Short-lived Affair (OM)

[TooBad]

Hi,

 

 

I've been lurking for a few days here. I've noticed there are not many OM stories. I guess I just want to put mine out here, for any future reference, if needed.

 

 

 

 

We've 'met' online, in a game. She's 28 and married, I'm 48 and single. My basic background is that I look young, act young, never had a GF older than 30 (so her age wasn't really 'strange' to me ) and had been single for 2.5 years, so ripe for the picking I guess.

 

 

She was brought into the guild/clan by her husband, who also plays. She makes suggestive comments, I respond likewise but keep my distance when the husband is around. At that point I was just being me and having fun, not thinking anything of it.

She also never said anything bad about her husband, made comments about him but always in a loving way. So yes, I did not want to mess with that.

 

 

We start talking one on one, about anything and everything. Just silly things, what's happening that day, things we like.... Very open, so also about what we like sexually. Before we knew it we were sexting. And texting eachother from the moment she woke up untill she went to bed.

 

 

At that point she already told me she and her husband had sex like 1-2 times a week, and he would come very fast. But always persisted she loves him, and would never cheat on him. Wich was fine by me. The way I saw it I was just giving her something she needed... I could make her orgasm 3-4 times in a row, in the morning AND in the afternoon.

She also said they never really talk, not like she talked to me. Because apparently he is not that good at talking.

 

 

Things were just happening fast. At some point we could not deny we were in love with eachother. The first phonecall happened. She wanted to hear my voice at every opportunity, created opportunities.

Then next thing happens... After doing the 'morning-afternoon' thing on the phone, she really could not be held back and just had to see me. I felt the same way, so we met up that evening in a hotel.

 

 

The next four weeks were amazing. We met up regularly, she would make excuses at home. I could really make her orgasm like 10 times in an hour, and once we had like 6 hours together and it was like 30 times (her count, not mine... she lost track of count at some point). I am including this, because while I certainly had no objections, it just struck me as a little weird.

In those 4 weeks I also met her kids (2 daughters, very young). I liked them, they liked me. Despite her having said she loved her husband, and never breaking up her family, we fantasized about how it would be together.

 

 

This whole thing happened over the course of 3 months, with the last month being PA. That last week, the last time we saw eachother, we said we loved eachother. When she said it she cried and said 'I'm not allowed to say that'.....That last week was also the week her guilt really set in (it was there already) and became overwhelming for her.

 

 

So 3 weeks ago when I called her I could tell something was up. Eventually she cried, she said she couldn't do it anymore, could not handle the guilt and the double live. We had to stop. It was difficult to hear how torn up she was, and I agreed. I made her promise to talk to the husband that things had to change, and she did.

That week she was still texting me before going to sleep (this coming down from morning till night). We still said we loved eachother, missed eachother. That sunday, after thinking about it all, I decided to write her a letter/email to tell her how I felt. And that I wanted her to have what she wanted (wich was her family clearly), as long as she doesn't stick around in a situation that does not give her what she wants and needs. She asked if this was goodbye, I said I guess it is. So this was almost a week after 'the decision'

 

 

3 days later I just couldn't help myself, texted her I missed her. We talked a bit, and she apparently perceived the email as me breaking up with her (?) and she said that from that moment on the strong in love feeling was gone, but she still loved me. I was baffled, but thought of some rational explanations like her shutting down her feelings (because she does have very intense feelings).

 

 

Sunday a week ago she was in bed, texted me again. Said she was thinking about me and the way she felt when I held her. I asked how that made her feel, said that she was special to me. She said that now she has her husband and kids to make her feel special, and that she has everything she wants (short version of it, she didn't say it 'like that' but did use those words).

 

 

So yes, I guess I'm out of the picture. And just trying to deal with the feelings I have left. And seeing the husband online every day (making me think not much has changed there, but ok...)

[Starswillshine]

She introduced you to her children? What is wrong with people? That is immaturity, lack of self control, selfishness and all sorts of messed up things in between.

 

Yeah, probably not much has changed at home beciase his wife has been involved with someone else. I'm sure that was what he was doing while she was spending all day and night texting you. And while she is throwing herself a pity party trying to get over this mess that you both created, I'm sure he is on his game not knowing what else to do.

 

It always astounds me when the other person comes on here griping about the BS not changing... as if the WS is so amazing and deserving of the royal treatment. Dude, she had an affair. This doesnt make her great, deserving, etc. She is weak, lacks all sorts of boundaries, low self esteem, etc. Do you really want a woman who can deal with her own problems? And furthermore, because things arent great, she is so weak to NEED attention from some man to feel better?

 

Ok, off my rant.

