my ex is giving me mixed signals? **Updated**

[nobody12]

so me and my gf were together for a long time, almost 8 years. we had a blended family with a baby.

 

we have had arguements and fights like every couple. but alot of them were fueled by her.

 

she started to devalue me about 2 months ago. one step at a time. she started getting angrier and angrier. literly picking on everything i did, good or bad, if i said go left, she would get mad and say why didnt you go right, and if i said go right she would get mad and say why didnt you go left(example)

 

when ever i tried to talk about issues she would shut me out or ghost me. always pushing me away.

 

she started hanging out with her girlfriend lots, every night. i tried taking her for dinner, she would invite her friend. the movies she would invite her friend. i didnt mind her friend, but damb i just wanted some alone time. this kept happening

 

she started going over to her friends all night, and not coming home, leaving me with the kids. she started drinking too.

 

she did this maybe 7 times in one month, so i did it back. i went out all night and didnt come home. (mistake)

 

this fueled her rage where she just screamed at me and ended our relationship.

 

i begged her not to do this, i tried explaining myself and everything. she didnt care.

 

then she started pulling out every little thing that ive ever said and done, stuff from years ago. throwing it all in my face like thats how i always have been. but 95 percent of our relationship was love , n 5 percent was fighting.

 

so i begged her and chased her for 3 weeks now not to do this, but she chose her friend over me.she had no remorse, no sadness, no empathy, just

like she enjoyed seeing me crippled and heart broke.

 

then i find out that shes been talking to some other guy, but she says there just friends, even though i never herd of him, and her call log has like 40 calls with him, but she swears , (obviously cheating) or planning on doing it but no matter what wont admit it.

 

shes been extremely angry constantly at me. rage attacks, manic rage. she wont stop screaming at me when i see her, n she blames me for everything. its messed up. i feel like my whole world just came crashing down.

 

i also found out that shes selling all her stuff, she stopped taking care of her child( my ex step child) and dumped her onto her parents.

 

she stopped paying her bills and our once home looks like a disaster. all messy everywhere.

 

ive been mainly taking care of the baby. which i dont mind.

 

when we moved into that home we had nothing, we built it from the bottom up. n its like shes having a mental break down or is over infatuated by this guy or just flat out wants a new life with no responsibities.

 

i think she even quit her job too.

 

i really dont get it, what could possibly be going through her mind that she would throw away eveything. does she think this new guy is just the best thing in the world.

 

the funny thing is , my neighbor cheated on his wife and my ex talked so much **** about him.

 

n her best friends bf cheated on her, and they hated him together, but yet her best friend is okay with her cheating on me? is that how immature women are? "its okay if we do it to you but not if you do it to us"?

 

your comments, thoughts and opinions please...

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be hell. If this is new behavior for her, do you think she has gotten herself hooked on drugs? Her actions sound just like things druggies do.

[nobody12]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be hell. If this is new behavior for her, do you think she has gotten herself hooked on drugs? Her actions sound just like things druggies do..

 

possibly, along time ago she was hard into cocaine, but then she stopped like before we were dating. ive done tons of research online. the closest thing that relates to her personality is misdiagnosis of depression for bipolar and also a condition called IED disorder shes always had mood swings.

 

oh and narcissist personality also relates...

 

but really. this is more like ripping up your life into tiny little pieces and blowing it into the wind with out a care...

Edited November 21, 2018 by nobody12

[ExpatInItaly]

I would leave it to a doctor to assign her a mental illness. I don't doubt you're trying to understand what is going on with her, but really, nobody who isn't a trained mental health-care provider will be able to accurately assess her.

 

I will say, however, the thought of drug use crossed my mind reading this too. She is apparently very suddenly behaving erratically and dropping her responsibilities, letting her life fall apart. You already acknowledged that she has been drinking more. I don't think I'd rule out the possibility that other substances are involved, as well. There are some big red flags here.

 

It was also clear while reading through your post that she has met someone else. I figured that even before you mentioned another man. She was displaying some of the hallmark behaviour of someone with a secret: the all-night absences, the temper tantrums projecting her anger and guilt, the double standard when you went out. My guess is that she started sleeping with him around the same time she started bringing friends on dates with you. She was intentionally putting a buffer there, and I would imagine that's why.

 

Whatever the reasoning, this devolved into a very unhealthy dynamic, particularly for the children involved. I would contact a lawyer about custody of your baby. Get a legal agreement in place; it doesn't appear as though she is any position to care for the baby, but you won't be able to stop her if you don't have a judge's order outlining when each parent can have the little one and who makes the primary decisions for the child. Get a consultation today.

