TAgate Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Hi, I started dating this guy two years ago and things were great (no fights, bickering, etc), however things quickly went downhill a few months ago when he found out that I got fired from a job early on during us meeting/hanging out and didn't tell him. Needless to say his trust in me is broken. At the moment we aren't together but we are planning to take it day by day. At the beginning of this situation he asked me to do this crazy hike with him to help gain a little trust (I'm not an outdoor person at all and he did it to see how far I'd go to get back with him). Then he also asked me to call his mom and explain what went down between us (which I did). Things were going great until this last week and a half. He lost his job so he's pretty stressed about that on top of other things. In addition to that I did a couple things where I shot myself in the foot so he wasn't too happy with me when we met up for dinner last night. I know things are crazy for him right now so I told him that I won't be texting him first and leaving the ball in his court. He says he does care about me and wants to take it day by day. Unfortunately he thinks it'll take awhile because the trust is broken. Besides time, is there anything I can do to regain his trust? I've already apologized and admitted my mistake in not telling him (I didn't tell him due to embarrassment and shame, NOT because I was scared he'd judge me). I'm at a loss on what to do.
Wallysbears Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 This doesn't make much sense. If you were just beginning to date and you weren't financially combined, why did he care if you didn't mention a job situation? Have you been unemployed and lying to him about that for years? I think I need more details to understand. And the call him Mom and explain? LOL. That's really immature. 2
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Apparently he thought you worked for company A, but you got fired from there and you got a new job at company B, but didn't tell him. He was in the dark about this for about 18 months... and now he doesn't trust you. . In addition to that I did a couple things where I shot myself in the foot so he wasn't too happy with me What else did you do?
olivetree Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) Putting you through a series of tests to build trust just seems weird. When trust has been broken due to lying, you build it back through spending time together and seeing if you're open and honest. That's about it... Edited December 18, 2018 by olivetree
Wallysbears Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Ok, I went back and read some past posts. You were dating him for 10 months, got fired, and then didn't mention getting fired and/or getting a new job? That is a BIG thing to hide. If it was when you were dating a few weeks or something, that's one thing. But to hide a change in employer from your significant other for a significant period of time is really hard to overcome.
Author TAgate Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 This doesn't make much sense. If you were just beginning to date and you weren't financially combined, why did he care if you didn't mention a job situation? Have you been unemployed and lying to him about that for years? I think I need more details to understand. And the call him Mom and explain? LOL. That's really immature. Exactly! We weren't official so I didn't feel the need to tell him. I actually ended up getting a new job within a month of getting fired so I wasn't unemployed and nor were my finances affected. I feel like he believes that if I could hide something like this, what else could I be hiding. He's forgiven me luckily but the trust is broken in his eyes.
Author TAgate Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) " . In addition to that I did a couple things where I shot myself in the foot so he wasn't too happy with me" What else did you do? There were two incidents - the first which I 100% take the blame for. The second incident I don't think I was in the wrong at all but he's making me feel that way. 1. Two weekends ago I went out with some girlfriends to some local bars. Prior to leaving my house I took my house key off my other keys and put it into my jacket pocket and zipped it up. At some point in the night I had lost my jacket (with the key) but didn't realize until AFTER I got home. At that point all the bars were closed and unfortunately I couldn't get my roommates to open the door since they were out of the country for a wedding. We do have a spare key on our patio however since I'm short I was unable to reach the top lock to open it up. I called him thinking he'd be able to help me out but he didn't answer. I put the phone down and tried to climb over our brick wall but was unable to. After a few minutes I gave up (and was in hysterics) and saw that he tried calling me back 6 times. I didn't call him back and instead called my friend who lived close by to see if I could crash at her place for the night. The next morning I apologized to him (forgot he was out of town and couldn't help anyways) and then he forgave me and things were back to being good. 2. Incident #2 happened this past Friday. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner to which I said I was unable to because of a work party so he told me "we'll figure it out" over the weekend. That night my friend who I'll call Heather calls me and tells me that she heard from HER baby daddy (he's my guy's best friend and former roommate) that my guy planned to cut me out of his life for good. I obviously was freaking out because it came from a source close to my guy. So I called him up asking if that was true and that he planned to end things at dinner (since he's done that with a different girl before). He says no and then proceeds to freak out on ME asking why I'd call him about "gossip". I explained to him that these last few weeks he's been pulling back and since I heard it from someone close to him I wasn't sure if it was true. He then goes onto say that I made things WORSE. He called me a liar and claimed that I was using them as a scapegoat. When I asked him WHY I'd randomly start drama and then throw others under the bus but he couldn't come up with an answer. Edited December 18, 2018 by TAgate
TheFinalWord Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) For incident 1, you should have just texted him instead of leaving him hanging all night. For incident 2, it sounds like you have some immature friends. Its concerning that you two can't talk about things without it turning into a fight every time. I think you guys need a serious break and once trust is broken, it's really hard to get it back. But right now, you are both acting overly paranoid. Side note: You need to show him you can be there to support him during the hard times, not add to it. I don't know your life, but that would be my advice. Actions speak louder than words. If you are there for him during his low time of unemployment, he will see you as someone he can rely on and you can rebuild his trust. If you just add stress to the situation (most men tie their identities to their jobs), he's going to want to end things. Edited December 18, 2018 by TheFinalWord
d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Your entire interaction seems sketchy & off to me. 10 months in you didn't tell him about a significant change. I get the shame aspect & when you got a new job so quickly I can see why there was no need to bring it up again. But when starting the new job, there should have been some type of excitement & I would think you'd share good news. It all seems odd that this huge part of your life was hidden from him so I can see where he would wonder, just how close to the vest you play things. I don't understand the two "tests" he gave you. How could you going hiking when you don't like hiking prepare you to be more open about what's goin on in your life? If you don't walk / share, taking some long walk in the woods is not going to increase your communication skills. If anything it would cause you to be more closed, & to keep your own counsel in solitude. As for you talking to his mother -- OMG just no! There are 2 people in your relationship -- you & him. His mommy has no place in there. If he wants to talk to her, fine but there is no reason for you, his GF, to discuss relationship issues with his parent. This request would make me question his maturity. I don't discuss my marriage with my husband's family & I'd be furious if my husband tried to discuss our marriage with my parents when they were still alive. You were wrong for not calling him back. The middle of the night phone call when he tried to call you back 6 times . . . in his shoes I would have panicked & thought you were dead. That type of a power play is just mean. The stuff about a potential break up . . .there is just too much tension & drama & not enough trust in your relationship. Where's the trust? Where's the happiness? In the absence of those as the foundations, maybe it is just time to let go. You "aren't together now" which means what? This on again off again dysfunctional cycle is a real problem. Get off the merry go round once & for all.
