snowcones Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 If it were me, I'd tell him that we can see each other again when he's ready to let me come to his place. If he asks why I'd say because I think he has a secret wife/girlfriend and until he's ready to let me see him at his place, I won't believe otherwise. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 OP, is this the same guy who told you he loves you on your first date? His reluctance to let you see his house could be as innocent as a shabby pad or a weird room-mate or the fact that he still lives with Mom or something. Combined with the first-date declarations of love, though, and I would be getting a very strange vibe from this person.
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Going to his house is an ISSUE for you. this is the 2nd time you have posted about it. Is it a deal breaker for you? If so, dump him. If not, I'd point blank throw it back at him: "the only reason I can think of that you won't give me your address or let me come over is that you are married. I don't date married men." Then see what he says. If he gives you some BS about being embarrassed throw that back him too: "What are you doing with me that you think I'm so freakin' shallow that I'd think differently of you based on your living circumstances?"
Gretchen12 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Are you sure you expressed yourself clearly? Was it: OP: I don't mind driving to your place. The Guy: That's ok... it's a long drive. I prefer to come to you. Or was it: OP: I want to go to your place this time. The Guy: No. You may not. (To which you should have responded "why not?") Before jumping to conclusions and playing cat and mouse, make sure the understanding is clear. 1
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 Are you sure you expressed yourself clearly? Was it: OP: I don't mind driving to your place. The Guy: That's ok... it's a long drive. I prefer to come to you. Or was it: OP: I want to go to your place this time. The Guy: No. You may not. (To which you should have responded "why not?") Before jumping to conclusions and playing cat and mouse, make sure the understanding is clear. This was the second time I told him something about it. He invited me over to his house before he even came to mine, but due to a family issue, I couldn't go at that time. I told him I would love to do that another time, but after he came to mine, he never invited me again. That time he said he would come and pick me up at mine to drive me to his house, so I don't have to drive alone. So, this time I told him I could drive and go to his this time, why didn't he say the same? That he would pick me up and take me to his. This time the long drive just felt like an excuse.
Wallysbears Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 (edited) This was the second time I told him something about it. He invited me over to his house before he even came to mine, but due to a family issue, I couldn't go at that time. I told him I would love to do that another time, but after he came to mine, he never invited me again<snip> I would venture to guess that your house is nicer than his and perhaps he is embarassed by his in comparison. Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 OP, is this the same guy who told you he loves you on your first date? His reluctance to let you see his house could be as innocent as a shabby pad or a weird room-mate or the fact that he still lives with Mom or something. Combined with the first-date declarations of love, though, and I would be getting a very strange vibe from this person. Yes is the same guy. To be honest, it's not really the why he's reluctant to let me see his house, but the fact that he doesn't care about it. If this was the other way around, if I was staying over at his several times, I would be inviting him over to mine too, without him even having to say anything about it. And I would like him to know my address too to know where I am, even before he visited me for the first time. But that's just me. I wouldn't feel right to have someone opening their home to me, and I don't reciprocate and show no care at all that I go back to my house after being at his, and he doesn't even know where my house is. Even with friends you do that, they invite you to theirs after you invite them over, not from obligation but from openess to share each other's lives, so that is even more important in an intimate relationship I guess. The fact that he doesn't care about any of this is a huge red flag to me, regardless of why he's not inviting me over.
preraph Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 It's because he is living with some woman or married to one. I wonder if he even gave you his real name. Try to see if his insurance card is in the glove compartment next time you're in his car and he steps out and verify his name and then do a $25 background check. 1
basil67 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Talking to him about it is a great idea. However, the only plausable reason he doesn't want you there is because he's hiding something. A wife? A hoarding habit? Rats? Inability to do housework? Could be anything....but if it's bad enough that he needs to hide it, you don't need it in your life.
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 And also the fact that he stopped asking me out on dates. He just wants to bring food and come to my place and stay here.
basil67 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 That time he said he would come and pick me up at mine to drive me to his house, so I don't have to drive alone. Does he think you're too inept to drive there on your own? Or does he want you there without means of leaving on your own terms if you wish to? 1
olivetree Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 This was the second time I told him something about it. He invited me over to his house before he even came to mine, but due to a family issue, I couldn't go at that time. I told him I would love to do that another time, but after he came to mine, he never invited me again. That time he said he would come and pick me up at mine to drive me to his house, so I don't have to drive alone. So, this time I told him I could drive and go to his this time, why didn't he say the same? That he would pick me up and take me to his. This time the long drive just felt like an excuse. Sounds like after seeing your place, he feels embarassed about his. You should just ask him point blank why he doesn't seem to want you at his place. I would also no longer allow him to come over if he's going to be weird and secretive.
