Problems with 10yr old son!

[LauraBancroft]

Lately I have noticed that my son is gradually becoming increasingly more disrespectful. He has gotten into numerous problems at school, leading him to be put into ISS four times! ISS is In School Suspension in case you didn't know. Basically it's a room with other kids that are put in there, with dividers up and a small desk facing the wall where the children can not see one another, nor talk, they are handed work and they sit in there all day doing their work and they eat lunch in there. It's a form of punishment.

 

Anyhow, I don't know where he is getting this from. We have a nice home, my husband and I are both respectable people, we rarely ever yell or raise our voices, though my husband can get heated sometimes, we practically do everything for our children. My husband and I both work but I'm normally I am home when the children come home. I have tried to talk to him in positive ways, no negative. Though I get the same things from him. A typical conversation will go something like this:

 

Me: Why did you get in trouble at school what is going on?

 

Him: I don't know, leave me alone.

 

Me: Son I understand that you're upset and something is bothering you but you do not have to speak to me that way and you need to show me some respect like I'm showing you.

 

Him: School sucks.

 

Me: Well I'm sorry you feel that way but you have to go, for your education and the law states that you must go. So tell me how I can help.

 

Him: No.

 

Me: Will you talk to me in a bit so that way we can get to the bottom of it and maybe I can help you out more, you can calm down and then we can talk about this right.

 

Him: No.

 

Me: Do you have homework?

 

Him: Yeah

 

Me: Ok you need to do your homework and then you need to do your chores.

 

Him: *yelling and stomping*

 

Me: *sigh*

 

I normally have to leave the room at that point cause I get severely frustrated. I'm at my ropes end here and not sure what to do with him. I have thought about maybe putting him in counseling. He and I aren't overly close but neither are he and my husband. He is my only child that behaves this way. I don't quite understand what his problem is. He can also get very angry and dramatic very quickly. Any suggestions?

[quankanne]

check with the school to see if they offer in-house counselling, and if they don't see if there's anyone they recommend for their students. If you don't get answers from the officials at his campus, check with the folks at the ISD (school district) office. A third suggestion is to look into your nearest parent's anonymous chapter.

 

counselling will help give your boy the tools he needs to work through his problems or concerns -- my initial thought was maybe he's being bullied in some manner, because this is the age when that crap starts (pre-adolescence, going into adolescence) -- without feeling like he has to get the two of you directly involved.

 

as hard as this is, remember that part of your problem is solved: you've identified the fact that he's having some sort of problem at school and you're willing to look into helping hiim the best way you can. And that's no small thing.

 

good luck, mom, and keep us posted.

[Gottabestrong]

Sounds to me like he might be entering puberty. I have seen this before with my nephews and other male relatives. They can't help it, it's those hormones going crazy.

 

My advice to you would be to understand that he is probably feeling very confused with himself and does not know why he is doing the things he does.

 

Treat him lovingly and understandingly as you seem to be doing already. Have his dad or older relative who went through the same thing talk to him.

 

If it's puberty then at least you know that he will be fine when is 19, just get him through the next 9 years without any major catastrophes.

 

Good luck with everything.

[aus_half]

I`m like that even now, I just hate school (well, I`m bitter towards people in general)

[LauraBancroft]

His last trip into ISS was because he beat another little boy up, but he swears up and down that the other little boy hit him first so he was defending himself. I think it has a lot to do with his personality to be honest and puberty may be another explaination as well. I have resolved to the fact of having an open session with his Principal, Vice Principal, Teacher and School Counselor (which btw is a lovely woman, very sweet and nice). So I guess we'll see what they say tomorrow when I hold my conference with them. I just hope it gets straightened out before he does get into his teen years because quite frankly I'm only 5'3 and he is as tall as me at ten. So wish me luck. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for the kind advice and replies.

[Lucinda]

When my kids are acting out in any way I make them break. You have to keep at them until you break them. I don't mean forcing him to tell you what's going on. For example I would say to my son "I am always here for you when you are ready to talk. That's what family is for to help each other and no matter what it is I will be there and help you when you are ready for it." From that point on I would inconspicuously start talking with him about my experiances and what stress can do to a person. It allows him to feel like the ball is in his court rather then being forced into sharing his feelings. He already feels like he has to go to school without say, he has to sit in suspension without say and whatever else is going on he propbably feels its out of his control also.

