she wants to live alone

[Whatsgoingon86]

Me and my partner have been looking for our first home together. For the past 3 months weve been searching for furniture, getting excited and talking about it together a lot. We recently found a house which is perfect for us and as its a house thats a member of her families we will have no ties, no deposit etc so its ideal to trial living together without having the ties of deposits or mortgages. We both agreed its the perfect first house for us.

 

Anyway 2 weeks ago we had an argument and it was pretty big, but we spoke the day after and BOTH decided to wipe the slate clean (there was nothing major involved like cheating etc, we just argued about how wed stopped having sex and how i felt she was distant). Anyway this past 2 weeks has been perfect, weve had sex again, affection she even said how everything is just exactly how she wants it again. Anyway yesterday we went on a little road trip to the seaside for a day. I mentioned on the way about the house, she went quiet. I said 'youve changed your mind havent you'. Turns out shed spoke to a friend 2 weeks ago and decided between them that it would be best to do it on her own. So im guessing that's why she was distant.

 

Now 2 parts annoyed me and we argued again, 1. That she made the decision without me and didnt even tell for for 2 weeks. 2. Shes now looking at furniture alone, getting excited alone and weve lost that thing we had together.

 

I told her it's took the shine away now as if we did it together its OUR house, OUR furniture etc that weve got together, if i move in down The line itll now be me moving into YOUR house. She said that's rubbish and will still want my input with furniture etc. I believed her. Then littrrally 5 minutes later her facebook messenger beeped. She seemed a bit weird about it, i asked who it was, she opened it and said 'its a chair ive been haggling to buy' i looked and said 'it looks nice you should get it for your house' she replies 'for our house as youll be there eventually' well i just felt down, i was so excited looking at stuff together and now shes doing it all alone and getting excited and again i just feel now like im waiting to move into HER house and not ours. I know its probably petty but it feels horrible. It also feels like our argument was about her being distant and now whats more distant than someone who hates being alone suddenly wanting to live alone. She cried last night and said how shes only doing it because wants us to work as she loves me more than i know, and thinks now that if we go too soon itll ruin us but for me doing it this way round feels like itll ruin us. She'll be sat in her house alone and ill be at mine it doesnt make any sense financially or anything.

 

She said she was waiting for the right time to tell me as didnt want to argue and knew id be upset. Shes also said how we can decorate together as it will happen eventually. I know im probably overreacting but its made me so sad. Im not even angry anymore just upset and feel down. And i actually feel a bit jelous that shes getting this house WE wanted while i have to stay where i am. The most annoying part is when she very 1st mentioned living together 3 month ago i said no. Now ive got on board and excited for 3 months its a no from her. Our friends know, family have bought US house gifts for xmas. It feels horrible this.

Edited December 13, 2018 by Whatsgoingon86

[BaileyB]

How long have you been dating this woman?

[basil67]

Looking at your history https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/671126-i-feel-invisible it's only been 5 months, you're already fighting frequently, the sex has dropped off, she's not meeting your needs and you're not happy with the relationship. Moving in together with this in the background would be an insane choice.

 

Give it 18 months. If you're getting on well, not fighting, still having sex and you're both happy...then consider it.

[BaileyB]

Only 5 months...

 

Insane. Let her move in with her girlfriend and see how the relationship progresses... Red flags abound in what you have shared.

[lovenoobi]

I'm sorry but I do find the stuff that you're bringing up very petty and you're not helping yourself by making them a greater deal than it is.

 

For instance it is disappointing that you are not living together anymore but you should just leave it as that. But you make it like its extra super disappointing because a) you were initially against it but then you came around to it and now she's crushed your expectation and b) all your friends and family were also expecting it too which just made the situation infinitely times worse.

 

I also double checked but you were also the OP who only recently created a thread about feeling invisible and the issues you've raised then just seems to be the same which I think is you're a bit too sensitive...

 

Plus in all fairness, the two of you agreed to look for a house 3 months ago. Since then you've had numerous little arguments until it finally escalated to the big "talk" recently in which the two of you agreed to re-start on a clean slate as it seems like the both of you have individual issues to work on. In my view a clean slate means you have to wipe out all the bad AND the good stuff and rebuild the relationship again as feelings have changed. It will most likely do the two of you good to work out what went wrong last time and delay moving in together until it feels natural for both of you.

