11 years over - now strung along I think.

[salparadise]

I have no intention to do this to start the merry go round again.The reason I agreed is thinking about the above suggestion from a poster. Of trying to illicit whether she’s willing to move forward.

 

Even if she said she did, you'd still be dangling by the same thread. Wishing, hoping, giving your all and receiving nothing but BS. She has already shown you who she is and how she will treat you. Believe it.

 

You have to believe that you deserve better, and extricate yourself. Go find yourself a real girlfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

But the more this has gone on the contact is more fleeting and she’s indicated a decision will be made in jan. So hence the reason for me having to retreat stage left. I’m just selling myself down the river in every respect dangling on her whim. I wouldn’t do it to spite, rather feel there’s no choice now.

 

Why, what happens in January? What will be different then?

 

It seems she's chosen an arbitrary date on the calendar to get you to stop asking about it and just give her attention when she wants it. Unless she's waiting for someone else to make up his mind about her, and attempting to put you on hold until she gets an answer, I can't see what will change between you two within the next few weeks.

[an0nym0us123]

She may be fishing for others while keeping you on the back burner in case she finds nothing. My ex did this. Made all sorts of bs excuses as to why she could not be in a relationship with anyone, basically promised me we would get back together after she had had some time to work on her self. Stupidly i swallowed it all. She told me she could not be with anyone but immediately pursued someone else. And is now with him. Kept me on the hook with all sorts of rubbish.

[Twizzlestick]

She may be fishing for others while keeping you on the back burner in case she finds nothing. My ex did this. Made all sorts of bs excuses as to why she could not be in a relationship with anyone, basically promised me we would get back together after she had had some time to work on her self. Stupidly i swallowed it all. She told me she could not be with anyone but immediately pursued someone else. And is now with him. Kept me on the hook with all sorts of rubbish.

 

I went through a spell of doubting myself. I jokingly asked and she didn’t get angry just seemed genuinely bemused. Said how that was the last thing on her mind. I know odds are not in favour of that not being true but I think I have to trust that one. Could be true though like you say. Anything is possible.

[Twizzlestick]

Why, what happens in January? What will be different then?

 

It seems she's chosen an arbitrary date on the calendar to get you to stop asking about it and just give her attention when she wants it. Unless she's waiting for someone else to make up his mind about her, and attempting to put you on hold until she gets an answer, I can't see what will change between you two within the next few weeks.

 

You’re so right and knowing how false this Jan date is, as I’ve said in my posts is at the core of me realising I’m on hiding to nothing. Peoples feelings don’t just change in January. It’s led me to the latest which I’ll post below.

[Twizzlestick]

Right, this update contains things you’ll be angry about at me, but have patience I’m going int he right direction, just not as black and white “boom” as I thought.

 

Tomorrow’s meeting is arranged. I’d felt uneasy since we arranged it earlier. I knew it would end with me seeking any slithers of hope.

 

In meantime I texted a joke. She responded with loads of x’s and said how funny it was. By this point my anxiety was going up. So I texted her a two photos of good memeories. Kind of a testing the water I guess. She sounded quite dismissive about us. Well something in me gave. Now was time, I knew I couldn’t continue.

 

I texted “to be honest I need to talk to you xx”. Nothing back. Ghost.

 

She’s starts a 6am shift tomorrow. There’s no way she didn’t see it. In hindsight I think she has misread the intention and suspects my wanting to talk to her is me seeking clues, affirmation etc. When in fact I was going to drive over for very different intentions. “This dire situation between us stops, tonight. It’s hurting me and I can’t allow it to continue. I love you and either we walk forward tonight in life as a couple and work forward or it’s over”

 

And then walk with and answer. I know what it will be. But its an answer.

[Marc878]

You already have her answer. Keeping yourself in denial isn't helping.

 

Most women who are done try and let their X's down easy. They almost always never get it. Which is where you are. Grasping at anything to keep yourself in it.

 

She's probably non confrontational and doesn't want to come across as harsh so you just continue to live on hopium.

 

I love her so she has to love me thing.

 

At some point you'll wake up eventually

[Twizzlestick]

You already have her answer. Keeping yourself in denial isn't helping.