[nobody12]

Yea. To me it doesnt really make sense. She kicked me outta the house that she cant even afford to pay for. N trying to convince her to stop is outa the question. Shes in the driver seat going full throttle off a cliff.

 

N its just weird she doesnt seem to care

[nobody12]

its been about a month. im still just baffled. she made me pick up most of my belongings.

 

still showed no interest care or emotions at all. almost like she sees right through me that my heart is just in pieces..

 

i cant stop searching the internet on how to get my gf back , or why narcissists discard or any of that crap.

 

i know that i just need to work on my self, regardless if we get back together or not. but its so hard. hard to be posative, escpecially when this **** is happening.

 

this break up completley ruined my life. i lost my family , my home, all the time i invested in the relationship and she just decides to kick me out and move on. i dont get how she could blame me for her unhappyness, it doesnt make sense.

 

im stuck at my moms house with my baby. nothing for her to do here, its exhausting having hardly anytoys or her clothes.

 

and when i see her pull up to pick up or drop off the baby she just stares like im pathetic, unworthy, like im nothing and i dont even exist.

 

what the hell , after everything we went through, been through, having our baby, raising her together, doing family things. everything. and then she starts taking anti depressents n then breaks up. i dono

 

but we shared the same bed for so long, showers baths together. laid in bed and just stared into eachothers eyes. planned everything for our future. just had a life together,. and then boom, now im stuck with nothing, having to start from scratch.

 

even after i told her how ifelt about how much i loved her and all that,

 

she just said i had my chance and i blew it? what does that even mean. what did i blow. ive been there since day one being a man a provider and everythnig that i can be. and its like i wasnt good enough. im in school, i take care of my kids , yeah we argued but whats better then raising your baby together and all the memories and everything. how the hell is it disposable?

 

thats what i dont understand. whats better then your family that you had, just because we had differnt points of views in certain situations. i dono, to me it just doesnt make sense.

 

nothing does, i dono what to do , i just feel like ending my life.

[Marc878]

Time and no contact will fix this.

 

There are people in this world who don't care about anyone but themselves.

 

Cut out all the contact possible.

 

I can guarantee you she's not the only one out there for you.

[preraph]

Maybe she felt she wasn't getting cooperation from you. Who knows. Anyway, sorry you're feeling bad. Glad you had a place to go to and are sharing the child responsibilities. You will have to buy toys and clothes for when the child visits you and suggest you do it sooner rather than later. You can simply visit a yard sale or thrift store or even ask other couples you know (figure out the baby's current size and ask for any that size or larger). People always have old baby clothes they don't want anymore but are too sentimental to just throw out. So get busy instead of sitting there feeling bad. A baby doesn't need much in the way of toys and every yard sale has some super cheap, so now you have a project. Go get the necessities and take care of your child the days you have her. Keep that stuff where you live and don't expect the wife to be carting things back and forth. Joint custody or partial custody requires you to now have that stuff and take care of your child when it's your time, and I know you're happy about that, from the sound of it. Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Do not end your life. Your child needs you. You do have your parents. That means you have family. Children & parents. My parents are both deceased & I never had kids. I really have no family.

 

 

This will hurt for a while. But you will survive.

 

 

I'm going to give you permission to coast through the holidays, not doing much & grieving the loss of your romantic relationship. Come January you have to take stock of your life. Finish up your education. Do you have a job that can support you & your child? If not, get one. If you have to delay school a little longer, do so. Your child has to come first. Then get an apartment independent from your parents but not too far; grandparents make great low cost babysitters.

 

Hopefully Santa will bring more clothes & toys for your child. Meanwhile check out thrift stores to fill up the closets.

[Noemiforever43]

I am so sorry your journey is very painful, I will keep you in my prayers, I am going through the same thing, he sees me like I am trash, like I was his mistake walking. It hurts but it would be ok.

[HumanMachine]

It’s mind boggling isn’t it? That person who you were comfortable with, who would tell you they “will love you forever” just switches and acts like you’re nothing. How do they do it?

 

Stay strong.

[nobody12]

Ive caved in. I cant take it anymore. I want my family back. I cant make sense of any of this. Our enire life together keeps replaying in my head. Where does some one reach a point in their love filled relationship where they that they deserve better? What does that mean? What can i do to stop this n save my relationship. Someone who loves you too suddenly not n only shows cold anger n emotions. Its like she has no soul

 

I could never dream of leaving my spouse. The person i shared my life with. It just doesnt make sense. Does antidepressens have anything to do with it. Can people have chemical imbalances which makes them jeckal n hyde. I dono i need an answer because no normal person walks away from there life like it was always temporary. Especially a relationship this long.