Gretchen12 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 This was the second time I told him something about it. He invited me over to his house before he even came to mine, but due to a family issue, I couldn't go at that time. I told him I would love to do that another time, but after he came to mine, he never invited me again. That time he said he would come and pick me up at mine to drive me to his house, so I don't have to drive alone. So, this time I told him I could drive and go to his this time, why didn't he say the same? That he would pick me up and take me to his. This time the long drive just felt like an excuse. But you still didn't answer my question. I get the feeling the conversation was closer to my first example? You are someone who communicates indirectly. You prefer subtlety, you might even be offended by bluntness, it works for some people. If it was indeed a misunderstanding and you dump him, it'll be for the best anyway because long term you need the same communication style.
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 But you still didn't answer my question. I get the feeling the conversation was closer to my first example? You are someone who communicates indirectly. You prefer subtlety, you might even be offended by bluntness, it works for some people. If it was indeed a misunderstanding and you dump him, it'll be for the best anyway because long term you need the same communication style. I'm sorry but I don't think that saying "next time I don't mind driving and going to yours" is communicating indirectly. I was very direct. If he was ok with me going there, he would say something like "yes ok". And that's it. It seems to me he is the one who doesn't communicate directly, because he gave me a bunch of excuses of why I can't go there.
olivetree Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 I'm sorry but I don't think that saying "next time I don't mind driving and going to yours" is communicating indirectly. I was very direct. If he was ok with me going there, he would say something like "yes ok". And that's it. It seems to me he is the one who doesn't communicate directly, because he gave me a bunch of excuses of why I can't go there. I think Gretchen is looking for you to clarify how the exchange went, because context is everything. I am a bit lost on that too. Can you do a "Me: (dialogue), Him: (dialogue)" thing to the best of your memory?
stillafool Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 And also the fact that he stopped asking me out on dates. He just wants to bring food and come to my place and stay here. Next time make plans to take food and come to his place. No excuses, insist on it. If he declines again you have a problem.
stillafool Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 But you still didn't answer my question. I get the feeling the conversation was closer to my first example? You are someone who communicates indirectly. You prefer subtlety, you might even be offended by bluntness, it works for some people. If it was indeed a misunderstanding and you dump him, it'll be for the best anyway because long term you need the same communication style. This is important for us to know was it 1 or 2?
Gretchen12 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 I'm sorry but I don't think that saying "next time I don't mind driving and going to yours" is communicating indirectly. I was very direct. If he was ok with me going there, he would say something like "yes ok". And that's it. It seems to me he is the one who doesn't communicate directly, because he gave me a bunch of excuses of why I can't go there. Direct is not necessarily better! I say things like "I want to see your place. This weekend ok?" Him: No. Me: Why not? When can I come? THAT is direct for me and it annoys some people! I wasn't criticizing you. I'm sure a lot of men prefer your finesse. 1
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 NO matter how direct or indirect she put it, it is irrelevant, he is a grown man. He knows what he is doing. The issue is he has not divulged exactly where he lives to someone he has been dating for a while. Something is just not right here. He fobbed her off when she suggested driving to his place, what is that really all about? He is hiding something, I guess it is a pretty big deal too... 1
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 I think Gretchen is looking for you to clarify how the exchange went, because context is everything. I am a bit lost on that too. Can you do a "Me: (dialogue), Him: (dialogue)" thing to the best of your memory? Him: I have this and that to do this Saturday and later on the day would like to come back here to yours if it's ok to you. Me: Or I don't mind to drive and go to yours this time. Him: But is a long drive for you and I really prefer to come because I like it here at yours.
grays Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 It took me a year and a half of spending time at my current guy’s place before I invited him to mine. My place is clean, comfortable, I’m not hiding a husband/bf, but my guy is rich and I’m not. He owns a big beautiful house and I live in a crappy little apartment (that I love). I think it might have bothered him. We were lying around one day and I said something about luring him over to my place and he jumped all over it with a very enthusiastic “I’d love to see your place!” I would never have guessed he would care about that.
fred123 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 are u bf and gf? are u just seeing each other? or are you exclusive? 1
grays Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Him: I have this and that to do this Saturday and later on the day would like to come back here to yours if it's ok to you. Me: Or I don't mind to drive and go to yours this time. Him: But is a long drive for you and I really prefer to come because I like it here at yours. No ted flags in there for me. Maybe it’s hard to park at his place. Could be anything.
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 NO matter how direct or indirect she put it, it is irrelevant, he is a grown man. He knows what he is doing. The issue is he has not divulged exactly where he lives to someone he has been dating for a while. Something is just not right here. He fobbed her off when she suggested driving to his place, what is that really all about? He is hiding something, I guess it is a pretty big deal too... EXACTLY! He knows very well my intention and he just shut me out.
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