Why am I so fearful to hurt my boyfriend and/or making the "right" decision?

[scaredtodeath200]

I have tried to approach my bf so many times to let him know I cannot live with him and/or we should break up (since I know he wants to live and marry me next year) after several years of dating.

 

My heart is still so attached to him...I do love him.

 

But...my head is telling me I'm making a really big mistake because we are just not financially compatible at all and we are both much older - i.e., I may end having to take care of him.

 

Every time I think I can do it; I "chicken out" after being with him for even an hour and sometimes, when I believe I've caught him in another financial lie (that has led to us breaking up in the past), it turns out he ends up telling me the "truth" or enough that breaking up with him at that point would seem crazy.

 

I know I don't need to "justify" breaking it off but he does give me a lot of emotional support - although my anxiety about his difficult financial situation also is not good for me.

 

Do you have any suggestions?

[preraph]

I mean, you should just tell him, though I know it will lead to you backing down if you're this afraid to tell him. If you really can't bring yourself to face him, write him and explain. Maybe he'll actually be okay not being married or having any finances intertwined.

[smackie9]

This is very similar to https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/670958-why-can-t-i-move-forward-my-bf

 

 

Nope don't do it. Have him as a gentleman friend/bf. You don't need to be mixin your financial stuff. If you live together get a cohabitation prenup put together by a lawyer to protect your assets.

[Lorenza]

You have to rip off the bandaid, there's no other way. That doesn't mean being cruel or unkind - just firm.

[d0nnivain]

You can take the "easy way" out & do nothing, continue as you are & try to discourage him from asking Qs you don't want to deal with. If he does ask just say something along the lines of lets' not rock the boat; I like our relationship just the way it is -- dating exclusively with different residences. My aunt & her gentleman solved the issue by moving into the same building but on different floors . . . close enough but still separate.

[Lotsgoingon]

Tough one for you ... I feel your confusion.

 

Just so you know ... you only marry someone who you TOTALLY respect.

 

If you think breaking up with someone would crush them--as in ruin their life irreparably--then you don't totally respect them. In other words, you only want to marry someone who you are confident could survive a breakup with you.

 

Otherwise, you're sorta blackmailing yourself and he'll participate in this blackmail even if he isn't right now (and he may well be).

 

Blackmail! ... Why am I talking blackmail?

 

Well here's what happens ... say you stay with him out of fear of "hurting" him. Well, at some point, he'll figure this out. Partners figure out a ton of information nonverbally--you don't have to announce this. But as soon as he figures out that you're with him because you didn't have the courage to break up, he'll figure out (consciously or unconsciously) that all he needs to do to keep you in your place and in his life is to threaten collapse if you leave him.

 

And people in his position will use that ... they will use that emotional leverage on you ... He will end up guilting you for all kinds of stuff later in the relationship. Of course, you can only guilt someone who feels guilty.

 

A breakup is not a shooting and is not a murder. It's a breakup. Sure, it'll hurt ... it's SUPPOSED to hurt. And it hurts for most people. Doesn't mean it ruins them. In fact, he will be free to find a partner who likes him MORE than you currently like him, someone who isn't staying with him because she's afraid of hurting him.

 

Breaking up with someone is often the pinnacle of integrity and honesty. Would you want someone to date and marry you because they're afraid of hurting your feelings? Your bf right now is totally out of touch with what you're really feeling. You don't want that kind of relationship.

 

And of course, by staying, you're setting a horrible example of betraying yourself ... and you will feel this pain in life ... and you'll feel anger or perhaps depression over betraying yourself ... And paradoxically, you'll be vulnerable to having an affair because you will be internally so miserable.

 

He's a nice guy. I get it. We don't marry someone because they're nice. We marry someone because we want to marry them and that's based on a ton of factors. Fear of hurting someone's feelings isn't a criteria.