preraph Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 This relationship isn't working. There's more than just trust issues. This relationship isn't fun. It's one big obstacle course. Get with someone who just wants to relax, but do stop lying about things like losing a job. That's crazy. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 This relationship isn't working. There's more than just trust issues. This relationship isn't fun. It's one big obstacle course. Get with someone who just wants to relax, but do stop lying about things like losing a job. That's crazy. All of the above. You two are both at fault for this relationship crumbling, OP. You lied by omission about something rather significant, and he's making you go through silly and arbitrary "tests" and being quite punitive about all of it. My guess is that he doesn't have any real intention of reconciling, but is enjoying the little power trip he's on and keeping you just warm enough until he meets someone else.
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 So you lied once? or are you a habitual liar?
Author TAgate Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 My guess is that he doesn't have any real intention of reconciling, but is enjoying the little power trip he's on and keeping you just warm enough until he meets someone else. Actually this is EXACTLY what I brought up to him the other day. I told him if he wants to end things 100% and see other people then just let me know but he claims he wants to work things out. Right now I know he's super stressed with things going on in his life so I told him the ball is in his court and if he wants to reach out to me first, that's fine. But I won't be texting him first.
BaileyB Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 You two are both at fault for this relationship crumbling, OP. You lied by omission about something rather significant, and he's making you go through silly and arbitrary "tests" and being quite punitive about all of it. My guess is that he doesn't have any real intention of reconciling, but is enjoying the little power trip he's on and keeping you just warm enough until he meets someone else. This. What does he expect, that he can hold this over your head indefinitely, while asking you to do any number of things to "earn back his trust?" Just who exactly does he think he is? The whole thing seems ridiculous and immature to me. Seriously, asking you to do something you don't like to earn his trust back... He can just take a hike, in my humble opinion...
Author TAgate Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 So you lied once? or are you a habitual liar? This was literally the only thing I lied to him about which is why I don't get why he's reacting the way he's been.
smackie9 Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 This was literally the only thing I lied to him about which is why I don't get why he's reacting the way he's been. IMO he would rather punish you over and over. The carrot he is dangling in front of you is just to see you squirm, feel the pain, and control you. He's being unforgivable. What do you do? Don't play into his game. You shouldn't be groveling for forgiveness. You tell him you apologized, so lets move forward. Then back off and leave him alone....there is nothing more to discuss on this matter. Palm face him if he brings it up again.
d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Actually this is EXACTLY what I brought up to him the other day. I told him if he wants to end things 100% and see other people then just let me know but he claims he wants to work things out. Right now I know he's super stressed with things going on in his life so I told him the ball is in his court and if he wants to reach out to me first, that's fine. But I won't be texting him first. Another power play. Your guy found out you lied in the past, lost his job right before Christmas & you are putting additional relationship pressure on him instead of being supportive in the wake of his crisis. As you said, you are not together now. I don't think you should be ever again. You are not kind & nurturing to each other.
Author TAgate Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 Another power play. Your guy found out you lied in the past, lost his job right before Christmas & you are putting additional relationship pressure on him instead of being supportive in the wake of his crisis. As you said, you are not together now. I don't think you should be ever again. You are not kind & nurturing to each other. I actually have tried being supportive towards him with him losing his job (asking him how it's going, if he needs anything, etc) and instead he lashes out at me and calls me clingy. How can I continue to text him supportive messages if that's his reaction?
d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 You can't. In that sense I think Smackie9 is correct -- he's punishing you & that is no way to be
ExpatInItaly Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Actually this is EXACTLY what I brought up to him the other day. I told him if he wants to end things 100% and see other people then just let me know but he claims he wants to work things out. Right now I know he's super stressed with things going on in his life so I told him the ball is in his court and if he wants to reach out to me first, that's fine. But I won't be texting him first. Well, yeah, of course he would tell you this. He would first need to meet someone he's interested in, and when he does, I think he's going to cut you loose pretty fast.
olivetree Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 From the weird tests that have little to do with trust, to the way he responded to you when you asked him if he was planning to break up with you because your friend told you that, to how he calls you clingy when you are trying to be supportive.... Why on earth do you want to be with this guy? This relationship sounds really unhealthy.
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