 

Ijust want my life back! What do i do???

[preraph]

It's beyond your control. You just have to move on. Antidepressants wouldn't have anything to do with it unless it cleared her head enough that she could stop being depressed long enough to deal with other issues in her life, like an unhappy marriage. Sorry. My guess is she was unhappy first and that's why she needed antidepressants.

[nobody12]

It's beyond your control. You just have to move on. Antidepressants wouldn't have anything to do with it unless it cleared her head enough that she could stop being depressed long enough to deal with other issues in her life, like an unhappy marriage. Sorry. My guess is she was unhappy first and that's why she needed antidepressants.

 

Things didnt get wierd until she started taking them. She started them because she couldnt control her anger. She yelled at everyone. Her anger came about a year after baby was born. I think it was post pardum. But maybe your right. Maybe she never loved me n was never happy.

[preraph]

Maybe she just has depression in general and isn't a very happy person, so she can't be happy with anyone or feels overwhelmed taking on another life, because depression is overwhelming and it's hard just to meet your own needs, much less be obligated to someone else. Just a thought.

[nobody12]

Maybe she just has depression in general and isn't a very happy person, so she can't be happy with anyone or feels overwhelmed taking on another life, because depression is overwhelming and it's hard just to meet your own needs, much less be obligated to someone else. Just a thought.

 

i do feel that way , she was taking on my daughter as a step child, they started butting heads when she got older, even her and her daughter butted heads, i feel like she couldnt handle the stress of having another child that wasnt hers in the house. even though shes been there for almost 10 years, i feel like she had to cut weight that wasnt necessary, even if it costed her me.

 

probably explains why she still expects me to pay some of her bills and send her money constantly..

[d0nnivain]

There is probably nothing you can do to get your baby mamma to change her mind. She is being partially influenced by her GF.

 

You put one foot in front of the other for your baby's sake. Your parents would also be devastated to you lose you.

 

As dark as things seem, they WILL get better. Hang in there.

[GinON]

Things didnt get wierd ... Maybe she never loved me n was never happy.

 

Man, this all sounds rough. But look, you cant go 2nd guessing everything that felt real in the past. Its tempting because you are trying to make sense of it today but you really will be better off if you focus on now as much as possible. When you start feeling this kind of anxiety try to focus on the moment, wiggle a few body parts and name them, breath really deep, listen and name 3 sounds. Pull yourself out of it as best you can.

 

Write down 4 or so goals for yourself going forward and only things you can control. Anytime you start thinking about your ex, pick up the list and find one of the things you can do.

 

Examples similar to mine, dealing with my shocking situation:

1.Do something I love several times a week, for me its kick boxing, but anything will do. A hobby, exercise, whatever.

2.Be an amazing parent to my kids! Despite my desperate thoughts I force myself to play with them, read to them, take them places, keep them busy and show them as much love as possible.

3. Work on a new career that is a life dream. Do anything towards this, read a book, take a class, internship, job search, resume polishing!

4. Find new friends or hang out with old ones, join a club, a new church, etc. Make spending time with friends a priority so you aren't ruminating on this. If you feel like crap contact a friend, even if they cant talk now, ask them to meet up. Just knowing you have plans later in the week makes a difference.

 

I also like to listen to therapists talking about other peoples problems from youtube. It takes my mind off me and helps me realize I am not the only person suffering. You might try any Craig Kenneth video or some of Corey Wayne's (some of his are just strange.) Just realize they are trying to make money by focusing on getting back your ex, but I would ignore that part and listen to the ideas and examples they read. There are over a 1500 videos between them.

[nobody12]

so i nearly had a mental break down and panic attack all morning, because forsome reason i keep getting super bad anxiety around her.

 

i decided to go to my kids party instead of having my own seperate party. she kept texting me constantly hot n cold if i was coming or wanting me to come.

 

i was the only one who showed up. everyone else backed down, but her mom n dad showed up late. i raced and bought the cake , bought my daughter a power wheels.. then bought some pizza. n then went to the house..

 

i got there, she of course tried to dress all hot, and was trying to break the awkward shell. for me it was awkward. but more less i just didnt feel comfortable being in my home, thats now not my home.

 

but i kept a smile on and paid attention mainly to my daughter. it was like my ex wanted to talk to me, but i didnt really know what to even said or how to hold a conversation with her , so i just followed my baby around the house.

 

im at the point where i dont think i could take her back. because of all the heart ache ive gone through. but at the same time i wish she would chase me n want a second chance just so i can tell her shes too late..

 

its wierd she still has all our family photos up.