[BaileyB]

This woman is twenty years younger than you, married, with young children...

 

What are you doing involving yourself in her marriage? I mean really, this is about so much more than a few orgasms. It may be a nice boost to your ego that you can give her multiple orgasms, but a woman does not leave her husband and break up her family for a few orgasms. It’s time to move on, this woman is needed by her family.

 

ETA - I didn’t realize that she introduced you to her her children. Well, if she showed poor judgment to engage in an affair and focus on texting/spending time with you rather than caring for her children... introducing her children to her affair partner is an astoundingly poor decision. Surely you are old enough and have lived life enough to have better judgment than this, sir.

Edited December 17, 2018 by BaileyB

[FMW]

I'm pretty sure you're not done with each other, this isn't over. You're deep into it and have all the thoughts and feelings that prove that.

 

You know it's a bad situation, nothing good can come of it. The only way you will see this clearly is to stop all contact with her. Absolutely all - no text to say hi occasionally. Nothing. Then it will be like an addiction to cigarettes or alcohol, you'll have to power through the cravings for a period of time before you can move on.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you'll use the feedback to help you move along. Staying stuck in a dead end situation like this is such a destructive waste of time and energy. The longer you let it go on the harder it is to get out.

[TooBad]

Thank you for the comments so far.

 

 

Yes, mentioning the orgasms seems odd, but it was ment as a clear example of her intense feelings and emotions. Because to me, it isn't normal. There was more behaviour pointing to an intensity I have never seen, like the overwhelming guilt or the way she seemingly could not stop herself from wanting me, but to me this was the most clear. The affair itself was not about that, it was part of it.

 

I most certainly don't need an ego boost, since I'm well aware of my sexual capabilities. And a 20 year age difference to me is nothing special (It is the max though, if I can draw that line when it comes to it).

 

As to us being done.... I think we are. I need to have a purpose in a relationship. I like to make someone happy. That purpose was gone the moment she said she has everything she wants. True or not, I'm taking her word for it or at least am trying to.

[elaine567]

You may be an OM but spend some time reading all the OW stories here.

You will find a lot of similarities.

You won't listen I guess, but stay away.

The path you have chosen does not lead to a fairy tale ending, it usually leads to misery and madness...

[NotADayGoesBy]

Thank you for the comments so far.

 

 

Yes, mentioning the orgasms seems odd, but it was ment as a clear example of her intense feelings and emotions. Because to me, it isn't normal. There was more behaviour pointing to an intensity I have never seen, like the overwhelming guilt or the way she seemingly could not stop herself from wanting me, but to me this was the most clear. The affair itself was not about that, it was part of it.

 

I most certainly don't need an ego boost, since I'm well aware of my sexual capabilities. And a 20 year age difference to me is nothing special (It is the max though, if I can draw that line when it comes to it).

 

As to us being done.... I think we are. I need to have a purpose in a relationship. I like to make someone happy. That purpose was gone the moment she said she has everything she wants. True or not, I'm taking her word for it or at least am trying to.

 

If you spend some time reading posts on here, this intensity will become clear. Affairs are extremely intense in a way that normal relationships are not and can not be. It's why they are so devastating when they end. I've had intense sexual chemistry with other lovers in the past (and I didn't marry until I was in my mid 30s), but nothing like what I experienced with xAP and he agreed (I'm your age, he is 56). Ditto for the emotional intensity.

 

Thanks for posting your OM story, they are few and far between.

[FoundMyStrength]

If you spend some time reading posts on here, this intensity will become clear. Affairs are extremely intense in a way that normal relationships are not and can not be. It's why they are so devastating when they end. I've had intense sexual chemistry with other lovers in the past (and I didn't marry until I was in my mid 30s), but nothing like what I experienced with xAP and he agreed (I'm your age, he is 56). Ditto for the emotional intensity.

 

Thanks for posting your OM story, they are few and far between.

 

 

Agreed. There's something about the push-pull, could end at any moment, illicit nature of affairs that heightens the sexual chemistry and emotional intensity. My xMM wasn't even attractive and I wanted him in a way I've never wanted anyone before. And I felt addicted to him emotionally in a way I never felt before.

 

 

 

TooBad, you need to end this thing. As others have said, you have no idea the pain an affair has in store for you. I'm two years out, mostly healed, and STILL f*cked up about it. And, honestly, I'm a pretty well adjusted human who's survived a lot in my life. This broke me. It breaks everyone.

[TooBad]

I think people are overlooking 2 things:

 

 

- I said that after when I sent her the email she said 3 days later that the strong in love feeling was gone after that.

