How do I respond to this message?

[nolanola]

If you're going NC, you're going NC. Full Stop. I don't believe you have to be completely inflexible about it, but if she asks you questions about what is happening in your life (like about your custody hearing) that falls into the "you don't get to know because we're broken up" category. It might sound harsh, but you need it to do 2 things. One, get some perspective for yourself and remove yourself from the back and forth. Two, let her see what it means to break up and to possibly lose you from her life. NC will help you do both.

 

Like you say, if she wants to get back together, talk things out, etc, she can express that and you can decide if you want to pursue it. Otherwise, you are going to wind up in a grey zone where you still have feelings for her, she touches base with you from time to time to make sure you haven't gone anywhere, and she will get the sense she can do what she needs to do without worrying about losing you. I have been there and that sucks -- just my two cents.

 

NC sucks a lot but it's the best thing in most cases.

 

ETA: I usually think announcing your intention to go NC to the other person can be kind of passive aggressive, but it might be best in this case to send her a message (or email or something) to let her know why you won't be replying for a while. It can be uncomfortable to set boundaries, especially if you worry about upsetting her. It's so hard to draw a line, but you might have some comfort knowing you've been kind but firm.

Edited December 13, 2018 by nolanola

[somywatchends]

Thanks Again, not sure if I will completely ignore or just send a short message about needing my space if she does. Part of me wants to write an email/letter laying out all the crappy things and unfair ways it was handled leading to this. I will do that for my own journaling but not send it because it wont do any good anyway and anyone in that situation has to see things for themselves.

[bathtub-row]

I don’t think you need to ignore her but, yes, limit your communications with her.

[somywatchends]

I'm baaaaaackkkkk !!

 

Since my last post I have been doing a lot of soul searching, have been practicing Mindfulness and Meditation. Getting better but still having reoccurring thoughts trying to figure it out.......

 

So I have kept to the low contact thing. We have exchanged a few brief texts since and I've stayed largely unemotional but of course kind and open in the exchanges. Her Aunt did pass away the day after Christmas, she texted me "in case I wanted to know and care" which I expressed my sympathy for and let her know of course I cared. Then came the exchange today.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Happy New Year Eric. I hope you had/have your babies for their birthday and it was better than last year... Although, last New Years Eve didn't turn out that bad, just not as we had planned... But I hope you had a nice NYE and birthday celebration! Yay 14!! I'm so sorry for all the disappointments this past year...I only hope this next year will make up for it all...I hope you are abundantly blessed with only good. You deserve to be SO happy and only the best. Your a good man Mr. MYNAME.

 

Always~Me

 

>>>>

 

I replied with a kind text back, stating I appreciated the words and that she was right last new years didn't turn out "so bad" and lots of stuff was not"so bad" until stuff starting sliding downhill and acknowledging that I know it affected her as well. Wishing her peace and happiness and just letting her know that when I don't reply/text right away its just me dealing and not meant as not caring.

 

 

>>>>>>>

 

I then get this response;

To be clear, I said I hope you had a better new years Eve than last year, considering it didn't go as planned with the girls birthday, but it did turn out good. I wasn't referring to the whole year, as I agree, there was SO VERY MUCH that was GREAT in the last year. I will always hold so much very close to me. Many many times I miss you... But I'd been missing you/us for quite awhile.

It does bother me when you don't reply... That is one of my worst pet peeves as I feel like I'm just left hanging. I understand that your dealing, and figured as much, it's just frustrating and makes me feel ignored... Like I'm now an ex that you just shrug off and you'll get to when you get to, if at all. Very hard not to take personal. Tonya did it too... As you know. So when people say that your important to them, but don't even have the decency to treat you that way, it's made pretty clear where you stand on their "important totem pole". (Not in particular you, just how I feel about it in general)...I understand I may just be too close, as talking to me may stir up a bunch of stuff... So I get it. It just sucks. Anyway... I really wanted to know how things are with the girls, if you did get them for their birthday, if your ok... All that stuff, but you seem to shimmy around any of that when I inquire... So, maybe I don't need to know. I just want to know that there is progress being made, and that me being out of the picture may have brought them closer to you...?

Many times I want to call... Many times I think about wanting to spend some time with you... Many times I think of you... But, I do feel that we need to take care of our personal lives... Or at least I do... Have to get my **** together and figure out my life too. Looking at this next year as a year to do just that...a bit scared, but I know I can do it. And so can you...

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

So I am replying back, choosing words carefully. I guess what she says makes sense given the thread and where she is coming from. It feels like a relief to hear that in that it is her own stuff going on too. I want her to know that I miss her too(or maybe just the companionship, I don't know) but not sure if/what I should say in response to that. Choosing words carefully and me being very careful of my own feelings.

 

As always thank you for listening and letting me get this out of my chest.