11 years over - now strung along I think.

[Twizzlestick]

Hello everyone.

 

My girlfriend of 11 years called Time on our relationship in the summer (I’m a guy). We weren’t married no children. Reasons why are somewhat complex. We’d essentially tried again. Her reasons were she cares but “not in that way”.

 

I’ve not come for advice as to the whys or hold a post mortam of my relationship - it’s too painful as it is. I respect her feelings and it’s painful enough without going over it. I’m not going to go into how I feel about it all, suffice to say it’s beyond agony given what she meant. I’ll leave it at that. What I need advice on is the mechanics of what’s developed since....

 

 

After she ended up in the summer, I did what many of us do and shouldn’t do and asked if we could see it as a break (we both had a lot on outside of it) and revisit how we feel after some time. She agreed

 

What it morphed into was essentially friendship. Going out occasionally, calls etc. But non real relationship. All the time I was hoping. After 4 months of this I sensed a cooling off. No longer available to meet, just the odd drink. Calls very sparse and limited in time

 

So when we met for one of these drinks I laid my cards out how I still felt. She said she felt the same as the summer. Mm. So I expected her to end it. But what it turned into was the mist tenuous contact, the odd phone call. Five mins of inane chat being “having to go”. That sort of thing. I expressedly asked what she wants from me given she feels no different. After all didn’t she want to call Time? The answer I got was quite angry and somehow came away feeling at fault for stirring the pot. Something along the lines of she “needs to see how her feelings are”. Or some such thing. She became quite chatty prior to an event in her personal life she needed help with but now that’s over I feel the reapers breath..

 

By now you’re probably hanging heads in despair. And quite right. I would with any if my friends if were them. Despite my rational head telling me I’m being breadcrumbed and strung along, my stupid emotions have kept me in on hope. Tenuous slim hope. Equally I’m annoyed at myself and her for going along like this.

 

I keep building the courage to call Time. But can’t deny a part of me probably is thinking that might jolt her. But equally a big part sense despite hope, I’m probable going to end up being dropped. Again. This inner voice tells me to walk before I’m chopped. I know that’ll feel excruciating.

 

A big question. She has indicated once she’s made her mind up she does want to talk to give her “reasons”. Here’s the thing. She gave reasons when she ended it in the summer. I feel I’ve been through hell dangling this last six months, the last thing I want is to get an emotional kicking all over again. I don’t want it. It wouldn’t be for my benefit as I’ve already been furnished with “reasons” once in the summer. I can’t see what’s knew unless she’s thought of a load of extra reasons after she ended it in the summer.

 

Given these circumstances am I right to say no to that? If I walk, or she ends it (there’s nothing to end really) I’d rather it were just said.

 

Thanks all.

[Wallysbears]

Honestly? I'd suggest that you just stop initiating any contact with her.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and hurt by it. It must really sting and that's going to take a while to get over.

 

What are you doing for YOUR self care? New hobbies? Making new friends? Working out? Schooling?

[Twizzlestick]

Honestly? I'd suggest that you just stop initiating any contact with her.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and hurt by it. It must really sting and that's going to take a while to get over.

 

What are you doing for YOUR self care? New hobbies? Making new friends? Working out? Schooling?

 

Thanks Wallysbears

 

I’m having a bit of a time really as on top of this an ongoing medical issue has reared up. Not feeling great and it’s stopped me being able to go to do my job.

 

I go to the gym. But I’ve found myself consumed between this and trying to get myself fixed by docs to go back to work. I’ve told myself in the Meantime I’m going to stay and visit my folks and friends where they live. I live in a part of the world where I’m not from originally you see. I’m only here for her. It’s difficult as all my stuff is here and much as I love visiting my family, my friends at home are dotted about and my folks live in the sticks. I’ve been guilty of allowing my life where I live revolve around her. Mm. I need to get visiting friends anyway. Can’t stay on my Todd.

 

A question. I’m not sure how to go about no contact. I’ve tried this before with her and she just rang it understanding why I’d suddenly vanished. Eventually a ****ty text dropped through. Unless I say why I’m not answering it does appear like I’m playing games I suppose. Equally, how do I say I’m in no contact? Seems a bit weird me saying “I want us not to have contact”. This has happened before and she tried to get me against the ropes by saying “what are you saying, it’s over then?”. Irony is not sure what I have to be over. I tell you what, I wish I didn’t feel like this then I might have a pair of balls about it.

