Seid Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 I've known this girl for 13 years, since when I was @16 and she @14. We met through the internet in a MSN group that people are still friends till today. That time we lived 500km from each other but engaged in a virtual relationship(we were kids that time) that lasted a year, I broke with her to pursue a local relationship. Time went by and we grew up, some flirts here and there over texting during the years, when one of us was single the other one was in a relationship. We always had the impression that there still was some affection from our virtual relationship. The famous "What could have it been?". Five years ago I've moved to her city but I was in a relationship, we still flirted and talked but never managed to meet in person, part of me knew that things could get out of control if we saw each other so I avoided. This year when I've got single I've dated some other girls for fun, but avoided her, maybe deep down I've knew that old feelings would come to surface. Then in October a friend from that MSN group came to visit us and we went clubbing. Just as I expected there was something in the air, we flirted and danced a lot that night. But when I tried to go for the kiss she said she couldn't because she was in a unnoficial relationship. I removed my interest from this point to respect her decision. Cutting it short, she was dating a guy since July(3 months) and they were in a unnoficial relationship. One week later he broke with her from nowhere with a wishy washy reason, she really felt that and I did nothing to avoid being the rebound. This was in September 30. November I decided to give a shot and called her to a date which she enthusiastically accepted, we went to a bar to drink and things ended well in my apartment, she spent the whole weekend with me. Since then, we have been dating once a week for this last month. December 16, I texted her to arrange our date of the week and this was the whole conversation: (Maybe google translation messed some parts) Me: Hello Cupcake, how was your day? She: It was great, and yours? Me: It was nice, when are you free to get together this week? She: So, I'd like to talk with you about that. I though a lot about this, I still wanna hang out with you and show you new places and make you know things. But I think we should continue seeing each other as friends, as it always was hahaha. She: I really though a lot about this since I slept in your house. She: I'm very afraid of what can happen to us, I don't want to ruin our friendship, this year I've been through a similar situation that I lost a friendship of 7 years. Obviously you are someone else, another situation, but I don't want to allow myself to make the same mistake. Me: Stay cool hahaha but I though you were enjoying what we were having She: I am!! You know how much I like you, and for this very reason I'm afraid, we have so many years of history, I do not want to ruin it. She: After everything that happened in my relationships this year I think I need to be alone for a while, I do not want to be in a relationship so soon now... She: And I don't want to fall in love with you hahaha Me: But you are already hahaha She: Things can get even worse hahaha She: I'm afraid to ruin everything and I really like you Me: Honestly, I've enjoyed a lot what we had this month. I was also afraid in the beginning, but now I'm not. I'm dating you to know you better and see what happens. It's been strange for me, with you it's different from the other women I've dated, I don't know if It's because we've known each other for a long time She: Exactly! I feel that way too, it's weird because it seems like I know you so much She: I really blush when I with you, I know, it's ridiculous, but it happens hahaha Me: Usually I try to contain myself and be perfect, but with you I just relax and allow me to be myself. Me: Honestly I was trying to make you fall in love with me hahaha She: I NOTICED THAT Me: When I called you to our first date, it was supposed to be just fun, nothing romantic hahaha but wow you're an amazing person She: hahaha thank you, you were everything I imagined, even better hahaha She: I think we have a 50% chance to succeed and 50% to go wrong, and no matter how good it is, if it works, I'm afraid if it does not. I do not want to lose you under any circumstances, and if we try and go wrong, I will not know how to deal. Me: I have this impression too, but if it went wrong I'd be okay with it, you know me. I handle well these things. Me: Well, I respect your decision, but it will hurt since I was putting expectation She: I really wanted to continue, but I think that the further we go the worse, the more involved we'll stay and there's no turning back, I know i'ts a cowardly attitude, but I'd rather be a coward than ruin everything we have She: I did not want it to stop you from hanging out with me, although it's hard not to want to kiss you :* hahaha but I'm still a good company Me: I can not promise to be waiting for you forever, but I wanted to continue and see what will happen. After so long the conditions were now perfect, I wanted to take that chance Me: Maybe we can hangout sometimes, but as you said, control ourselves will be complicated. She: I know even if it is a group hangout at least Me: Lets see She: When I go out with my friends, I'll always call you hahaha She: Thank you, really thank you for undestanding and respecting me, as always <3 Me: Of course, I like you She: <3 Me: if you wanna do something again, call me She: you too Me: I meant in a date way hahaha She: oohh yes sir, when the relapse hits hahaha (I think the translation didn't make sense) Me: Exactly, I'm not one of those guys who do not know how to get a no hahaha so if you wanna take things back, call me She: hahaha oh god She: Thank you for being wonderful always and I hate you for making me curious, I will discover what that pet name means hahaha Me: I'll only tell you if you lose that fear, we are here to venture and have fun, trust me and I'll show you hahaha Me: gotta go now, cya, dream with me ;* She: Oh god, I'm still going to keep thinking about you, you know it, but let's leave it for now hahaha She: Good night, dream with me too hahaha kisses ;* So what do you think it's happening here? A gentle dump or is she just scared? how should I proceed? Thank you for the help
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 I'd go with gentle dump. If you were floating her boat her history etc wouldn't scare her. 1
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 You did ended up being a rebound that you talked about. The thrill is gone, and she gave you the old "I couldn't lose our friendship" talk. bummer.
