Am I Right? Or Am I Wrong?

[L0nely]

Let me get this off my chest right now. I HATE MY HUSBAND! Ok, let’s get started. I'm in my early 30s, been with husband for 9 years, we have a 3 years old and a 1 year old child.

 

When we first met, we both were skinny. After having kids, we both gained weight a bit; not obesity level but enough around the stomach to grab a handful. Husband almost never touched my stomach when we were skinny. After the weight gained, he always grabs my stomach whenever he gets a chance to. I would either defend or grab his stomach back, which he never allows me to either. The husband likes to play this stupid game which I've always hated it but i put up with it. This game of his is getting out of hand now a days.

 

Example 1: While eating at a restaurant yesterday, he would constantly use his feet to touch my stomach from under the table. Imagine this, 1 hand i'm holding the baby, the other hand i'm trying to eat with. I would have to constantly stop eating to block his feet. This bugs the hell out of me. He's like a kid that won’t stop until someone cries. Anyways, eventually i got too annoyed and said, "touch me 1 more time, i'll flick this food at ur face". Then he gets his bowl of noodle soup and says "you flick that and i'll pour this on ur face. Let do it. I dare you. do it. No? Just talk." The whole time he was still touching his feet on my stomach. I backed down because I know his personality. I know he would actually pour the whole bowl of noodle soup onto my head. Knowing how he is with me, I wanted to cry right there but I held myself back from crying because I didn't want to make a scene at a restaurant we go to often. (If you're wondering why I didn't just put the baby on highchair or let him hold the baby. Well, baby hates the highchair and he hates holding the baby. When he does, he holds the baby weirdly to get him to cry. Once baby crying, he gives baby right back to me anyways.). I know his personality. His personality is that he MUST win at everything and he is NEVER wrong at anything ever. He MUST WIN, nothing is his fault. He bugs me, but it’s MY FAULT for FEELING like I’m bugged. Question is, was it my fault? Was I right or was I wrong? Please help me understand.

 

He is a person that likes to have music or noise playing while he sleeps. I like my sleep to be peace and quiet. There was no music playing when we were at our old 1 story house. (Not because he honored my sensitivity for sleeping, but because his speakers were far away from the bedroom.) Ever since we've moved into a house with 2 floors and his speakers were right next to the bedroom, he started to have music on while he sleeps. I can’t stand that. So we came to a conclusion that I move to a different floor to sleep. We've haven't slept together for a couple of months now.

 

Example 2: Just yesterday, when the baby and I sleeping in my room. (Not bugging the hubby right? No that’s too ****ing peaceful. Can’t have peace in this house.) Husband came into the room and starts grabbing my stomach. I whispered “go away, baby and me sleeping.” He goes “Shhhhhhhhhhhh” and bugs me some more. Then I said “go away let me sleep.” Then the light sleeper baby wakes up and cries. I simply said “see you woke up the baby”. I said 1 ****ing line. He responded with a whole ****ing essay. He said, “No retarded, you woke up the baby. I haven’t said a word ever since I came in here. You’re the one who spoke first to wake him up. But you’re too retarded to figure that out. That’s why you’re ham dia. Ham dia people are retarded. Go buy some ham and eat that only because that’s what you are. A retard. So stupid.” Then he leaves the room. (Ham dia is like a bad term to call someone in viet.) I cried myself quietly because that hurted so much. He calls me retarded and stupid a total of 5 times when he KNOWS how I feel about being called that. He simple doesn’t care no more. But once again, he doesn’t think it’s his fault and it’s my fault for FEELING like I’m bugged. Question is, was it my fault? Was I right or was I wrong?