[Wallysbears]

Perhaps a trip to see your family and friends would be a great idea.

 

It gives you a bit of time to be away from her and get some clarity - without having to say things like "it is over"

 

Plus you could use to be around some company and people you love and care about alsol.

[preraph]

Understand that after a breakup, after attraction is over for the woman, women are very often perfectly able to have a "just friends" relationship, where very few men want one. So that's where you are. She's lost that lovin' feelin' and it's gone, gone, gone. You are wasting time hoping it comes back. IMO, you need to just tell her you aren't interested in being "just friends" and that she needs to respect that and stop contacting you.

[Twizzlestick]

Perhaps a trip to see your family and friends would be a great idea.

 

It gives you a bit of time to be away from her and get some clarity - without having to say things like "it is over"

 

Plus you could use to be around some company and people you love and care about alsol.

 

Good idea. I’ll have to clarify somehow my taking some time away so it’s clear and not me suddenly vanishing from contact which will only cause anger.

 

My Mum (bless her) thinks I should just tell her enough and end it.. she says I’m worth more than being treated like this. I can’t help but think come the new year I’m going to get the boot.

 

Damn hope. It’s the small carrot that’s dangling. She’s indicated she’s going to “think about everything inc a new job in the new year“. It’s agony.

[Twizzlestick]

Understand that after a breakup, after attraction is over for the woman, women are very often perfectly able to have a "just friends" relationship, where very few men want one. So that's where you are. She's lost that lovin' feelin' and it's gone, gone, gone. You are wasting time hoping it comes back. IMO, you need to just tell her you aren't interested in being "just friends" and that she needs to respect that and stop contacting you.

 

What you say drives right to the core of my greatest fears, but my rational head is saying to me. I’ve always known to myself I couldn’t “friend” my way back. Partly why I’ve been so cinfused what’s going on. She denied we’re in the friend zone but I know it’s not true and that we are. I think I’m just a plan D - at best. I think she just can’t face up to the decision.

 

I know from all those YouTube videos my attraction to her is as at its lowest right as it’s ever been dangling and waiting like this.

[Twizzlestick]

Latest..

 

Please bare with the essay, Intended to keep it brief but before you know it you have an essay...so hard to describe in few words...

 

She had just been to an interview for a career change she’s always wanted. During the lead up she became noticeably more chatty and warm. She would ring and ask about this and that for the job taking my support. I knew in my boots I was essentially a comfort blanket.

 

The interview went well. But within one day after it’s back to the same sparse breadcrumb type calls. I stupidly (kicking myself) offered to meet up Sunday. Throughout the last six months we’ve been meting up. She seemed very keen.

 

Something she said tripped my doubt and the old anxiety started. She mentioned “deciding things after the new year”. I did gingerly venture that I throughly respect her feelings but I was under the impression that given we haven’t broken up she was still thinking about things. She got annoyed and highly defensive, saying she”d just had the interview, hadn’t had time to think and now has Christmas and new year to think about first. She finalised that she was off to bed and if I’d come on the phone to argue then xyz..end of call. Me staring at the phone feeling confused how I’d come away being mr bad guy..

 

I came away astonished. Well not really if I’m truthful. This has been a feature of the last few months. So much so it’s made me feel very nervous. Like a nervous dog kept in a cage afraid of being struck by the owner..

 

 

I think given my position I’ve been asked to be in what I’d asked was reasonable. This has happened before. I wasn’t pushing for an answer. If anything tip toeing. Not only does she give nothing away to justify what she’s expecting. she gets angry and makes out I’m looking for an argument anytime I bring it up. Makes me feel so confused afterwards. It’s like I’m not playing ball. I think that’s called gaslighting?

 

What astonished me is she’s gone from lapping up my support and being warm to 48 hours treating my feelings like a mere inconvenience, like a broken washing machine. Mentioning she’s had the interview, now it’s christmas, then new year...and the rest..

 

And all the while she thinks there’s nothing wrong with this...

