Why are women told "don't initiate, approach, a man?" We have to go by this?

[Dodgersfan11]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

[basil67]

When I was young and dating, I was also quite assertive with making my interest known. The guys who were interested in me responded well. The guys who weren't interested didn't act.

 

My guess is that you were assertive with guys who weren't interested.

[PegNosePete]

people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy

You should tell those people thank you for sharing your opinion but what I am doing is working for me.

[basil67]

You should tell those people thank you for sharing your opinion but what I am doing is working for me.

 

For that to work, one would have to avoid places like LS were opinions and advice to others abound.

[OpenBook]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

 

Because your behavior in the beginning stages of a relationship, sets the tone for the rest of it.

 

If you're doing all the work from the get-go, you are teaching the guy that he doesn't have to lift a finger to keep you around, and he will take you for granted or mistreat you without a second thought. This is human nature (not just men).

 

It's also wise to acknowledge (and work to your advantage) the "men are hunters" theory - the deer that's hanging around right in front of them is not nearly as enticing as the fleeting glimpse of the one that's running AWAY from them.

 

And you're right - it DOES suck to hold yourself back & not initiate. I don't want to have to think that much when I'm interacting with people!

[Stillits]

Because your behavior in the beginning stages of a relationship, sets the tone for the rest of it.

 

If you're doing all the work from the get-go, you are teaching the guy that he doesn't have to lift a finger to keep you around, and he will take you for granted or mistreat you without a second thought. This is human nature (not just men).

 

It's also wise to acknowledge (and work to your advantage) the "men are hunters" theory - the deer that's hanging around right in front of them is not nearly as enticing as the fleeting glimpse of the one that's running AWAY from them.

 

And you're right - it DOES suck to hold yourself back & not initiate. I don't want to have to think that much when I'm interacting with people!

 

.....? Isn't it the same in reverse, then?

[Cersei]

I think it's ok to initiate because guys don't always pick up on levels of interest.

A good male friend said he is clueless if a girl is interested in him. My brother told me that he likes when girls have tried to pick him up. It takes out the guess work and it's an ego booster.

 

I do see what an above poster said about setting the tone though. That is pretty eye opening.

[BaileyB]

I don't believe that is what women are told to do these days...

[Garcon1986]

Do what feels comfortable to you. I would ask you out, but I couldn't cater to your interest in pro sports

 

Many men out there would be honored to have a woman pursue them. But also, there are men who will take advantage of the situation.

Just keep up your internal rubric of how you want to be treated and make it known.

[PegNosePete]

Because your behavior in the beginning stages of a relationship, sets the tone for the rest of it.

Rubbish!

If the guy doesn't lift a finger to keep you around, let him go.

If he takes you for granted or mistreats you, dump him.

 

Do you really think a decent man will suddenly become lazy / douchey / abusive just because the woman asked him out first? Or vice versa, that a bad man will become good just because you don't chase him? No, if he's like that then he will always be like that. His personality won't change based on who does the "chasing".

[Gretchen12]

I've never been told that. What country do you live in? Or I should ask what country are those friends of yours from?

 

The only problem I can see when one person (either gender) chases the other aggressively, is that the one being chased is getting an ego boost, and may enter a relationship with the chaser when he's not really attracted to her or compatible with her. He just likes the attention.

 

It's especially bad when a guy has few dating options, and you show a little interest, then he wants a relationship because of your availability, not because you're someone he would have wanted to pursue. So if you chase a guy and he turns you down, it's a good thing, it means he can say no.

[bathtub-row]

Read the book “Getting to I Do” by Pat Allen/Sandra Harmon and you’ll understand the rationale behind what you refer to as rules.

[stillafool]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

 

Well now you are no longer a teen but a grown woman. Approach men in a way that feels comfortable for you. Don't listen to what others say do what is comfortable for you.

[losangelena]

Outdated advice.

 

Of course you can show interest/approach if you want to.

[alphamale]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

 

well in this day and age many women are taking the bull by the horns and are making the first move. In the past year I have had 5 women ask me to go out with them but I had to decline all of them because they weren't my type.

[Serotonine]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

 

This is a rudiment from the traditional society we used to have some 50 years ago.Things are very different nowadays.

 

By initiating contact with a man you will have a tactical advantage over other women,this is for sure. As a man,I can confirm that most men don't know how to read women well and miss on indicators of interest.

 

Bear in mind that we live in a highly hostile for men environment now.Initiating a contact with a woman at work or study place can cost a man his career, his life,his future. It is extremely risky move and clever guys prefer not to take it unless 100% sure (which is never).

[d0nnivain]

It's antiquated advice but it stems from some idea that men value a woman more if she's harder to get & he has to work for her.

 

For some (cave)men, that may be true but I think most modern folks would be flattered by attention.

 

I don't know that I'd chase but I see no problem with a woman breaking the ice or asking for that 1st date.

[outwithpeterpan]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

 

It's not that it looks ugly, it's that it doesn't end well for you. Because in practice, here's how it usually plays out. Girl approaches guy she'd date. Guy doesn't want to date her, but would be down for sex. Girl gets pumped and dumped and feels bad. If you want a serious long term suitor, you need to challenge men to choose you over their alternatives.

[basil67]

It's not that it looks ugly, it's that it doesn't end well for you. Because in practice, here's how it usually plays out. Girl approaches guy she'd date. Guy doesn't want to date her, but would be down for sex. Girl gets pumped and dumped and feels bad. If you want a serious long term suitor, you need to challenge men to choose you over their alternatives.

 

The risk of getting 'pumped and dumped' as you say is real. And if a woman isn't open to the risk of this, she shouldn't approach men. But the fact that some guys do this doesn't mean that great guys will avoid a woman's advances.

