My girlfriend doesn't trust me and I've done nothing wrong

[Garcon1986]

I think the only way to save this relationship is to stay as a couple with a regular therapist. She's got trust issues that she is honestly working on, but it's at a slow pace because that's as much as she can emotionally handle. That stuff that she is purposefully hiding from you is either abuse, sex assault, verbal abuse, a gaslighting boyfriend, or a mixture of these. You are not at fault for her previous failures.

 

However, you are going to need a real heart of gold and the dedication of Buddha to push through this. You will see much uglier sides of her psychology before things get better.

[lovenoobi]

I saw your reply to my opinion previously and her text that you've posted hasn't really change my thoughts of her...

 

You should be careful because I feel like she's really good with her words and like someone has already mentioned, she's making you feel really guilty and bad about this. Even her opening sentence "i know ALL you see are my flaws..." is not true (since you've already mentioned to us how sweet & caring she is) and is a way to make you feel a shame of yourself.

 

My recommendations would be:

a) talk to your mom? Seems like your GF already has and your mom knows both of you so she may be able to give a more informed opinion than us who's only hearing one side.

b) definitely need those psychological sessions to begin because talk is cheap and easy. If she attends at least it shows she is committed and really is doing something to change.

c) really reflect how much you're willing to endure through this. I can't remember but it seems like there was a bit of double standard going on (eg you can't talk to any female friends but you're fine with her and guy friends). Are you going to be fine with continuing that?

 

Good luck with it all.

[kendahke]

So this is a message she sent me after talking things over a little bit:

 

I know all you see is my flaws but I wish you could see how hard I'm trying. You see a girl who wants to go out and stay out all night with you because you think I'm "checking up on you" and I see a girl who im so proud of. I see a girl who was terrified of bars before I met you. I've never stayed out like that literally until I met you but I don't mind. I actually like it now because you make me feel safe. You see a girl who questions everything when i see a girl who wonders why you're even with me. there's alot about me you dont know because I dont want you to. Stuff I will keep to myself forever. I have been through stuff that no one should ever go through. I am so proud of what I've achieved since I've been with you. And I know im struggling. Believe me I know. But I am trying so hard. If only you knew. I used to wake up from nightmares screaming and crying. I dont have them anymore. I still have nightmares but they're not as bad. You make me feel safe and secure and I know you care about me. And I know that my insecurities and doubting is such a turn off but who i am right now and I'm constantly fighting it everyday. If I didnt trust you I would not be with you. I would have run away and have been long gone. You just need to give me time. I know we've been together for it seems like a while but I cant change over night. It's going to take a little bit. I talked to your mom about this and she made me feel better. It can sometimes take years. But please believe me that I am trying and I will never give up on myself.

 

 

This is a manipulative, calculating, unfair unloading of her issues onto you to own, sort and deal with to her satisfaction. I would be incensed at this.

 

She needs a psychiatrist more than she needs a boyfriend.

[Marc878]

Dating is a try out. You have enough info to clearly make a decision.

 

If you continue this its all on you.

 

You really want to be the white knight to ride in and save this damse?

 

You really need to wake up here.

[jas098]

I saw your reply to my opinion previously and her text that you've posted hasn't really change my thoughts of her...

 

You should be careful because I feel like she's really good with her words and like someone has already mentioned, she's making you feel really guilty and bad about this. Even her opening sentence "i know ALL you see are my flaws..." is not true (since you've already mentioned to us how sweet & caring she is) and is a way to make you feel a shame of yourself.

 

My recommendations would be:

a) talk to your mom? Seems like your GF already has and your mom knows both of you so she may be able to give a more informed opinion than us who's only hearing one side.

b) definitely need those psychological sessions to begin because talk is cheap and easy. If she attends at least it shows she is committed and really is doing something to change.

c) really reflect how much you're willing to endure through this. I can't remember but it seems like there was a bit of double standard going on (eg you can't talk to any female friends but you're fine with her and guy friends). Are you going to be fine with continuing that?

 

Good luck with it all.

 

I've talked to both of my parents. They definitely see the double standards and can see how stuff could eat away at me. But they are also the type to only look for the good in people. They dont tell me break up with her but they dont tell me stay with her. They love her but they know it's my decision to make if I can handle the relationship or not. Although they love her they also understand that they dont have to put up with what i put up with.

