How do I respond to this message?

[somywatchends]

So my Fiance broke up with me on Friday and I have been no contact since.

She became overwhelmed when we moved in together and left abruptly though we reconciled just not under the same roof a few days later. We had been pulling apart and had this push and pull going for a few months before this happened. I believe mostly because there hasn't been enough time together. Everything was great until **** hit the fan and Ive mentioned all this when we talked about breakup.

 

She was in an abused relationship.

She often said she couldn't be a good wife to me(being mean)

She said we were too different, her high strung A type, me easy going.

She found out her aunt is dying in 6 months and she broke up that day, but she has been dealing with her aunts illness longer.

 

I feel like we could work it if we made effort to give each other time but I don't know. Maybe I'm more afraid of the current hole in my life it left than losing/lost her.

 

I care for her, but she seemed to be convincing herself we are too different. I like different foods, other things I mentioned...lol But she said she didnt see a future and that we are too different. Maybe a dudes involved, maybe not I don't know. I knew I had to let go though and she would have to see things for herself either way.

 

So I just got a text

"Weird not connecting with you every day. Just thought I'd say hi. I hope your doing ok. I'm having a really hard time digesting what's happening with my aunt, but I'm ok. Hope your enjoy your babies tonight" (tonight's a night I get my kids)

 

I admit I felt good to get it, I did not expect her to reach out so soon.

So, there is some remorse there, she is definitely going through a hard time with whats happened to her aunt. There are some factors to consider out of all of this.

 

I'm for sure strong enough to keep NC for the night as Ive read in other posts. We are going to have to talk at some point anyway since I still have some of her stuff so complete NC is not realistic.

 

So Loveshaq Babby....please help me...

 

1.) How and when do I reply?

 

2.) Are you maybe seeing remorse in the situation? Is she starting to second guess? She has plenty of other friends/people she can talk to about her aunt so I dont believe that is her motivation.

 

Even her texting and me not responding has helped to lift a cloud that's been over me the last few days.

 

 

HALP

[d0nnivain]

You can't be NC. You have too many details to unravel.

 

Because she still has stuff in the living space you shared you can't go NC. there are also other issues. Have you resolved the December bills or are you not expecting her to pay her share? Can you afford to live there without her financial contributions? Have you two unraveled the engagement issues . . . returned any presents, cancelled arrangements in the hopes of getting back deposits?

 

In the face of a breakup where your lives were intertwined, the first order of business has to be the legal issues. You don't get the luxury of NC until those issues are resolved.

 

With respect to not talking it depends on your goal. If you want to reconcile -- meaning soothe the feelings of this high strung rabbit who bolted on you, you must respond.

 

I'd say something like "Thanks for reaching out. I miss talking to you too. I'd really like to talk face to face. Given everything that happened I think we need to lean on each other. Can I call you?"

 

If she says yes, call her. When you talk, ask about the aunt but get her to commit to meeting you.

 

On some level it sounds like she just got overwhelmed with the idea of marriage especially if you have kids. The responsibilities that come along with being a step mom may have startled her when it all got real. Liking different foods seems like a trivial reason to break up. I suspect she doesn't know her own mind & freaked out in part because of her aunt's death.

 

Go slow but do take her temperature about where she is. Perhaps suggest some premarital counseling to get her past the cold feet & jitters.

[Ronni_W]

Respond as soon as possible. Along the lines of:

 

I'm okay, thanks...not great, as you can imagine, but okay. Hope you are, too.

Obviously we can't go on like this. When you're in a better emotional place, I'm still open to considering couples' counseling for us.

Are you open to doing personal therapy to overcome the trauma from your prior abusive relationship, and how that influences how you do your current relationships?

(If not, there's really not much potential for us.)

Not meaning to dump anything on you, but also having to take care of myself at this point, my own heart and feelings. Wishing you the very best, always.

[Orokotikki]

Others will give you more detailed advice, and donnivain's advice is good, although I disagree.

 

Drop all her stuff off where she is staying, talk to the landlord about a new lease or leaving the lease, get a roommate, hit the gym and RUN (literally at the gym, but also figuratively away from this relationship, she has to fix herself, you can't do it for her (and shouldn't)).

 

Was she strangely close to her aunt? Like did her aunt raise her or is her only family?

[somywatchends]

The details, other than some of her stuff have all been worked out. I bought the home, sold my existing one to get it and cant afford it on my own. I will have to short sale or claim bankruptcy, it sucks but I'm at peace with it. I never held it against her or got angry about it and have forgiven her, but that took some time for me to do.

 

You are spot on about the step parent thing. While she has a daughter about the same age of her own I have an ex that manipulates the kids and made things challenging. Her abusive Ex had an OWI and was in jail most of the time we started sliding apart.

