I am heart broken: he left his partner for me and then went back to her

[mb1400]

I know you will judge me but I am in love, in hell and for 6 months I was the lover/girlfriend of someone with a partner with kids. We've met through work, a very intense situation where we both were away from home for about two months. He just had his second child and he was the one who really conquered me in the most romantic sweet way possible.

 

I was alone and weak, I knew about his kids and partner but he told me he went through depression after he discovered that she was expecting their second child after a moment of crisis, he said he was not in love with her since a long time but unable to end it. He said from his side was over and talk quite badly about the relationship they had over the years. I could not resist the attention, the flattering the compliments the promises of never ending love, the poems, that love that I needed and was growing inside me. After two months of being non stop together, on the day of his departure, we cried like babies, knowing that we would not ever seen each other again. But he got back to her and broke in tears, he confessed it all, confessed he was in love with another woman he did not love her since a long time and broke her heart. In the mean time he broke mine many times, with a million returns, a million break ups due to remorse and impossibility but always declaring his undeniable love for me.

 

I fell hard, I gave him all the intimate parts of myself, I have been patient, I gave him support and advises, I gave him love and trust and all the things in me I could give, I gave him time, time in which we never saw each other, or never forced him, I just waited and talked with him everyday about love and poetry. Then we saw each other again, even if she knew about me and they broke up, they still lived in the same house, so we would see each other only when he was leaving for work, just for few days, before or after his flights from and to his home. Every time my love grew, every time his promises of a future together became bigger. We had many fight cause he was jealous and possessive, but came back crying every time.

 

Then, things changed, his remorse towards his kids and shame grew bigger and broke up with me, he planned to see me and then cancelled at the last moment. Then he returned, and the last time he broke up with me seemed pretty serious, I was ready to go through with it. I never felt such a pain in my life, as I never thought I was ever loved liked that by anyone, I know it sounds pathetic but it was real to me, what he said and promised. After ten days of despair he came back saying all the things anyone could possibly want to hear from someone beloved, he also seemed pretty convincing, this time he said he needed to try to make things work out with her, for his kids, but that did not go well, and the situation at home was tense and not good for the kids, he said he realized it was over, he was said he could not live without me, It felt like a rebirth and like he really got the answer he needed. He left for work and during that time we talked everyday on the phone, like a real couple, he talked about getting a space for himself, about future, work, plans, his city.

 

We booked our flight to finally see each other, but few days before he went all cold and dumped me again. Now he says he wants to go back to her. I am devastated as, if before I had some dignity and strength to leave, now I have none, I cannot believe it, too much pain, too many promises, too many returns, too much trust I gave him, too many fake tears, not this time, not again, not to me. I cannot believe his cruelty, now he neglects me like I never existed, when I took him back everytime he came back crying. Never in six months he expressed any kind of feeling for her, if not shame and guilt towards his kids, only talked about our undying love. He was the one who helped me got back onto my feet after two years of depression and bad relationships, it was nice to be seen.

 

I got my self esteem back, but now, knowing that nothing was real, leaves me horrible and it feels like I cannot go on without him. I cannot believe this man does not love me and dumped me again just few days before seeing each other. I was there with a luggage full of hope. Please, if someone has been in my same shoes, I need help to go through the pain, to find the sense and forgive myself.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

Welcome.........[]

 

I'm not really understanding the timeline or the sequence of events in your post. Your title says he left his partner for you but then he went back. However the way I'm reading it, it doesn't seem as if he ever left his partner. It seems that he has a job that frequently takes him away from home and that allowed him to pretend to be leaving her and that he spent a lot of time future faking and making false promises.

 

Sorry you got your heart broken but sometimes you just have to chalk these things up to learning experiences. This guy has trouble written all over him. By your own words he is jealous and possessive, which those traits are never about love, they are about control and ego, you know he is a cheater who cheated on the mother of his children while she was pregnant with his baby, which not only makes him a untrustworthy it means he handles his personal problems in a very immature and dyfunctional way. It means he is selfish and has no problem hurting his partner and other people to get his needs met.

 

So one thing you could learn from this experience is to judge people by their actions rather than how they make you feel. From reading your post I get the sense that you are easily taken in by words and flattery. If somebody is stroking your ego with compliments and admiration then you are willing to overlook their actions and red flags. You believe in what people say rather than pay attention to what they are doing. This is normal for many young women, especially if they are insecure, have self esteem issues and need validation from others. Learning to weed out the talkers from the doers is a skill that comes with experience.