 

It's so hard to see this as manipulative to me. How she guilt trips me. Because i genuinely think she doesnt mean it but it's just how shes wired now.. but that doesnt mean I need to be the one to tolerate it. I guess what's making this harder is like what somebody else posted. It's a lose lose situation. If I break up with her I'll be the bad guy since she just needs help and if I stay with her I get treated unfairly.. but I definitely cant deal with this forever so I guess the choice is made.

[basil67]

You will undoubtedly be the bad guy in her eyes if you break up with her. But you need to remind yourself that her views are not reality. I doubt anyone here would see you as a bad guy for leaving her. I certainly wouldn't.

 

If you were my son and asked my advice, I would be telling you to move on before she drags you down.

[kendahke]

If I break up with her I'll be the bad guy since she just needs help and if I stay with her I get treated unfairly..

There is no good time to break up with someone who hasn't done any kind of real, consistent work on her issues before she got with you---and she expects for you to not only hang out, but to hang out with her keeping vital information from you--because she did say:

 

there's alot about me you dont know because I dont want you to. Stuff I will keep to myself forever.

She has an unfair advantage in this because she knows the reasons why she will do the things she does and she has no intention on letting you in on it. Therefore you will never know where the target is in order to vanquish it.

 

It's the textbook definition of manipulation.

 

Whether you do it Wednesday or March 1st (after xmas, nye and valentine's day), it's going to be unpleasant, but it will be the best gift you can give her.

 

 

If this is her way of thinking, then she needs to work out some kinks in her processes with a professional and that's going to take some time. This isn't a 3-visit coupon from Groupon kind of thing.

[jas098]

There is no good time to break up with someone who hasn't done any kind of real, consistent work on her issues before she got with you---and she expects for you to not only hang out, but to hang out with her keeping vital information from you--because she did say: theres a lot about me you dont know because I dont want you to. Stuff I will keep to myself forever.

 

I did bring up to her how that bothered me. She said it's just her past and she wants to forget, but she would tell me if I wanted to know. I never did ask because I'm leaning towards breaking up and prefer her not put herself in an uncomfortable place telling me then I end things.

[jas098]

Update:

 

I ended up finally ending it today. The last straw was today we went to a friends house to pick up money he owed me. She was with me and knows the people. Only my friends wife was there. I asked my gf if she wanted to come in with me but she waited in the car. I came back out after 5-10 min. She asked me "Do you go over there a lot when she's the only one home?". Apparently I took it the wrong way. I told her if she can give me a legitimate reason to ask that I will apologize for getting annoyed. After forever of her saying she doesn't know and was "just wondering" she finally said she was only asking because I don't talk to his wife often. She'd ask that same question if it was a male acquaintance. Real bs excuse.

 

At the end of the day I told her we need to end the relationship. Was a pretty emotional roller coaster for us both.

 

First she was furious at me, saying I take too many things the wrong way for example like her asking for my phone to see what I'd do isn't as big of a deal as I make it. I was an a-hole that never even tried at the relationship. I think this was just her emotions going crazy. I can admit I wasn't as affectionate as I should have been after the honeymoon phase (I need to work on that) but a big part was her trust issues/insecurities pushing me away which I think made me less affectionate as well. She tried to throw her jewelry away I got her and I took it out of the trash. She then asked "who cares throw it away. why do you need it? gonna give it to somebody else?". That didn't help her case at all.

 

After a bit she calmed down some. She said if she didn't trust me she wouldn't be with me. She asks the things she asks just for peace of mind. I tried to tell her she should already have peace of mind and shouldn't need to do that, it isn't normal. I don't do it to her. Most people would've been out the door a lot sooner. I told her that the things she asks are disrespectful towards me and that she doesn't understand. It feels crappy to constantly feel under the gun when doing normal things.

 

She eventually started saying how she knows she messed up and she's sorry. She wants another chance. I told her I think I've already hit my breaking point and can't do it anymore. I'm just not happy and I hate being on such a short fuse with my temper and I don't like who I'm becoming around her lately. I told her I understand that she's had an extremely bad past and probably feels guilt/shame for things she's been through.. and although she shouldn't feel that way about herself since it isn't her fault and she didn't deserve it, it's also not fair to me to deal with the ripple effect. There is nothing I can do to help.