 

Most women who are done try and let their X's down easy. They almost always never get it. Which is where you are. Grasping at anything to keep yourself in it.

 

She's probably non confrontational and doesn't want to come across as harsh so you just continue to live on hopium.

 

I love her so she has to love me thing.

 

At some point you'll wake up eventually

 

What would you suggest? Cancel the meeting and just text “it’s over” type thing?

[GoreSP]

Thanks. Just a point I very much do want to continue a relationship, if I felt I was in one. I don’t think we”re in one despite what she’s said in very very vague terms to the contrary - she’s left me with so little and so little to go off. Just declared 4 weeks ago, what she stated in June - that she loves me but not in that way. She has wanted to keep in contact while she see how her feelings are. But the more this has gone on the contact is more fleeting and she’s indicated a decision will be made in jan. So hence the reason for me having to retreat stage left. I’m just selling myself down the river in every respect dangling on her whim. I wouldn’t do it to spite, rather feel there’s no choice now.

 

Fair enough but if you tell her that, this opens the door to more stringing a long.

So best to tell her you're done.

[Twizzlestick]

Ok. I’m writing this in complete numbness. So please go easy on me. I know tough love is a thing but I’m feeling delicate.

 

I arranged to go for a drive through drink of tea this eve. We sat in car. Small talk for a while. Then she asked what I wanted to talk about. I said I’d reached a decision. She said “me too”. Well that completely off footed me.

 

I started up saying I’d laid my feelings on the table. I went over how I felt, how I saw us moving forward, yada. She listened then stated she doesn’t love me enough.

 

Well, so far I’d been a solider for 6 months in not begging. I didn’t exactly beg. But I did try and explore why she was feeling like that (mistake). I cited she had a change of heart in the summer. She said it had got worse during the 6 months, reallt bad. I felt a bit annoyed at that really. I thought to myself I had an opportunity to get her back in the summer when she turned up crying her eyes out. But I let it slip. She had done that 2 weeks after dumping me. I remember just thinking I didn’t complete trust her feelings and if they were real they’d wait.

 

The final kicker was she said she could see a future and for years how I’d alwys been ill and struggled to keep my job and how I didn’t like my job etc (a job I took for her).

 

So we drove back. I said “this is it” then as we hugged. She seemed surprised and said “we’ll still see each other for a bit to sort things out with flat etc”. I said no way (she doesn’t live at my flat but has loads of stuff here). I said this is what breaking up is, we can’t keep seeing each other because of that, and I can’t see you not because I’m being mean, just I can’t face the pain knowing it’s over. She said she wanted to ring me tomorrow anyway.

 

I got back from the most painful drive in history. I sent a text saying not to ring tomorrow as unless she’s had a complete change of heart (not happening) I can’t face a call just to repeat what was said. I explained I’d make arrangements in the new year through her sister to collect items.

 

I live alone in Northern Ireland. I’ve no real friends here. I’m getting the ferry back home tomorrow morning to be with my family. It’s a 7 hour drive though.

 

I’m blown to pieces. I’m actually in shock so the pain has eased. There’s triggers everywhere and something creeps in and my mind blocks it. But I know it’s coming. The guilt and remorse I’m carrying is obliterating. I feel I had so many opportunities I squandered to make it right and stop the cours of events. I can’t tell you the pain. And it’s only starting.

[BC1980]

I'm sorry for your pain, but you really need to go NC as soon as possible. Make it a priority to get her stuff back to her. When someone tells you it's over, believe them. Most people have thought about breaking up for awhile, and they have moved on before they actually do the breaking up. A lot of people do struggle with NC, but use this as a learning opportunity. You know that it's over. You have no more hope or doubts.

[Twizzlestick]

I'm sorry for your pain, but you really need to go NC as soon as possible. Make it a priority to get her stuff back to her. When someone tells you it's over, believe them. Most people have thought about breaking up for awhile, and they have moved on before they actually do the breaking up. A lot of people do struggle with NC, but use this as a learning opportunity. You know that it's over. You have no more hope or doubts.

