Ex Giving Mixed Messages, and Now Blocked Me

[Serenabelle]

I'm really struggling right now. My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago. We didn't speak for 4 weeks, and then started talking again. For the last month we've been talking almost every day, and even spoke on the phone several times. We had really great conversations, and he kept telling me that he was hopeful about us getting back together, that it was really nice to talk, but also that he didn't want to get back together right now. He graduated college last year, and I'm currently a senior. He feels like he has to focus on getting a job and everything else right now, and he also says that he wasn't always happy in the relationship. However, he has continued to give me these glimmers of hope by saying he could see it happening again, and I don't think he's done it to string me along, I think he really does feel that way. He truly is a kind person. He just seems to be conflicted.

 

Last weekend he said he thinks we still need space and he wanted to go back to not talking for a while. But then we ended up sleeping together, and he told me he loves me and misses me and it feels really right when we are together. Then a few days later he said he still really thinks we shouldn't talk for a while, because he doesn't want this right now, and he thinks we should try to let go of each other. I felt used, and got upset with him. How could he tell me he loves me and misses me and sleep with me and then want to cut off contact for months a few days later? I didn't expect us to get back together after sleeping together, I'm not even sure I want that at this moment, but I think it's cruel of him to cut off contact after doing what he did. I couldn't back off, and kept wanting him to explain his behavior, because I feel so confused and I feel awful about myself after all of this. Last night I was drunk and he ended up exploding over text at me, saying he doesn't know what to say anymore, he meant what he said about loving me but he doesn't want this right now, and telling me to move on. He's never told me to move on before, or gotten so upset. I feel like I pushed too far, because I woke up today and discovered that he blocked me on facebook, unfriended me on snapchat, and I believe blocked my number but I can't tell. I sent him an email earlier apologizing for pushing, and saying I really don't want to leave us in this place. It all sucks because I feel like he has had so much control. Also, I understand that it might seem like he has been using me, but I really believe he is genuine when he says he loves me and that he's hopeful about us. I just don't know what to do, I've never been blocked before, and I feel like I did something wrong now to be blocked, when all I did was try to express the fact that he hurt me. Do I still have any chance with him? Is there any way I could get unblocked? I just feel awful, and I hate the idea of leaving us in this place.

[Garcon1986]

Can you recall any arguments you two may have had? I'm sorry you are going through these rough times.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like boyfriend or ex is trying to do the impossible: he's trying to break up with you in a nice gentle way.

 

What he is blind about is that there is no nice and gentle way to tell someone you want to stop dating them. He foolishly slept with you ... well because he's a young guy ... and because he's trying to (however foolishly) reassure you that he thinks you are a great person ... Disclaimer: I did dumb stuff exactly like this when I was young. Yes, young guys can be that dumb, that clueless, that inconsiderate while thinking they're being kind.

 

Actually, not just young people. I had a middle-aged woman tell me she wanted to come to my place and hug me and cuddle me to break the news that she didn't want to date. I was like, this woman is socially out of it.

 

So here's a bit of wisdom that is mentioned a lot on this board and which I learned long before I came to this board ...

 

Mixed Signals = Person doesn't want to date us/wants to break up with us and so on.

 

One more time:

 

Mixed Signals = Person doesn't want to date us.

 

This truth applies even when there are more positive signals than negative signals.

 

Let's say signals 1, 2 & 3 & 4 (four signals) indicate the person wants to be with us ... and then signals 5 & 6 (only two signals) indicate they do not want to be with us ... the conclusion is still: they do NOT want to be with us.

 

When people want to date us, they make it TOTALLY UNMISTAKABLY CLEAR! And if they cannot make it clear that they totally want to date us, that itself is grounds for moving on.

 

Here's another truth: a guy having sex with a woman is NEVER a reliable sign of whether or not he wants to date that woman. The fact that he had sex with you does not in any way, shape or form, mean that he has changed his mind about breaking up with you. (And this likely applies to women as well.)

 

Time to set some boundaries ... tell him to stop trying to comfort you ... start the process of going No Contact with him ... Yes, there will likely be some tears and agony. But you'll get through it.

 

Start protecting yourself. You can do it. Sorry this guy is doing what he's doing. What you're going through unfortunately is an experience that many of us have gone through.

[Serenabelle]

Yes, I mean we've had plenty of minor arguments. Lately not so much, but he's just been giving me all these mixed messages.. So I guess the arguments have been about those messages.

[Serenabelle]

Also, @Lotsgoingon, thank you. I know you're right. I have got to let him go. I just thought, because he has continued to tell me he is hopeful about us trying again at some point, and because he told me he still loves me... I just thought maybe we would get back together. I realize sex doesn't equal reconciliation, it was more that he said he loves me repeatedly (not just during sex).

 

What is awful currently is being blocked. I don't understand going from telling someone you love them to blocking them in a period of a few days.