 

She already had one therapy session and scheduled another. She told me she will do whatever it takes to make it work. She will take anxiety meds if she has to (she tries to avoid meds and I don't blame her I'm not a fan of them either unless you absolutely need them). She also said she will go to therapy sessions every week if she has to. She's never wanted something so bad in her life and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

It's just so hard to tell if she will really go through with working that hard. She could just be this way right now since she's heartbroken. Or maybe because now she realizes her actions have consequences. It could be a real wake up call. I told her she will probably just stop telling me when things bother her but they still will, and they will just fester inside of her.. and that isn't right because you should be able to tell your S.O. anything. It just shouldn't be a problem in the first place. I feel like even going to therapy every week it could still take a long time for her to change.. IF EVER. I don't know if I can handle waiting for something that may never happen. She seemed very very willing to do whatever it takes.

 

I just feel like it may be too late for me. Although I love her and care for her, my mindset toward her has changed so much there may be no going back.

Edited December 27, 2018 by jas098

[healing light]

Thank God, Jas. Good for you.

 

I saw her initial response to you as completely selfish and manipulative, and this is coming from someone who has been through a lot of abuse.

 

She is trying to justify her emotional abuse of you through her past problems. She's controlling and jealous. You can't talk to the friend who is responsible for you guys even meeting??

 

If she wanted to change, she would take responsibility for her issues. She would exercise some self-restraint after you've voiced your concerns and shown her how unfair she's been, even if she had to sit in discomfort with her own thoughts. She would be serious about therapy. She wouldn't give you a load of BS when you point out how unreasonable she's been.

 

It's not your job to babysit her while you're on a tight leash until she gets better. Her problems are not your punishment. You didn't break her, it's not your job to fix her. I pray you stay away from her--you will be SOOOO much better off.

 

Staying in this relationship would be enabling her abuse of you....and I'm certain you would walk on so many egg shells to try to avoid her landmines that you would become a shell of your former self. The most loving thing to do for her at this point would be to stay away.

 

BTW, where was her concern for you in any of this? I don't see her making your feelings a priority. You're supposed to be trapped and unhappy while she's your warden for years and years until she's determined she has the strength to make different choices? Please. You don't owe her anything. You're too young to throw away years of your life on her emotional dysregulation.

 

The bottom line is she cares about her discomfort and having her insecurities accommodated more than she cares about your well-being. She's not in a place to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You could be the perfect boyfriend and she would invent something to be upset about.

[nodramallama]

Well done, jas!!

 

Please stay strong! She's going to probably go into panic mode and contact you relentlessly begging for another chance, so be ready. Better yet, block her everywhere. You need to protect yourself right now!

 

As someone who used to be like your gf at that age, I can tell you that it took me all of 28 years of psychotherapy, meditation, medication, and soul searching to be able to have a happy, healthy, functional dating relationship with someone and believing that I actually DESERVE it!

 

Healthy self esteem and self awareness takes an incredible amount of work for some of us with sh*tty abusive childhoods but it CAN be done!

[jas098]

Thank you for the encouragement. I really hope I can stay strong. I have a little rough road of heartbreak ahead of me but I think I can handle it.

[smackie9]

You did the best thing for her. Therapy only works when the patient is not in a relationship. Relationships are a distraction, only exasperates the issues, and the therapy will not help at all. She needs to stand on her own two feet and own it, own her behavior and take responsibility for it.

[preraph]

You really have a grasp of the situation and the way you handled it is admirable. She's promising you the moon, but as you know, this isn't a quick fix, if ever. Best case scenario is she understands what happened to her and loses some guilt and accepts it happened, but getting that peace of mind is still not something that magically makes the ingrained behavior change. That's a life's work. I really think you handled it well. She is really out of control. You deserve some peace, a peaceful positive relationship next time. It's great that you explained to her so clearly how it affects you and why it isn't fair to you. She keeps expecting people to make accommodations for her behavior. I'm glad she's in therapy and hope it will help her through this transition.

[basil67]

I'm impressed. You handled yourself and the breakup perfectly.

[kendahke]

I did bring up to her how that bothered me. She said it's just her past and she wants to forget, but she would tell me if I wanted to know. I never did ask because I'm leaning towards breaking up and prefer her not put herself in an uncomfortable place telling me then I end things.