 

She was invent on breaking it off about three weeks ago, but we had a talk and I said I felt our problems were due to lack of time. After talking we agreed and it was almost like new, how much we loved each other the things we said. A week before the breakup(last time I saw her in person)She told me she had needs to see me and not in the way she said she needed to on Saturday.

 

She was had a few of these big swings in emotions and feelings and has pushed me away before but not to that extent.

 

I'd be willing to go to couples consoling, in fact we have already seen the same pastor/consular together. I saw that consular by myself the day after, I just happened to have an appointment. She has been seeing her for much longer than me and she dosent understand whats going on with her or what she really wants and thinks shes foolish in this regard.

 

I'm still not sure myself.....am I filling the hole and looking for instant gratification? I had also been questioning the relationship and wanted out but theres a lot for both sides to consider.

 

Do I really reach out tonight? Should I not at least wait until tomorrow to leave her with her thoughts. Yes, NC is not going to be possible right now anyway.

 

I feel a bit stronger but Im not sure if its hope or me seeing that I really wanted out too.

[amaysngrace]

Do you want her back? Do you want to marry her?

 

She seems a little dysfunctional from what you’ve posted.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Personally, I probably wouldn't respond. So many people look to their ex for validation and comfort when they dump them, which is selfish and unfair.

 

By not responding she will start to get a clear sense of what she has lost and what life will be like without you. She can't have it both ways. These are the consequences. She may start to feel more at peace being alone or realize she wants to be with you. It will be harder to figure out how she truly feels until she is on her own.

 

If she reaches out and says that she wants to reconcile or talk things over, that's a different story. But for now, all you she is doing is throwing out breadcrumbs, and I would be concerned that giving in to that, is to accept the situation or her terms.

 

She has already warned you that she thinks she will be mean to you as a wife and that she finds it hard to accept your easy going nature. How is that fair to you? Why should you bend over backwards to accommodate that. It will tear you both down. I would trust what she is telling you. You deserve a loving, accepting, and stable relationship.

 

For that reason, I wouldn't respond, or at the most remind her that she ended the relationship, and unless she is willing to put in the work to fix things, then it would be best not to speak to each other any more.

 

Give it time for you both to reflect on what you really want and can give each other in this relationship. If she reaches out in attempt to reconcile, I would seriously suggest couples counselling first, and perhaps separate for her to help her work through her past abuse and current issues.

 

I know you must be going through a lot right now, but it is better to find out this isn't going to work before you get married.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Orokotikki]

how old are your kids that you think it will be OK for them to have such an unstable stepparent? How often do you have them?

[uniplex]

I’m sorry I can’t be of much help, but you’ve gotten some great advice so far. I will say, I think it’s extremly odd that your different food preferences would be an issue in your relationship. It sort of sounds like a cop out to me.

 

Also, when I’m going through sad or emotional times, I like to lean on my partner, not push them away. We all behave differently, of course, but please keep that in mind when you’re dealing with your ex.

[Lotsgoingon]

I've been in your your position in this situation ... and I've been in her position in this situation.

 

When I was in her position, I would send dumb notes like this one in a misguided foolish attempt to let the person down easy. I wouldn't want the person to argue with me or get mad at me and so on ... But ... breakups are by definition times when you cannot let someone down easy.

 

So I do not see regret in her message. I see someone who doesn't know how to be silent when silence is called for and who is trying to "let you down easy."

 

You might respond with something like, "Look if you want to talk further about our relationship, then I'm open to that. But otherwise, it's not helpful to get a text from you saying you miss me without suggesting any further steps."

 

The ailing aunt as a reason she's pulling back--that's nonsense. I've had four close relatives get sick and die on me in the past few years. Death does not dampen romance. In fact, sometimes I wanted to be with someone MORE when I was dealing with an ailing relative. I wanted a partner to share life with, someone to process things with.

[somywatchends]

Thank You everyone great advice so far, I'm definitely not responding tonight.

 

Some of this is just writing out facts and it helps, but for those of you that read and input, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

She seemed so well adjusted and happy when we met but when it got real this all seemed to happen. I'm not perfect by any means but I truly try to be good to my partner.

 

1.)This was attempted 3 weeks ago, we had a talk and everything seemed like we first met for 2 weeks. She saw me, we talked it out and were happy, almost like we first met and had a good couple of weeks. This last time I "allowed" it by phone. She has had a few such swings before but obviously not to this extent and theirs never been a real reason/argument. Life just happens.

 

2.)Attraction and intimate fulfillment is/was great and backed with love up until a week before the breakup when she started to fade again, so I saw it coming..but was still feeling disconnect.

 

3.)In the time I have know here she had several blowups with her mom to the point they dont talk for a few days sometimes.

 

4.) When I first met her she had a strained relationship with one of her childhood friends that ended in blowups and they dont talk.