- She has said she has everything she wants and I have not heard from her in more than a week, and so I recon this is the end of the line.

 

 

So as far as I'm concerned, it has ended. I'm just trying to deal with my feelings about the whole thing.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Agreed. There's something about the push-pull, could end at any moment, illicit nature of affairs that heightens the sexual chemistry and emotional intensity. My xMM wasn't even attractive and I wanted him in a way I've never wanted anyone before. And I felt addicted to him emotionally in a way I never felt before.

 

Oh my God, this. My xOM literally looks like a walking unmade bed but it didnÂ’t matter. I still wanted/ want him with a searing intensity.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I think people are overlooking 2 things:

 

 

- I said that after when I sent her the email she said 3 days later that the strong in love feeling was gone after that.

- She has said she has everything she wants and I have not heard from her in more than a week, and so I recon this is the end of the line.

 

 

So as far as I'm concerned, it has ended. I'm just trying to deal with my feelings about the whole thing.

 

Maybe she was telling the truth. But judging by what I’ve read on here and my own experience, she is probably trying to do the right thing and end it, and is doing a 180 to make that easier. Even if she got a hard dose of reality and knows she has no intention of ever leaving her husband, it doesn’t mean her feelings evaporated over night. My guess is she is struggling to get over you too.

[snowcones]

3 months is a long time to keep orgasming 10 times an hour. She's probably tired.

[standtall]

10 orgasm an hour? yea....

 

As far as banging a married woman...play with fire and ....you get the rest.

[BourneWicked]

Oh my God, this. My xOM literally looks like a walking unmade bed but it didnÂ’t matter. I still wanted/ want him with a searing intensity.

 

hahahaha. Thanks for the laugh today

 

I try to tell myself that the one in my situation is fat, which he probably is by BMI standards, but he's unfortunately pretty good looking and takes care of his looks.

[FMW]

I think people are overlooking 2 things:

 

 

- I said that after when I sent her the email she said 3 days later that the strong in love feeling was gone after that.

- She has said she has everything she wants and I have not heard from her in more than a week, and so I recon this is the end of the line.

 

 

So as far as I'm concerned, it has ended. I'm just trying to deal with my feelings about the whole thing.

 

Nope. We aren't overlooking anything. We've been there. You'll find out.

[misspalmy]

tell her husband

[RecentChange]

Affair sex is intense? Nooooooo you don't say?!

 

Been there, done that, got the T shirt.

 

But I had enough insight to realize intensity of emotions in illict affairs does not equal love.... No, it's not that enduring sickness and health thing, it's a wash of hormones. Of extreme ego stroking. Of fantasy derived from secret messages, open lust and an illict nature.

 

I am sure you would get a nice dopamine rush everytime you saw that you got a message from her. Like Pavlov's dog, we drool at the thought.

 

But it is what is it. An illict fling. Jacked up in intensity due to it's very nature. That's how it works.

 

Did you two at least have enough sense to use condoms?

[NotADayGoesBy]

3 months is a long time to keep orgasming 10 times an hour. She's probably tired.

 

My laugh of the day!

[Aqulesco]

What do you do when the phone rings and its her husband

[TooBad]

What do you do when the phone rings and its her husband

 

 

 

Why should I worry about that even ? I consider her and me done, I don't think she has that much guilt left judging by what she said in her last messages 2 weeks ago, and absolutely no one knows or saw.

 

 

But to entertain your question; If her husband calls, I will probably first tell him I want to speak to her first. And then I shall answer whatever question he might have, in a normal fashion.

[TooBad]

She lied to her husband, the man she choose over you and the love you shared, yet she never lied to you? I'm guessing that is highly unlikely. Like OP I think you deep down know different but have yet to reach the point were you are willing to accept it.

 

 

 

I didn't want to hijack the thread this was in, so I kinda 'moved' this....

 

 

But yes I do believe she didn't lie to me. There really was no reason. She was torn up about the fact that she loved both me and him, could no longer look him in the eye in the morning, and felt she needed to make a decision to stay with her family and work on her marriage. I just accepted it and that's it.

 

 

I have not heard from her in 3 weeks, I can see there are some changes there because her husband is ingame less, and whatever else I think about that I basicly accept as being irrelevant.

 

 

The only thing she might have lied about to me is when she said she has everything she wants, during our last exchange of messages. Because to me, change doesn't happen overnight.

However, she said it, and I accept it. It means my purpose in her live has become obsolete.

 

 

I was expecting more mixed feelings or something for myself, wich is why I posted my story. So I wouldn't have to start explaining when 'it hit me'. But so far, so good.

