay strong - Beach Edited December 19, 2018 by Beachead 1
Veronica73 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 I know it sucks and it doesn’t feel good, but he’s just not that interested. Try not to dwell on it. It’s disappointing but that’s how it works. And if you do decide to go out for drinks with him as friends, do it because you actually do want to be friends and you think he actually wants to be friends as well, not because you think he is going to change his mind, or start treating you better. You don’t want to be his backup girl that he spends time with when he’s in between the girls he really wants to be with. That’s just demoralizing. 2
Kelliousme Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 He may still be a nice guy, just he's not that into you. At least he's honest with you and told you he's also talking to another girl. It seems to be the norm nowadays that people can just date multiple people until they become "exclusive". I def prefer the old school way.. one person at a time. I suggest you to just walk away. You guys clearly are at different interest levels. If you do want to stick with this guy and see if things will work out, you should also date other guys at the same time don't keep your hopes high though.. 1
olivetree Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 How do I salvage this and catch his interest? I don’t want to reach out to him again. I feel like that’s chasing him. This mentality in and of itself is chasing him. You need to value yourself more than to think this way. Go find a man that is into you just as you are. That is consistent and doesn't blow hot and cold. This guy is just not that into you. 1
BC1980 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 This is typical if you are using online dating. I couldn't see two people at a time, but some people can. You just have to be aware that this kind of stuff is normal with online dating. He's basically keeping you as a backup if the other woman doesn't work out. It just leads to hurt feelings IMO.
Gretchen12 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 My guess is he has been doing this for about 4 years. See the bigger picture. You and the other woman are not the first ones nor will you be the last. He is a chronic online dater. These people can do it for 10, 20 years no problem. Almost like a hobby, never go dateless on a weekend, and there will always be "new blood" getting online so no worries about running out of women.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 Sounds like he is keeping you on the back burner just in case he and this other gal don't work out... Yep this rings true for people who act this way.
Giraffe-A Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 This is terrible. He's not keeping you as a bench warmer. You're remaining there yourself. The minute he said he was dating someone else and keeping his options open, you should have wished him luck in his search. You may not know what you are looking for (which you should) but you can agree that an option is not what you want to be. There are other women that say things like, "hey, that's cool. We are not exclusive and until then, I am keeping my options open as well." Those are women that don't go after the guy and are not afraid to turn the guy down either. Those are the women that get the guy. Online dating is a mess as it is. Assume they are all still dating and if you are not getting the attention you need, go to the next. Line them up! But seriously, cut this loser out of your life. 2
snowcones Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 I'm not convinced he's not a nice guy. I just think he either likes the other woman more than you (and she may be jerking him around, we don't know?) or he's fallen into the indecisive trap of multi-dating. This doesn't make him a jerk, just a victim of our society today. Personally, I don't like to be with men who are multi-dating and would axe him and keep looking for someone who's more like me. 1
elaine567 Posted December 21, 2018 Posted December 21, 2018 This is terrible. He's not keeping you as a bench warmer. You're remaining there yourself. The minute he said he was dating someone else and keeping his options open, you should have wished him luck in his search. Exactly. ........................
Lexxi Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 How old are you both? Are there kids involved? Sometimes kids can play a big factor. I’ve been seeing someone and we both have kids. But I’ve noticed a lot of distance when he has them. When they’re with the ex, he comes around so your guy could be preoccupied with things other than this woman.
Dodgersfan11 Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 Ahh....the classic "distant" behavior. When your date becomes distant its a telltale sign that someone else is in the picture and wanting to see where things go with the another person. Doesn't matter how hot you are or how great you thought the sex was, if someone is stiffing around your territory prepare to take a backseat. For me, distant is a time for a person to find someone else, no use waiting for them. 1
Zippy2000 Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 After that, he was distant again. No texts and slow replies. .[/ I don't think he`s that into you. His actions show this and if a man is into you he would make effort in getting you out on dates. Hes not frightened of losing you because he knows you`re keen on him. Hes keeping his option open and why would you want someone who sees you as the NEXT best option.
dispatch3d Posted December 22, 2018 Posted December 22, 2018 I've had girls do this to me a ton. It really sucks I would just move on from him....
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