In love with a chronically ill person

[Nala73]

I dated a man using the tinder app for a short periode of time, one and a half months. When I first decided to meet him I had no expectations that it would be love, I was simply just bored and wanted company.

 

He is a man with a cronic illness called heriedetary spastic parese. He is not completely disabled but he has difficulties with stiiffness and weakness in his legs, and he has much pain and numbness in his back and feet. However, to make the story short, I fell completely head over hills for his personality and his good looks and humour. I was surprised to find myself so attached to someone after such a short periode of time.

 

After our first date he kept contacting me, and we spoke daily either on chat, by message and many times on the phone and we spoke for hours.

 

We eventually went on a second date, and we sat a cafe for hours just talking. Everything felt so right. By then he initiated that he would like to keep seeing me to find out if we might be suitable for each other as a couple.

 

Third date I invited him home for dinner. We had a wonderful time again, wonderful sex, wonderful communication. Everything was just perfect. By now I’m totally into him. Then his legs started getting really painful and he was admitted to the local hospital, and during the days he was there, we spoke on the phone and he told me he loved me and he wanted us to be together. I agreed to that and told him I felt the same way.

 

He got out of hospital but needed to be transferred to another hospital for checkup. The weekend in between he came to my house again. This time he stayed the whole weekend. My kids were there, we all had dinner, watched tv, talked, he told me he loved me, he held me close at night and we just had the most wonderful time together.

 

Day after he was admitted to hospital again. But still we comunicated and he called me his girl. He missed me, loved me, wanted to hold me. But then all of a sudden I noticed a sudden change in his behaviour. He did not tell me that he came home from hospital. When I found out I was kind of dissapointed and I told him that. I had been worried about him . He just said he forgot.

 

I might have been too sensitive about it, but I told him I expected more since we are taking this a step further. And you cannot say you love someone and not prioritize to tell them something so important as you coming home from hospital unless you did not mean what you said. He then said, he had always been alone with his illness and it was not a big deal.

 

Since then he was different, I sent him a message and told him I was sorry if I made him feel bad, but it was only because I cared and because of my insecurities. When I still felt he grew colder, I called him and told him I’m really sorry and I really cared for him. Then he said he is uncertain and he needed time to think. I said please let me know cause it drives me crazy not knowing what we are.

 

But than since than he would be hot than he would be cold. One day he misses me, another I hear almost nothing. Then I asked him directly, if you don’t want me in your life please say so. I will go away and leave you in peace. Then he said he would like to come this weekend to sort things out. We agreed that he would come on Sunday as far as theres no other things he needed to attend to.

 

Friday he said he sent me a message late at night stating he wanted to hold me tight. Saturday I heard almost nothing, but I sent him message asking what he’s up to and whether he will be coming over. He said he still needed to know if he had some other stuff to attend to. Sunday, I heard nothing. But then when its afternoon I sent him a message asking if I should be expecting him. Two hours went before he answered me, he told he was still in bed in a lot of pain, he won’t be coming, thanks for everything you were to me, I’ll never forget you.

 

I wrote back and said but I truly love you, no matter what you are struggling with I want to be there for you. I know he says, but I need to get my health on track and I need time for myself. I told him he did not need to be alone with his problems, I would not love him less. But I can’t force him if he did not want me to be there. He then said, you are fantastic. I might contact you again when things work out for me. I told him it dosen’t work that way. How can I possibly be there for him only when things are fine. If I’m not good enough to be with him on his bad days, I certainly won’t be good enough in his good days.

 

I told him I have had the best time with him ever. And I was looking so forward to this Sunday. I even bought his favourite tea and sweets. And this is really making me cry. If he has made up his mind and dosen’t love me, I’ll try me best to forget. And I hope the best for him. He then said I’m crying now. I’ll never be able to forget you. I could always be myself in your company. And within 5 minutes he deleted me from his snapchat and facebook but kept me on his instagram, messenger and phone. I’m not sure how to react.

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

React with compassion. He has this big overarching issue in his life. It colors everything about his world & makes him think he can't date.

 

Just leave him be.

[Garcon1986]

He's probably thinking the morally right thing to do is to not burden a girlfriend with a chronic medical problem. You can stick with him and face further rejection, or see if he will change his mind, or just leave him be. The least painful of the approaches is to leave him be. Any chance you know which medical illness he has?

[FMW]

You've done all you can. You've made it clear to him how you feel and that you want to be there for him. There's nothing left for you to do or say.

 

Give him space. Maybe check in with him in a week or two to see how he's feeling, but he's told you he needs time by himself. Give him that.

 

I'm sorry, I know it must be heartbreaking for you.

[Nala73]

React with compassion. He has this big overarching issue in his life. It colors everything about his world & makes him think he can't date.

 

Just leave him be.

 

But why did he initiated for us to be a couple in the first place. He has had his illness and pain all his life, its not a new thing. I don’t understand why he would make me think we are right for eachother one minute and the next goodbye I’ll never forget you. Does he not understand the pain he projects on me?

