Newheregirl Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 I started dating this guy, and after a few dates he invited me for dinner at his house, but due to a family issue we had to postpone it. On a different day he came to see me where I live, and we ended up spending all day together and went back to mine where we had sex and slept together for the first time. It was really nice and he ended up staying 2 days with me before going back. Now we were talking about seeing each other next time and he mentioned to come over to mine again. I was a bit surprised by this, because I think it should be his turn to invite me to his house for that dinner, right? When he stayed over at mine I mentioned that to him, that it was unfortunate that we couldn't do it that day but that I would still very much would like to do that. I would like to see where he lives as well and get to know him better that way. And I think is just fair, since he stayed over at mine 2 days. I just don't want this to turn into something where he comes to mine all the time and I don't even see where he lives. Of course I can tell him something like "hey why don't I go to yours next time"? and see what he says, but the bottom line here is, shouldn't he be the one mentioning it?
d0nnivain Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Playing tit for tat & keeping score is a fast way to ruin any relationship. If you want to go to his, speak up. Don't sit there being annoyed because he didn't ask. 6
carhill Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Whose family issue was it? In general, the CPA I had for a father told me early on that once one starts seeing a relationship as an accounting exercise, it's doomed. It doesn't flow rather is relegated to double-entry accounting. That's fine for business but not for emotional and intimate relationships. Myself, I was always pleased when a lady accepted my invitation to entertain her at my home. For some it was their first real introduction to country life. In any event it was a normal part of dating besides doing public things. How far is the distance for you all? Sounds a bit like a LD deal.... 2
Gretchen12 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 You should be concerned that you couldn't immediately say you'd rather go to his house. If you can't tell him what you want, I don't see how the sex can be good. 2
smackie9 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Just tell him it's his turn. wow is that really hard? 2
SophieG Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 I would simply ask him. When I started dating the guy I’m seeing 5 months ago, he always came to my place. I always hinted that I could come over, but he would say : « I’ll make the drive, don’t move, I’ll come to you ». I let that slide for 6 weeks (so that means 6 weekends spent together at my place). He would sometimes mention that he doesn’t like his place, it’s small and really basic. At some point I asked him straight up and he said he was ashamed, didn’t want me to see his place for fear of me judging him. I didn’t push it. 4 weeks later, he asked me to come over. We were exclusive and getting more comfortable around each other, so I think he feel okay letting me come in his space. Let’s just say that today I get why we’re always at my place ! So just ask him! He might not see there’s a problem! 1
diddilybop Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 haha, i don't think it's really worth the energy to tally how many times who's been at who's place - especially so early on. if you really want to check out his place, just casually ask to see if he'd be down to make dinner at his spot. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 (edited) Most likely your bf's living space is a mess right now, and he's procrastinated on cleaning and straightening, so he wants to hang at your place. In my view, you are right to see this as an issue. Say something along the lines of "hey, when are we going to stay at your place? I'd like to see your place." You can do this with a smile and a voice that says, I really want to get to know you ... I'm so curious and want to know your world more. Words like these prompted me to clean up my living space when I was younger. Staying over won't be 50-50, as others have said. One person might simply have a better living space or be a better host or live in a more convenient location or be A LOT NEATER than the other. But seeing his place is definitely important to knowing him ... and making sure there's not another woman staying there ... but also to see things ... hints of his interest, what he has on his walls, if he can keep order and so on. Most likely his place is a mess, but keep pushing! He'll clean it up enough to have you over, but you gotta keep pushing. Edited December 6, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
ElKay Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 I live with my family and a dog that is anxious with visitors (even reocurring ones), so I'm not bringing guys here until the house is to my liking. It didn't seem to cause an issue yet, but I've told anyone I've dated about my reasons. Ask him and then you'll have something else to analyze or think about.
preraph Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 Don't say you want to go to his house at the last minute, but do bring it up on your next date and say, You know, I never did get to go over to see where you live. Next time you're ready for company, let me know. I'd like to see it!" 1
Author Newheregirl Posted December 6, 2018 Author Posted December 6, 2018 Thanks everyone for your replies. The family issue was mine, not his, that prevented me to go to his house that day. It is definitely not a question of accountancy, or numbers, or how many times I stay at his versus how many times he stays at mine! It's more a genuine interest for me to know him better. Because he has stayed at mine, he saw my world. My personal things, my choices, how I live, my interests, etc. I think is fair enough for me to see his world too and get to know him. After that, it really doesn't matter who stays where more often. I just don't like the feeling of opening my space for him like this, and then he goes away back to his house and I stay in the dark just imagining how his place is like and how he lives. I don't take a relationship as an accountancy thing, but I think it should be of equal parts opening up and showing themselves. It makes you feel welcome too. And after all, he invited me already to go there first, so why not inviting again, right!? 2
smackie9 Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 Ya but some guys can be lazy,..... you entertained him for a whole weekend, that does take effort like making sure the fridge is stocked, sheets are washed and the place is scrubbed right? Why do that when he has full maid service/food at your place. 3
Mrs._December Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 Ya but some guys can be lazy,..... you entertained him for a whole weekend, that does take effort like making sure the fridge is stocked, sheets are washed and the place is scrubbed right? Why do that when he has full maid service/food at your place. This is very likely EXACTLY why he's so eager to come back to your place again. YOU did all the work while for him, it was like staying at a nice hotel where he had to do precious little all weekend but enjoy the spoils. I don't agree with the claims that you're keeping score. It has nothing to do with that - you opened your world up to him now it's time for him to step up to the plate and do the same for you. But I do agree that you should keep score in a way because the LAST thing you want to do is set a precedent where you're the one always hosting. Some of them get incredibly lazy once you start doing that and they begin to see you as a bed and breakfast every weekend. You end up being the one doing all the work, all the shopping and cleaning before they get there, and you're the one incurring all the expenses every time for the groceries and drinks and snacks and everything else for the weekend. So in a way, you DO kind of have to keep score or you might get taken advantage of. 1
