thr1986 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 (edited) We’re both in our early 30’s. We met via a dating app. Neither of us drink or use drugs so we’re both have clear heads, no exaggerated emotions because of alcohol. We had a wonderful first date. We had something to eat, and walked around downtown Manhattan together talking. It was effortless and there was an obvious genuine attraction. We talked for hours, literally. We had a second date, a third date, a fourth date. All wonderful, genuine seeming interactions. On the 6th date we slept together. It was great, the sexual chemistry is just as good if not better than our emotional chemistry. We kept seeing one another a couple of times a week. Staying the night at one another’s apartments. She asked me if I would like to go away together for a weekend. I said yes. She initiated the logistics of the regarding reservations for where we were staying and we went, spent an entire weekend together. It was great. While we were on that trip (2.5 months into our relationship) she gave me something (a letter) she wrote for me. I read it sitting with her. It was a beautiful letter, all amazing things about how she feels my personality perfectly compliments hers and our chemistry is something she has never felt before, etc. very lovely romantic things. I actually cried when I read it, I was thinking the same things about her actually. We returned home on Sunday. On Monday evening we saw one another after work and we talked about the weekend of course. I was thinking that I feel like I am beginning to love her, or at least recognizing that I can love her. Honestly, I’m falling in love with her. I know it. I’m completely sure about it. While we were taking about our weekend on this Monday evening, she sort of sensed that I was feeling I was falling for her and she actually said “just say it”. I told her “I think I love you, im falling in love with you”. We had a amazing evening talking about what we like about one another. She constantly Ella me she adores me. But....yes, there is a BUT, she has been a little reluctant to say I love you since then. I don’t say it to her every time I see her. But, I was very open with her and extended myself by saying I love her and I truly think she wanted me to say it because I think she feels the same way. This happened about 2 weeks ago. She doesn’t seem totally comfortable saying it, which is completely ok with me because I do feel she feels it. She has brought up, twice now, the topic of “are we getting carried away? Is this too much too soon?” My response to her comments on that topic have been “this does seem like a lot very early and normally I would completely feel like it is a very fast pace but I genuinely feel like you’re special and I think you feel that way about me. I feel that we have at least expressed to one another that we feel we have the capacity to love one another.” I asked her if she wanted to slow down some, I told her it would not affect my feelings for her and I’m totally happy slowing down if that would make her feel more comfortable” she said she didn’t want to slow down because she feels it and she thinks we would just end up exactly back where we are now after a short time. I just want some advice on how to respectfully manage this. The feelings I have are genuine. I do think I love her and see long term potential with her. There’s an undeniable genuine connection. Do you think maybe she is just recognizing that it has only been a few months and that it seems really soon to have these feelings but at the same time she actually feels them? That's kind of how I feel she feels. Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
kendahke Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 My best bit of advice is to live mindfully and in the now. Do not live your future in the present. Take things one day at a time right now because she's sounding unsure of her feelings and you could end up hurt by her deciding that she's too afraid to move forward with you because of past relationship baggage that she's never felt it was important enough for her to sort and resolve for good until now. 1
Veronica73 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Personally, I’d keep behaving the same way you have been. But don’t have the serious discussions about “love”. And maybe tell her you love her a little bit less often, or let her initiate saying it. I mean, it sounds like she tells you she adores you. So that’s good. Plus some people don’t like to hear it toooo much. Because then they feel obligated to say it back. And it’s not neccessarily that they don’t feel it, but they want to say it in their own way on their own time. But I could be totally wrong. But that’s my 2 cents. 1
RecentChange Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 It can happen My husband and I said our "I love yous" after less than 3 months. That was over 18 years ago. Just keep enjoying each other and see where it goes. 1
Author thr1986 Posted December 19, 2018 Author Posted December 19, 2018 I agree with both of you. I haven’t said the words “I love you” to her really since that first time it came up because I feel like if I say it like that directly then if solicits a response and I’m not sure I’m going to get that response. So, I have t said it directly like that. She did say the other day something to the effect that she was “falling in love” to me during a conversation we were having not about us but just in general. That’s confusing probably to someone reading this but the point is that she validated that she’s falling in love so I think she feels it. I’m confident she does. I think she has some reservations based on a past relationship and she’s afraid of falling too hard and me hurting her. She dated someone previously that had a drug addiction problem and she didn’t know about it until around a year into the relationship. I absolutely have no problems with drugs. But, a friend of mine does have a bit of a drug problem. He’s a completely functional working professional, high achiever actually, but he abuses drugs recreationally. Maybe she’s worried about him and and my relationship and wonders if I do as well. I suspect this because she asked me directly actually if I used cocaine. I don’t. But my friend does. And we’ve discussed it. She made a comment about being afraid of falling and then finding out later that I used drugs. I assured her that I don’t and she was completely satisfied with that reassurance, but is she really? Should I bringing up again to reassure her? Also, I’m not sure why she would think that. I don’t use drugs and haven’t (to my knowledge) given her any reasons to feel that I do.