 

5.)In her talking about her marriage it seemed there were a few coming and goings like this. He was verbal/emotional/sexual abusive/addict, she sometimes has low self esteem from it...intelligence...looks

 

6.) She is close to her aunt, the cancer diagnosis wasnt the sole thing, there was a lot of turmoil among her and family leading up to this as well.

 

7.) She really seemed to be convincing herself off the issues, than having real ones....example of food, Etc. I say this truly and not out of denial, a lot didn't really have legs. But you cant make anyone feel the way they dont want to and they have to find out for themselves.

 

8.)She is actually a wonderful joyus bright light of a person, but this other side has seemed to come out way more.

 

9.) I do not want to Marry her, it would take a lot of convincing/consoling at this point, I maybe wearing rose colored glasses but I'm not dumb Relationship, if things were resolved.

 

10.) Making her wait will definitely work in my favor regardless of outcome. She has always ended up missing me, but this was the first time with a real break and no connection. When we met I was pursuing other lovely birds and stopped messaging her for a few days, she pulled even more and won me over with her original personality.

 

11.)I'm in good shape, look 10 years younger than I am, pretty good looking guy with a good job and a great heart(Though I maybe bankrupt now...lol) Still have a good job though. So I'm not desperate, but definitely going through hard times.

 

12.) I was wanting out and losing attraction to her too and cant really say what I miss other than the void currently. However I find my self over valuing/thinking about the first person at times which is getting me stuck a little.

 

So NC today for sure and maybe a few more, but either Ill hear back or send a form of the message about it not being helpful unless she was looking to work things out.

 

Either way this has really got her AND ME thinking.

 

Thanks again for letting me ramble.

Edited December 12, 2018 by somywatchends

[d0nnivain]

Fix the house / mortgage thing first. If you are not going to call her back, call a realtor to get this house listed for sale before you lose your good credit rating.

 

Why would you have to short sale the house? Are you already underwater on it? A short sale is when you sell the house for less then you owe on the mortgage with the bank's agreement not to sue you for the balance. It has nothing to do with how quickly you sell it. Get a roommate but do something to preserve this asset. That is so much more important then a broken relationship.

[BC1980]

If it were me, I would not respond. I don't see any remorse in that text either. It's just really hard to stop all communication with someone you shared a life with. Most people can't do that even though it would be ideal. So most people end up sending weird texts or calls or social media messages until it finally fizzles out. I would wait a few day and then begin to address the loose ends you need to tie up.

[bathtub-row]

I'm all for being authentic in relationships when the other person hasn't screwed you over. I think in her case, she's just really mixed up and means no harm. If I were you, I'd reply back and say what's in your heart, within reason, of course. Not too mushy but I think you've had some good suggestions. Just acknowledge that you agree it's strange not connecting every day, etc. Give her her space and see what happens.

 

For a lot of people who were abused, they have a lot of trouble accepting good things in their lives because they don't think they deserve them. I hope things work out.

[bathtub-row]

If you can at all prevent it, don't let your house go into foreclosure or a short sale. Get a second job, get a roommate, move out and rent it, or put it on the market immediately. You may end up paying more taxes if you sell it right now because there are laws in some states about selling a house right after purchasing it. I honestly think your best bet would be to rent the house out for a year or two and then see where you're at. More people than ever are renting right now so you have a very good shot at renting it for over the amount that you're paying on your mortgage.

 

Honestly, no matter what flaky state your ex is in, she should not be leaving you with this burden. In that sense, my opinion of her has diminished. She should at least help out until you come up with a solution. But, by all means, avoid having the house being taken away from you.

[somywatchends]

Thanks again, mixed some suggestions into one. While a bit on the long side I wanted to acknowledge the text her aunt and issues. But also make it clear its not easy for me to get the texts. What does something like this sound like:

 

Thanks for reaching out. I miss talking to you too. I'm okay...not great, as you can imagine, but okay. Hope you are, too. I’m sorry to about your aunt, you know how I care about your family. I guess there has been a lot of heavy issues going on for the both of us as of late, it’s hard to know which way is up.

 

If you want to talk further about our relationship, then I'm open to that. But otherwise, it's hard to get a text from you saying you miss me without suggesting any further steps. Not meaning to dump anything on you, but also having to take care of myself at this point, my own heart and feelings. Wishing you the very best, always

[somywatchends]

The Pastor/consular that knows us both replied to me and said that I should reply only with response about her aunt's recent diagnosis and express concern and empathy on that end. I suppose it works. How about:

 

Thanks for reaching out. I miss talking to you too. I'm okay...not great, as you can imagine, but okay. I’m really sorry about your aunt, I know how close you are and can imagine how hard this must be on you and the family. Thank you for opening up and sharing this with me, it means a lot. I wish I could make it better.