 

 

So. For one second I’m not telling you this as I’m intending to ignore advice above. My head knows this is wrong. But it’s the hope. I lack the balls not to feel doubt I might have blown my chances. “If this...“. “If only I’d done....” etc

 

She keeps dangling tiny tiny carrots. But after last night I feel like I’m a piece of litter. That she can use me for the interview and then mention wanting to get Christmas out of the way before deciding my fate. She seemed under the illusion I was still thinking about things myself. I put her straight that I’d never changed my feelings. I suspect she said that to make her feel better about stringing me along and less responsible

 

As it stands it was left we’d meet Sunday. But I know that’ll likely just end up with more pain for me. It would be the last time I’d likely see her. But I know what I should do is call Time after the conversation last night.

 

I feel like a turkey that’s sharpening the butchers knife for him (I know turkeys can’t do that without the thumbs etc )

 

Man. I know what I’ve got to do, but I’m not going to lie to anyone. I think a big bit of my subconscious wants to call Time in the hope will wake her up. And I know that’s a big mistake.

 

11 years of love reduced to this. She’s treating me at the end the same way it started. Being messed about...

[Million.to.1]

You've got to pull the plug on this contact for your own sake.

 

I think you are best telling her straight up that you can't meet her on sunday and you do not want to speak or have any contact with her moving forward.

 

Just be honest with her and say that you are still hurting and this friendship or whatever it is, is not helping you so in order to move forward with your life you need to cut all ties, for a extended period of time, perhaps indefinitely.

 

You have not blown your chances. The relationship is over. That is clear. You need to to force yourself to accept it, be strong and cut ties. That is the only way you will get out of this limbo land and be in a better place to eventually meet someone else and move on with your life.

[Twizzlestick]

You've got to pull the plug on this contact for your own sake.

 

I think you are best telling her straight up that you can't meet her on sunday and you do not want to speak or have any contact with her moving forward.

 

Just be honest with her and say that you are still hurting and this friendship or whatever it is, is not helping you so in order to move forward with your life you need to cut all ties, for a extended period of time, perhaps indefinitely.

 

You have not blown your chances. The relationship is over. That is clear. You need to to force yourself to accept it, be strong and cut ties. That is the only way you will get out of this limbo land and be in a better place to eventually meet someone else and move on with your life.

 

Wise words. Wise words.

 

Whether the relationship is over is something that’s had me perpetually puzzled. I respected her feelings she loves me, but not sure “if in that way”. But she refuses to state it’s over or conversely that I’m merely a friend. Sometimes she still talks as if we have a relationship and she just needs time. Other times she talks as if not.

 

What you say is true, I know in my boots, it doesn’t matter what she labels this awful dynamic, there is no relationship given a relationship is defined by actions and feelings. Sparse contact like this, gaslighting and breadcrumming aren’t a relationship.

 

The hardest thing for me is facing the loss. But that’s a whole other chapter. I know the last six minths I’ve been avoiding my fate, delaying the overwhelming pain. But I know I’ll feel worse waiting for the new year to be given the final “ending”

 

So, I’m expecting a call tonight. Ive got to pluck up the courage and think of my words. She’s quite commanding and has a habit of making things heated then accusing me of starting arguments (it’s weird, you have to see it).

 

I also don’t want to invite a big tirade of “reasons” from her. I’ve had her reasons six months ago. I respected them then and still respect them. I’ve just had six months of hell on hopium, and rather my wishes made and respected.

 

Knowing the issues with direct conversation, I’m drawn to send a Simple text. But, I sense she’ll validate that to herself as me dumping via text. The irony being I’m not dumping anything as there is nothing. But I do know she’ll twist that as a way to project anger at me and vindicate herself.

 

Mmm. Perhaps I’ll have to do it via phone and if she starts up then I’ll have to have a polite and gracious out from the call. Last thing I want to end on is a fight.

 

There’s been no cheating that caused all this, no huge arguments. Just a very sad story of feelings changing.

Edited December 15, 2018 by Twizzlestick

[Alamo657]

What you say is true, I know in my boots, it doesn’t matter what she labels this awful dynamic, there is no relationship given a relationship is defined by actions and feelings. Sparse contact like this, gaslighting and breadcrumming aren’t a relationship.

 

So, I’m expecting a call tonight. Ive got to pluck up the courage and think of my words. She’s quite commanding and has a habit of making things heated then accusing me of starting arguments (it’s weird, you have to see it).

 

I’m drawn to send a Simple text. But, I sense she’ll validate that to herself as me dumping via text. The irony being I’m not dumping anything as there is nothing. But I do know she’ll twist that as a way to project anger at me and vindicate herself.