Author Newheregirl Posted December 6, 2018 Author Posted December 6, 2018 (edited) This is very likely EXACTLY why he's so eager to come back to your place again. YOU did all the work while for him, it was like staying at a nice hotel where he had to do precious little all weekend but enjoy the spoils. I don't agree with the claims that you're keeping score. It has nothing to do with that - you opened your world up to him now it's time for him to step up to the plate and do the same for you. But I do agree that you should keep score in a way because the LAST thing you want to do is set a precedent where you're the one always hosting. Some of them get incredibly lazy once you start doing that and they begin to see you as a bed and breakfast every weekend. You end up being the one doing all the work, all the shopping and cleaning before they get there, and you're the one incurring all the expenses every time for the groceries and drinks and snacks and everything else for the weekend. So in a way, you DO kind of have to keep score or you might get taken advantage of. It wasn't like that at all actually. He cooked food for us at mine, went out to get some groceries (that he paid for), washed the dishes several times, even brought me breakfast in bed. He did a lot more whilst staying at mine than I actually did the whole time. Edited December 6, 2018 by Newheregirl 1
darkmoon Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 (edited) invite yourself over, take the initiative...see into his life or just ask him what his address is Edited December 6, 2018 by darkmoon
Wallysbears Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 My husband never spent the night at my old house. I went to his and then moved in with him. My house was a small twin and he had a larger single. And his was closer to everything. He even moved my dogs in with him before *I* moved in.
Author Newheregirl Posted December 6, 2018 Author Posted December 6, 2018 My husband never spent the night at my old house. I went to his and then moved in with him. My house was a small twin and he had a larger single. And his was closer to everything. He even moved my dogs in with him before *I* moved in. I'm sorry, what's your point? That is fine if the woman goes to the man's place all the time and he never goes to her place, but the opposite is not? I think both are strange to be honest. To me normal is to reciprocate.
carhill Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 Yes, reciprocating hosting is customary, regardless of sleepovers. One can go to dinner at the home of another and go home after. ExW and I did it a few times but settled on stayovers due to the distance (60 miles), given we both liked a few drinks with our eat-in dinners. Better safe than sorry. IMO, the dynamic of dating either flows or it doesn't. Since the family issue was yours, and the cancellation was for his hosting, I'd renew the interest in that, something like 'I was so bummed to have to cancel and would look forward to seeing your place xxxx. What can I bring?' If things flow, he'll take it from there. Happily
Wallysbears Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 I'm sorry, what's your point? That is fine if the woman goes to the man's place all the time and he never goes to her place, but the opposite is not? I think both are strange to be honest. To me normal is to reciprocate. We were engaged within weeks and moved in within months. Married 8 years in march. 1
Author Newheregirl Posted December 6, 2018 Author Posted December 6, 2018 Yes, reciprocating hosting is customary, regardless of sleepovers. One can go to dinner at the home of another and go home after. ExW and I did it a few times but settled on stayovers due to the distance (60 miles), given we both liked a few drinks with our eat-in dinners. Better safe than sorry. IMO, the dynamic of dating either flows or it doesn't. Since the family issue was yours, and the cancellation was for his hosting, I'd renew the interest in that, something like 'I was so bummed to have to cancel and would look forward to seeing your place xxxx. What can I bring?' If things flow, he'll take it from there. Happily I have done that. I told him exactly that you said. And he said nothing about it and I believe next time we see each other he is planning in coming over to mine again.
Author Newheregirl Posted December 6, 2018 Author Posted December 6, 2018 We were engaged within weeks and moved in within months. Married 8 years in march. Congratulations, that's super awesome and romantic.
Author Newheregirl Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 I have been dating this guy for a while, he has been coming to mine and staying here every week. I haven't seen his place yet and I don't even know his address. Last time we were together we were talking when to see each other again, and he said on Saturday he will come to mine again if it's ok with me. I told him that I don't mind driving and meet him at his place too. He basically said no to my face. Said it's a long drive for me (it's 45 minutes and is the same time each way), and that he prefers to come to meet me. I was really put off by his response. I opened my space to him and I feel he's not open to do the same to me. I don't like he coming over, then going back to his house and his life and I have nothing to do with it. I don't even know his address! I know the location he lives, but I have no idea the road, the house number, nothing. I was quite stunned he said no to my face and whilst in my house. He later said I can go to his anytime I want. But still he didn't say "come to mine instead on Saturday", or anything like that. I feel stupid and being put off. I am sad at this and don't even know how to to talk to him about it. I feel I have to talk to him about it, but I want to know the reason why he said no, and make no plans for me to go there. Is he hiding something!? I don't want him to simply tell me to go there just because I'm talking about it or for him to feel any pressure to do it, I just want to know why he doesn't have the same openess to me, and tells me no to my face whilst he is at my house. Any ideas of how I can talk to him about this?
Garcon1986 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Just ask the old chap if there is something that bothers him about his house, that he wouldn't want to show it off to guests. As easy as that. Mention that it is curious why you two are comfortable with staying at yours, but not at his. Men prefer the direct line of questioning as long as it is not coming from a place of confrontation. 1
True gentleman Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 How well do you know him? Is it possible he is married? If not that, then he may be embarrassed by the condition or area of his home. 1
JS84 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Yea the minute I finished reading this I'm wondering if he has a hidden family or something. That's a pretty huge red flag. 1
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