lyfeofafreespirit Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I recently just moved to my fiance's hometown where he grew up. We love it a lot and I have made some great girlfriends here. One of my friends (we will call her Nina) met a friend of my fiance's (we will call the friend Rick) at a bbq that my fiance and I had with some of my new friends and some of his older friends in the summer. Nina and Rick started texting after the bbq and have been seeing each other for about 3 months now, but over time I have seen things getting worse and worse between them and I don't know what to do, if I should say something or just back off. Rick is in my fiance's jet skiing club. They all go out and ride, get a drink and that's it, with the occasional outing or two. But since my friend Nina has been seeing Rick, I've seen a lot more of him and his behavior concerns me. From the very first time I met him, before Nina was in the picture, we went camping with him and he had a terrible anger problem with a short fuse. He is also very selfish (will go out of his way to come into our home and let us know what is inconveniencing him) and expects things to be the way he wants them to be, no matter where we are. The worst part about all of this, though, is that he is a textbook addict. He smokes weed like a heavy smoker would smoke cigarettes (almost got my fiance arrested by smoking it in his car without permission, and Rick ended up being arrested) and will actually get angry if people aren't taking shots with him or getting drunk when we are out. Sorry for the long backstory, but long story short he is very difficult to be around and I see now he clearly has major problems. In the last few months my friend has completely changed. She went from being very fun loving, to now appears angry and has distanced herself. Never making time to see me, or just being too busy and acts very irritated via text. I recently had a christmas party, and she wouldn't leave his side. When she did finally come downstairs to talk to me for a bit, Rick crept around the corner to see what we were talking about and she ran back to his side. The only other convos we had was what she should get him for christmas. My other girlfriends told me they thought he was really creepy and could tell Nina and Rick were fighting. It seems like he is seeping his claws into her, and she enjoys it (?). My fiance says that he didn't realize how messed up his 'friend' really is, probably due to more time spent together now. At this point, it's beyond not liking someone. I wish I could convey how toxic someone truly is in text form, but this guy is the definition of it. I am studying for my MA is social work, and although I can't diagnose, he sounds like the definition of a narcissist. Normally I would just not talk to said person, but I feel an immense amount of guilt for being the one that brought them together. Especially because she has been in a similar relationship before with a heroin addict. I feel like I need to do something and it's my fault. I also fear that the more I push for her to split up with him, the more pushback she will give me. Every time I ask her how things are she says 'perfect'. The other day she even went as far to say she fixed him. He is far from fixed, and now it appears that she wants nothing to do with me, and it hurts. Any advice would be appreciated, and sorry for the essay
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 It's her choice to stay with him. You can't force this break up. All you can do is ask her pointed Qs: Do you think Rick smokes too much? How do you deal with his irritability? Why is he always so angry? Are you happy? Why? Do you miss your old happy carefree self? Why does he have to check up on you when you talk to me? Assure her that you will always be there for her. Maybe some day she will come to her sense but for right now all you can do is accept her choice, even if you would make a different one.
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