[uniplex]

I like this. Short(er) and sweet:

 

Thanks for reaching out. I miss talking to you too. I'm doing okay. I’m really sorry about your aunt, I know how close you are and can imagine how hard this must be on you and the family. Thank you for opening up and sharing this with me, it means a lot.

[somywatchends]

The Pastor/consular that knows us both replied to me and said that I should reply only with response about her aunt's recent diagnosis and express concern and empathy on that end. I suppose it works. How about: I may send it tonight as it mostly is expressing sympathy but might wait. I dont know.

 

I miss talking to you too. I’m really sorry about your aunt, I know how close you are and can imagine how hard this must be on you and the family. Thank you for opening up and sharing this with me, it means a lot. I wish I could make it better.

 

Acknowledges the miss in communication, expresses sympathy and concern but leaves it at that. What do you guys think?

[El Duendecillo]

Nope, this is all you need to say:

 

"I’m really sorry about your aunt, I know how close you are and can imagine how hard this must be on you and the family."

 

She needs to be the one that expresses a desire to talk about the relationship. I do not read any remorse in her brief message to you either.

[somywatchends]

and my reply pretty quickly after:

 

Was starting to think maybe you blocked me!Lol! I'm glad that you didn't..My aunt comes home Friday. Preparing her house for her to pass away in comfort has not been easy. We're all emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted! My Mom got puller over for going 68 in a 55 last night on our way home from cleaning the house. The cope let her go! Thank God!! Elke(cousin)just got to the hospital tonight and she brought Ivy(her daughter) too... Can't wait to see them! Anyway, thanks for your reply! Again, glad you didn't block me. I know its not easy..for me either.. Have a good night..

 

sounds like mostly breadcrumbs, but much was unresolved as the breakup call occurred when she was off to the hospital...Who knows...

 

While having some pangs initially I think I handled getting the message ok. Ironic thing is the dying Aunt always told her "You got a good one, you can tell just by the way he looks at you"

 

So I leave the ball in her court, trying not to dwell too much, if shes going to figure anything out she is going to have to do it on her own and with me mostly out of the picture. In the meantime I have to handle my business and continue start to move on. Harder more sometimes than others.

 

I am thinking of sending flowers to her Aunt at the hospital tomorrow with a nice but generic message.

Edited December 12, 2018 by somywatchends

[bathtub-row]

Nope, this is all you need to say:

 

"I’m really sorry about your aunt, I know how close you are and can imagine how hard this must be on you and the family."

 

She needs to be the one that expresses a desire to talk about the relationship. I do not read any remorse in her brief message to you either.

 

This is perfect!

[Gretchen12]

It's so confusing trying to figure out what you want. You said you don't want to marry her anymore, but then you want her to feel remorse and you suggested talking about the relationship as if you wanted to work it out. Yet you said you have lost attraction. If you know what you want, it'd be easier.

 

I'd give different advice to people who are just dating and people who want to get married. Marriage is quite the commitment, through sickness and health and all that. You're in for the long haul, you don't do NC and you don't talk about breadcrumbs (that's for daters). If you no longer want to marry her, which seems to be the case here, then that's it, you can't really go back to dating her.

 

So I gather what's going on is that you don't want her but you want her to want you. Your ego is bruised and you want to fill the void. Two bad reasons. This is someone you wanted to marry so you probably care about her a lot, so set aside your ego, don't seek validation and just let her go.

[nolanola]

This is rough. As someone above said, it is tough to cut off communication with someone you've come to rely on. And if you cared about someone, you don't stop caring about them overnight, no matter what goes down.

 

BUT...you need to cut her loose for now. The fact that you're obsessing so much over what to say to her and what she says back speaks so loudly. You can't treat this casually. I personally think she probably misses you, feels bad, doesn't want to hurt you, etc -- so she sends that message. I call it "taking your temperature" because a lot of exes do this. It's basically a way to see how the other person is feeling. Are they mad? Are they hating the other person? The fact that she wrote back the message that she did makes me really sure of this. She is relieved that things are "ok" between you guys because you haven't blocked her. So she can go on to deal with whatever is going on with her without worrying that you are mad or hate her. She might also be trying to leave that hook out there in case she changes her mind.

 

I would advise you to go NC. If you want to send her something to say that, that's fine. Keep it short. Just say that you care about her and her family, but you need some space for a while to deal with things. Then back it up. Do not respond to her future fishing attempts. You've expressed your sympathies to her, I would not additionally send flowers.

[somywatchends]

Thank You everyone, yes I'm going NC but not announcing it and of course no flowers to her aunt. What was I thinking.

 

If she asks how my upcoming court date went(Custody wit ex) should I respond to that? Otherwise its NC unless she makes her inventions very clear, that I'm sure of.