 

But thank you for what you said. It's very helpful to hear what you said about mixed signals, even though it sucks.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, the blocking sucks ... after intimate time especially.

 

Got my own story that I'll share (wrote this in another thread somewhere).

 

But my was early on in a relationship ... and in middle age! (So I didn't have the "excuse" of youth.) And I spent what I thought was an amazing weekend with a woman, making out, lying together on her sofa watching classic movies.

 

Just days of bliss ... and then ... on Tuesday ... she didn't return my texts or my calls ... I was worried that something had happened to her ... The idea didn't enter my mind that she was pulling away ...

 

She was pulling away ... I could not believe it when she finally called me ... and get this ... and against this is a middle-aged person. She wanted to do what your ex did ... She wanted to come over to my place and let us have intimate and close time ... where she is hugging and cuddling me ... to tell me that she wanted to stop.

 

Somehow, this woman thought that breaking up while cuddling with me would make the break easier. Of course it does no such thing. In fact, that would have only lowered my guard and left me totally emotionally open and not prepared (as much as one can prepare) for the oncoming blow.

 

I objected and told her to tell me what she was thinking right then and there--when I finally got her on the phone ... and she did. This woman and your bf could definitely do some learnin' on this stuff.

 

So I get how disorienting it is when people do this I love you ... I'll be tender with you ... and oh yeah, I want to break up with you thing.

 

It's like they think they can quietly sneak out of a relationship and the other person isn't going to notice!

[nolanola]

Serenabelle, I am so sorry you are hurting. It feels awful to be ignored and rejected. You opened your heart to this person and he took that heart and then rejected you. I have been there and I think a lot of us have. We've slept with someone we're still in love with because we love them and want to be close to them, only to feel used and cast aside afterwards.

 

Right now, you're in the acute phase of things. This is the worst because it's so fresh and it's kind of like trying to get off drugs or something. You crave contact and feel anxious and stressed all the time. It is very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, there is one...I promise.

 

I would advise you to start NC. He is actively pushing you to do this by blocking you and I say give him what he wants. Or what he thinks he wants. Use this to motivate you. If he wants you to go away...then go away. Do not answer when he calls or texts. And I highly suspect he will. Maybe not right away, but after the emotion of all this has cooled down. DO NOT ANSWER.

 

I struggle with boundaries too but we are worth more than this BS. Stand up for yourself. I know you worry about what he thinks about you and I can relate to that. You don't want to leave things in a bad place because it will ruin chances for reconciliation, right? By continuing to talk to him, you're doing the same thing. You're teaching him he can treat you however he wants and you'll still be there. As time goes by, people tend to forget the bad things and to soften. He will likely forget the ugliness. It might take a long time, but he will. So don't sit and stress about whether he hates you.

 

Focus on backing off, no matter what you have to do to motivate yourself. Let him see what it's like without you around.

[stillafool]

Your ex does love you but probably is no longer "in love" with you. He may be thinking if you guys spent time apart he might fall back in love with you. He had sex with you because feelings are there, he's horny and he went for it. If you are honest you probably wanted him to so I don't think you got used. Your mistake was not going strict NC on him when he first told you he wanted a break. He was trying to do a nice break up which is impossible these days. Now he has blocked you because he is tired of talking about it. Don't reach out to him or he will be really annoyed, just leave him alone. If he changes his mind he will contact you.

[fromheart]

Never tolerate mixed signals. Life is too short. Clear connections only.

 

It never works with an ex, they are your ex for a reason. Know it doesn't make it any easier on the short term, but long term this will make sense and give you strength.

[Serenabelle]

@Nolanola, thank you for your response. I think the hardest thing for me right now is that I cannot seem to stop blaming myself. I feel like I pushed him to block me because I couldn't accept that he didn't want to talk after telling me he loved me and sleeping with me. You're right, I have to go NC, and I did do NC for the first 30 days after the breakup. It's just now that all of this has happened, in some ways it's even harder. I have never been blocked by anyone before, and I've never even blocked anyone myself (not even an ex who cheated on me and was horrible after the breakup). His reaction just feels so extreme. Even when he was saying that he wanted to go back to not talking, it wasn't that he didn't want me in his life. He just said he thought space would be good. I just couldn't get myself to stop pushing him to answer questions because it was so upsetting to have him be intimate and say he loved me and then cut me out.

 

I know I have to let him go. I know I have to have more respect for myself. It's just hard not to blame myself for this. You're right, I don't want to leave things in a bad place because I feel like it would ruin any chances for a future, or even just for a friendship again. He was my best friend before we dated too. We were in a good place literally a week ago, I don't get how it goes from that to him blocking me so quickly, or how he can behave like this towards me if he really cares about me like he says he does. Is it my fault for pushing him? I don't know.

