Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 It took me a year and a half of spending time at my current guy’s place before I invited him to mine. My place is clean, comfortable, I’m not hiding a husband/bf, but my guy is rich and I’m not. He owns a big beautiful house and I live in a crappy little apartment (that I love). I think it might have bothered him. We were lying around one day and I said something about luring him over to my place and he jumped all over it with a very enthusiastic “I’d love to see your place!” I would never have guessed he would care about that. It doesn't matter the size of someone's house. What matters is the openess to each other. But did he ever mention he would like to visit at yours and you shut him out? Probably not.
grays Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 It doesn't matter the size of someone's house. What matters is the openess to each other. But did he ever mention he would like to visit at yours and you shut him out? Probably not. This sounds to me like you only want to hear advice that backs up your feeling that something is wrong. The way he jumped on the idea made me think, oops, he’s been wondering why I haven’t invited him. And upthread you said a couple of times that people should want to reciprocate after they’ve been to your place. I wasn’t stressing at all about the idea of having him at my place. I just didn’t think it mattered to him. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 OP, why don't you just ask him what's up? 1
olivetree Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Him: I have this and that to do this Saturday and later on the day would like to come back here to yours if it's ok to you. Me: Or I don't mind to drive and go to yours this time. Him: But is a long drive for you and I really prefer to come because I like it here at yours. That sounds totally fine and much different than him "saying no to your face." I'd have just said "I don't mind the drive at all. Let's go to yours. I want to see where you live." But you also have another issue and that's that you're not going on dates anymore, so you should stop accepting home dates and suggest going out as well. 1
preraph Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 There can be NO good reason for it. There can't. The most obvious is he already is in a relationship with someone and cheating on them. That's the most likely. Other reasons would include, as someone else said, being a hoarder or living in a home he keeps like a pigsty, but that never stopped any guy I ever knew from bringing poor women over. Or he lives with his parents and doesn't want you to know. Or he has a devastatingly good looking roommate who will steal you. But there cannot be one good reason for it. It's all dealbreaker stuff, pretty much. 1
MivoUK Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 And also the fact that he stopped asking me out on dates. He just wants to bring food and come to my place and stay here. Honestly he likely has something to hide. Although it doesn’t mean he has a family or secret wife on the side. It could be one of many things. As a guy who has been in a similar situation myself. I’ve had ladies in the past ask to come to my place and it’s always been a no... Because of course I had something to hide. In my case I always avoided bringing women back to my house because I just didn’t want to reveal my true occupation to them. It can be many of different things depending on the guy.
anika99 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I'm sorry but I don't think that saying "next time I don't mind driving and going to yours" is communicating indirectly. I was very direct. If he was ok with me going there, he would say something like "yes ok". And that's it. It seems to me he is the one who doesn't communicate directly, because he gave me a bunch of excuses of why I can't go there. Good Grief. Why is it so hard to just have a direct conversation with someone? Why can't you just straight up ask him if there is a reason that he doesn't want you to visit him at his place? There could be any number of reasons. Maybe he truly thinks he's doing you a favor by driving to you. Maybe he thinks your house is nicer to hang out than his. Maybe he's a slob and he's embarrassed for you to see his place or he's too lazy to clean. Just tell him you want to go to his place and if he side steps again just ask him why he's avoiding having you to his house. How are bunch of people on the internet supposed to know? Ask him. 5
snowcones Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Ok so you believe he doesn’t have a secret wife but you can still tell him that you won’t be seeing him until you can meet up at his place.