 

Also, I've read plenty of posts where guys approach woman and then feel used because she wasn't interested in a relationship. There's no guarantee for him either.

[Ronni_W]

Do you really think a decent man will suddenly become lazy / douchey / abusive just because the woman asked him out first?

It is a sad fact that men (and some women) do indeed become complacent (not, by definition, actually 'lazy' or 'douchey' or 'abusive',) once they are settled into a relationship.

It's not generational, because I see my step-sons doing it, also. It's almost as if they have a 'dating-and-putting-my-best-foot-forward' persona and some other, different personality

that is not a mirror-image of the first. (For example, one of the men who was 'courting' me pretended to enjoy live theater...for eight (8!) years...and only after that,

the truth came out that he really didn't like live theater at all. But, he kept up the façade until he thought that it wouldn't matter to me.

 

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc.

This is the (old-fashioned) 'advice' that my generation of women used to receive, also. It goes all the way back to the patriarchal societies of Abraham, and

certainly has no place in any society that values equality and same-reward-for-same-efforts. Neither gender is compelled or obligated to go against their own 'gut instinct' or inner conscience.

[snowboy91]

I don't get why women have to "sit back and look pretty" and wait for a man to initiate contact, ask on a date, let him come to you, let him miss you, approach, chase, check you out first, etc, etc. What are these rules? I use to be the opposite in my teen years, I would chase, check out guys, which I always thought there was nothing wrong with that, then people told me that I'm acting desperate and that it looks ugly for a girl to chase a guy. Well, lesson learned several years later. So, I'm not suppose to check out guys at all? I just have to sit back and wait for a guy to talk to me? This sucks.

 

That's because it was your teen years, and teenagers especially are really judgemental about sticking to arbitrary social rules. The rules might have made sense 50 years ago, but in this age of supposed equality and diversity the social standing of women has changed for the better, but a lot of common dating rules haven't caught up. What you might find as you get older is that some people are more likely to throw out the rule book entirely, and just do what feels comfortable.

 

For most people, asking someone out is nerve wracking. Guys just get comfortable doing it because we have to, under the rules that's what's expected of us. I haven't ever met a guy that might consider it "ugly" if a girl asked them out. It would appear desperate if they won't take no for an answer, but guys can look desperate too if they won't leave a girl alone.

 

Just go for it. Ask someone out. Walk away gracefully if he says no. Get to know him if he says yes. Have fun.

[FMW]

I think the idea behind it is that a guy who is into you will pursue you. If he doesn't, then either he's not that interested (but will say ok just to get sex) or he's a passive guy with whom you'll always be the one steering the relationship (and most women aren't going to be happy with that).

 

Do what feels right to you, don't be bound by arbitrary "rules".

[5x5]

It's not that it looks ugly, it's that it doesn't end well for you. Because in practice, here's how it usually plays out. Girl approaches guy she'd date. Guy doesn't want to date her, but would be down for sex. Girl gets pumped and dumped and feels bad. If you want a serious long term suitor, you need to challenge men to choose you over their alternatives.

 

I have turned down plenty of women who asked me out or offered me sex, because I wasn't interested in dating them or having sex with them at the time.

 

That said my first wife, expressed her interest in me first. Which was followed with sex a few hours after we met.

 

While my current wife who I've been with for more than 22 years (19+ years married). She asked me out on a date, and I was happy to say yes. I slept with her the night of our first date, no sex as such. Just lots of fondling, talking and kissing. We then followed it with sex on our third date.

 

On the other hand I did pump and dump one woman, who asked me out on a date. She paid for that date, dinner, film etc, while she also picked me up and took me back to hers.

 

As a consequence of my finding the sex was boring and it wasn't helped by her wanting to do it in the dark. With her I didn't intend it to be a one night thing (she was very attractive), yet I wasn't going to keep going with someone who I didn't like having sex with.

 

Yet I've also had one night stands and not even one night (just sex in that moment before I moved on), with different women that I propositioned or asked out (so it happens when the guy pursues as well.

 

While the same has occurred with other women who propositioned me or asked me out, yet the same thing has happened.

 

Sometimes it was mutual as to it being a one time thing, sometimes it wasn't. For example I got with one woman at a party. As best as I can recall I started it but she was wanting it, she then wanted to be with me after that, yet I didn't which is where it ended.

 

 

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As to the idea that a man not asking is passive. When my wife asked me out I had just been re-dating a woman (that I asked out), who I previously dated a few years before when I first got divorced. I was attracted to my wife yet I worked with her, and knew she was in some sort of a sexual relationship with another man.

 

So I didn't ask her out and wasn't planning to, then when she heard another woman at work was going to ask me out, she jumped before her to have a shot at being with me.

 

I'm certainly not passive, and have had no problems asking women out, or getting with them. Yet plenty have asked me out or initiated getting with me, and I don't mind that at all. When available I've said yes to the ones I liked and no to the ones that I didn't want.

 

 

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One thing that surprises me is that the idea that women shouldn't ask is a thing at all.

 

Way back in the early 1980s from Year 6 in Primary School, I had girls and later women in the late 80s (when I became an adult) asking me out quite often.

 

When I was 16 I changed schools and within the first couple of weeks, 5 of my female peers had asked me to be their boyfriend. That kind of thing just kept going on after that.

 

Likewise plenty of my male friends form then through now, have also been asked out by women as well. So this isn't a new thing.

[Wallysbears]

Why Men Love Bitches is a best selling book for a reason.

[NuevoYorko]

Of course you don't have to go by it.

 

Traditionally women lured, men chased, but we all now live in a time when people are free to challenge traditional gender roles. If you want to be the initiator, do it. If it puts a guy off, then he was not right for you anyway.