Boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me, he's devastated? Mixed signals?

[seeingthisguy]

Hey everyone.

 

So a bit of background - my BF and I were together for just under two years and we currently live together. He's been sober since we started dating (he struggled with alcohol addiction prior to, still does). The last few months has been incredibly tough as he was depressed with not succeeding in his job, etc. That being said, the romance definitely took the back seat for the last month. I decided not to push the issue, because I wanted to give him a bit of space to sort out the things he was dealing with (work stress, some depression, etc). Other than the last couple of months, our relationship has been amazing. I love him, he is my best friend, and he would say the same about me.

 

He recently got promoted, and it seemed to pull him out of the rut he was in. That said, the promotion requires him to relocate for 4 months, so we decided to get a second place in the city he relocated to, and go back and forth. It's been about a month since he started the new job.

 

Last week, out of the blue, he told me that he thinks we should break up and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I was so shocked. He said he thought that over the last month the romance just hasn't been present (which I agree with, but as I stated earlier, wanted to wait until he was in a better head space to talk about it and get reconnected), and that he sees me as more of a friend (which also seems odd, as we'd both say our sex life was great). After he told me he wanted to split, I was devastated. That said, since stating that he wants to split, nothing seems to have changed. He still calls me 4-5 times a day, says that he still loves me, he says that he still wants to support me (both emotionally and financially), and he can't imagine his life without me. In fact, he's absolutely terrified that I'll cut him out of my life.

 

This sounds crazy, but I feel like he's going through something that's making him do this. I'm not sure if it's an insecurity, if he has commitment issues (I hear that's common around the 2 year mark), or maybe something to do with struggling with alcohol, but he seems absolutely gutted about the idea of our "break up" being an ACTUAL break up (e.g. dividing of the things, not talking, moving out, etc). He also doesn't want to tell anyone that we split - which seems even more bizarre; he didn't even tell his best friend that he was thinking about splitting with me.

 

If he feels so strongly about not losing me, why is he doing this? I love him to death, and I feel like he's making this choice for reasons I don't even think he understands.

 

Would love some insight. Cheers X

[ExpatInItaly]

Has he met someone else at his new workplace?

 

He has to understand that when you break up with someone, you cannot remain this closely in each other's lives. Dumpers often need to learn to live without the dumpee too, even if the romantic feelings are gone. He could also be offering all this as a way to ease his guilt for ending. I was once on the receiving end of that myself, after the end of a long-term relationship. Including the offer of financial support. I declined and started making plans to untangle our lives (we had lived together too) and go into separate homes.

 

I think he feels bad for hurting you, and doesn't want to lose your company, but something has clearly changed for him. In essence, he's not afraid of losing you as a romantic partner, but as a friend and support system for him. You are going to need to put some boundaries in place so that he gets what it means to be broken up and so that you have some space to accept and process his decision.

[elaine567]

He needs your support, he needs you as a friend, he needs somewhere to stay, BUT he wants to be free to date other people.

 

I know that when some alcoholics get clean and get their life back on track they become different people with different wants and needs. It is then not uncommon for them to dump those that "saved" them.