Iluvsiamese Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 My ex and I have been divorced for over a year and we have joint custody of our two children, 10 and 13. They live with me as their father has no place of his own. This is good for me as he is not the most responsible individual that ever was, neither as a person nor financially speaking. I have been flexible wrt his visitation rights and have been as accomodating as possible but he makes it difficult as he refuses to make any plans. He feels that calling to say he will pick them up for the weekend in a 1/2 hour is sufficient. I have tried calling him mid week and finally gave that up and told him to pick them up early Saturday evening and drop them of 24 hours later. Well, he stuck to that for a few weeks and then went back to his regular routine. Drives me nuts. Here is his latest stunt. He collected the kids at 4:30 on Saturday afternoon this past weekend. Did not let me know when he planned to bring them back but since we had made the agreement for 24 hours, I figured it would be around then. HOWEVER, he got into a fight with my daughter on Sunday about attending a second church service at his girlfriend's church after they had already attended the service at their own. It turned into a major screaming session, complete with language and so on. He got fed up with them (my son's comment) and decided to bring them home early. Since I was not at home when he arrived (I was at a friend's house attending a barbecue) he left them with one of my neighbours. His defense for that was that the neighbour volunteered and the kids were ok with it. When I found out, I was wild and told him that it was totally inappropriate for him to drop the kids off and leave when I wasn't home and it didn't matter if the neighbour volunteered or the kids were ok with it or not. They did not even have their keys to get into the house. He told me that he knew it wasn't appropriate but that he had a "situation" and so he went ahead and did it. The "situation" was his big fight with his daughter. He then proceeded to tell me that I needed to get her mental help as she had gone completely crazy on him and that I should look after this. That was the short version. I am debating on how to handle this. I am concerned that he would leave them with someone he doesn't know from Adam. People don't go around with a sign that says "I am a pervert"--not that I think the neighbour is, but I might not know either. As for my daughter needing mental help, I don't have problems like this with her. She has a learning disability and is ADD, but we manage pretty well. Her father seems to have a special talent for provoking her to the point of explosion. I asked my son for his take on it and this time he said it was entirely his father's fault and that he was totally unreasonable. This is not the first time he has brought them home early because he got into a fight with them, but it is the first time that I haven't been home. Anybody have any thoughts or advice?
d'Arthez Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 He has a girlfriend, but no place of his own? That creates a lot of issues with regards to visitation rights. However, as limited as my knowledge is on the legal matters, saying 30 minutes in advance "I am taking the kids with me", does not exactly seem to be a proper arrangement. His lack of permanent living space of his own, does not give him a free card to do as he pleases with the children. Where do the kids spend the night night when he has them? At his girlfriend's place? Grandparents' place? To leave the kids at your neighbors' place, without making an effort to call you (beforehand or at the time) to get there - is alarming to say the least. He is a parent, so he technically is responsibile for these kids, even when they are supervised by your neighbors. You should call him on his refusal to be responsible and plan his visits. You cannot realistically expect a 52-week prospectus, but more than 30 minutes and decent arrangements in case of delays, or sooner returns are necessary. Don't give in on that. Perhaps you should consider visitation with supervision - as a responsible parent, you cannot risk letting him make idiotic decisions with regards to your children. Which he did. Accomodation on your part in itself is good, but that has to be a reasonable accomadition, to reasonable demands; not the whimsical ones he puts forward. Also his comment on your daughter is somewhat disturbing. Of course, she suffers from ADD and has a learning disability. There is nothing wrong with her, so it appears. Just because she got into an argument, does not prove a thing - the issue is more likely that your ex is unable to be responsible about the children - and tried to divert the blame on her.
Author Iluvsiamese Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 One of the reasons I left him was because of his fiscal irresponsibility. To be truthful, he was irresponsible all the way around. He cared for nothing and no one beyond what worked for him and showed little or no interest in myself and his children. In spite of many people who have tried to help him, he considers himself right and everyone else wrong. He firmly believes that he was an exemplary husband and father and a paragon of virtue. Talk about self-deception. Since I left him, he has gone bankrupt, lived with his sister for awhile and then moved in with his girlfriend. He continues to give out his sister's address as where he lives because according to the terms of his girlfriend's separation agreement, no one is to live in the marital home except her and the children of the marriage. Her divorce is not final and won't be for some time due to financial wrangling. From what my kids have told me, my guess is that he is in deep financial doo-doo again already (it's only been a year since his bankruptcy.) The kids hate going with him because he just takes them to his gf's house and they don't like it there. He spends very little time with them, one on one. They can't stand her kids but go because their father pays them and it is open season wrt tv watching, playing playstation and computer games, and internet surfing (I have objected a few times about that one.) There is also no bedtime. They do get disciplined there if they misbehave which also doesn't go down well as their father is not allowed to speak to his gf's kids and she has lost control of them--they either ignore their mother or tell her where to get off and they are only 7 and 10. However, given the court's obsession with having both parents involved to as much degree as possible, I am not sure how much success I would have by taking such a route. I wish that things could be different, but that will never make it so. My daughter gave up on her father long before I did but my son still wants to believe in him, though he is finding that increasingly difficult. According to what I have heard, my daughter is now old enough to refuse to go with him if that is what she wants. I have not told her this as I am not sure if that would be the best thing for her. I know that her father would not believe this even if a lawyer were to tell him. He has no notion that the rules apply to him too. He even considers himself exempt from the speed limit as he was "a professional driver," meaning he was a truck driver. It's hard to imagine anyone this unreasonable and irresponsible.
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