 

 

I’ve tried to set myself up for not inviting contact that will only falsely raise my hopes ( I know it will). I texted her to say not to call tomorrow, she responded ok adding it’s ok to keep in contact re things. I said thanks for the offer but it’ll cause me pain and I’d gratefullt decline and text her sister in the new year about picking it up. I’m going to leave a key under a pot so there’s no need to meeting anyone.

[Marc878]

Better put down the hopium pipe and go complete no contact.

 

You've kept yourself in this. Time to get yourself out.

[Twizzlestick]

Better put down the hopium pipe and go complete no contact.

 

You've kept yourself in this. Time to get yourself out.

 

 

Ok, I appreciate the advice but reads harsh in my shoes coming what I’ve come through in last two hours. I think I’m doing alright so far.

 

I didn’t concede to talking/seeing again and nipped that in the bud. Also denied contact straight off re items and said I’ll self arrange a way to return items that doesn’t involve face to face contact with any family members.

 

It’s night time here. I’ve tried to book a ferry to England to escape the location but the ports are shut due a storm.

 

My life’s been blown to pieces. Im actually quite worried as gone into not feeling too bad, but feel very strange. It was 11 years of the most deeply loving relationship. I think it’s going to detonate me. I’m terrified of the grief that’s coming.

[Whodatdog]

This is going to be harsh.

 

She lost respect for you a long long time ago. A relationship can't grow when people dont respect each other. And she doesnt respect you. She is walking all over you like a door mat, and you let her. She is doing it because you dont respect yourself. How can she respect you when you dont respect yourself, that you have let her treat you like crap over and over.

 

Put your big boy pants on and tell her, listen, Ive done all I can do for you. I will not let you treat me like a little boy any longer. Im done with you, and dont want to hear from you any more. Because I deserve better than this, and I will find better than you. The bar isnt very high. And turn around and dont look back.

 

Dont let anyone jerk you around like this. Nothing makes you feel smaller than walking on eggshells around someone. She has the reins. Take them from her.

[BC1980]

I’ve tried to set myself up for not inviting contact that will only falsely raise my hopes ( I know it will). I texted her to say not to call tomorrow, she responded ok adding it’s ok to keep in contact re things. I said thanks for the offer but it’ll cause me pain and I’d gratefullt decline and text her sister in the new year about picking it up. I’m going to leave a key under a pot so there’s no need to meeting anyone.

 

At this point, it's better to just go NC than to announce it to her. You've told her multiple times that you don't want contact or to see her again. It's time to actually carry it out. You've seen that trying to stick around and be friends is painful, so it's time to completely cut contact.

 

Why are you waiting until the new year to contact her sister about getting her stuff? How much stuff are we taking about?

[Twizzlestick]

At this point, it's better to just go NC than to announce it to her. You've told her multiple times that you don't want contact or to see her again. It's time to actually carry it out. You've seen that trying to stick around and be friends is painful, so it's time to completely cut contact.

 

Why are you waiting until the new year to contact her sister about getting her stuff? How much stuff are we taking about?

 

 

It was me thinking of me when I that said that. I’m leaving Ireland on a Ferry in two hours for England as would be alone here otherwise. Tried to get an overnight straight away but cancelled due this big storm.

 

There’s big items, chairs, tables plus hundreds of smaller bits. My Dad was going to come with me and help me inc boxing everything up as couldn’t face going through alone. We were going to leave it all in one room and leave a key for an relative to pick up. Then I’m giving up the lease on the flat. It’s up in Feb anyway but can’t stay here now. Living in a graveyard.

 

I’m worried, I still feel normal/not too bad. Despite acknowledging to myself and knowing it’s over I’m concerned my mind is in denial/feeding itself with hope on the secret. I can promis it’s nothing somthing I’m actively thinking. I can’t find hopeful thoughts. I’m worried it’s in denial and that’s why it’s like this and calm and that a tidal wave of pain is coming. I dint feel right. Like I’m in a parallel universe. Strange.

 

There’s 70 mph winds and storms here. It’s dark and raining, fits with my mood.

[Charlierose30]

Hi Twizzlestick,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you sound like a decent person and you don’t deserve to be strung along like you have been.

You’re doing the right thing by leaving, at least for a while. A change of scenery and being around people who love you is really important right now.