 

Look, she dumped you this summer, but is holding on to the memories.

She is just as unable as you to cut contact, if for different reasons.

 

 

Given that the relationship is over, that you both talked about it, and that the "break" is just another word for "breaking up", you should simply text her a thank you for the 11 years together, that you're unsatisfied with the empty shell of a relationship that you 2 have today, that you wish her well; and will block her from your phone and social media to heal the wounds of your soul, for now, and maybe forever.

 

 

Cut the cord.

[Twizzlestick]

As per the title.

 

Breakups are emotive. I know folk can have Pre formed strong opinions about such things. So I’d appreciate if you could read the circumstances.

 

As per my other thread. Ex broke up with me in the Summer. She gave her reasons. I listened carefully, respectfully and didn’t beg. We downgraded to a “break” . I subsequently spent the summer thinking about her reasons and dicided if they would fit with what I’m able to do, how I feel and if they were something we both could work on. I laid my cards out that I continue to feel the same way, acknowledge her reasons and would love for us to move forward and address them.

 

Months have passed and it’s deteriorated. Won’t go long on details - in the other thread. But she’s treating me badly and has me dangling for months with the odd breadcrumb call. Says she wants to make a decision in the new year.

 

I intend to end this circular pattern and exit stage left. I have nothing left from her and scant hope.

 

Here’s the thing. She has expressed to me that whatever happens she wants to meet up to give her “reasons”. So, in essance, she wishes my audience to give yet even more reasons after dangling me for 8 months.

 

I flatly do not want to do this. We’re no longer in a relationship. She’s told me she doesn’t feel the same. Up until now I’ve conceded to her wish and kept in contact and met for drinks. It’s been agony. I just wish to go my way and leave her to her thinking whilst I try and move away from this pergatory.

 

The last thing I need is a final parting kick in the teeth. I’ve been furnished once with reasons in the summer. I respected them and treated them seriously. So she’s probably dreamt up a load of more reasons during the summer and autumn whilst she’s kept me on a hook. I see her giving more reasons as no intended benefit to me. It’ll only be for her for whatever reason.

 

Thoughts?

[ExpatInItaly]

There is no reason to meet up and hear the same things all over again. You need to start doing a better job of looking out for yourself.

 

Decline her invitation and go No Contact. You will never move on if you keep communicating with her.

[salparadise]

I agree. The dangling is BS. You know that someone who does that is getting some kind of sadistic satisfaction from control and manipulation. It's unlikely that a person who does this could ever be a good partner anyway. It's up to you to not allow it. The other thing is that any reasons she may give are going to be blame-shifting, intended to absolve her of any responsibility while enumerating your faults... more of the same BS. Cut her off quickly and completely. Block her everywhere and start getting on with your life.

[Cersei]

She is only interested in doing this to give herself a clear conscience and to make herself feel at peace. You don't need to hear her out.

 

Block, block, block!

[GoreSP]

I agree with everyone else.

 

I do have one thing to add though:

 

Working on the very, very slight chance she has been confused all these months and she somehow feels like you need exaplanation and reasons, you still don't have to hear her out of you don't want to.

 

Let her know you have no interest in continuing a relationship with her, wish her the best, and move forward.

[d0nnivain]

She hasn't extended much common courtesy to you by keeping you dangling for months. Your reasons for wanting to end her games are the only reasons that matter. You are not required to acquiesce to her demands now.

[Twizzlestick]

She hasn't extended much common courtesy to you by keeping you dangling for months. Your reasons for wanting to end her games are the only reasons that matter. You are not required to acquiesce to her demands now.

 

Thanks, appreciate the thoughts on it. It’s how I felt but good to bounce the ball off the wall and get an outside opinion. I find my judgement is always highly skewed under emotional stress.

[Twizzlestick]

I agree with everyone else.

 

I do have one thing to add though:

 

Working on the very, very slight chance she has been confused all these months and she somehow feels like you need exaplanation and reasons, you still don't have to hear her out of you don't want to.

 

Let her know you have no interest in continuing a relationship with her, wish her the best, and move forward.

