My girlfriend doesn't trust me and I've done nothing wrong

[jas098]

I'm 28 years old, she is 23.

 

My girlfriend has been in 2 relationships before us. Both were physically and emotionally abusive. Stealing, hitting, cheating, lying, everything you can think of. One even gave her a disease she is stuck with for life and the guy only told her after they were finally over out of spite.

 

So I understand her insecurities/trust issues.. but it's getting old. We've known each other for about 2 years and have been official for 1.5 years. I've never done anything for her not to trust me. Never lied, never cheated, I dont talk to any girls, I dont put her down, I've literally done nothing for her to feel iffy about me. I can understand maybe the first 6 months to a year of having your guard up but it just seems like it's never going to change.

 

If I talk to her best friend to see what she thinks I should get my gf for her birthday, my gf gets irritated. Even though I've known her best friend for 5 years and met my gf through her. I'm no longer allowed to respond to her. Then theres things like tests; Once I got asked "can I see your phone?" For me to say yeah and go to hand it to her. Only for her to say "oh I dont need it I just wanted to see what you'd do." She constantly thinks I'm going to leave for somebody better. She gets jealous very easily. She questions every girl that likes/comments on my Facebook. Shes counted all my friends to see my girl:guy ratio. I could go on and on.

 

Other than this stuff shes a great loving, caring, sweet girlfriend. My family and friends love her and think shes the one for me. Her family and friends think the same.. but this is beginning to take its toll on me and I'm the one who has to deal with the baggage. It's a pretty ****ty feeling to do all you can and still not be trusted and I can tell my interest has been plummeting. She tells me she cant just change overnight it could take years.. but it just doesnt feel fair to me that I may have to wait years for the possibility of nothing to ever change. I let her do whatever she wants, she can hang out with who she wants, it doesnt matter because I trust her but I dont get the same in return. Shes going to see a therapist soon apparently but I dont know if it will even help. Then it makes it harder since shes always posting sappy stuff and pics of us telling everybody how great I am etc.

 

I can't decide if something like this is actually a deal breaker or not. I'm also a little inexperienced as I've only had a few serious relationships. So it's hard for me to tell if I'm overreacting since everybody has flaws. Maybe my standards for a relationship may be too high? Idk.. Nobody is perfect.. it's not as bad as dealing with a cheater/liar/thief/etc. but I guess it's still bad since trust is pretty huge in a relationship? I just feel so confused.

 

Any idea of what i should do? Is this just doomed?

[PegNosePete]

I understand her insecurities/trust issues.. but it's getting old

Imagine how she feels then. She can't just decide they're getting old and move on. She is stuck with them for life.

 

However that doesn't mean you should just put up with it. From what you describe she is deeply affected and has some serious issues with being in a normal relationship. Although you may have known about her issues beforehand, you probably didn't sign up for how things are now. The excessive testing especially would do my head in too.

 

She tells me she cant just change overnight it could take years.. but it just doesnt feel fair to me that I may have to wait years for the possibility of nothing to ever change.

Right. And even if it does get better there's a very good chance she'll dump you. It's very common in that situation, just like when a woman loses a lot of weight, has cosmetic surgery etc. She finds that the new improved version of her has a lot more choice in men than she had before and wants to explore those choices. Good old Mr Reliable who helped her through the hard times fades into the background.

 

In the meantime you're in a lose-lose situation because you're in a relationship with someone who's really not ready to be in a relationship. If you dump her now then you're the bad guy, dumping someone who has personal issues in her time of need. But if you carry on with the relationship then you're sacrificing your own needs and happiness for a relationship which might never be healthy. Certainly, you're in an unenviable position.

 

I'd recommend you look up and read a book called No More Mr Nice Guy, I think it very much applies to you.

 

Any idea of what i should do? Is this just doomed?

Chances are it's doomed, yes. Very few relationships like this will last. But as mentioned above it can be difficult to end them, you feel bad about dumping her in her hour of need so you carry on and on and on. What's likely to happen is that eventually she will go 1 step too far and you will end up dumping her. Whether you want to pre-empt that by dumping her sooner, and saving a few more years of your youth, is up to you. Certainly it's probably for the best. But whether you can bring yourself to do it is another matter.