Veronica73 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 I would try not to worry about it too much right now. Maybe bring up the drug use AT MOST one more time just to reassure her. It’s only been 2.5 months and in that time frame it’s perfectly normal to be wary, especially if you’ve been burnt badly before. Be consistently open, honest, and reliable and over time she will probably see the differences between you and her ex. It’s not freak out time yet, lol! 1
kendahke Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 I assured her that I don’t and she was completely satisfied with that reassurance, but is she really? Should I bringing up again to reassure her? No--not unless she brings it up again. If she does, you know she's got a problem with your truthfulness (due to not having resolved her issues with her ex). Also, I’m not sure why she would think that. I don’t use drugs and haven’t (to my knowledge) given her any reasons to feel that I do. Most likely because she's had experience with her ex lying to her about his drug use--and he probably said "you can trust me" and she found out he wasn't trustworthy, so now she believes all men operate this way and until you prove her wrong (if she doesn't constantly move that goal post), this is how she truthfully esteems you. 1
Author thr1986 Posted December 19, 2018 Author Posted December 19, 2018 I feel a little bit of Pull Back on her end during the last couple of days. Less texting, less intimate messages, etc... how should i react to this to get back on track?
Lotsgoingon Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 You cannot reassure someone who has doubts. They need to reassure themselves or get out of the relationship. When you try to reassure someone, you unfortunately come so close to begging. And nothing repulses people faster than the scent of neediness. So she's pulled back this week ... in addition to refusing to speak the "l" word. You're not imagining this. Let's be real here. She didn't suddenly lose her phone number or develop stiff fingers. She didn't suddenly get a work project that has blocked her from contacting you. If you are hearing from her less than before, that is a deliberate, intentional choice on her part. For romance to work, both partners have to aggressively act to build the connection. One person cannot do 2/3 or 3/4 of the work, reassuring and bringing the other along. That doesn't work. In fact, the only way that imbalance works is the person in your position soon gets dumped. Unless and until she clearly reaches out towards you, you want to leave her alone. If she contacts you, no need to respond immediately. Don't propose anything if she's being distant. Stay in your own space. Go out with friends. Do something fun that doesn't require her. This is the only way to act with someone pulling away. In doing so, you'll be sending a message to her that you don't "need" her, and you'll be sending a message to yourself--that are worthy without her. And think of it this way: if things are as good as you say (no reason to doubt you) and she's walking away from that, then dude, this ain't the woman for you. 2
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Thank you for that advice I think it is good. We have plans to see one another this Friday. I stayed at her place last night. This morning, before I left her place to go home and change for work, she mentioned she was seeing a friend tonfiht after work but that she could maybe see me after (I didn’t ask to see her). I said ok. We haven’t texted today about seeing one another tonight. I don’t get why she threw that out there and then like doesn’t really say are you free tonight. We texted today about plans we have Friday but it seemed a little different. She didn’t send me anything about her thinking about me or me being on her mind, etc like she usually does.
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Me putting myself out there without an equal reaction makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. She gives a reaction enough to keep me going. but, she wont really look me in the eyes and say it. However, she really solicited me saying it in the first place when she said "just say it". i just feel weird. I really feel like I love her though. I havent had a connection like this in years, if ever. I dont know what to do. I'm worried if i dont do anything it will fizzle out but im worried about not knowing what i should do
Veronica73 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 I still think you should just continue what you have been doing, and try not to worry about it for a bit. I think you’re obsessing a little bit too much about it at this stage. It’s still very early. But don’t go overboard with reassurance or asking her out or getting worried if you don’t feel like she is reciprocating 100%. And also...I think people have different attachment styles. So while backing off may be the right thing to do with someone who has one attachment style, it might totally turn off somebody who has a different attachment style. People act like there is some sort of trick that works for everybody. I don’t think that is true.