 

You will heal and move on, it just takes times. And you have learned a valuable lesson. You have learned that committed men with children who are willing to cheat are nothing but bad news and should be avoided like the plague.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Comment on paragraphs redacted; starting post edited

[darkmoon]

been heartbroken, was in your shoes ... you need a holiday, a distraction, an end to moping around

 

 

 

travel worked, for I stopped emoting, and was just digging my feet into the warm Spanish sand, while watching the sea

 

 

you can daydream same before sleep, laying on your mattress in the dark, imagine you are laying on a li-lo out at sea

[elaine567]

It is not an uncommon story I am afraid. Married man with pregnant wife feeing neglected and horny due to lack of sex, meets willing woman.

He spins a tale of love everlasting to keep her interested, but when chips are down he leaves the OW and goes back to his innocent wife and baby.

Getting into the middle of marriages is a very bad strategy. You saw him as a prize, but he was just cheating on his wife with you and told you what you wanted to hear to keep you sweet.

Stay away from married men, they are bad news...

[Wallysbears]

It is not an uncommon story I am afraid. Married man with pregnant wife feeing neglected and horny due to lack of sex, meets willing woman.

He spins a tale of love everlasting to keep her interested, but when chips are down he leaves the OW and goes back to his innocent wife and baby.

Getting into the middle of marriages is a very bad strategy. You saw him as a prize, but he was just cheating on his wife with you and told you what you wanted to hear to keep you sweet.

Stay away from married men, they are bad news...

 

 

100% this.

 

It is a story as old as time itself.

 

Man...horny...wife distracted by something else...finds sex somewhere else.

[BaileyB]

It’s a very hard lesson to learn...

 

Trust is based placed with people who are worthy of the gift. This man was clearly not worthy of your trust. I would say the same to his wife...

[mb1400]

<snip>

Sorry you got your heart broken but sometimes you just have to chalk these things up to learning experiences. This guy has trouble written all over him. By your own words he is jealous and possessive, which those traits are never about love, they are about control and ego, you know he is a cheater who cheated on the mother of his children while she was pregnant with his baby, which not only makes him a untrustworthy it means he handles his personal problems in a very immature and dyfunctional way. It means he is selfish and has no problem hurting his partner and other people to get his needs met.

 

So one thing you could learn from this experience is to judge people by their actions rather than how they make you feel. From reading your post I get the sense that you are easily taken in by words and flattery. If somebody is stroking your ego with compliments and admiration then you are willing to overlook their actions and red flags. You believe in what people say rather than pay attention to what they are doing. This is normal for many young women, especially if they are insecure, have self esteem issues and need validation from others. Learning to weed out the talkers from the doers is a skill that comes with experience.

 

<snip>

Thanks so much for the advises on the post and also for your wise words. You've got it right! I had an emotionally abusive father and that caused some troubles in me, like trying to seek love and validation from certain kind of personalities, also tolerating things that I was conditioned to tolerate. I am aware of my own problems and I have been working on it through therapy.

 

On my defense, I can say that I am not that young and he came and made feel that type of romantic love I wasn't received for a while, that we were working on board of a vessel when we met, and there was no escape from it. It is a difficult working environment, emotions are high when you are in total isolation for two months without ever touching land.

 

I know that to escape certain situations, I must keep far away from them, and I was managing that during the past years of my life, but once I am caught, I am in trouble. Now, I just need to deal with the pain without going mad and feeling too much guilt, otherwise I collapse.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[mb1400]

been heartbroken, was in your shoes ... you need a holiday, a distraction, an end to moping around

 

 

 

travel worked, for I stopped emoting, and was just digging my feet into the warm Spanish sand, while watching the sea

 

 

you can daydream same before sleep, laying on your mattress in the dark, imagine you are laying on a li-lo out at sea

Thanks, and I am sorry you have been in my shoes. Actually Spain would be a good place to forget someone, but sometimes thoughts just follow you. Although, imagining the sea, gives a calming sensation.

[mb1400]

It is not an uncommon story I am afraid. Married man with pregnant wife feeing neglected and horny due to lack of sex, meets willing woman.

He spins a tale of love everlasting to keep her interested, but when chips are down he leaves the OW and goes back to his innocent wife and baby.

Getting into the middle of marriages is a very bad strategy. You saw him as a prize, but he was just cheating on his wife with you and told you what you wanted to hear to keep you sweet.

Stay away from married men, they are bad news...

Yes, I know. He played the victim there. Like all. However, they are not married, so I kind of believed him when he used to say that it was with her just for the children.