 

If it was me I would not get the school or counseling involved yet until you know what's going on. It's only going to make him feel singled out and though he has no say again. If it ends up he has a problem at school (with a teacher, bullying, learning etc.) then go to the school. IF it ends up he is dealing some sort of issue that is causing him to suffer mentally then look into counseling. Make this a family issue. Don't drag other people into the picture and make him feel like you can't help or support him. Especially since the problem could be stemming from the school. Picture how you would feel if you had a problem at work and you needed your families support and they said "well ok, we'll go to your boss for help then".

 

I would let him know it's him and his family verses what's going on and no matter what, there are no boundries to what you can do as a family to help him (you yourself). For example I would not say "Well I'm sorry you feel that way but you have to go, for your education and the law states that you must go. So tell me how I can help". When he said "school sucks" I would have had him snuggled up beside me and put my arm around him and let him know, no matter what it is there are no boundreis. I would have told him "I know school can suck sometimes I use to feel like that too and sometimes my work sucks etc etc. Get him talking and break him. Don't make him feel like there's nothing you can do as a family because the state has laws and education comes first. Let him know there are no laws that can stop you from helping him and nothing else comes first except him and what's going on.

 

After you have put the ball in his court and allow him to come to you when he feels he can then start working on breaking him. Take him out one on one to the park, fishing whereever it may be and start talking. For example "I remember when I was in school there was a bully ....." " When I'm at work I find it hard when my boss ....." "I use to find school could be stressful at times because ...." "There's this guy at work I don't really care for because ....." etc etc. and this time when he says "school sucks", grab right onto that and work with it. I garuntee he'll open up he may even cry his little eyes out. It may take a bit but eventually he'll break. He may just innocently chat back with you about things going on in his life and give you some indication as to what's going on. Sometimes kids can't come right out with what's bothering them but through talk they may give clues. For example "Yeah I don't care for John at school, he's always calling me names". "I get picked on but when I hit back I'm the one who gets in trouble" etc etc.

 

It's also a good idea to encourage your kids to keep a diary. They tend to confide in a diary the things that bother them. Sneak a peek once and while and it can give you some indication as to what's going on in his life. I know some people would see that as a violation of privacy but when it comes down to the well being of the child what's more important. I watched a special on kids being bullied but the parents were unaware. This was one of the suggestions that was made to parents to find out what was going on with their kids at school and socially.

 

I've done it with my kids and I have to say I have found out a lot and been able to deal with a lot of their problems through the diary. They of course have no idea that I read them and I would never let them know. For example I just read in my sons that he was upset because he had helped me through out the day with differant chores and I didn't say thank you. So I said "Hey Daniel, I forgot to say thank you the other day after you helped me, didn't I ?" When he said "Yes" I said sorry and thanked him. Once I read in it that him and his best friend were not speaking and it was bothering him. So I started a converstation about when I was younger and my best friend and I use to have fights. You get the picture.

 

I really think it's important to make him feel like this is going to be delt with as a family, him and his family verses his problems. Not his family and the school verses him and his problems. Again, especially since the problem could be stemming from school. It sure sounds like it is since he said "school sucks"

 

Good Luck

[Hot Coco]

Ok, I'll probably get bashed for this too but the answer is right there in your post. He's BEGGING for discipline. And no, I don't mean a spanking necessarily although I wouldn't rule it out. Here's the problem, as I see it:

 

"we practically do everything for our children"

 

Maybe you're doing TOO much for that particular child. He should be made to be responsible for his actions EACH and EVERY time. Is he getting consistent discipline? Are you rewarding him when he's done nothing to earn it? Just some things to think about.

 

When he yells and stomps, you just sigh? In my opinion that's not an appropriate behavior for a child and that's not the response I'd have. If my child "yells and stomps" he immediately is taken to his room with no tv to sit and think about it for a period of time. I tell him when he comes out I expect acceptable behavior.

 

He's testing you. You should step up to the plate and not let him push you that far. You're letting HIM be in control when it should be the other way around.

 

Good luck! It's tough isn't it?