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 everything seemed fine until yesterday. Last night i went over to see her. She brought up her anxiety about wondering if I could have a drug problem or something. I reassured her I didnt. She brought up the topic of "have we moved too fast" i said i didnt think so but we could slow down some if she wanted to. She said she didnt want to slow down. Its like im constantly reassuring her. I'm doing everything i can to try and keep her assured and content. Today her style of texting just seemed off. So much less intimate. nothing sweet like usual. I feel like maybe I should ask her if something is wrong. Is that a bad idea?
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 We have talked about and decided to be in an exclusive relationship with one another. It just seems weird the way shes acting. I am so terrible in relationships because I just want to love and i rarely get that feeling back. why is it so difficult to just find someone who wants good honest love back and forth. I seriously dont get it
Veronica73 Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 I don’t know...but it can be hard. Especially at the beginning when you have strong feelings but don’t have the history to neccesarily have a strong basis of trust. I think it can trigger a lot of insecurities.
MaleIntuition Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 What am I missing? Early November you where chasing/obsessing about another girl? https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/662202-i-texted-too-much-how-recover-9.html So, either you have been dating this girl since early october and you simply forgot about those amazing dates while you simultaneously where convinced about winding up alone. Or you have in fact only been dating this girl since early November (1,5 month?). 1
Morello Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 You're clearly going way too fast. It doesn't matter if she told you to 'say it', once you've open up your feelings all the mystery was gone and she's probably starting to lose attraction given she didn't even say I love you back. Which is normal, given you've been dating for such a short time. You're acting like the woman in the relationship and this will crash and burn really fast if you don't slow down and act a bit more confident around her.
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 You're clearly going way too fast. It doesn't matter if she told you to 'say it', once you've open up your feelings all the mystery was gone and she's probably starting to lose attraction given she didn't even say I love you back. Which is normal, given you've been dating for such a short time. You're acting like the woman in the relationship and this will crash and burn really fast if you don't slow down and act a bit more confident around her. Ok. She does say I love you actually but it’s only while we’re having sex. I haven’t said it again. You think I should just slow it down and let things happen as they happen?
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 She stayed at my place Sunday night. I left for work before her. She left me a note which I got when I got home from work. Her note said her heart was full and she was lucky to have me. She said that I was a wonderful man. Last night she texted me to come over and see her. I went. She left for work before me and gave me a key to lock her place when I left. So, in return I left her a note. In the note I said she was a beautiful woman, that she has all I have to give and that I feel lucky to be the man to tell her she is beautiful every day. I’m feeling like maybe I went too far with the note. What should I do?
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Am I too emotional of a man? Should I hold it in more?
kendahke Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 (edited) I am so terrible in relationships because I just want to love and i rarely get that feeling back. why is it so difficult to just find someone who wants good honest love back and forth. because everyone has a right to and are entitled to their preferences in who they want as a romantic partner. Edited December 20, 2018 by kendahke
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 In response to the note i left she said “you’re so sweet, so so sweet” I can’t tell if this is a compliment or if I’m just being too nice and too sweet to her. Should I pullback some?
kendahke Posted December 20, 2018 Posted December 20, 2018 In response to the note i left she said “you’re so sweet, so so sweet” I can’t tell if this is a compliment or if I’m just being too nice and too sweet to her. Should I pullback some? you should do what is most authentic to your own esteem. don't play games or try to manipulate or machine an outcome.
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Ok thank you. I get the impression from her she wants me to act as I am. And the way I’m acting is what comes naturally to me. But, I do sort of sense a decrease in affectionate outreaches from her. I guess it will fizzle out if I am doing something wrong or visa versa
Author thr1986 Posted December 20, 2018 Author Posted December 20, 2018 Also, the woman I’m talking about has been married and divorced once before, still has a friendship with her ex which I actually think is healthy. Also, is suffering from a somewhat (2 years ago) diagnosis with fertility issues. The fertility issues she brought up to me and I’ve accepted and assured her I’m ok with.
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