Edited December 18, 2018 by PegNosePete

[d0nnivain]

She is punishing you for other men's sins. Until she stops & addresses her own issues it will always be like this. She will ruin every relationship she has. If you want to be her whipping boy, continue but if you hope to save this suggest that she get some professional mental help. You can't fix this. Only she can. It won't be overnight but it won't happen at all until she gets therapy. She has a lot of grieving & healing to do which she hasn't even started. Having an incurable disease takes a toll; she's not processing that & can't by herself.

[Andy_K]

Stop pandering to her insecurities. Feeding an addiction won't help cure it.

 

Likely she'll get angry or upset - more so than she does already. At these times I suggest you offer as much support as you can, rather than react with anger in return. If she's totally unreachable, take some time out and start again the next day.

 

Recognise that she is wired for drama - mentally she associates love with pain, a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows is what gives her the right fix. The right intensity. If there are no problems, she goes looking for them harder and harder, and creates them from thin air if necessary. It will take a LOT of work to rewire the way she processes feelings, and there's still a good chance she'll just leave you for someone else who's controlling or abusive.

[Garcon1986]

Well my last relationship died in large part because of this exact same trust stuff; she was a loving and caring girlfriend, but she lost trust in me when my ex texted me out of the blue exactly when my girlfriend was staring at my cellphone. She started questioning me to the point where if she was following me in my car, and I was stopped at the red light, she would accuse me of texting other women - simply because I put the car in park. I pledged no contact but I couldn't have predicted the worst possible thing - my ex texting me out of the blue.

 

It's time for you to tell her how disappointed you are - and show her the evidence that you've never done anything that would make her insecure, and start it out with all the reasons you care about her. Tell her how poorly it makes you feel, and then get her reaction. Let her know you refuse to continue to get punished for sins you did not commit. Women unconsciously test their men, some women on Loveshack here have admitted it, and it's their way of avoiding getting hurt. Unfortunately your girlfriend is way off in left field in the appropriateness of constantly testing you. Tell her specifically you will no longer put up with it.

[40somethingGuy]

I'm 28 years old, she is 23.

 

My girlfriend has been in 2 relationships before us. Both were physically and emotionally abusive. Stealing, hitting, cheating, lying, everything you can think of. One even gave her a disease she is stuck with for life and the guy only told her after they were finally over out of spite.<SNIP>

She is making her problems your problems. You've been supportive and understanding of her prior issues enough. The problem you have (as you call yourself inexperienced) is that 'inexperience' is code for 'lacking confidence' to find a better match where you will not be continually punished for sins of the past. Read books on how to boost your confidence. Move on already. It may not be her fault she is 'damaged' but she is and you have to do what is right for you. You basically are her whipping boy and maybe you leaving her will prompt her to get the help she needs to better herself in the long run. Trying to help and take care of her is at the expense of you and your needs.

Edited December 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[kendahke]

 

Any idea of what i should do?

 

I think that depends upon how realistic you're prepared to be.

 

I think you should just dump her and quit enabling someone who needs a therapist more than she needs a boyfriend.

 

Unless you want more of this for the foreseeable future, you need to reconsider the wisdom in dealing with her for the rest of your life and things not getting better--in fact, they will get worse. So, is this your life until the grave?

 

 

Or

 

Are you going to start loving yourself enough to stop allowing her to emotionally blackmail and manipulate you?

 

Is this just doomed?

 

As things are right now with her not getting anything like years of serious, on-going professional help? Yes.

[ExpatInItaly]

If she refuses to seek any professional help, then yes, this is doomed, OP.

 

You can't fix problems you didn't cause. My ex was like this. He was constantly on high alert, was very jealous and was forever inventing problems in his mind and expecting me to pay for them. It never got better and I had enough.

 

Walking away from that is one of the best choices I have ever made.

[smackie9]

You are not responsible for her behavior towards this relaitonship. Throw in the towel. Tell her it's just not working out then walk away.

[damni]

Remember this has nothing to do with you but her insecurities.

 

I was very insecure with my boyfriend when I was in my early 20s, I was crazy to be honest. Looking back now at 29, I wonder why he put up with me? he was feeding into my insecurity by staying.

 

It is good she is willing to see a therapist but YOU need to make it clear to her that you cannot put up with her behaviour anymore. She either changes or your gone.

[jas098]

Just as an update. We've been talking a lot about it recently but it always ends up with her saying just break up with her then. How she thinks I'm the one but if it isnt working then just end it. No breaks, we either break up or stay together.