 

In conclusion I do empathize with your disappointment and I also tend to be on the too sensitive side as well which I'm working on. But realistically I think the two of you have just been given a second chance to restart so it's not really a surprise that she would delay the move in together.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah, it's way too soon to be making such a big commitment. She is being very sensible by making it her place for now, and the advice she's been given probably says as much. She's covering her back, in case the relationship doesn't work. Which at only 5 months in, is very sensible!

 

its a house thats a member of her families we will have no ties, no deposit etc so its ideal to trial living together without having the ties of deposits or mortgages

That may be true but you're ignoring the other issues that can arise with this kind of house. Living in a girlfriend's family member's property is not always a good idea. I know it's boring to think about these things when you're excited to move in together but better to think about them now than when it's too late.

 

• Will you pay rent? What happens if you can't/don't pay one month? Who is liable: her, you, both jointly?
  
• Will you have a formal written tenancy agreement? What happens if you or the owner breaks it?
  
• Will you pay a security deposit and if so will it be protected?
  
• What about damage to the house, accidental or otherwise? Damage done by guests?
  
• What happens if the house needs maintenance (eg the boiler stops working) and the owner doesn't do it promptly? A normal landlord, there are official channels and you wouldn't have a problem using them. But would you go down these channels with a family member knowing it could make things very awkward?
  
• What happens if the relationship breaks down? Will you move out, and if so how much notice will you have, will you still be liable for rent, and will you get your security deposit back? If you don't have a formal tenancy agreement then you can basically be thrown out like a cat any time with no notice.

[Whatsgoingon86]

I'm sorry but I do find the stuff that you're bringing up very petty and you're not helping yourself by making them a greater deal than it is.

 

For instance it is disappointing that you are not living together anymore but you should just leave it as that. But you make it like its extra super disappointing because a) you were initially against it but then you came around to it and now she's crushed your expectation and b) all your friends and family were also expecting it too which just made the situation infinitely times worse.

 

I also double checked but you were also the OP who only recently created a thread about feeling invisible and the issues you've raised then just seems to be the same which I think is you're a bit too sensitive...

 

Plus in all fairness, the two of you agreed to look for a house 3 months ago. Since then you've had numerous little arguments until it finally escalated to the big "talk" recently in which the two of you agreed to re-start on a clean slate as it seems like the both of you have individual issues to work on. In my view a clean slate means you have to wipe out all the bad AND the good stuff and rebuild the relationship again as feelings have changed. It will most likely do the two of you good to work out what went wrong last time and delay moving in together until it feels natural for both of you.

 

In conclusion I do empathize with your disappointment and I also tend to be on the too sensitive side as well which I'm working on. But realistically I think the two of you have just been given a second chance to restart so it's not really a surprise that she would delay the move in together.

 

I agree that im probably being way too sensitive and ill have to suck it up. I know a big part of it is me knowing whenever i go round now and shes all excited showing me around her new house, new life and a place and showing me how shes decorated certain things differently to how we said wed do it, ill just find it hard smiling and pretending its amazing. I already know itll just feel rubbish and ill wish i had it with her.

 

It is the Best thing for us both in hindsight and im annoyed witg myself for agreeing to it in the 1st place when i knew it was too soon. Im also feeling ****ty that she almost got a job miles away and i agreed to move with her as she was worried shed not afford it. Now shes staying at her old job and got the chance for this family cheaper home ive taken it personally like shes decided to live alone now as doesnt need me to help with her bills. I know inside im looking at it all negatively and wrong, i just need to give it time and stop being mardy about it.

 

I think if we do decide to live together its probably best she gets this house alone, learns how to manage money as it'll be the 1st time shes lived alone and then we just move in together in a year or 2 into a different home thats ours.

Edited December 13, 2018 by Whatsgoingon86

[Wallysbears]

She's being smart not buying a house with a man she's only been dating for a few months.

 

This is a good thing and takes the pressure off your relationship. You can be a couple without the weight of having to make a major financial investment together at such an early stage in your relationship.