 

He makes a 6 figure salary and mostly works from home. I am a stay at home mom. So I don’t make money. When I did work before having kids, I would occasionally (not often) buy myself clothes here and there at Ross. (Not even high end brand clothes.) Ever since I stopped working because of kids, I’ve totaling stopped spending on myself unless absolutely necessary. I know to not use too much of his money. For the shoes, clothes, handbags, jewelry, I get them hand-me-downs from sis and mom. I do spend on household items but he still calls them crap. I spend on makeup (got to look at least presentable right?) and skincare like lotions. (He complains about my skincare spending a lot.) In general, I don’t have a buttload of anything. Lately though, I’ve been buying something that he absolutely hates. Read further.

 

Example 3: I did not spend on toys when our daughter was 1 or 2 years old because I think that is still a lil too young to love a toy. They may like toys but they’re not attached to it. Now she’s 3 years old. A 3 years old girl will start to like things like ponies. Ponies are her absolute fav right now. As a mother, I want her to be happy. Her eyes light up brighter than Christmas lights when she sees ponies. So I bought her the ponies. A set of 9 ponies for $16. Her father makes $100K/year, doesn’t want her to have ponies. For the past year, I’ve bought her toys here and there. Mostly from the dollar store because I can’t afford more than that without her father being a bitch about it. Anyways, I’ve added up all the toys that I’ve ever bought for her over this year. It came up to be a total of ****ing $83. That is wayyyyyyyyyyy too ****ing much for her father to afford. He actually MADE me promise that I would NEVER buy another toy for our kids EVER AGAIN. Then he goes on about cutting my credit cards to make sure I don’t buy more “crap”. From his standpoint, he likes to save money for emergencies like lawsuits, mortgage, bills, paying people back. He is also relying on getting lots of toys from his uncle who has 2 SONS. BECAUSE HIS UNCLE’S SONS WILL HAVE PONIES RIGHT?! He thinks buying toys for kids is a huge waste of money since they only play with it for a lil bit and grows out of it. I AGREE (to a degree.) I also wouldn’t spend on expensive toys because it can add up a lot in the end. I UNDERSTAND THAT. Anyways, that’s his standpoint. Now at MY standpoint, it’s not like I’m spending HUNDREDS or THOUSANDS of dollars on toys. $83 for the whole year. Yes I know that buying more $1 dollar here and there will add up later, but is that too unreasonable???? He always say that if only he made more money, paid everything off and no debt, then I can spend on toys. BUT BY THAT TIME COMES, OUR KIDS MIGHT NOT BE KIDS NO MORE. She’s only 3 years old ONCE in her lifetime. If she loves ponies, is it any harm to buy some CHEAP ponies so she can enjoy being a 3 years old? It’s not like we’re just barely scraping by, living from paycheck to paycheck. We’re not rich, but we’re comfortable. So is a few dollars on your own kid so bad???? PLEASE TELL ME which standpoint is more reasonable??? (Side note: Next time I see my mom, I’m ask her for 100$ which I know she will easily willing give me, then I’m pay my husband back. That should cover for the $83 I’ve ever spent on toys. It can be like grandma buying them those toys instead. As long as it’s not chipping money from his pocket for his own kids toys. ) Anyways, since I promised him already, I won’t be able to see the look in my daughters eyes when she sees a new pony; and that was my happiness. I think he just took away a part of my happiness. He will never understand that or even understand me. Question is, AM I WRONG? AM I RIGHT? There’s so much more in this relationship that I have to put up with.

 

He is a person who believes a man should have multiple wives. He says that’s how they did it in biblical times with kings, queens, and that’s how it should be today. If 1 wife is bothered today, then he goes to the next wife. He brings up my brother as an example. My brother has somewhat 2 wives. The first wife is divorced on paper, and the new wife is married on paper to him. The old wife, however, just accepts sharing him with the new wife. The new wife also knows that he goes back to old wife to bang. Both wives lives separate houses, so my brother just moves back and forth between them. He has 1 child with each wife. What I’m going to say next is absolutely hilarious.

