joan.l Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 hey everyone, i just found LoveShack and am so happy that theres a place where people share and help with life experiences and emotions! I want to share my story and would like to hear from anyone that understands what I'm going through. A year ago I ended things with a guy I had been seeing for six months. we kept it non-exclusive because our lives and future plans are incompatible for marriage, but those 6 months were amazing! I was so happy with him and fulfilled in every way, mentally, emotionally and physically. eventhough we were non-exclusive i didnt even find myself interested in other men But over time I found myself getting very emotionally attached to him. even though I knew there was no future in it, i was too drawn to him to let him go, but it was also hard to continue. we rarely ever fought, more like heated discussions. but after our first particularly difficult fight i got really upset, broke up with him over text while saying some hurtful things. he just replied that he accepted my decision. he didn't say anything hurtful back or react badly. losing him was really difficult, i felt like i would break inside. i had never known a guy like him before. but because there was no future in it i know that ending it was the right thing to do. ive been moving on and focusing on my life, and he has moved on too. we dont talk or text anymore, and rarely ever see each other (only with common friends). whats difficult is that he is still nice to me, even though im not to him. its not that i try to be b*tchy, i just seem to automatically do things that are unkind, like not responding to his bday text, completely ignored him one time we bumped into each other. its nothing very big, but with no big issues in the relationship, and no real cause for resentment, theres no reason for me to be so cold and impolite. especially when he's not being that way with me i know that, now that we're broken up, i dont have to have any form of contact with him if i choose not to. and i know that he accepts that too, and he's not trying to even stay in my life or be friends. he's just being how he has always been with me, a nice respectful guy. he isnt a push over and knows how to handle people, he just values being a good person and ive always admired that about him but thats what makes this so difficult. i know it sounds messed up to say but it would almost be easier if things were bad between us. its the wrong way to handle things but i think i subconsciously trigger unpleasantness because if things are still good then it becomes harder to let go and stop thinking. its immature and i want to work on this for my future relationships. but with him its like the connection isnt cut yet. we may never even see each other again, and there is no contact between us, so over time this will just happen itself. but there is some guilt and regret and i dont know how to handle it. i dont want to get in touch with him, its just too awkward and difficult. has anyone experienced this before?
Cersei Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Yeah I have been through something like this. A lot like this actually. We tried the "let's be friends" thing which I do not recommend. You read into every little thing he says and wonder if he still likes you. Don't talk to him, stay away. I would have far rather preferred a big fight, hurt feelings and all, because then I would have been too mad to still want to be around him.
DKT3 Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 (edited) So, why are you two so incompatible? Sounds like a great guy. What was the deal breaker? I think sometimes people (especially young women) over think relationships and because of that miss out on great guys for dumb reasons. Edited December 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote
Author joan.l Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 Yeah I have been through something like this. A lot like this actually. We tried the "let's be friends" thing which I do not recommend. You read into every little thing he says and wonder if he still likes you. Don't talk to him, stay away. I would have far rather preferred a big fight, hurt feelings and all, because then I would have been too mad to still want to be around him. exactly. as terrible as the ugliness would be, moving on would be that much easier. he isnt even the fighting type, or in my hurt state I probably would have ended up triggering him somehow to have a showdown. but he did seem hurt that i ignored him that one time, yet he still wasnt mean back to me. i hope i dont end up seeing him any time soon
Author joan.l Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 So, why are you two so incompatible? Sounds like a great guy. What was the deal breaker? I think sometimes people (especially young women) over think relationships and because of that miss out on great guys for dumb reasons. our personalities aren't incompatible, just our lives are. he will move back to his home country eventually, and i cant move because i want my daughter to grow up near her father. besides that there are differences in religion and family that would be too much to overcome. knowing these things up front was a blessing because it would have been so easy to have expectations and see a future with him. im pretty sure he feels the same way too, but while he was able to protect his feelings, i ended up getting too attached and so the relationship had to end
stillafool Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 has anyone experienced this before? Yes. I was involved long ago with an attorney who thought he was too good for me, broke up with me, but couldn't move on. No, I didn't take him back or want him back because I knew those feeling of me not being enough would return and become a problem again. Now 30 years later he is still looking for ways to contact me. Of course I am married now (so is he) and have no interest in talking over the past. My advice to you OP is to leave him alone and let him go. Find the one who you don't have question if they are the right one for you. My ex wanted me to fight for the relationship too, but that's now what I do. It either fits or it doesn't.
DKT3 Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 our personalities aren't incompatible, just our lives are. he will move back to his home country eventually, and i cant move because i want my daughter to grow up near her father. besides that there are differences in religion and family that would be too much to overcome. knowing these things up front was a blessing because it would have been so easy to have expectations and see a future with him. im pretty sure he feels the same way too, but while he was able to protect his feelings, i ended up getting too attached and so the relationship had to end 26 years ago I met a 16 year old Italian Roman catholic girl from Cardiff Wales. Extremely wealthy family. Here I was, a 17 year old black kid from South central Los angels from a working class family (homicide detective, LPN) with no religious affiliation. You cant be more different than that....26 years later we figured it out and managed to overcome all that and an affair. When you find someone who you can figure it out with you dont give that up. You figure it out.