 

@stillafool, yeah. I can't even reach out to him besides email anyway. He has literally blocked me on everything at this point I think. All I did was have what I think was a natural reaction to the situation, and I didn't even get angry at him. I just couldn't drop it. He's not an ******* but he sure is acting like one right now. I am just shocked that he's doing this to me, and really having trouble not blaming myself for it.

[nolanola]

I totally understand. For the longest time, I didn't want to break things off in a bad way with my recent ex. I was still in love with him and I held out hope that we would get back together, so we stayed "friends". When I would get upset about something, I wouldn't tell him how I really felt because I wanted things to be on good terms between us. And, as a result, I let him string me along for a really long time. Until I got so upset I couldn't keep it in anymore and the flood gates opened. I sometimes sit and worry about what he thinks about me after that -- does he think I'm "crazy" or hormonal or something? Is he talking to his new girlfriend (or whatever she is) about me? It sucks. BUT...I was hurt and that was what came out of me. I was human and I needed to let him know he hurt me. That's ok.

 

He jerked you around. He might not be a terrible person, but he treated you badly in this case. He should not have slept with you if he knew there was no future there. That was crappy on his part. And it's ok that you were upset about that. I would have been too. Don't be angry at yourself. You were hurt and responded in a human way.

 

I do believe that he will probably soften a bit over time, especially if you were friends first. My therapist is a big believer in NC and she advises 90 days minimum. She says that if someone is truly your friend, 90 days of not speaking won't cause them to not be your friend anymore. In a lot of cases, it allows the dust to settle and the emotions to die down a bit. I suspect that he will unblock you at some point. But, I still think staying NC for at least that amount of time is the best thing to do. He has said he doesn't want a relationship with you -- so give him what he wants. Give yourself some time to heal. I know how hard it is (BELIEVE me, I know) but at this point it's your dignity or this guy.

[Serenabelle]

Yeah, I guess because he has continued to also tell me he's hopeful that we could get back together, that part of him wants us to be back together... etc.... I've had a really hard time moving forward. But it's probably bull, if he truly wanted me he wouldn't be ok with letting me go at all... It wouldn't be a "well I'm hopeful about it but not right now" thing right?

 

He really did treat me badly. I do feel pretty strung along. I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar. Are you and that guy talking at all now? I think he will probably unblock me as well, it seems like he did this rashly, and out of anger.

 

I know I have to let him go. It's just crazy how awful this feels. I've been cheated on before, and for some reason this situation feels worse. I think maybe because I thought I could marry him, and he has continued to tell me he's hopeful, making it almost impossible for me to let go. And then to block me a week after sleeping with me and saying he loved me - that just seems so cruel and unwarranted. But it really shows me that he isn't the right person, at least not until he grows up a lot anyway, and I shouldn't be waiting on someone to grow up. It just all sucks.

 

Thank you for being so kind, honestly your advice has been really helpful, more so than a lot of my friends (because they're all just too angry at him to see clearly right now).

[nolanola]

I understand where you are coming from. With my most recent ex, I am not currently talking to him. He sent me a text about a month after I basically laid down my truth with him. It's a long story but I had been hanging around for about 2 years hoping he would decide to want to be in a serious relationship with me and basically just being crazy about him. I didn't want to stand up for myself because I didn't want to lose him or the possibility that we could be something. But then I saw some posts from this woman claiming to be his girlfriend and it just broke my heart. When I confronted him about it, he didn't confirm or deny it. So I still don't know. I decided to go NC and have been since that time. He sent me a message at Thanksgiving, but it was just saying that he hoped I had a good Thanksgiving and that he had read an article I wrote and had liked it. So nothing about breaking my heart. So I have not answered.

 

I think that sometimes we see things as black and white: meaning, this guy either wants to be with you or he doesn't. But it might not be so simple. He might have conflicting emotions too. I'm sure he cares about you, but he wasn't treating you right. And him being confused about whether he wants to be with you, either now or later, is not fair to you. So in a sense it doesn't matter whether he is confused or not. He isn't doing anything to try to get back together or to stop you from walking away. So it's not good enough.

 

My ex is a good person. Even though he really hurt me and has been a jerk at times in all this, he has good qualities. He's a great Dad and very kind in many other ways. He has shown great compassion at times. So I'm sure your ex is not totally a jerk, but he wasn't treating you right. And like you say, he needs to grow up and figure out what he wants. This is not likely to happen in a week or two.

 

I'm at about 7 weeks NC right now. It really does get easier, I promise. I still sit and think about it a lot and every now and then I have to talk myself down. But I'm not crying every day anymore. And I'm not as angry as I was. It's really fresh for you so it will take some time. Be kind to yourself. You are human and you have feelings. You love this person and he hurt you. It's ok to feel it. It won't last forever.

 

I cannot advocate for NC strong enough. Try to just take it day by day, but do whatever you have to do to stay NC. Let him wonder what you're doing. Why did you stop reaching out to him? Did you forget about him? Are you dating someone new? Let him sit and wonder while you heal yourself.

 

Hugs to you