[elaine567]

Yes, I know. He played the victim there. Like all. However, they are not married, so I kind of believed him when he used to say that it was with her just for the children.

 

 

You assumed because he was not married he was fair game, whereas living together with children is very akin to being married, the emotional bonds can be identical.

ALSO

"I am staying just for the kids" is second only to "my wife/gf/partner doesn't understand me" in the cheaters handbook...

 

 

Be glad it was only for 6 months, some on here have been in hell for 6yrs+ with married/attached men promising them the earth then not delivering, over and over again

[Amethyst68]

Not being married doesn't mean anything.

 

I have a friend who has been with her passenger for 21 years, they have 3 children but my friend just refuses to get married. The reason - she was married once before, it obviously ended, not for infidelity they were just incompatible but she says she promised till death do us part once already and that didn't happen so why on earth would she do it again?

 

My friend's not any less committed or loyal, not is her partner, their relationship has lasted longer than many of our mutual friends marriages.

 

Sorry for my rambling. I think you saw what you wanted to see. This man's partner had just had a child, did you even think about the level of betrayal this was? How would you even begin to trust him going forward if you did end up together?

[mb1400]

You assumed because he was not married he was fair game, whereas living together with children is very akin to being married, the emotional bonds can be identical.

ALSO

"I am staying just for the kids" is second only to "my wife/gf/partner doesn't understand me" in the cheaters handbook...

 

 

Be glad it was only for 6 months, some on here have been in hell for 6yrs+ with married/attached men promising them the earth then not delivering, over and over again

You are right, the bond is the same. Is that the case for you?

[mb1400]

Not being married doesn't mean anything.

 

I have a friend who has been with her passenger for 21 years, they have 3 children but my friend just refuses to get married. The reason - she was married once before, it obviously ended, not for infidelity they were just incompatible but she says she promised till death do us part once already and that didn't happen so why on earth would she do it again?

 

My friend's not any less committed or loyal, not is her partner, their relationship has lasted longer than many of our mutual friends marriages.

 

Sorry for my rambling. I think you saw what you wanted to see. This man's partner had just had a child, did you even think about the level of betrayal this was? How would you even begin to trust him going forward if you did end up together?

I know, I know. I know where my faults are, I did an immoral choice, but I never asked him to come back to me or fill my head with hopes. We were distant, not living in the same city, so I believed he was not just for sex and passion and I truly truly loved him, I truly truly believed him.

[What_Did_I_Do]

 

Be glad it was only for 6 months, some on here have been in hell for 6yrs+ with married/attached men promising them the earth then not delivering, over and over again

 

Me! *raises hand slowly*

 

Mb1400, mine was 8.5 years of promises and him eventually leaving this past spring only to going back to the marital home after 6 months. Now he's allegedly living in the basement for 'financial reasons'.

 

Sorry you got jacked around by this guy. The MM open their mouth and lies spew out. Though he definitely should win an Academy award for all the tears he shed for your tortured love story. Jerk. Truth is he was feeling neglected by his pregnant partner and lured you in with a convincing story of how lonely his life was. If his relationship was so bad with her, why did they have another child? Most men that have an exit strategy won't bring more kids into a messy situation.

 

I hope you go NC. The feelings you had were real but as Elaine said, be thankful it was only for 6 months.

[Lobouspo]

This guy played you for a fool and took advantage of you. He had his fun and going back to familiar pastures. This guy never cared about you one bit. Sorry for your pain. Let this be a lesson.

[pepperbird]

I know, I know. I know where my faults are, I did an immoral choice, but I never asked him to come back to me or fill my head with hopes. We were distant, not living in the same city, so I believed he was not just for sex and passion and I truly truly loved him, I truly truly believed him.

 

 

No you didn't.

 

 

 

 

You love who you thought he was, but that isn't truly him. Pine for him, stay with him and he will hurt you over and over, and every time he does, he will rationalize the pricks to his conscience by saying " she knows what I am, but she still comes back, so she must be happy with me" ever if you are more heartbroken than you have ever been in your life.

[preraph]

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. I think the most common scenario is the cheating man isn't looking to give up his wife. He's looking for a second. And no matter what they tell you about not getting along, that's just their justification for their bad behavior. At the same time, they're still sleeping with her if she'll let them and would hit the roof if their wife started seeing other men. It's a hard lesson to learn. You are not the "real deal." There is no "real deal."