Gillys Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I've been on your ex's side in this situation. My ex dumped me due to family and religious reasons. we were in the same program and had a lot of mutual friends. I was polite but she would frequently make comments like "I wish you would just yell at me and be mean. I hurt you so I deserve it." I never did and I honestly could never fully understand why she said stuff like that until reading your post. She was way too mean to me during our final encounter, a few days before she moved to another part of the country. We haven't spoken in over 2 years. She's engaged now so I have to assume the NC and distance helped her to forget me or be mad at me enough for not contacting her....even though ultimately I was probably just respecting her boundary of not contacting her after the move, and being nice again In my opinion. sometimes unconditional love keeps people from being mean and disrespectful after a BU
Author joan.l Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 26 years ago I met a 16 year old Italian Roman catholic girl from Cardiff Wales. Extremely wealthy family. Here I was, a 17 year old black kid from South central Los angels from a working class family (homicide detective, LPN) with no religious affiliation. You cant be more different than that....26 years later we figured it out and managed to overcome all that and an affair. When you find someone who you can figure it out with you dont give that up. You figure it out. your story is inspiring and i'm happy that you and your partner beat the odds! it's so rare for people to find what you have but the two of us were clear from the start that this was not a long-term thing. In fact, i believe that its because we consciously didn't have high expectations of each other, and gave each other a lot more space and freedom than one would in a committed relationship, that we just focused on enjoying the short time that we would have together, without facing the challenges that come with joining two lives. if we had, maybe things would have worked out, but that's too hypothetical to consider, and i really have no regrets about it ending. i just wish it was easier to severe the connection without having to make it unpleasant
Author joan.l Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 I've been on your ex's side in this situation. My ex dumped me due to family and religious reasons. we were in the same program and had a lot of mutual friends. I was polite but she would frequently make comments like "I wish you would just yell at me and be mean. I hurt you so I deserve it." I never did and I honestly could never fully understand why she said stuff like that until reading your post. She was way too mean to me during our final encounter, a few days before she moved to another part of the country. We haven't spoken in over 2 years. She's engaged now so I have to assume the NC and distance helped her to forget me or be mad at me enough for not contacting her....even though ultimately I was probably just respecting her boundary of not contacting her after the move, and being nice again In my opinion. sometimes unconditional love keeps people from being mean and disrespectful after a BU im sorry to hear about how your relationship turned out. it sounds like your were very caring with your ex, despite her being mean to you. i can see similarities in our relationships, and its interesting to hear the other side of it too. although i never asked my ex to yell at me, i could understand why your ex would say that if she was anything like me. in an argument we would both be on equal footing, and both sides sort of end up with 50% of the responsibility for the conflict, no matter who started it. but the times when my ex was just nice in return for my meanness, it put the focus even more on how unreasonable my behavior was, or how unjustified my anger was. there was no where to hide! its good that you maintained no contact, because you deserve better than to be treated this way. being cruel is never ok, no matter how much you love each other. and if she felt any guilt about how she ended things, then being touch with you would just be a constant reminder and she would pull away even more. or worse, make it more ugly. if she ended things then you had no responsibility to contact her again, so dont feel bad about that. eventhough there were times that i wished my ex would call me, i respected him for keeping a distance. and there could be many reasons for why she didnt contact you. but none of them matter. i hope you find someone that deserves your kindness and earns it!
Gillys Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Thanks! Well she immediately jumped into another relationship anyway to get over me (as I was told by her) plus she didn't like being single. We remained in contact for months due to being in a small city, same program and mutual friends. Months before her move, I was specifically instructed not to speak to her ever again once she moved because she "had enough friends already" (ouch) and needed to fully get over me so she could build a future with someone else. (Months later she was telling me to visit once she moved ) Enough time and distance makes the heart forget completely for some people, it seems....or she just met someone more compatible and forgot about all the previous lovers. Maybe once you start another relationship or feel fine single, you won't feel as strong of a connection with your ex. That's interesting you and my ex had the same argument style, and i suppose I had your ex's. Did you feel like your ex wasn't communicating effectively when he didn't get mad in an argument? My ex would tell me that I have poor communication skills and didn't know how to express myself because I refused to fight over stuff I knew she wouldn't change her mind on. She had strong opinions, always had to be right and I knew no matter what I said was going to help me in an argument, so why bother. We didn't have many arguments but I'm sure we would have tons if I had responded the way she wanted.
Fekenaws Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 I can only speak from my own personal experience, but regardless of how head over heels I was with an ex, once they break up with me I make absolutely no attempt to be friends with them. Even if they reach out and try to be friends, I tell them I'm not interested in being friends, and if they change their mind in the future they know how to reach me. Friendships with ex-partners have incredibly toxic reactions on my mental health, I learned that after bumbling through numerous attempts. Strict No Contact.
Recommended Posts