 

Example 4: So my husband is a bothering/annoying type right? I put up with it. This is how it goes almost EVERYDAY, the same procedure, same dialogue. Imagine this, I’m minding my own business, he comes over to me, grabs my fat belly. As usual, I would defend or try to grab back. Eventually when I get too annoyed and frustrated, I yell STOP IT. He then says “Well get me a second wife then, that way I can bug her instead of you. There’s 2 floors in this house. 1 live upstairs and 1 live downstairs. EASY. PROBLEM SOLVED, Mike (my bro) does that.” Then I would say, “You want 2 wives, then go find 2 wives and I’ll be happy to go.” He then says, “No you stay, it’ll be fun. No housework for you, I won’t bug you then u won’t be frustrated. I’ll bug the other wife.” I would say “It doesn’t work that way, I’m not sharing.” He then goes “Well then don’t’ be annoyed.” (He always have-to have the last words. He MUST win remember.) Its funny isn’t it, how he thinks I would just ACCEPT someone else in the relationship. I’m not even joking with you, it’s the same conversation, same dialogue ALMOST EVERYDAY. (If you’re wondering why don’t I just let him grab the belly and not let him have the satisfaction of annoying me? I’ve tried that. It’s very hard being done than said. Besides he’s an annoying person, he’ll find some other way to annoy me (like name calling) so that wouldn’t solve anything. It’s just his personality that I have to put up with.) Not only that, most of the other conversation always ends up him mentioning a 2nd wife as well. Not only is it annoying to hear since it’s almost every day, it also hurts a lil EVERY TIME, EVERYDAY. A little pain here and there, adds up a lot in the end doesn’t it. I”ve cried countless times over this feeling. I’ve told him to stop mentioning it and it does hurts my feelings, and if he really wants 2 wives, just do it and I’ll leave. NOPE he’s NOT going to stop mentioning it. Therefore, he doesn’t care about my feelings, I’m easily replaced, and it’s his world and I’m just his toy.

 

 

(Side note: our 3 years old daughter calls me either “STINKY” or “ANIMAL” whichever/whenever she hears the dad calls me that. I’ve told him to stop calling me those names and it hurts my feelings, but as usual, he simply doesn’t care about my feelings. To this day, I’ve tried telling him to call me something different LIKE MY NAME. But he says that’s too normal and he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t care if I don’t like it. Only HIS liking matters. (When we first got together, he calls me “bunny” which I think is cute. But as time goes by, he says “bunny” doesn’t suits me no more. He says “ANIMIAL” suits me more because of my raging. I ONLY RAGE BECAUSE HE ANNOYS ME FIRST. I call him “Ty” which is his family name. His dad and others also call him that.)) He wasn’t a bugging/annoying type of person in the beginning. It just happens out of nowhere 1 day. Now tell me, is it just ME that’s being annoyed and it’s not really his fault? Am I wrong? Am I right? AM I CRAZY?!!!!

[pepperbird]

pffttt...your husband sounds like a fool. "the kings and queens times had many wives" in biblical times?

 

 

Well, "in biblical times" cousins and even brothers and sisters used to get married. Is he in favour of that too, since, according to him if it's in the bible, it has to be good?

[salparadise]

So, how's the sex?

 

 

 

 

I agree that he's pretty annoying, and has no redeeming value, based on all that you've said. So why not just let him go for that second wife, and send you and the kids two-thirds of that six figure salary? It doesn't sound salvageable to me.

[L0nely]

So, how's the sex?

 

 

 

 

I agree that he's pretty annoying, and has no redeeming value, based on all that you've said. So why not just let him go for that second wife, and send you and the kids two-thirds of that six figure salary? It doesn't sound salvageable to me.

 

 

 

 

The sex is barely which is actually fine for the both of us. He's an annoying person yes, but not a physically abusive person. I believe only an abusive person is a deal breaker, only then i must leave. But for now, I want my kids to have both parents. None of us wants to be the first person to leave. Maybe we're just waiting for each other to leave first, and it goes in an endless cycle of waiting.