 

Thanks. Just a point I very much do want to continue a relationship, if I felt I was in one. I don’t think we”re in one despite what she’s said in very very vague terms to the contrary - she’s left me with so little and so little to go off. Just declared 4 weeks ago, what she stated in June - that she loves me but not in that way. She has wanted to keep in contact while she see how her feelings are. But the more this has gone on the contact is more fleeting and she’s indicated a decision will be made in jan. So hence the reason for me having to retreat stage left. I’m just selling myself down the river in every respect dangling on her whim. I wouldn’t do it to spite, rather feel there’s no choice now.

[Marc878]

She has told and shown you it's over. Like most you refuse to believe it.

 

At this time you are stringing yourself along. No one else can do that but you.

 

You are living on hopium which doesn't get you a thing.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks. Just a point I very much do want to continue a relationship, if I felt I was in one.

 

Since you want to have a relationship, draw the boundaries differently. Agree to this meeting of hers & tell her what you told us -- you are sick of the games & you want to work to restore the relationship. If she wants that, great. If she equivocates, walk. You have a right to have the life you want & you chose. If she won't commit then you should break up definitively. It's not right for her to treat you like a yo-yo but it's even more wrong for you to let her.

[Twizzlestick]

Since you want to have a relationship, draw the boundaries differently. Agree to this meeting of hers & tell her what you told us -- you are sick of the games & you want to work to restore the relationship. If she wants that, great. If she equivocates, walk. You have a right to have the life you want & you chose. If she won't commit then you should break up definitively. It's not right for her to treat you like a yo-yo but it's even more wrong for you to let her.

 

Thanks,

 

There’s no actual meeting she wants yet. She has just said that when she does decide, whenever that maybe - in the new year for example - she wants to give her reasons (suggests she’s highly ending focussed of course). I know the min I say I’m calling Time she’ll want to flood me with her reasons anyway

 

What you suggest is something I hadn’t considered until now. I was intending a letter or text to say I can’t accept the situation as is, need to take time to start healing etc etc. Largely because discussing this subject in person raises annoyance and that she “can’t be doing with it” and wants to get Christmas over etc.

 

But equally I know I have every right to put it out there and what you suggest sounds reasonable presented to me and at least I’ve seen her in person to finally put it out there. If she does get angry then like you say I’ll toddle.

[Twizzlestick]

Right. Well update. I don’t feel easy about this.

 

I spoke to her today, she’d just finished work. I briefed myself before hand the aim - just to have a cordial chat. The sole aim was to end on a cordial tone as the previous conversation was argumentative. That way I’ll feel more comfortable when I take my next step my parting tone wasn’t left under an argument.

 

It was a standard, five min nothing but the inane chat. Friendly enough. She obviously recalled she agreed to meet today and asked if we could meet tomorrow. I agreed. Mmm.

 

I have no intention to do this to start the merry go round again.The reason I agreed is thinking about the above suggestion from a poster. Of trying to illicit whether she’s willing to move forward.

 

I feel anxious about it. I think it’s because I know she’ll start sighing and become argumentative. All I want is a cordial answer. If she can’t give a positive toned answer that’s fine. I won’t try and dissuade or Persue an answer. I equally am at risk at having to sit and listen to a load of reasons why not and start getting accused of “not being chilled out” by asking about the “banned subject”

 

The aim of the game is to state my feelings, garner true intent and if it’s still “I don’t know” , angry (likely), dismissive or anything less than showing intent, then I know I have to bail. The prob is on paper I’ll simply get the info and say “thanks, I’ll get the bill” and leave. But I know it could end messy, she’s a master gaslighter.

 

I think I’m playing with fire here.

 

Mmmm.

[Million.to.1]

Well, best of luck with the meeting.

 

If it was me, I would not bother asking if she still wants a relationship. I think it's pretty clear she doesn't.

 

You talk about wanting cordial answers, not getting into an argument and that she is a gaslighter. This relationship is broken. You guys and 11 years and she doesn't love you "in that way" anymore. Why do you want this for yourself?

 

You will feel so much stronger and better about this in the future if you take some control of your life and end the relationship for good and go no contact.

 

I think you know in your heart, as hard as it is, that you aren't on a "break" and that was just an easier way to actually step back for her.

I agree with other posters that you are the one stringing yourself along at this point, and you need to accept some hard truths and cut this cord for good, now, yourself.

[Marc878]

It takes two for a relationship. You can't do it on your own. Which is what you've been trying.