[Giraffe-A]

It’s the same scenario wherher you’re the OM or OW. You are essentially filling a void in their marriage. Once they have their fill, they carry on with the person they have a family with. You’re looking at this as if sex is all that defines their relationship. She’s letting you know by letting you go she realizes there’s more to her marriage than a record breaking orgasm party.

 

She introduced her kids to you. Do you know how sleezy that is especially after she said she would not be dropping her husband for you? These kids know what’s going on. That’s the image they will have of their mother. That and being a full grown adult playing online video games like a child. []

Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content and paragraphs

[TooBad]

It’s the same scenario wherher you’re the OM or OW. You are essentially filling a void in their marriage. Once they have their fill, they carry on with the person they have a family with. <snip> That and being a full grown adult playing online video games like a child. []

 

 

 

I thought about it for a couple of days, if I should respond to this or not, and how…..

 

 

First of all, maybe it's what I told or the way I told it that makes you think I look at it as sex defines a relationship. I do not. I said it in another thread, I was giving her emotional support concerning her mom and other issues, I picked out her kids gifts… I was doing everything I would do in a normal relationship, I just wasn't with her all the time. For me, that fact by itself is not a problem. Neither was her being with her husband and having sex with him.

 

 

Second, the kids…. She also said before we met face to face or even really spoke on the phone that she would never cheat on her husband (so in other words, we would never meet face to face because by then it was already clear to both of us what would happen). Relationships are dynamic, not static. What she or anyone sais and considers the truth now might not be so weeks or months later. To me, having me meet her kids and also informing me about their finances for example was... well, moving forward. I accepted everything she said, always. I believed her when she said she would never cheat (even though I myself already considered the sexting cheating). I didn't push it, I didn't ask for it. I just let happen what would happen... I'm certainly not a doormat, but I don't try to control everything either.

 

 

Third, playing online games. You either get it or you don't. If you never done it, you won't. To me it's no different from being a couch potatoe and watching TV every night. What else would be childish, having model trains maybe? Wich aspect makes this childish? It's my social outlet. I'm not that social, I don't go out, I don't do facebook... And I don't watch TV all night.

Plenty of couples are playing online games together. In an age range of 18-70. Then again ofcourse you're entitled to your opinion.

Edited January 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[OJK]

Hi,

 

I am in the same boat. In fact my affair also lasted just 3 months and she also felt the guilt. I just turned 30 and she is 26 with a 7 month old baby.

 

I really don't know what I can say to you to make you feel better because I am also struggling here to keep up. Just like that one day she ends us because she couldn't live the double life and was starting to feel guilty.

 

In my case, she wouldn't even leave her husband who was abusive towards her, a drug addict, alcoholic and a rapist (forced her into bed a couple of times). Even after everything he did (or does) with her she never had the courage to leave him. I wondered why and then I knew. It was because of their baby. She thought perhaps one day he will change and wanted to mend her marriage. Just like you, I also accepted everything she wanted.

 

The divorce was unlikely because back home her older sister was already living divorced with her 14 year old daughter and her dad has a heart condition. Her dad wouldn't had been able to cope with another daughter getting a divorce. It looks like there was no way out for her. She also had feelings for me, was it love ? I would never know but she still choose to lock me out from her life.

 

I forced her to delete my contact because I was not able to do it myself. She hesitated but in the end I had to convince her that this was the only way for me to move on.

 

Do I miss her ? Yes, every single day and its just been 4 days now. But something that she said to me, I perhaps would always remember that: I still have the chance to find someone and have my own children with. Despite what I feel for you, it would be unfair of me to string you along as I never might have the courage to leave him.

 

So I think we both learnt our lesson. If it's ever meant to be it'll happen. But I guess waiting around for someone is quite pointless. Probably moving on is the best and safest option, who knows we might find someone better and single.

 

I would rather be with someone who is willing to jump fences for me and not with someone who sits on fences and thinks, should I jump or not ? In both our cases, both woman sat on the fences and thought and decided not to jump. I can't just be an option, I have to be someone's priority!

Edited January 3, 2019 by OJK

[TooBad]

I'm sorry to bring this up here, but I've read your other posts (all of them) and I can't identify myself with you, nor my situation with yours.

 

 

Your reason for accepting things are very different from mine. Even the fact that you felt the need to have her delete your contact info tells that.

 

 

I'm also not really struggling. I don't feel good about it either, and I am thinking about her more the past few days. But struggling… No. I have her 'old' curtains hanging in my living room. I come home from work, I see them, I smile. But I don't go browsing through pictures of her or anything.

I guess I just don't dwell on things. Admittedly I expected to feel 'more', being hit harder. It might still come, it might not.