 

Makes me feel awful but I'm leaning toward ending things. I told her I want to be with her but I just dont think it's best for either of us at the moment. Didnt think I'd have such a hard time making a decision, this sucks :/

[basil67]

Unless you have evidence to the contrary, I'm going to throw in the word 'allegedly' when it comes to her stories of being so abused in the past. The fact that she's not taking your concerns seriously and refuses to address her own issues tells me that she's likely contributed to problems in her past.

 

Anyway, her telling you to break it off is just another way of saying that she's not going to change. She's leaving you no choice but to walk away. And might I add, there's a very good chance she's going to list you as one of the guys who abused her in the past too.

[jas098]

Unless you have evidence to the contrary, I'm going to throw in the word 'allegedly' when it comes to her stories of being so abused in the past. The fact that she's not taking your concerns seriously and refuses to address her own issues tells me that she's likely contributed to problems in her past.

 

Anyway, her telling you to break it off is just another way of saying that she's not going to change. She's leaving you no choice but to walk away. And might I add, there's a very good chance she's going to list you as one of the guys who abused her in the past too.

 

Of her 2 relationships. One of the guys lived with her at her parents house. So they knew a good amount she went through and have talked about it in front of me. So odds are she isnt lying about her abuse from both boyfriends. Not in details like shes told me but I at least know at minimum they were bad people.

[Gretchen12]

I believe it is much less likely that abusive relationships made her insecure. More often it is bad childhood creating an insecure person that goes into abusive relationships. You're dealing with damage much deeper than what's caused by two past abusers. You're dealing with someone who accepts abusers and carries wounds that may never heal with any amount of therapy. She creates problems and now wants to break up because she doesn't believe she deserves to be treated well.

 

However, it isn't black and white. There are varying degrees of insecurity. Normally I'd suggest you set boundaries and she can control her behavior even if she can't control her emotions. It was rude and disrespectful to ask to see your phone. If you don't tolerate disrespect, she may learn to behave properly. But in this case, when you tried to talk about it, she pretty much said she's ready to walk away. It sounds like the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if you have much choice now.

[Woggle]

No matter what happened to her it is not your obligation to be the whipping boy for other men's sins.

[lurker74]

There are very few laws in psychology, but one of them might be:

 

Dependency breeds hostility

 

Since she has trust issues, what she is experiencing, most likely, is a realization that as she grows close to you, her continued happiness is dependent on you. Those negative feels (negative because happiness comes from within, not from another person) derive not just from past relationships but also from her childhood.

 

So you have a choice. Live with her need to reduce dependency, help her develop the tools to do so with a professional, or admit that the relationship will not work.

[preraph]

She needs counseling. She is ill equipped to be in a nonabusive relationship. She probably has skills for an abusive one. Her insecurity and distrust is real high and she doesn't know what to do about it.

 

She needs to get into therapy and work some things out with a psychologist. No meds, just working through it and understanding it.

 

Meanwhile, you be transparent so she has no rational thing to worry about. And let her know that your ethics will not allow you to do what others may have done. But beware because we don't really know what her ethics are either.

[40somethingGuy]

Just as an update. We've been talking a lot about it recently but it always ends up with her saying just break up with her then. How she thinks I'm the one but if it isnt working then just end it. No breaks, we either break up or stay together.

 

Makes me feel awful but I'm leaning toward ending things. I told her I want to be with her but I just dont think it's best for either of us at the moment. Didnt think I'd have such a hard time making a decision, this sucks :/

Take her advice. Dump her. She is not respecting you at all and you put up with it. You are the 'one' because you are the easy target to crap on because you let it happen. This shouldn't be that difficult. She is a disaster.

[lovenoobi]

It sucks but the decision is actually pretty easy to be made and that would be to seperate and move on.

 

She’s manipulating you and making you feel guilty. Her words of ‘you are the one for her’ are just that; empty words.

If she meant what she said then she would:

a) acknowledge your concerns seriously

B) make amendments for how she would address your concerns

C) wouldn’t give up so readily

 

It seems like she sees no problems with her current behaviour or rather does not see its significance as you have.

[jas098]

It sucks but the decision is actually pretty easy to be made and that would be to seperate and move on.

 

She’s manipulating you and making you feel guilty. Her words of ‘you are the one for her’ are just that; empty words.

If she meant what she said then she would:

a) acknowledge your concerns seriously

B) make amendments for how she would address your concerns

C) wouldn’t give up so readily

 

It seems like she sees no problems with her current behaviour or rather does not see its significance as you have.

