Fed up

[Fair]

If you don't want to behave the way you claim men do, with respect to pining after their ex's, you would do well to not do that yourself either.

 

I just broke up with him... there's a grieving stage... I'm in it. A dangerous time... does not constitute 'pining' for him. I don't want him back. But I'm still angry and want to kick him where it hurts for treating me like a fool. I want to rip him and everyone around him to shreds.

[chillii]

Think l'll stay outa your way for awhile

[elaine567]

My current wife is the only woman I have ever been with that I haven't dumped.

 

 

That put you firmly in the driving seat, you were in control, so that is a lot easier on you than being dumped, though I concede being cheated on is hard.

BUT it was cut and dried, finito, no going back, as far as you were concerned.

You can simply move on.

 

Being left in limbo or being walked out on or unceremoniously dumped is a lot harder especially if they then have to keep in contact with the ex-wife for years/decades afterwards due to children.

Pining not only I guess for the dumper, but pining for their old life too. Lots of hopes and dreams mixed up in marriages.

Marriages tend to have deep roots, it is not just a relationship between two people.

I guess some just want it all back and the new woman/new life may not really pass muster.

[stillafool]

Wow, maybe try dating men who have never married. Date younger men.

[chillii]

There's plenty of guys meeting new women that are still stuck on ex's too or some other issues, see all those threads all the time too.

Unfortunately there's all kinds of baggage that comes with age for anyone it goes both ways in one way or other equivalent .

When l divorced the first biggest thing in meeting the right person was that if you did she wasn't too messed up to be in something new.

That was huge and l was amazed at the difficulty in finding that someone that was still sane and capable of something new.

l thought many a time along the way this is impossible. Not to mention usually 3 or 4 kids in tow too and all kinds of shyt going on there at the very least.

Matter of fact personally l thought most will never be able to hold down anything new or real ever again.

 

But it's the same deal , you just can't get too involved with someone too messed up.

Edited December 14, 2018 by chillii

[ChatroomHero]

Men who are still hung up on your ex wives... the new woman is going to PICK UP ON IT INSTANTLY. Do everyone a favor, save some drama, and stay out of the dating pool.

 

 

 

I wonder if you are looking for things to prove your theory and finding them if you look hard enough. I can think of 2 different women that were really into me and from the start would ask about an ex, or if I was still seeing them, or if I thought about them...almost insisting I must be.

 

 

One of the exes being referred to I had mentally forgotten she existed 2 months after I kicked her out and the other had addiction issues that I would have put in jail if she came around again. A girl I dated after knew much of the story with the addict and still insisted I must be hung up on her. I couldn't want anything less to do with her, but it was still a case of them assuming I was pining for my ex. It was odd because I never mentioned my exes to someone I dated unless they asked and even then I gave a summary because I know longer thing about the exes.

 

 

I wonder if you might be super-imposing a pre-defined template on guys you meet because some guy you dated was hung up on his ex.

[alphamale]

Wow, maybe try dating men who have never married.

 

Usually, people who have never been married have their own set of issues which explains why they have never married

[carhill]

Also, men who have never married can and often do have LTR's and can still be hung up on ex'es. The marriage/divorce thing is the legal part, the relationship is the emotional part. The divorce does prove they were 'hung up' enough on an ex to tie themselves legally to her at one point. Some men, and women, don't believe in marriage but still believe in relationships, even monogamous relationships.

 

I've had women go off on me for even mentioning my exW, like in passing with a positive and topical memory. Like I'm supposed to hate her like Satan or something. Ooh you must still love her. Wackos!

[loversquarrel]

I assume you don't share children. In any event, good for you for leaving your ex's behind.

 

That said, I doubt as a man you know much about what's really going on with your male friends... it takes being in a relationship with someone to find out what's really going on. Usually.

 

Actually he is dead to nuts with his post, that is me to a tee. She may have initiated the end of the marriage by her infidelity while I initiated the divorce. Believe me when I say I haven't looked back, not for a second.

[alphamale]

I've had women go off on me for even mentioning my exW, like in passing with a positive and topical memory. Like I'm supposed to hate her like Satan or something. Ooh you must still love her. Wackos!

 

:lmao:

[Fair]

I've had women go off on me for even mentioning my exW, like in passing with a positive and topical memory. Like I'm supposed to hate her like Satan or something. Ooh you must still love her. Wackos!

 

Don't judge. Women are like this for a reason... nine times out of ten, he's still hung up on her and they've seen too much of it not to be hyper sensitive to the possibility the next jerk is going to have the same problem.

 

It's simple... if there's no feelings for the ex, don't talk about her. There's never a legitimate reason to bring up 'memories.' Men have to stop blaming women and look at it from her point of view.

[Fair]

I wonder if you are looking for things to prove your theory and finding them if you look hard enough.

 

Absolutely not. I don't blow up at the first mention of an ex... but if it keeps on, becomes more frequent.. becomes obvious... yes, I have an issue with it.