 

 

Good decision

[kendahke]

Update:

 

I ended up finally ending it today. The last straw was today we went to a friends house to pick up money he owed me. She was with me and knows the people. Only my friends wife was there. I asked my gf if she wanted to come in with me but she waited in the car. I came back out after 5-10 min. She asked me "Do you go over there a lot when she's the only one home?". Apparently I took it the wrong way. I told her if she can give me a legitimate reason to ask that I will apologize for getting annoyed. After forever of her saying she doesn't know and was "just wondering" she finally said she was only asking because I don't talk to his wife often. She'd ask that same question if it was a male acquaintance. Real bs excuse.

 

At the end of the day I told her we need to end the relationship. Was a pretty emotional roller coaster for us both.

 

First she was furious at me, saying I take too many things the wrong way for example like her asking for my phone to see what I'd do isn't as big of a deal as I make it. I was an a-hole that never even tried at the relationship. I think this was just her emotions going crazy. I can admit I wasn't as affectionate as I should have been after the honeymoon phase (I need to work on that) but a big part was her trust issues/insecurities pushing me away which I think made me less affectionate as well. She tried to throw her jewelry away I got her and I took it out of the trash. She then asked "who cares throw it away. why do you need it? gonna give it to somebody else?". That didn't help her case at all.

 

After a bit she calmed down some. She said if she didn't trust me she wouldn't be with me. She asks the things she asks just for peace of mind. I tried to tell her she should already have peace of mind and shouldn't need to do that, it isn't normal. I don't do it to her. Most people would've been out the door a lot sooner. I told her that the things she asks are disrespectful towards me and that she doesn't understand. It feels crappy to constantly feel under the gun when doing normal things.

 

She eventually started saying how she knows she messed up and she's sorry. She wants another chance. I told her I think I've already hit my breaking point and can't do it anymore. I'm just not happy and I hate being on such a short fuse with my temper and I don't like who I'm becoming around her lately. I told her I understand that she's had an extremely bad past and probably feels guilt/shame for things she's been through.. and although she shouldn't feel that way about herself since it isn't her fault and she didn't deserve it, it's also not fair to me to deal with the ripple effect. There is nothing I can do to help.

 

She already had one therapy session and scheduled another. She told me she will do whatever it takes to make it work. She will take anxiety meds if she has to (she tries to avoid meds and I don't blame her I'm not a fan of them either unless you absolutely need them). She also said she will go to therapy sessions every week if she has to. She's never wanted something so bad in her life and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

 

It's just so hard to tell if she will really go through with working that hard. She could just be this way right now since she's heartbroken. Or maybe because now she realizes her actions have consequences. It could be a real wake up call. I told her she will probably just stop telling me when things bother her but they still will, and they will just fester inside of her.. and that isn't right because you should be able to tell your S.O. anything. It just shouldn't be a problem in the first place. I feel like even going to therapy every week it could still take a long time for her to change.. IF EVER. I don't know if I can handle waiting for something that may never happen. She seemed very very willing to do whatever it takes.

 

I just feel like it may be too late for me. Although I love her and care for her, my mindset toward her has changed so much there may be no going back.

 

You are right--this issue of hers isn't going to be solved in 3 visits. This is an intensive 18 months minimum to get at this and vanquish it.

 

Although it doesn't seem so now, you've done the right thing for not only you but for her, too.

 

Until she's done with therapy, this will never stop. It will morph and shape shift; and you aren't obligated to stick with her while she half-a$$ works to rectify it. I say that because of her lobbing those grenades at you; and when you cooked them and threw them back, now she's got weak retractions--she knew exactly why she said what she said--she was mad that you were giving attention to another woman, innocuous as it was, her mind can't help but reach for that because she's fragmented. Also, she didn't expect for you to spin around on her and refuse to take it.

 

Sorry you're hurting now, but this will fade and you will meet a new, loving woman who will make you so happy you took this path now.

[Gretchen12]

And now you need to make sure her problem does not become your problem going forward.

 

A few months ago I dumped a guy who kept reading more into what I say, because his ex used to insinuate all sorts of things. She conditioned him into being fearful of being accused and picked apart over little things. They broke up but he stayed over-vigilant to attacks. He's never the same again.