 

and she was taking our daughter to some indoor kids place. and she asked if i wanted to come, but i said i wasnt feeling good. when her parents left, i decided to leave aswell, she had this look on her face like she wanted me to stay or something, but i just didnt want to be there, my heart was aching pretty bad and i couldnt keep on the fake smile much longer.

 

why do you think she still has our photos up

why did she want me to come to the party so bad

why is she acting all wierd

 

i still love her, but man the stuff she put me through emotionally hurts more than anything, stressing me the hell out.

[ExpatInItaly]

why do you think she still has our photos up

why did she want me to come to the party so bad

why is she acting all wierd

 

Probably because things aren't working out so well with her new boyfriend and she wants to make sure she has you on stand-by.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? By your own account in this thread, your relationship fell apart a while ago and she found herself a replacement for you. She is messy and thinks of herself first. This is about her ego, not her love for you.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/670094-im-having-really-hard-time

 

You can keep going back for more pain, or you can accept that this is over and work out a co-parenting plan with her, through your respective attorneys (and yes, you will need one)

[fromheart]

This is a very difficult situation.

 

May I ask, was the home you lost purely yours, did you co-own it or was it hers?

[Marc878]

You are better off without any unnecessary contact. Your daughter is young so next time do something separate. It doesn't have to be on the exact date.

 

If you want to stay out of this mess here's how.

 

Communicate by text or email child only. Keep it brief and on point. Never answer a phone call direct. Let it go to voicemail and respond only if it's kid related. Ignore everything else. Do not bite on breadcrumbs

 

Keep all holidays separate. She has her time and you have yours. Nothing in between.

 

Pick up and drop offs limit to a 3 minute exercise with no engagement.

 

If you don't you'll just keep yourself bound up in this. It'll normalize over time.

 

It mat seem awkward but how awkward is having to be around her?

 

I have three friends who use this method and they swear by it.

[nobody12]

so she started talking to me again.. there has even been flirting over text, and today we went n got our kids pictures with santa(seperate pictures)

 

of course i want my gf and family back, i dont care about what happend between us.. i just want to rekindle our love and work thing out, im sure thats what alot of people want.

 

so yeah weve been texting. weve been hanging out , were even suppost to go on a romantic dinner tonight. even last night we sent eachother photos. she sent me one in langerie , i sent her a full on nude.

 

she said today that she knoticed that i was being quieter , i wasnt doing it intentionally. its just when she confidently mentions that were not together and makes it aware between us i just half to suck it up. i really dont know what her intentions are, is she testing the waters ,does she want me back , is this just a way to stall things,

 

i thought before that there was another guy involved, but i was wrong. it was just me making up stories in my head.

 

and when saw eachother she seemed to keep me at bay. i tried flirting with her a bit more, but she seemed to keep it strictly buisness for the kids. n then i brought up our pictures we sent, she seemed unpleased that mine was full nude. even though on text she said she liked it.

 

so i dono. ive been following dan bacons get your ex back crap. im trying to attract her back and stay confident and try not to show hurt or anger or come off as desperate, but i still am really confuesed.

 

does she want me or not like , is she seeing if ive truly changed. i love her to death but im getting just frustrated at the same time.

 

what do you all think. n yes i know most of you say move on,, but i dont want to , i invested so much into my relationship i just dont want to lose it.

 

help please

[HumanMachine]

You can’t force anyone to like you. Either talk to her like an adult or move on.

[GinON]

Well, if your watching the Bacon guy, you should also include the 3% guy, Corey Wayne.

For you, his idea of 2 steps forward one step back would be good, especially with texting. Maybe she sends you some underpants shots, you send a bicep or a hand over your heart or just say something appreciative, but full nude? Kinda leap froggin her, no? Let her lead, especially if she left, she needs to earn your trust back. I can also suggest watching some Craig Kenneth videos.

 

Also, try reading The way of the Superior Man by David Deida which I think has some good ideas for your situation. (you can listen on sound cloud for free I think.)

 

My very short summary of the book:

Masculine is rock, Feminine is wind. One changes, the other sits there, be the rock, dont be needy. Masculine enjoys venturing out and experiencing nature in all its unpredictability, your relationships are like hiking in the wilderness, your power is enjoying the challenges that femininity serve. If you are deeply focused on your true reason for being in the world, you wont be overly distracted by your partners in life.

 

If you are doing something and it might seem needy, wait a day, you will realize you were feeling needy and you were feeling weak. Focus on your purpose, not her. Be a gent, at all times though.

 

 

Slow down, take your time, let it build very slowly so you have time to straighten out your own anxiety over this.

Edited December 16, 2018 by GinON