I’m going through a similar situation to you, and I also had days where I felt strange and out of sorts and numb. Someone told me that your brain processes things like grief a little bit at a time, so as not to overwhelm you. So, just try to focus on how you’re feeling moment by moment, rather than anticipating what’s to come. It could be shock that’s making you feel like you’re in a parallel universe.

Keep venting on here, it’s a great outlet.

[BC1980]

<snip>

There’s big items, chairs, tables plus hundreds of smaller bits. My Dad was going to come with me and help me inc boxing everything up as couldn’t face going through alone. We were going to leave it all in one room and leave a key for an relative to pick up. Then I’m giving up the lease on the flat. It’s up in Feb anyway but can’t stay here now. Living in a graveyard.

<snip>

 

It sounds like you have a good plan in place for returning her things. Does she know of this plan? If she doesn't, she will probably contact you again to sort out getting her things.

Edited January 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Twizzlestick]

Hi Twizzlestick,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you sound like a decent person and you don’t deserve to be strung along like you have been.

You’re doing the right thing by leaving, at least for a while. A change of scenery and being around people who love you is really important right now.

I’m going through a similar situation to you, and I also had days where I felt strange and out of sorts and numb. Someone told me that your brain processes things like grief a little bit at a time, so as not to overwhelm you. So, just try to focus on how you’re feeling moment by moment, rather than anticipating what’s to come. It could be shock that’s making you feel like you’re in a parallel universe.

Keep venting on here, it’s a great outlet.

 

Thanks Charlierose. And thanks for the kind words. I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same position too.

 

I took the next boat over. The grief hit me like a tidal wave. It was the worse 7 hour drive of my life. I’m home now, with family. I’m just barely existing. Thanks for the tips, I’ll try those out.

[Giraffe-A]

After that many years, it is actually hard for both of you to let go. However, you gave her the ability to be her security blanket. She’s got one foot in and one foot out. She’s not feeding you crumbs, you allowed this. But hinestly, as hard as this is to take, completely removing yourself from the situation will help tremendously. The first 2 weeks is the hardest. Right now you are more on her nerves especially after she asked for time so you have a higher probability of losing her completely this way than going full NC on her. Respect her wishes and stay strong no matter what.

[Twizzlestick]

The big storm shut down the port at night so I spent a horrid night. I got up, through things into the car and caught the first ferry across. The numbness wore off approaching the terminal. Once on the boat, stupidly I was drawn to stand on the deck looking out over the village we knocked around in, you could see all the countryside and various pubs and places we spent 11 years. I nearly collapsed with grief. In fact writing it down here was a bad idea as it’s bringing it back.

 

I’ll be the first to admit when I got off the ferry I was so overcome my brain hijacked me and did what it would do to switch off the pain. I texted her I was willing to accept that phone call I’d denied her. I’m not proud, but it felt like if someone was dying and there was something you could do to stop, the brain takes over and does anything. That’s how it felt.

 

She rang, we had a decent, non emotional chat. She mentioned she’d had doubt about her decision the day after and had been upset. She said she wanted to keep in contact. I breathed in and said that I didn’t want to remain in contact “as mates” or “how are you” prodding texts, but equally I knew she was stubborn and didn’t want her to feel the lines of communication were severed if she properly changed her mind.

 

That’s how it was left.

 

Two days later, a belated text telling me how she’s definitely got this wonderful new job. I offered congrats. Not a lot you can say to that when someone is swinging from chandeliers with joy whilst your heart has just exploded.

 

7 days later. Tonight, another text. Just wishing me a merry Christmas.

 

If this is what she had in mind with asking to keep in contact then she can forget it. I dint see what that is serving her. I thought she meant, calling or engaging over text. All this is is either announcing jobs, or pointless statements. I felt like saying “Chrimas is ****ing horrific, what do you think??” But I didn’t. I just said “yes thanks, merry Christmas to you too”

 

I’m not going to block her number and all that as I’ve not been ringing her begging and if I start that malarkey, I will. But equally I don’t want to shut down entire forms of comms if there’s a minute chance she is having doubt. But I’m continuing to do what I do. I’m not contacting her, just responding. But if it carries on with these stupid texts then that’ll have to stop.