[Giraffe-A]

I can relate and feel your pain. A previous love affair of mine was on the verge of divorce. We worked together and while I enjoyed my secret crush on him, when it came to light, he confessed he had liked me from day one. He really was drawn to me. Apparently his wife and family discovered this way before I did as he talked about me a lot. When we both talked about it I clearly told him I would not be the other woman and I was satisfied knowing he liked me back. Some time later he showed up to my house with his bags packed saying he did not want to miss this opportunity with me and told the wife he wanted a divorce. Part two of this story was a triangle of disaster which ended with me talking to his wife asking her to come get her trash.

Long story short, married men in these scenarios are all clowns. If a married dude tells you how bad his home life is, play him the fiddle and tell them to scram.

With my guy, his issue with his wife was on full broadcast so I knew for a fact they were having issues. I just seemed to be the catalyst. I made it clear... yes, I like you, but IÂ’m not going to be the other woman. He came to me. Wasnt long before I found out that he told her one thing and me the other. In my story, no one tries to make a fool out of me and gets away with it. He lost his position and I had no problem continuing to work along side of him. It ends up bad... stay strong and stay away from him.

[brigit87]

 

I was alone and weak, I knew about his kids and partner but he told me he went through depression after he discovered that she was expecting their second child after a moment of crisis, he said he was not in love with her since a long time but unable to end it.

 

You were lonely and your judgement was poor. Rule of thumb if they have a girlfriend they aren't available.

 

So when you decided to take attention over doing the right thing you put yourself in harms way.

 

The choice is clear. You need to put this experience behind you and learn from it.

[mb1400]

This guy played you for a fool and took advantage of you. He had his fun and going back to familiar pastures. This guy never cared about you one bit. Sorry for your pain. Let this be a lesson.

I know that is the reality, but it is hard to hear. I felt something different. I believe he was not only a common ******* but a pathological one

[mb1400]

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. I think the most common scenario is the cheating man isn't looking to give up his wife. He's looking for a second. And no matter what they tell you about not getting along, that's just their justification for their bad behavior. At the same time, they're still sleeping with her if she'll let them and would hit the roof if their wife started seeing other men. It's a hard lesson to learn. You are not the "real deal." There is no "real deal."

And what is the real deal?

[mb1400]

I can relate and feel your pain. A previous love affair of mine was on the verge of divorce. We worked together and while I enjoyed my secret crush on him, when it came to light, he confessed he had liked me from day one. He really was drawn to me. Apparently his wife and family discovered this way before I did as he talked about me a lot. When we both talked about it I clearly told him I would not be the other woman and I was satisfied knowing he liked me back. Some time later he showed up to my house with his bags packed saying he did not want to miss this opportunity with me and told the wife he wanted a divorce. Part two of this story was a triangle of disaster which ended with me talking to his wife asking her to come get her trash.

Long story short, married men in these scenarios are all clowns. If a married dude tells you how bad his home life is, play him the fiddle and tell them to scram.

With my guy, his issue with his wife was on full broadcast so I knew for a fact they were having issues. I just seemed to be the catalyst. I made it clear... yes, I like you, but IÂ’m not going to be the other woman. He came to me. Wasnt long before I found out that he told her one thing and me the other. In my story, no one tries to make a fool out of me and gets away with it. He lost his position and I had no problem continuing to work along side of him. It ends up bad... stay strong and stay away from him.

The things is that I made that clear to him too. I did not want to be his lover, that it's probably why he went back to her to confess it all, to give me the illusion that I was the love of his life, that he was serious about it, and to buy more time with her, or to give her a lesson. The thing is that, not matter how screwed up things were, normal, mature people will never cause so much pain and hurt for the fun of it. At some point, in front of all that pain, they will realize that they must stop. He didn't. I feel such a fool. For the pain I have caused her and myself in the name of something I thought was love. But all the things you say do not ease the pain, as all I ever wanted was some humanity and real validation of what he and I felt, despite the fact that it could not go on. It sucks, I am not sure it will be easy to get over all of this guilt and lies. I thought he really saw me. It was the most most beautiful feeling to be seen.....

[Giraffe-A]

Mb1400- We are all looking for love and it is very easy to fall for the first person that makes us feel wanted. Married and separated men are men starved for affection in their lives. That’s all they want, a balance.

This particular ex confided in me once that he knew he was not happy in his marriage and didn’t put any effort into it. He said it was bareable because he had a male friend that made up for the lack of mental stimulation that his wife did not provide. When that friend was gone, he really felt miserable. Then I cane along.

Im personally glad it happened this way. You should too. Just try not to focus on his side only. Women do that and its just uuurgh. Do you realize we will be in their position one day?