Random1234567 Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 Hi everyone. So I am 30, gay, and I have been with my partner for 7 years and 8 months. 2 weeks ago I left him. I believe it was the right thing to do as we have simply grown apart, and I find that I am no longer in love with him, although I do love him as a person. I know he has taken the breakup badly, and who can blame him. I feel awful about it as I feel I have hurt a lovely young guy. I am not going to go into the reasons for the breakup, but I can say I have been unhappy in the relationship now for atleast 8 months. I am trying to keep myself busy and I am focusing on my university studies. I have reconnected with several friends which I am super happy about, and they really do help me to think about what I want and so on. But I find myself lying in my bed at night, thinking about him, thinking about another guy who I am attracted to, and the whole thing is just confusing the hell out of me. I do not want to rebound. I want to ride out this period of time and do my best to let me emotions settle. I would be lying if I said I did not think of just going back, knocking on the door, and telling him I have been stupid, and I want to reconcile. But I know I would be living a lie if I did that. I need to move onwards in my life. But I am very afraid about the future. For so long I saw him in it. Knowing he will not be there when I walk through the door makes me feel lonely. I know these feelings are temporary and they will pass. But it still hurts. I wonder what is the point in life if I cannot share it with someone I truly love. As regards the other guy, as I said, I am not rebounding. He is lovely and very respectful. He has been through several breakups himself, and I know he will believe that giving me time is the best thing. But I find I want to be with him. Im sure this is a bad idea at the moment, especially with my emotions all over the place. Does anyone have any advice? To be honest, I am writing this all down more for myself really. I am worried about the future and my dad keeps telling me to live in the moment. But I cant help feel I will be alone and that these feelings wont pass. I know I have a bright future, and I am trying to focus on what I want from now on. Id appreciate any thoughts. Many thanks. x
FMW Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 I think you probably need to take a little break before getting into another relationship. Not a long time, but maybe a month or two. Two weeks is nothing after more than 7 years together so it's only natural it's going to hurt for a while, even if you know breaking up was the right thing to do. And don't go back to him - it's just the loneliness and maybe a little fear about what lies ahead making you think about it. Give it a little time. You certainly can look forward to a healthy, lasting relationship in the future. Just don't rush it.
sparkler1956 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 (edited) A 7 year relationship is no easy accomplishment - make sure it’s not something that isn’t fixable with full effort from both of you. A potential new relationship will be unlikely to make it to that distance and significance. You don’t want to look back and wish you’d worked harder at fixing things. That being said I think distance is a good idea for now. You’re clearly a kind hearted guy. What you absolutely need is a long extended time alone to find yourself and who you are as an individual before bouncing inbetween relationships. Remember it’s been over 7 years since you were truly alone so you need to embrace this time before moving onto a new relationship. I hope you find peace and happiness with whatever choice you make. With love Edited December 19, 2018 by sparkler1956
Twizzlestick Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 A 7 year relationship is no easy accomplishment -. You don’t want to look back and wish you’d worked harder at fixing things. Wish my ex of 11 years could read your words. Just ended it with me for loving but not being in love, said she has doubts about her decision.
sparkler1956 Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 Wish my ex of 11 years could read your words. Just ended it with me for loving but not being in love, said she has doubts about her decision. So sorry to hear that my dear. I do sometimes wonder about some people’s expectations for an everlasting relationship. Love is enough! Sure the spark might dissipate but that’s natural and true of all relationships. What’s left over should be trust and respect and loyalty. The foundations of a real future. If that’s her decision you’ll have to live with it, as will she.
Twizzlestick Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 OP You sound like a decent balanced sort of bloke from your approach. You seem you’re being honest with your feelings. I can talk as someone on other end of this at the min. If you find yourself tempted to reach out to the ex, Reach out only if you really do have intent of trying to work it through. But be clear. It’s painful for both sides so if you find yourself reaching for the phone just be sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and not to “see how you feel” when you text or something (not saying you would but it’s natural, we’re all human). I’ve not been in your shoes but would say it’s got to be natural what you’re feeling. A lot of what you say seems fear coming from a change in life, loneliness etc, Make sure you’re certain about what you did and don’t live in regret though. 7 years a long time and you can roll the dice again, you might roll a 6 but you might roll a 1. Anything that’s at 7 years plus takes work. Only you know if the basics were there that were worth keeping. Loving feelings come and go off and on in long term reles (ask any 80 year old with a 50 year marriage). Chasing that forever with new reles is like chasing smoke. It’s the basic companionship that gets you through. But only you know your own feelings and if what you had was worth working for rather than offing. But my words are highly biased as I’ve just been dumped. Wishing you well.
Twizzlestick Posted December 19, 2018 Posted December 19, 2018 So sorry to hear that my dear. I do sometimes wonder about some people’s expectations for an everlasting relationship. Love is enough! Sure the spark might dissipate but that’s natural and true of all relationships. What’s left over should be trust and respect and loyalty. The foundations of a real future. If that’s her decision you’ll have to live with it, as will she. Thanks. I’m devastated. We had our flaws. She even said she can’t bare to not have her best friend but it’s not enough. That’s how it feels to me. My sidekick has just died essentially. I’m bereft.
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