 

Again, you are another one who initiated the divorce, not her. I keep trying to make the point that it's always the guys whose wives initiated the divorce who are the ones who never get over it.

 

You're in the minority. Most men don't initiate divorce, which makes dating for women after a certain age a nightmare. You can say 'everyone has issues'... let me tell you, it's never to the same depth as a man who married a woman and has children with her who was burned by her as well. Never.

[carhill]

Don't judge. Women are like this for a reason... nine times out of ten, he's still hung up on her and they've seen too much of it not to be hyper sensitive to the possibility the next jerk is going to have the same problem.

 

It's simple... if there's no feelings for the ex, don't talk about her. There's never a legitimate reason to bring up 'memories.' Men have to stop blaming women and look at it from her point of view.

They asked a question. I answered. This kind of crap is why choose to live alone and probably will the rest of my life. Why bother with wackos? Not me brother. Women talk about their lives, ex'es kids, dogs cats all they want. Think you're gonna stop me? Not alive, you won't. Clear enough for you?

[Fair]

They asked a question. I answered. This kind of crap is why choose to live alone and probably will the rest of my life. Why bother with wackos? Not me brother. Women talk about their lives, ex'es kids, dogs cats all they want. Think you're gonna stop me? Not alive, you won't. Clear enough for you?

 

It's absolutely clear. Yes, you'll be alone forever and so will anyone else who has no sensitivity or regard for the feelings of others. Everyone knows bringing up an ex is going to cause drama by default, so why people dig their own holes by doing it is beyond me. I don't bring up and go on about my past relationships. Why should I? They're DONE.

 

When I go out on a date, I expect my date to be invested in getting to know me, not just use me as a sounding board while they wine and cry about a woman from their past who cheated or something and then left... if they want to hang onto THAT rather than pay attention to someone better and doesn't care enough to consider my feelings while they blab about her.... by all means... stay single. It's doing everyone a favor.

 

Beyond wanting to throat punch him for being an idiot, my now EX is never going to see me again because he's chosen to be a fool. An Avoidant. An emotional coward... and on and on... One day he and men like him will realize their mistake but it probably won't be until it's far too late... how I'd love to say 'I told you so." Only by that time I won't care enough to do even that. With any luck, I'll be in a stable relationship or married and loved by someone who deserves me.

[chillii]

Most women talk about ex's too but your a woman so maybe you don't hear about that right.

 

l go with carhill , women do assume but nah l don't believe it's always because of other men they just do, it's just female, well for many anyway, if you were a guy you would've lived plenty of it.

Me and gf talked everyday all day while she was away but the first thing she found 5mins after being home was a long brown hair,that's an oldy l dunno how women always find hairs.

Ahh , you know my daughter was here yesterday love. l think she's getting it lab tested as we speak, kidden.

But she is still suss.

Dunno where in hell l had time for other women.

 

Personally though , l don't think your ex is hung up on the ex so l hope that makes ya feel a bit better. l don't think that's what his shyt is about.

 

Not being interested in something else or you or me, doesn't mean it's about ex.

lt could be just us , or it could be anyone, no one.

But reading about him nope , l don't think he wants ex back in a pink fit especially after 20yrs.

[Fair]

Wrong, it's not just women being like that. Women aren't in general treated very well by men... or by society at large.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I don't really think it's reasonable to expect a person to never speak of another person with whom they shared a large portion of their life. That's silly and antisocial.

 

There IS certainly a line to be drawn, far short of stalking. But you can't expect someone to discard or rewrite their memories or redact portions of the story of their life permanently to appease your own insecurities.

 

My fiancé and I both reference stories occasionally that involve exes. We've both had substantial long-term relationships for a good portion of our respective adult lives. It would be awfully painful to have a conversation about our life experiences if we had to dance around the fact that there were other people present.

 

That sounds exhausting, and frankly if you expected that of me I might pretend to stalk my ex to get out of dating you.

[basil67]

Fair, you say this

I don't blow up at the first mention of an ex... but if it keeps on, becomes more frequent.. becomes obvious... yes, I have an issue with it.

 

Then you say this

It's simple... if there's no feelings for the ex, don't talk about her. There's never a legitimate reason to bring up 'memories.' Men have to stop blaming women and look at it from her point of view

 

then you say this

Women talk about their lives, ex'es kids, dogs cats all they want. Think you're gonna stop me? Not alive, you won't. Clear enough for you?

 

Have you got any idea how nonsensical you sound? Not only do you contradict yourself in what you want from a man, you expect special exceptions for women who talk about their exes. With this attitude, it's no surprise you're struggling.

Edited December 15, 2018 by basil67

[Serotonine]

l don't believe 95% of these stats they come up with and even if that were true all it says is that women these days are weak and know less about making a marriage work than men.

And that they think more about themselves than their kids .

 

But whatever the case despite the fake happy face l've seen many women put on as they get through divorce , and the mess so many leave in a wake , it's obviously very much a trauma for both.

