lebaguettistan Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Hello guys, So here is the story, 4 years ago I met a guy on tinder, he was on a business trip in my city. He told me that is married and has children, but is in an open marriage. After some sightseeing (people of culture haha) we had a one night stand followed with few months of texting, during which he said he feels like falling in love with me, but mostly it was a lighthearted exchange of pictures of food and jokes. We never planned anything and never met anymore, he lives 5 hours by plane away and had no plans of breaking up with his wife. Eventually the connection died out, we just stayed friends on Facebook without ever chatting anymore. Recently he resurfaced saying that have split with his wife 2 years ago and got divorced 3 months ago. That he never forgot me, wants to give us a shot, even though it is still a long distance, but he is ready to fly to me if i let him invite me for dinner and see what happens, that circumstances allow him to be around often if things go well etc etc. He said that was in an open marriage and his wife knew about me. I am bothered. First - is it strange to reach out to the person he met so briefly so long time ago? Looks like he got a divorce and when the dust was down noticed my pictures on facebook, went through our old chats and decided to meet. He had not tried to contact me for years, I dont believe that he kept thinking of me and dont know if I like that he insists on this so much. Second - for me open marriage is something from another world, do people engaged in open relationships have somewhat of a different life views or it's just circumstances? Meaning - should I expect that someday he'd want same kind of relationships with me? He said that in 8 years of marriage he had sex on a side only once, which means it was me. But we didnt just met somewhere unassumingly, it was on tinder so he was actively looking for sex and i dont know if i believe it happened only once. On top of everything - there is a distance and the only way we can be together is if he moves here, for many reasons I'll never be able to live where he lives. How is he gonna figure out about seeing his kids is unclear. Im 35, tired of online dating and currently dont meet a lot of new people, in my most recent relationships I experienced being lied to and betrayed. It's tempting to try what would happen (and maybe have a good company for my planned vacations), but due to the distance just a date with this guy feels like i have to think a lot about a meeting, cuz if I agree - it's gonna be a very expensive date I wonder if the situation is too complicated before it even started or it's me who sees everything in a complicated way? The idea that I am yet to find out if the whole "open marriage" thing was truth exhausts me, I have no energy for another round of lies and excuses. But also dont want to be too paranoid, maybe it's just life? I didnt think about him all this time and dont have any particular interest in him, I am attracted to the general idea of spending time with someone who is as fun, easy and straightforward as he seems to be. I'm wondering how this situation looks from the outside? Should I be more easy about giving it a shot or it already looks like a future disappointment? Would really appreciate all opinions!
Wallysbears Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 I'm going to guess that perhaps he wasn't in an "open" marriage but was rather a cheater and probably got caught and his now ex wife divorced him. And honestly? I wouldn't bother with him. 1
Garcon1986 Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 If you get into a relationship with this lad consider the possibility he is someone who will divorce as soon as he sees the next more attractive woman come down the street. This deserves some careful insightful thought before diving in, so you don't get hurt. A few dates doesn't hurt, but consider the baggage that comes with getting into a LTR with a divorced man with kids. An open marriage means different things to different men.
carhill Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Welcome to LS.... So, you met when he was married, an open marriage he called it, and had a sexual relationship, or at least a sexual fling, and later parted ways. He's now divorced and looked you up again and is interested in restarting your interaction. So, a couple things: Have you independently verified he's divorced? At the time, you apparently had no inhibitions about interacting with and having sex with a man who's in a self-professed open marriage. What is your overall viewpoint on open marriage? How do you feel about monogamy? Does the man in question still prefer non-monogamous relations? If your relationship goals are different but you still enjoy each other's company, view him as a social/sexual partner and not a relationship/marriage prospect, for now anyway. Sounds LDR anyway. Have fun when you get together and leave it at that.
olivetree Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 I'm not sure I would believe it was actually an open marriage, more because he seems the type to blow smoke up your bum with the following things: -Said he was falling in love with you after a one night stand and some texting... seems a bit much / unlikely -Said he only had sex outside the marriage once (and it was an open marriage). Don't know if I'd believe that -Said he has thought about you all these years -He lives long distance and wants to give it a shot... again after a one night stand years ago and a bit of texting. My gut feeling is not to trust this guy. I think he just says things he thinks a woman wants to hear.
Simple Logic Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 Sounds like a clear case of the wife wanting a open marriage and it didn’t work out. I would be confident you would be the only woman in his life. Is that what you wanted to hear?
Author lebaguettistan Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 Thank you all for your replies! I understood what (not) to do And even reading my own post was pretty helpful Have you independently verified he's divorced? At the time, you apparently had no inhibitions about interacting with and having sex with a man who's in a self-professed open marriage. What is your overall viewpoint on open marriage? I already understood I wont see him at all, but to respond - he is definitely divorced, it's obvious from his FB pics with the family and comments (there were some like celebrities' style break up announcements, not a husband and wife anymore but dear friends and loving parents etc). I personally absolutely dont get an open relationships, but I know many situations where even independent women knowingly stay with cheating husbands, so I dont know, maybe in some cases it works both ways. I also have a friend who for a year stayed married and even lived with his de facto ex-wife to help her while she was dealing with her financial and personal stuff. And part of my logic was - he could easily dont mention his family at all and I'd never find out (I know now it doesn't work like that). I mean, I know it's not an excuse, but at that moment I excused myself believing that dont hurt anyone. Also I have a feeling their "openness" might be technically true, maybe his wife decided to let it be while kids are small. After he left we kept being in touch and I didnt feel any guilt about it, I knew we wont meet again and didnt think about it. Sounds like a clear case of the wife wanting a open marriage and it didnÂ’t work out. I would be confident you would be the only woman in his life. Is that what you wanted to hear? Yeah I get it I wanted to hear opinions from outside because I have my issues and sometimes create a negative fantasy in my head, go full paranoid about men's previous relationships etc and then make a 180 turn and create a positive fantasy how someone will change and everything will be fine. I feel lonely and wanted to verify I'm not throwing away a chance which other people would go for.
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I don't think anyone would go for him....after reading your thread, I wouldn't go near him.
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