LightestofCadmiums Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 He had invited you over initially, and you had to cancel. I do not think he has anything to hide, but perhaps he is not planning on the relationship to go very far, and coming to your place is more convenient for him. By doing so, keeps you at a distance. He has a clear understanding you would like to come over and yet he isn't. His actions show lack of concern on his part to compromise and men wll compromise when the expectation is not a big deal or crossing a boundary. Does he take you on dates? 1
fred123 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Good Grief. Why is it so hard to just have a direct conversation with someone? Why can't you just straight up ask him if there is a reason that he doesn't want you to visit him at his place? There could be any number of reasons. Maybe he truly thinks he's doing you a favor by driving to you. Maybe he thinks your house is nicer to hang out than his. Maybe he's a slob and he's embarrassed for you to see his place or he's too lazy to clean. Just tell him you want to go to his place and if he side steps again just ask him why he's avoiding having you to his house. How are bunch of people on the internet supposed to know? Ask him. as if talking to him is gonna help! hes just gonna lie duh!
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Does he take you on dates? Apparently not... And also the fact that he stopped asking me out on dates. He just wants to bring food and come to my place and stay here.
kendahke Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 OP: if he's got all these detractions going on, again, why do you want to be with him so badly? Anything that is this much work where you won't own your own voice and speak up for yourself ain't going to last another 3 weeks. 2
Gretchen12 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 When you end it with him, and he doesn't understand what happened, are you going to tell him what's been upsetting you? Will you say, "because you never let me come to your place so I think you have something to hide" or "I'm just not feeling it" or "I don't want to talk about it." I doubt you'll tell him the real reason, and that's good. Because if you tell him, he may rectify the situation and then what will you do? You are not right for each other if this one simple thing poses an issue. Better just end it and don't explain. . 1
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 You know if you ever want a relationship to work, you are going to have to speak your mind, because men are not mind readers. Why can't you just explain your thoughts and feels about this with him? You never know a light bulb just turn on in his pea brain that it means a lot to you and if he wants to continue see you, this is something he must do to make you happy. Now if a man doesn't think he has to keep his lady happy, then he needs to be kicked to the curb. 4
kendahke Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Him: I have this and that to do this Saturday and later on the day would like to come back here to yours if it's ok to you. Me: Or I don't mind to drive and go to yours this time. Him: But is a long drive for you and I really prefer to come because I like it here at yours. Here is what you should have said, since this is an issue for you. This is being direct and taking responsibility for what you want: Him: I have this and that to do this Saturday and later on the day would like to come back here to yours if it's ok to you. Me: "No. My place is indisposed for company and I'm rather over being at my place all the time. I'm coming to your place today. I'll be there at 7:30." him: But is a long drive for you and I really prefer to come because I like it here at yours" Me: "It's a long drive for you, too and my car is in good working order and I'm grown and not 16--I can drive. I'll be there at 7:30." (If he insists at this point): If this is your decision, then I am going to go do something else instead. I don't want to post up at my house this evening. I'd like to go out and do something, so I'm going out with some of my friends. Call me when you've got your place together".... and I stop dealing with this cretin until he opens up a can of "act right" and quits trying to turn into my new roommate. Savage? Yeah but I don't have any one playing "let me move in with you" games. 1
stillafool Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Him: I have this and that to do this Saturday and later on the day would like to come back here to yours if it's ok to you. Me: Or I don't mind to drive and go to yours this time. Him: But is a long drive for you and I really prefer to come because I like it here at yours. I would have said: Me: No, I'm going to come to your house this time. Don't ask, tell him what you're going to do.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Tell him you want to meet his wife When I was dating my now wife there was a room in her house she wouldn't let me open the door to... I never really knew back then why as I respected her wish and never opened the door but I gathered it was a mess, later on when we moved her out the room was just a bedroom that had nothing but tons of junk in it, a mess as it were... She was embarrassed.. honestly I told her it wasn't that big of a deal but she thought it was.. I'd bet his house either isn't as nice as yours or he is pretty messy, maybe lacks furniture or is just renting a room somewhere.. 3
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I would have said: Me: No, I'm going to come to your house this time. Don't ask, tell him what you're going to do. OK but she doesn't actually know where he lives.
Art_Critic Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Time for public records... go to the counties tax assessor website and look him up, or google till you find an address.. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Maybe he decided he want you for FWB. He comes over and doesn't have to share his address, that way you can't find him if he ghosts. 1
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