My ex went bananas and so did most of the other ex wives l know of.

Matter of fact , it was usually the wives causing the havoc later and unbelievable stuff too.

 

Not to say it's always that way but in my circle it was what it was, just was.

Most of the guys were pretty peaceful and more concerned about their kids and keeping it together for them, or moving on with someone new only to have the ex trying to wreck that too and all kinds of bs.

 

These stats come from divorce petitions. They dont suggest women are weak,it's something else much deeper and more fundamental. In short-women are not wired for long term relationships, they are wired for serial monogamy with each relationships lasting up to 5-7 years. With invention of the pill,no-fault divorce and socialism -the need for having a husband has significantly diminished and hence women can excercise their optimal sexual strategy (serial monogamy).

 

This cant be repaired anymore and will eventually destroy the insititute of marriage within the next 20 to 50 years. The society is slowly returning to the pre-agricultural model when a top 5-20% of (higher status) men had harems while other men simply did not reproduce. This is already the case (de-facto) in large western cities.Its not obvious but if you dig deeper you will see that "succesful" (famous,rich,athletes etc) men have a good rotation of 3 to 5 girls/women (from single girls to married mothers of 3,depends on age and place) while the rest of men dont.

Edited December 15, 2018 by Serotonine

[elaine567]

I think bringing up exes in conversations with new partners is something both men and women can get upset about, sometimes very upset about and to some it is a dealbreaker.

I get the whole baggage thing and that everyone needs to be so cool and put up with almost everything, but there is a limit.

 

People who have their exes uppermost in their mind, cannot stop talking about them and that is not really a good basis for any new relationship.

Whether it is that they hate their ex or that they love their ex or that they are still in close contact with their ex or that they are pining for their old life... etc. is immaterial, truth is they have "unfinished business" with that ex and that is often a big problem for any new relationship.

People tend to like to feel important to their SO and that is undermined when their SO keeps bringing their ex into the conversation, especially when there is no good practical reason to do so...

[Fair]

Fair, you say this

 

Then you say this

 

then you say this

 

Have you got any idea how nonsensical you sound? Not only do you contradict yourself in what you want from a man, you expect special exceptions for women who talk about their exes. With this attitude, it's no surprise you're struggling.

 

It does sound nonsensical since you're quoting carhill and me both. That last quote isn't even mine.

[Fair]

I think bringing up exes in conversations with new partners is something both men and women can get upset about, sometimes very upset about and to some it is a dealbreaker.

I get the whole baggage thing and that everyone needs to be so cool and put up with almost everything, but there is a limit.

 

People who have their exes uppermost in their mind, cannot stop talking about them and that is not really a good basis for any new relationship.

Whether it is that they hate their ex or that they love their ex or that they are still in close contact with their ex or that they are pining for their old life... etc. is immaterial, truth is they have "unfinished business" with that ex and that is often a big problem for any new relationship.

People tend to like to feel important to their SO and that is undermined when their SO keeps bringing their ex into the conversation, especially when there is no good practical reason to do so...

 

Thank you. My point exactly.

 

This is nothing more than common sense.... if you CARE about making it work with a new person, you won't rattle on about your ex for no reason. If you do, you should be treated as yesterday's garbage.

[2.50 a gallon]

What about men dating women with children?

Not only do you have to put up with listening to them talk about their ex, but in most cases, being as they share a child, you are going to meet him.

Should I treat her as yesterday's garbage?

[Fair]

What about men dating women with children?

Not only do you have to put up with listening to them talk about their ex, but in most cases, being as they share a child, you are going to meet him.

Should I treat her as yesterday's garbage?

 

Obviously that's a different scenario, isn't it? This is NOT someone who has NO REASON to keep bringing up an ex and has unfinished business.

 

Anyway I'm done trying to defend and explain something that's so simple. I can't make people understand something they're committed to misunderstanding.

[Gretchen12]

I think I can give some specific examples of what Fair might be talking about.

 

Me: I like a lot of cheese on my pizza.

Him: Haha, yeah Susan (his ex) also likes a lot of cheese.

 

Sure, his comment was harmless. But was that really necessary? Anyway I said nothing and the conversation moved on only to repeat similar scenarios. He said she is family. There were also times when he said "my wife" instead of "my ex wife".

 

Then one time Susan (who divorced him, and is still married to the man she left him for 20 years ago) showed up, to my surprise, on one of our dates. He had invited her. During the "date" whenever Susan said "my husband" my first reaction was she was talking about my guy. Then I'd quickly realize she was talking abut her real husband.

 

This makes for a good farce. Afterwards, the guy I was dating texted me and said something to the effect that Susan approved of me. Ok....

 

Of course by then I had written him off and not for this reason alone. Really not angry with him, he is what he is, way before I came along. I just looked at the whole package and said No.

 

This guy remained single for 20 years after his divorce. He never had a long term relationship again and just hangs on his ex wife's family. I think the ex's husband tolerates his presence because he's not a threat, just a poor hanger-on.