[Twizzlestick]

After that many years, it is actually hard for both of you to let go. However, you gave her the ability to be her security blanket. She’s got one foot in and one foot out. She’s not feeding you crumbs, you allowed this. But hinestly, as hard as this is to take, completely removing yourself from the situation will help tremendously. The first 2 weeks is the hardest. Right now you are more on her nerves especially after she asked for time so you have a higher probability of losing her completely this way than going full NC on her. Respect her wishes and stay strong no matter what.

 

I disagree. I don’t think I am on her nerves to be honest. I know that for reasons below. It’s actually been her that’s been determined to not lose contact.

 

This board can be quite harsh at times (not from yourself) but I think I will now clear up a few things as whilst well meaning, I don’t actually agree with the entirety of “you’ve been stringing yourself along” I’ve read on here. I suspect folk have the wrong end of the stick I was living under. Perhaps due to my poor portrayal.

 

I had previously taken criticism from people who've been keen to say I’ve strung myself along (takes 2) but I can hold my hand up and say I’ve acted well during six months, I’ve only done what she asked, with aplomb. it certainly wasn’t a situation where I was stringing myself along without some serious serious reason. So much so no observer would say that was stringing oneself along, unless there was some serious misrepresentation going on (there was affection, endearments, positive talking etc).

 

After chatting to my counsellor, I do know I’ve been treated poorly during the end and I’m not blaming myself for the six months. I do have some self respect left (just a bit )...

 

As a point of clarity. During the break, I actually tried to go no contact and stated as much. She adamantly put her foot down and wanted contact and really wanted to keep seeing and talking during “the break” (it lasted six months) and turned to me for help during quite a tumultuous family period. During this break bare in mind to those who say I was stringing myself along she constantly said it was looking good for us, and that she’s positively minded..

 

I’d say it would be a brave man to say to someone you love of 11 year “stuff yourself love I’m disappearing then, no contact”. It was only during the final weeks she really did a change about face.

 

In fact, she has wanted to keep contact even after we’ve broken up. I’ve written about it above, but it’s not planning out so I’m withdrawing. I can recognise what you’re saying is true there. That is not going to go well for me post break up as turns out all she wants to do is text me short messages like a 17 year old (I’m 38 and too old for that)

[Marc878]

No contact is not up to her. You are currently lapping up breadcrumbs and she is controlling the situation.

 

Blocking is easy why don't you try it.

 

Currently you are the only one that can keep yourself in this.

[Dealer]

Relax. You will be fine.

 

My story: my ex gf dumped me after 6 1/2 yrs and a month before proposing. I didn’t see it coming as we were happy - so I thought. We never had a fight or disagreement and plenty of sex. In fact, we lived just blocks away but she dumped me over the phone !!! She said she cared for me but never loved me.

 

I pleaded for a second chance - but she said no. There was no one else.

 

I was crushed. Went for professional help (... the therapist said I was fine). Hung out every night with my closest friends and occasional dates (pretty women; no sex / no even a kiss). I was still in shock. After all I was 25 years old and totally humiliated.

 

In 2 months, while clubbing with friends, I danced with my best friend’s sister. After one dance, my buddies said I would marry that girl. I was like “no way, I am so broken and she could have anyone”. —- 1 month later I was dating her (she asked me out)... 12 months later I proposed - she said yes !!! Then 26 months after the breakup I was married, exactly 4 years later I was a father.

 

Meanwhile, my ex gf - who said she wasn’t the marrying type - met a guy 4 years after our breakup and married him another 3 1/2 years later. **In fact, her family said I married a “rebound” and she married her “soulmate”.

 

I am happily married for 24 years with two kids.

 

My ex gf was divorced within 9 months because her soulmate/ husband cheated with his ex gf. He married his ex - as she was pregnant. He also took half the money on the house her parents helped buy.

 

My ex gf ran into my sister and says she lives with her widowed father, drives a fancy car, beautiful house but is childless and single. She said she regrets “the biggest mistake” of her life (dumping me).

 

She is PATHETIC. Karma is my guardian .

 

Do good. Be respectful. Don’t look back.

 

** But I love the fact that she got screwed over too

Edited January 3, 2019 by Dealer