[BaileyB]

He's an annoying person yes, but not a physically abusive person. I believe only an abusive person is a deal breaker, only then i must leave. But for now, I want my kids to have both parents. None of us wants to be the first person to leave. Maybe we're just waiting for each other to leave first, and it goes in an endless cycle of waiting.

 

Well, that is certainly your choice but it is a terrible way to live. I don’t imagine that his behavior will change if there is no consequence to him.

 

Good luck to you.

[d0nnivain]

If you hate your husband & stay with him what message does that send your kids? They will grow up in a house where dad picks on mommy, mommy is economical dependent on daddy, they get no toys & mommy & dad sleep in separate rooms. With that as their example how do you expect them to be happy, healthy functioning adults? Abuse is more then physical

[Mr. Lucky]

But for now, I want my kids to have both parents.

 

I guess you'd hate to have your kids miss out on any of this wonderful parenting:

 

he hates holding the baby. When he does, he holds the baby weirdly to get him to cry. Once baby crying, he gives baby right back to me anyways.

 

Why are you waiting to be forced out? This isn't Game of Thrones, it's your - and your kid's - life. Time to take control and find a healthier situation...

 

Mr. Lucky

[L0nely]

 

Why are you waiting to be forced out?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yes maybe I am waiting to be forced out. Maybe that way I can finally say that I did try everything, from sticking to him... to putting up with his bull****s. I can finally say that it's not my fault that the relationship ended. He thinks that everything is my fault, no matter what. Well if he forces me out to end it, then the ending is NOT my fault. He has to admit that it's his fault. Just maybe.

[Wallysbears]

This all sounds very immature.

 

You are in your 30's?

 

Who is kicking at people's stomachs in a restaurant while a family is eating? Just eew. What kind of restaurants do you guys go to?

 

What about common decency and respect for those around you that are also paying to enjoy a meal?

 

This is the kind of stuff I would expect from kids or maybe even teenagers that don't know how to appropriately behave in public but not from grown adults with children.

 

And then to have him calling you names to the point where your toddler is now saying it because they've been so exposed to it?

 

There is something SERIOUSLY wrong here. Like dysfunctional levels of wrong. Is there mental illness involved? Addiction? None of this makes sense and is just really really inappropriate and immature.

[L0nely]

This all sounds very immature.

 

You are in your 30's?

 

Who is kicking at people's stomachs in a restaurant while a family is eating? Just eew. What kind of restaurants do you guys go to?

 

What about common decency and respect for those around you that are also paying to enjoy a meal?

 

This is the kind of stuff I would expect from kids or maybe even teenagers that don't know how to appropriately behave in public but not from grown adults with children.

 

And then to have him calling you names to the point where your toddler is now saying it because they've been so exposed to it?

 

There is something SERIOUSLY wrong here. Like dysfunctional levels of wrong. Is there mental illness involved? Addiction? None of this makes sense and is just really really inappropriate and immature.

 

 

I know it's like I married a man-child. I absolutely don't like it either but have to put up with it everyday for the past 3 years. Apparently he's not mentally ill; he's just super immature and controlling. I was wondering if any other women have the same husband behavior as mine.

[Wallysbears]

Sorry, my husband doesn't act anything like this. I wouldn't tolerate it.

[d0nnivain]

Just because he says everything is your fault does not mean that is true. You have to understand people like him never acknowledge their own role in the failure of a relationship.

[preraph]

He sounds like an overgrown brat. Yuck. I don't know where you live, but if you divorced and made him either take the kids joint custody, you could work. If you have any support, you could work full-time. If you maintain primary custody, won't he have to pay child support and keep a roof over your head? I'm afraid you'll never get rid of this guy because he's the father of your children and it won't be easy sharing them, but it's better than putting up with him full-time. Giving him joint custody will keep him too busy between that and working to get multiple wives, and if he does, he'll lose custody and have to pay you more. Whatever you do, if you decide to leave, get an attorney so he doesn't just take advantage of you and play baby blackmail because he's childish enough to do so. Keep a log of his verbal insults and everything else. Dated log.