[Nala73]

He's probably thinking the morally right thing to do is to not burden a girlfriend with a chronic medical problem. You can stick with him and face further rejection, or see if he will change his mind, or just leave him be. The least painful of the approaches is to leave him be. Any chance you know which medical illness he has?

 

He has a medical condition called HSP and its a progressive illness. His siblings has the same thing, but still they have a loving family, so its not like its imoossible to have a lovelife.

[Nala73]

You've done all you can. You've made it clear to him how you feel and that you want to be there for him. There's nothing left for you to do or say.

 

Give him space. Maybe check in with him in a week or two to see how he's feeling, but he's told you he needs time by himself. Give him that.

 

I'm sorry, I know it must be heartbreaking for you.

 

Its heartbreakening alright. I feel I met the perfect man. I love everything avout him. I enjoy his company and I miss him so terribly. And furthermlre I’m afraid he is not ok, but I feel its not my place anymore to ask him how he is when he deleted me from his life. And I don’t know whether it is his illness or if he’s just annoyed by me and don’t really wants to be bothered by me. I want so much to contact him, but I’m deadscared.

[d0nnivain]

But why did he initiated for us to be a couple in the first place. He has had his illness and pain all his life, its not a new thing. I don’t understand why he would make me think we are right for eachother one minute and the next goodbye I’ll never forget you. Does he not understand the pain he projects on me?

 

No he has no idea. Maybe he thought it's Tinder. I can hit it & quit it but you turned out to be nicer & a better match then he was expecting. He may have given some effort to making a go of it but then felt he was a burden so he gave into his insecurities, convinced himself that he was being noble & freed you to date a healthy man.

 

You may never know. All you do know is that he is not in a frame of mind to date you so you have to move on.

[uniplex]

This is really tough. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I can feel the pain through your words. Sadly, we don’t always know why people do the things they do, especially when they have someone so loving and supportive on their side. Only space and time might bring him back to you. But for now, you have to consider this a breakup since he’s cutting off communication with you via social media. It’s time to start the healing process luv.

[Garcon1986]

HSP is a disease for which medicine does not have a cure in the real sense of the word but we do have medicines that can control the symptoms. It is excruciating to experience and excruciating to watch, so you can always try to get him back, but I think the least painful way is to let him go. He's caved to his insecurities. Heck even a man I know with no arms OR legs, has sex appeal to the ladies. He's just not at that place.

[BC1980]

But why did he initiated for us to be a couple in the first place. He has had his illness and pain all his life, its not a new thing. I don’t understand why he would make me think we are right for eachother one minute and the next goodbye I’ll never forget you. Does he not understand the pain he projects on me?

 

It sounds like this moved pretty fast, and he got caught up in something he wasn't ready to fully commit to. Maybe he said some things in the heat of the moment that he later regretted.

[GoreSP]

I'm gonna go against the popular opinion here and say he just lost interest and probably using the illness as an excuse (not saying he is not in pain or anything but the whole needed to concentrate on his health bit is probably bull.)

 

That being said, one thing you can learn from this reaction was too intense after on month or so of dating.

 

I might have been too sensitive about it, but I told him I expected more since we are taking this a step further. And you cannot say you love someone and not prioritize to tell them something so important as you coming home from hospital unless you did not mean what you said.

 

Chronic conditions are a part of the person's life and everyone around them. Perhaps he picked up on the fact you were more concerned with the fact he didn't contact you rather than the fact he was in the hospital and decided he didn't want to deal with a scene every time his condition flares up and he didn't care enough about the relationship to talk to you about it.

 

Dating someone with a chronic condition is a hassle. Not saying you shouldn't, but it's not for everyone and you should definitely consider the implications.

 

My ex is type I diabetes.

If I cooked, I had to calculate the amount of carbs in everything I made, (yes he could have done it himself but we were a couple and I was happy to do it at the time. It was still a hassle), we rarely went out to eat because most restaurants don't give nutrition info easily; this means he would have to estimate the amount of insulin to take and would likely go high or low. It was the same when eating out a friends, holiday family meals ect. Sometimes I would wake up and he would be unresponsive so I'd have to shove juice down his throat. I even had to call the ambulance once.

Not to mention the crankiness from his sugar levels being all wack.

 

His diabetes had nothing to do with our breakup, but I have to say it was one of the biggest silver linings.

Edited December 14, 2018 by GoreSP

[Jamess1]

Did you ever go visit him while he was in hospital ?

[elaine567]

Did you ever go visit him while he was in hospital ?

 

Good point.

 

He then said, he had always been alone with his illness and it was not a big deal.

I guess he formulated that opinion sitting alone in his hospital bed.

[Cersei]

At 1 1/2 months this relationship moved very quickly. He maybe got scared.

 

Also if he has been dealing with his health alone up to this point he may feel uncomfortable going through it with someone else.

 

Big changes in a short time cause uneasy feelings. To me this just says "Whoa, too much change all at once."

 

Let him go. I know it's hard but his heart is not into this.

[Robert]

Seems the thread starter isn't present, if they come back and would like to have the thread re-opened to respond then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks all who rendered advice to the thread starter.