[jas098]

She wanted to talk over things and stay the night. I told her I'd hear her out but she cant stay over. I feel awful obviously this is never easy.

 

Shes admitting she has a problem. She hates the way she thinks. She does think I take things out of context though like her asking if I goto my friends house often when just his wife is home. She says she meant nothing by it. Even though I dont believe her I told her even if she isnt lying, that's how I think of it now because of the way shes done it in the past. I dont like having to think about if I'm being accused or not because I shouldn't have to.

 

Shes promising me that she will try as hard as possible to make it work. Instead of breaking up shes suggesting a 3 month break and see how things are then. I told her it wont be fixed by then and I feel even if things are great for half a year I think they will go back to the way they were. I think it will take longer than she thinks and I dont want to sit around putting my life on pause. She says she knows she can change and to give her a chance. She keeps begging which I expected anyway. I told her if we just take a break then she knows I'm here waiting and that wont work.

 

Still sticking to the break up. She has me more confused now since she seems sincere but logically I think I can still see us staying broken up being for the best. Thanks for reading

Edited December 28, 2018 by jas098

[jas098]

She showed up at my house today before I left for work. Still trying to negotiate with me. Telling me she knows she can do it and give her at least a little time. Crying her eyes out the whole time and I'm starting to feel really guilty about it. Shes trying to say I should at least try because I'm not giving her the opportunity to prove herself. If in a couple months i dont think it's going to work then call it quits. I'm trying to tell her that it's not going to help anything for her to stick around. The resentment I've already built up isnt going anywhere and if anything will get worse.

 

Shes still trying though. Any tips on how to handle this? I guess there is no easy way to do it?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

Any idea of what i should do? Is this just doomed?

 

This is doomed because this is not functional relationship behavior. I dated a guy like that for 3 weeks and he drove me up the wall. If she doesn't trust you now, that distrust will just get worse. My bf and I don't need to check each other's phones and we def don't get upset f the other interacts w/people of the opposite sex. After experiencing the controlling psycho, I discovered this behavior isn't out of love, but out of a desire to control someone. There is no excuse for her to behave that way. As for everything else she said about just wanting reassurance, no matter what you do, nothing will ever be enough. I would spend an entire day w/the psycho, talk on the phone w/him for hours after and text him all day we weren't seeing each other. He still thought I was stepping out w/other guys. You dodged a bullet.

Edited December 28, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol

[Garcon1986]

I think you have to be firm but kind. Bless you for going through this, my last breakup was related to what happened to you - my ex GF never stopped questioning me / gaslighting me after my only offense - my prior ex-GF texting me randomly to check on me. It became as bad as my GF criticizing me for speaking with my parents. I became an emotional doormat and have vowed never to do the same again. Stay strong and have happy things in your life. You are justified in thinking you've waited too long for her to recover.

[GreenTea937]

If a man was behaving like this people would think hes jealous controlling posessive and will start being abusive soon.

 

She seems young and immature and not ready for a realtionship AT. ALL.

 

You cant live like this and it will take a toll on the relationship. She needs to work on her insecurities. She will go through all of your things which is not her place to do so.

 

Please leave her before its too late. When you leave her, yes your car will get keyed but you will have your piece of mind back.

[jas098]

With her still coming around trying to make things right and saying I should at least give her a chance.. im starting to feel extremely guilty by saying no. She says give it a couple months and see that she will be working on it very hard. I shouldn't throw us away just yet. She says what will it hurt by giving her a couple months to prove herself, and that I should at least try that. If I still feel the same way we can call it quits but at least I let her try. I keep trying to tell her it will most likely take a very long time for her to change but she keeps saying to believe in her because she can do it.

 

I'm having a hard time not breaking into letting her try to prove it. I feel so horrible and I feel like I'm losing a part of me too. Anybody have advice for this? I'm so hurt and confused. I can't help but feel like the bad guy.

[basil67]

Jas, remember that guilt trip letter she wrote not long back? It's the reason you shouldn't return. I know you're feeling guilty, but that's because she's guilt tripping you. It's not because you've done anything wrong.

 

I strongly suggest you give her one last firm "no" and tell her that you're going No Contact. Then block her. I know it's tough, but it's the only way to stop her.