[lucky-girl]

The sex is barely which is actually fine for the both of us. He's an annoying person yes, but not a physically abusive person. I believe only an abusive person is a deal breaker, only then i must leave. But for now, I want my kids to have both parents. None of us wants to be the first person to leave. Maybe we're just waiting for each other to leave first, and it goes in an endless cycle of waiting.

 

He is abusive. This psychological abuse is just as bad, perhaps even worse than physical abuse because if you stay and let it happen you will eventually believe the awful things he says.

Do you really want your kids to grow up to be like him? - to disrespect you and their future partners?

 

Why do you not want to be the first to leave? Do you think you have to outlast him to "win"? Do you equate ending a marriage with failing? If so, drop this way of thinking and put your mental health and your kids first - leave him!

[pepperbird]

You stay with a man like him, and you'll teach your daughters to put up with it and your sons that it's how women are to be treated.

 

 

I'm sorry, but if you stay with this guy because your ego doesn't want you to be the first one to leave, then I have little sympathy for you. You are EXACTLY where you want to be( otherwise, you'd be investigating ways to separate from this man child), and until that changes, your life will remain just as it is.

[Mrs._December]

So, how's the sex?

Who cares.

 

So how long are you going to stay with your abuser?

[Mrs._December]

Yes maybe I am waiting to be forced out. Maybe that way I can finally say that I did try everything, from sticking to him... to putting up with his bull****s. I can finally say that it's not my fault that the relationship ended.

That's not why you stay with your abuser.

 

You stay because you're too afraid to actually do the hard work of leaving this fool. It's a huge life choice, and it's scary - we get it. So, you hide behind that old nonsense excuse about wanting to make sure you've given it all you've got. You've already gone above and beyond doing that, and you know it.

 

Time to move on.

[loversquarrel]

You had no idea this guy was like this before you married him?!?!?

 

He is not just immature but he is also abusive, like bully abusive. You are far to young to get yourself stuck in this kind of "relationship". Time to get out as his behavior is extremely arrogant and childish - not a good combination.

[IndigoNight]

Is there a reason in your culture that prevents you from leaving? If so, then I feel sorry for you, but most of all your children. What an unhealthy environment to be raised in.

 

As far has as him essentially calling you a pig, and telling you to go eat ham. I am sorry it upsetting to you. He may want to research pigs. They are as smart as, if not more intelligent that dogs, and often cleaner. He seems about as knowledgeable as a box of rocks, and as classless as a a jaxp)))).

 

You said you plan on borrowing money from your mother to pay him back for toys purchased for his child. Don't! Talk to your mother honestly, and have her purchase the toys for the child. Paying him back for providing for his own child is one of the most absurd things I have heard.

 

As for the baby not liking the highchair, let me guess, she cries and he gets mad so you pick her up. Letting her be upset in the highchair until she gets used it is normal, and healthy parenting. If you pick her up every time she cries to appease him, you are denying her developmental skills that teach her how to self soothe, and distinguishing wants from needs. You are not doing her any favors, or yourself, based on your description on how you raise your children, which he can barely stand contact with. Again, based on you explaining your situation.

 

I grew up around many cultures including Vietnamese, and while the parents were often strict, they never humiliated their spouses, and treated the children with love and respect. Buying presents was one way they showed their friends and families they weren't poor. They showed off, proudly, with a clean home and quality toys, etc. Your husband acts like he is broke, and saving every nickel to impress his family. They need to set his right, and tell him to support his family, and trsr you all with respect.

 

Or, maybe you just need to ask your family to help you and your children leave. Find a way to fix your situation. Get him to treat you and all of the children with dignity and kindness you deserve, or find a way to get him out, or move you and your children somewhere safe.

[Crazelnut]

This is some messed up psychological abuse. Do not continue to take it. You're pretty much already raising the kid on your own, so you might as well divorce him and get child support and alimony. If you aren't willing to leave, you need to accept the fact that this will be your life for the next 18-20 years.