 

She has acknowledged my concerns by scheduling a therapist appointment. I think her way of defense is just saying to end it. It's not that she actually wants to. I'm all she talks about to her friends and family so she obviously will be hurt when things end if they do (which most likely will if I can actually do it).

 

Like when it comes to it bothering her that I respond to her friend (who was my friend before I even met my gf I met my gf through her), she says she knows it isnt fair and she hates that it bothers her so bad but she doesnt know what to do.

 

I think therapy MAY help.. but idk how long it may take if it actually does. Sticking around may be a hard task. Everybody is giving me the answer here. My friends and family think shes amazing and to try to work it out. So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.. but to be honest I think everybody here is right.

 

Ugh why's this gotta be so difficult if the answer is right in front of my face.

[kendahke]

She has acknowledged my concerns by scheduling a therapist appointment.

 

 

My dear, it's going to take way more than A therapist session to unravel what she needs to unravel.

 

You're about to see exactly how serious she is about healing by how quickly she balks at and dismisses on-going therapy. She needs to be doing this because..., not as some maneuver to keep you around.

 

I think therapy MAY help..

 

No. Therapy will help--especially if it's a good one--it will help much better than you can because unless you're a trained and licensed therapist, you can't get at what's up with her. All you can do is skip around the periphery right now. She needs someone who can deep dive to the dark, psychological level where this dysfunction resides to get at why she is stuck on this. And that's going to take time--and certainly more than a therapy appointment.

 

ugh why's this gotta be so difficult if the answer is right in front of my face.

 

Welcome to adulting. There's always a curve in it somewhere...

[Giraffe-A]

This will wear you down further down the road if it is not addressed now. If you really like her, I'd have a real talk with her. If you can write your feelings down in a letter, even better. You gotta put your foot down now. She has to see the reality that you are ready to walk out that door if she doesn't learn to manage her jealousy. If you have to go to therapy with her in order to convey this, you should. But honestly, most people have trust issues and could only wish for a cool like you to rescue them.

[jas098]

So this is a message she sent me after talking things over a little bit:

 

I know all you see is my flaws but I wish you could see how hard I'm trying. You see a girl who wants to go out and stay out all night with you because you think I'm "checking up on you" and I see a girl who im so proud of. I see a girl who was terrified of bars before I met you. I've never stayed out like that literally until I met you but I don't mind. I actually like it now because you make me feel safe. You see a girl who questions everything when i see a girl who wonders why you're even with me. there's alot about me you dont know because I dont want you to. Stuff I will keep to myself forever. I have been through stuff that no one should ever go through. I am so proud of what I've achieved since I've been with you. And I know im struggling. Believe me I know. But I am trying so hard. If only you knew. I used to wake up from nightmares screaming and crying. I dont have them anymore. I still have nightmares but they're not as bad. You make me feel safe and secure and I know you care about me. And I know that my insecurities and doubting is such a turn off but who i am right now and I'm constantly fighting it everyday. If I didnt trust you I would not be with you. I would have run away and have been long gone. You just need to give me time. I know we've been together for it seems like a while but I cant change over night. It's going to take a little bit. I talked to your mom about this and she made me feel better. It can sometimes take years. But please believe me that I am trying and I will never give up on myself.

 

This is the type of stuff that makes me feel guilty as hell and unsure about breaking up. I've been trying to wait until after the holidays because I felt a week before Christmas would be a horrible idea.

 

Just makes things difficult. She seems like she really wants to try but I still feel like maybe breaking up is for the best. I just feel horrible about it. Guessing this doesnt change much of anything? Sorry to keep posting about it I'm sure you all have been in a tough spot with your heart before I just dont really have anybody else to talk to about it.

Edited December 23, 2018 by jas098

[preraph]

Well, she clearly urgently needs to see a psychologist and yes it will take a long time; however, maybe she will learn some coping skills in a shorter time than it takes to actually get to the root of her problem. She has low self-worth and sounds like an abusive background and she's telling you she's making some progress, so maybe it's worth at least getting her to a real psychologist and letting her air her secrets she's not going to tell you in a safe environment because what a psychologist will hopefully do if there is something shameful, she will let her understand how it wasn't her fault and try to remove the shame. Or if it's her fault, make her face it and own it. If you really care about her, it's worth a shot. My fear is if you leave her, she won't continue therapy. You might tell her that once she reaches a certain point in her progress in therapy, then you would like to go as a couple to try to understand it all yourself.

[basil67]

That's one heck of a guilt trip she just laid on you.