Alamo657 Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 So what do you think it's happening here? A gentle dump or is she just scared? how should I proceed? Thank you for the help A gentle dump it is. She sees you as a party friend and not as a lover. 1
preraph Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 Women don't EVER tell a guy they might even eventually want a romantic relationship with that they want to just be friends.
phineas Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) NEVER go backwards with a woman if you want to move forward. If you sleep with a woman and she wants to downgrade you to "friend" because she says she's afraid to ruin a friendship you tell her you are only interested in romance. Then you ignore her until she is offering what you want. If you mean anything to her and if she has any attraction to you and doesn't want to lose you forever she will step up. Or she will ghost. Either way you are FAR FAR FAR better off being her boyfriend without benefits. Also, FYI that text exchange would of been a fraction as long if it were me. I would of let her know the second she started mentioning backing off what I was only interested in and that she could let me know if she changed her mind. I got that tidbit from Corey Wayne. It is gold and has served me well.. Edited December 18, 2018 by phineas 1
Author Seid Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 Thank you for the answers. This is not the first time someone gives me the "friendship" talk and I just handle it by accepting and moving forward. I just got confused this time because of specific things she told me like "although it's hard not to want to kiss you" and "I really wanted to continue". I mean, usually in this situation the girl only tells something along the lines she is not feeling it anymore or that she don't want anything physical. Why say that she still likes what we were having, that wanted to continue or even will be hard to not get physical? It's just really confusing, last time we saw each other I slept in her house. We spent the next day cuddling and talking in bed for hours, like a couple. She seemed happy as she was just hugging me hard, smilling, her body language was very positive every moment. I don't know what happened in such a short time span. Maybe she felt smothered after thinking about it?
olivetree Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 I get that it is confusing, but I think that you should ASSUME that she is letting you down gently by trying to make you feel desirable, and then stay away from her. If you assume she is just scared, then you may hang around hoping to change her mind and that is a huge attraction killer. The best shot you have both for moving on and her changing her mind is to stay away. 1
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 She: So, I'd like to talk with you about that. I though a lot about this, I still wanna hang out with you and show you new places and make you know things. But I think we should continue seeing each other as friends, as it always was hahaha^^^ the nitty gritty Rest of the conversation was just meaningless fluff... you trying to get her interest and her batting you off "nicely".
Author Seid Posted December 18, 2018 Author Posted December 18, 2018 NEVER go backwards with a woman if you want to move forward. If you sleep with a woman and she wants to downgrade you to "friend" because she says she's afraid to ruin a friendship you tell her you are only interested in romance. Then you ignore her until she is offering what you want. If you mean anything to her and if she has any attraction to you and doesn't want to lose you forever she will step up. Or she will ghost. Either way you are FAR FAR FAR better off being her boyfriend without benefits. Also, FYI that text exchange would of been a fraction as long if it were me. I would of let her know the second she started mentioning backing off what I was only interested in and that she could let me know if she changed her mind. I got that tidbit from Corey Wayne. It is gold and has served me well.. Guess I need to read it again I really lost that chance to raise for myself and say that I don't want friendship. IF she contacts me to call for group hangouts with her friends, I'll probably have this chance again since I'll reject the invitation. We will only see each other from group hangouts where we have mutual friends. About the texts...I know, after reviewing the whole thing I see that I texted too much and also explained how she made me feel, bad move. I tried to show her that I respect her decision, but maybe that backfired, should have sticked with the "I don't want friendship". At least I did the "call me if you change your mind" to let her know that I'll not chase. I get that it is confusing, but I think that you should ASSUME that she is letting you down gently by trying to make you feel desirable, and then stay away from her. If you assume she is just scared, then you may hang around hoping to change her mind and that is a huge attraction killer. The best shot you have both for moving on and her changing her mind is to stay away. I agree with you, that's my plan, only respond to her contact. I just don't know yet how to react when we inevitably see each other, should I act bored with her or just be fun and MAYBE a flirt. Through the years talking with her always was the second option, if I just act bored it will be a big change. Both can backfire, one making she think I'm still chasing and the other one that I'm resentful from rejection. Idk. ^^^ the nitty gritty Rest of the conversation was just meaningless fluff... you trying to get her interest and her batting you off "nicely". Yeah, bad move... I realized too late that I was doing the mistake of trying to raise her interest explaining how she made me feel.
olivetree Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) I agree with you, that's my plan, only respond to her contact. I just don't know yet how to react when we inevitably see each other, should I act bored with her or just be fun and MAYBE a flirt. Through the years talking with her always was the second option, if I just act bored it will be a big change. Both can backfire, one making she think I'm still chasing and the other one that I'm resentful from rejection. Idk. I don't think that you should "act" any way that isn't authentic. This does not mean show all your cards either though. That said, I think you should not agree to see her until you know what her intentions are. If she hasn't made it clear she wants to see how things go beyond friendship, don't see her... unless you're over her at that point. Side note... what's with all of the "hahahahaha"s? If you're not really laughing, lose that Edited December 18, 2018 by olivetree
elaine567 Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Yeah, bad move... I realized too late that I was doing the mistake of trying to raise her interest explaining how she made me feel. It wasn't necessarily a bad move as no move you could have come up with, was likely going to work there. Do not beat yourself up as you tried and that is a good thing. It didn't work here but it may work in some other situation.
preraph Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 She's been clear. She doesn't want to make you so mad you don't like her as a friend -- and she is only going to include you in "group" events and that means she doesn't want to be alone with you, so no one-on-one friend dates either.
phineas Posted December 18, 2018 Posted December 18, 2018 Guess I need to read it again I really lost that chance to raise for myself and say that I don't want friendship. IF she contacts me to call for group hangouts with her friends, I'll probably have this chance again since I'll reject the invitation. We will only see each other from group hangouts where we have mutual friends. Just her and her friends? Where she will cockblock you if one of her friends shows interest? I wouldn't waste my time personally. Mutual friends? sure. have fun.
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