It ended as quickly as it started

[brownygoldy]

Hi all,

This is my first thread and post on here.

 

I have been through my fair share of long relationships and subsequent heartbreaks, but my most recent relationship(and I use this in the sense of the word relationship as opposed to a committed romantic relationship) has really thrown me and affected me.

 

I’ve known this guy for a week and we’ve never even met.. I know what you must be thinking, get a grip... but I can’t help the fact that this person has had a great impact on me even if the situation itself doesn’t match up to normality.

 

We met through social media, from his first message to me I was gripped and although I’m not a a ‘talk on the phone’ person in general, ever since that first day last week, we’ve been on the phone until the early hours of the morning, think 6am-8am.

 

He doesn’t meet the criteria of somebody I am expected to (family influence is strong in my life) or would usually be with, eg, he is of a different religion to me (culturally forbidden for myself and my family would not accept it) and he is 5 years younger than me (something I would usually avoid by my own volition!).

 

The phone conversations we had from the first time we spoke we’re fulfilling, organic and electric. We were both shocked by how much we were enjoying them and how unique this situation was and feelings started to develop. We opened up avoid sensitive subjects and just seemed to be on the same wavelength. The conversations also had a sexual element to them and some of the things he said that made me feel that he was developing some sorts of feelings were:

‘It’s not just one thing I like about you, it’s everything’

‘Our relationship has surpassed a physical attraction, this is something deeper’

‘You’re someone I’ll never be able to let go of out of my life’

He then proceeded to tell me within 5 days of knowing me that he loves me! I did not say it back as although I felt a sense of love for this individual, I didn’t want to get ahead of myself.

 

5 days in is when the dynamic suddenly changed. An ex of his who he refers to as a soulmate called him whilst driving under the influence, they had a telephone argument and she then disappeared out of contact. He was worried about her and asked me for advice. I told him to make sure she’s ok by attempting contact/reaching out to a mutual friend, and to not have any serious conversations whilst she’s driving and approach such conversations the next day when they’re both clear-headed and safe.

He then proceeded to get hold of her and was on the phone to her for 4 hours in the middle of the night, I couldn’t sleep as a result as I had already formed a kind of attachment to this guy and was waiting to hear from him.

 

When he did call me, I was upset, technically I shouldn’t be as I have no right to expect anything from him, but my emotions dictated that I was upset. On this day I was travelling to visit a friend and her baby and didn’t sleep through the night, when I arrived at my friends I became occupied and thus didn’t communicate with him much throughout the day.

 

He called me in the evening and at this point I had fallen asleep briefly however my sleep was still disrupted and I saw my phone around 20 minutes after he’d called me. He’d assumed I was ignoring him and had sent me a message saying heÂ’ll be calling his ex as IÂ’m ignoring him. I found this to be incredibly immature and disrespectful and I can’t see why anyone would want to inflame an already sensitive issue related to trust.

 

We then spoke on the phone and he was incredibly angry, saying I’m stubborn and immature for not speaking to him and being upset over the situation with his ex, and saying that he doesn’t want to be dealing with my negativity and ended things. When I tried to explain that resorting to threats such as calling his ex is not the right approach, he just kept justifying it with ‘I was angry’. In relation to his criticisms of me, I did see things from his perspective and apologised for being stubborn and accepted his decision. He then sent a few nice messages saying:

‘YouÂ’re a wonderful girl and I promise someone will fall in love with you one day’

 

During this conversation the electric connection feeling we both had had disappeared for both of us.

 

I didn’t sleep much again and the next morning at my friends, I experienced what I think to be an anxiety attack. I had constant flutters, felt very sick and couldn’t eat. I cried my eyes out twice. This guy and situation completely and unexpectedly threw me off.

 

This takes us to yesterday where we didn’t speak much - I sent a few messages and didnÂ’t get a response until a call at 5am this morning where he was drunk. Again on the phone he was angry with me telling me I ruined things and telling me that I got too attached to him and that he was in a different place to me and that I’m expecting things from him like a girlfriend would. I accepted it and said to him that I wonÂ’t be engaging further to which he again threatened to call his ex. As you can imagine this annoyed me a lot again but just reiterated to me how immature and not worth my time and energy he is. I waited until he was home safe and he then proceeded to attempt to make the conversation sexual. I refused to engage on this and said that I can’t desire these things when the dynamic between me and the person in question is bad. As I was explaining he cut the phone off. He then called me back around 30 minutes after and told me he was on the phone to another girl heÂ’d called for satisfaction and that heÂ’d also got a girlÂ’s number from his night out. I then proceeded to cut the phone off and sent him a message saying how disrespectful I find him to be, whether or not weÂ’re friends or in a relationship, and that although he was annoyed I got attached, I believe that he was equally if not more attached but wasnÂ’t triggered negatively as I was, ie if I was speaking to other men in the same way and threatening him, he would have also been annoyed like I was.

 

He hasn’t replied to these messages and I’ve not heard from him all day.

 

I know I am naive in developing feelings in a short space of time without meeting him but that’s what happened.. I am not blowing my own trumpet but I have many men I could be pursuing something with but have no inclination to, with this guy it was just natural and amazing which is why I took it seriously

 

My questions are:

 

1.) How can somebody who at first appeared to have an incredible personality and heart (eg always offering to order me food and making sure I’m ok in relation to health concerns), then turn out to be so inconsiderate and disrespectful? Any insight into him?

 

2.) I know myself this situation is a joke and childish and bears no potential future with his attitude, but why am I so affected and what can I do to help myself/forget this attachment that grew and not miss the fulfilment he did give me? I’ve not been able to sleep or relax much since and miss our phonecalls, when they were good and interesting of course!

 

3.) Does anybody have any constructive feedback for me or my approach to this/relationships? IÂ’ve been in similar situations before, not the specifics of it of course but I’ve had feedback from men of expecting too much. My friend who I was visiting sided with me on this but I’m wondering if there’s a blind spot that I’m missing somewhere and where I am going wrong

 

Thank you so much and I really appreciate this community!

Edited December 14, 2018 by brownygoldy

[Lorenza]

You have to understand that in case of online romances we don't fall for the real person, we fall for the image we create in our own minds. You can only see a small fraction of who the person really is and you blow it to an unrealistic proportion. The he demonstrated a different side of himself -a side that is usually a lot easier to hide when communicating online, but even in that case he couldn't contain himself- and that image shattered, which is probably what affected you so deeply.

[d0nnivain]

The whole on line world can be heady & give you a false sense of intimacy. It feels so good while it's happening but it's not real. Take the enjoyment but let it go.