Doesheloveme Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Hey!! I'm new to love shack and I'm in need of some help from others. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8/9 months and I really love him but for some reason, he loves to make me feel terrible about myself sometimes. I feel like I'm constantly being criticized for my appearance and other times I feel like I'm the biggest burden in the world. First, I'll start with my appearance. I'm 5'3, and weigh about 130 pounds, I'm not a model but in no way am I fat, I have a flat tummy but no abs. I don't want to sound self-conceded but I'm not ugly, I often get hit on or noticed men doing a "double take". My boyfriend constantly criticizes my appearance... there has never been a day where there is not something wrong with the way I look. If it isn't my weight it is something else. He often tells me I need to lose weight or grabs the extra fat I have on my tummy and arms and tells me I need to lose it, I know this and I'm already insecure about my body. Over the summer I lost 15 pounds and he never congratulated me or anything, because it wasn't enough. If it isn't my weight it is the way I look, ex. my hair doesn't look nice or I'm not wearing enough makeup. When he says these things, and I tell him its mean, he says he doesn't mean it and its only a joke but tone but how many times does he have to say these things before I start to believe it? How many times does he need to say it before it's obvious that he does mean it ? One time after we had sex, I was laying there still naked and he said "I think you're probably the ugliest girl I've ever slept with" while laughing.. when my face dropped he said "im jooooking geez", but ouch?? - Beyond that, it's just always something about the way I look, ex. my clothes are ugly, my hair isn't the right shade of blonde, etc. Next, why am I such a burden??? He always wants to see me but when we do I feel like I am annoying or a burden? Basically he always calls me annoying for stuff that really shouldn't be a big deal... like for example the door to my bedroom is ill-fitting (my landlord sucks), so when the door closes it squeaks fairly loud... he knows this and there is nothing I can do to make it quieter.. when we were going to bed last night he fell asleep but I had to get up to go pee and the sound of my door woke him up and he said "I'm seriously getting angry, I want to sleep and I'm really tired" in a very angry tone and rolled away from me.. all I did was close the door, I can't help it. I know it is not that big of a deal but it's an example of something so small that ticked him off but left me going to bed feeling sad and alone because of something so small and unpreventable. What I want to know is how do I fix this or tell him what he's doing is hurting me? I have never felt like this with any of my ex-boyfriends but is this common in other relationships? My boyfriend is attractive but in no way a model, he has many flaws like me but I never point them out because I would never want to hurt his feelings.. so why does he want to hurt mine?? I really love him, how can I fix this situation?? I'm tired of being constantly criticized
JanuaryAquarian Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I am sorry your boyfriend is being a jerk to you. While it is difficult to say whether he is being cruel for the sake of it, or whether he is insecure that you are too good for him, I think he is testing you to see your level of self-respect. And he is doing so in a way that is completely disrespectful to you. Stand up for yourself. Do it with dignity. Just realize that you could be with someone who treats you better and if he doesn't shape up, then he can't expect you to stick around much longer. How often does he do this? 1
greymatter Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 In no way is this common in other relationships - unless you are talking about abusive ones.
Author Doesheloveme Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 Unfortunately he criticizes me everytime we hang out, I am never perfect lmao
frankspeci Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 One time after we had sex, I was laying there still naked and he said "I think you're probably the ugliest girl I've ever slept with" This is abuse. Realistically I don't think it's fixable and I strongly recommend you leave before you suffer further. Your man's got issues. In the future perhaps work on boundaries for yourself.
JanuaryAquarian Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Yes. I agree with what others are saying. They have put things more frankly than I. Some guys tease but it is still immature and hurtful and should not be tolerated. But, it sounds like he is being psychologically abusive. I recommend breaking it off quickly and stop talking to him. Don't tolerate abuse.
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 This is not love. Someone who truly loves you, would never be so cruel. Your boyfriends behavior is abusive. YOU CAN'T FIX THIS. HE is the problem. Knowing that you can't fix this, your only other option is to leave. Leave this relationship and know, there is someone out there who will show you what it is to be loved by a man... And if I may - you are perfect, exactly as you are. Whatever the number on the scale, it does not matter. You are worthy and deserving of love. If this man does not realize that, it is his loss. Do not lose more weight to please this man, you have already learned that it will never be enough, you will never please him.
greymatter Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 For your sake, and I mean this 100% to support you, lpease see a counselor to discuss this situation so you can understand how concerning it is on every level. You deserve better and it is verbal abuse that could lead to worse. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Follow his suggestion and lose weight - the exact amount he weighs. In other words, get rid of him. He's a jerk. Plain and simple. 1
Gretchen12 Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I doubt you love him. He wants to be unlovable. But you stay because of your own needs. Something going on in your life, your problems, that's making you stay with a guy like that. So he satisfies your need to have a bf and in this way you're just using him. Of course he knows you don't love him, he made sure of that, now probably just wants to see how much abuse you can take.
PegNosePete Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Unfortunately he criticizes me everytime we hang out, I am never perfect lmao Then why do you hang out with him? Goodness, are you that desperate to have a boyfriend that you will accept any kind of bad treatment this douchebag hands out to you? Anyone else would have dumped this jerk 8/9 months ago. Have you no self respect? If you don't respect yourself then how do you expect anyone else to? 1
Simple Logic Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 My question is why do you love a guy that makes you feel bad? For him it is likely a power thing.
Noproblem Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Didn't finish the story. From the second paragraph, was going to write please leave him. Then I read another paragraph and I will say: Run before he deletes what makes you-you, You'll be stuck in his endless pit, you won't be able to get out. The more you stay, the deeper the pit will get. 9 months are nothing compared to that miserable deep pit where time is limitless. Run........................ 1
Zahara Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 You love a guy that tells you that you’re the ugliest woman he’s slept with? Along with all the other insults — you love him? You love someone who has contempt and disdain for you? You don’t love him. You’re desperate just to have someone, anyone in your life so you’re clinging to him. If anything needs fixing it is your self esteem. When you allow a man to degrade you, you teach him that you have no self-respect. Once that happens, his treatment of you will go on because a guy like him gets a sick satisfaction from tearing you down. And when he knows you have no boundaries and will tolerate anything just to be with him, I can guarantee you it will only get worse. Walk away from him. This is not normal in healthy and loving relationships.
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 He does this because you let him. It will stop when you walk away. He's cruel & his behavior is inappropriate. Dump his sorry meanspirited ass. Get a nice BF who compliments you 1
lyfeofafreespirit Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 It can only help you to tell him how he is making you feel. Maybe he really doesn't realize that his actions towards you are hurting you so much and he can work on it. There is also the possibility that he knows exactly what he is doing though and will respond with hostility or defensiveness. If that is the case, you need to think about whether or not this relationship is sustainable for the long-term. Whether its 50 years or 5 more months, is it worth putting up with being made to feel less than all the time?
Versacehottie Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Echo what the others have said in that you should drop him. Just wanted to say that a lot of the guys that do this jerky behavior about their girlfriends looks are doing it to try to elevate their own status and standing through what their gf looks like. It's a bottomless pit and shows that he has very surface-y core values. He's looking to validate himself via you, i.e. he's the insecure one. Weirdly these types will keep nitpicking at your looks (even if you were a supermodel i've heard of it) and at same time keep you beneath them. It's a form of control and mentally abusive--whether he knows or realizes it or doesn't know better is besides the point. This is how he treats people close to him at his core. So you gotta drop him. You will find better for sure. congratulations on weight loss since he didn't say it, i will
Author Doesheloveme Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 ... to everyone saying I am desperate and acting like I have no morals or self-respect, you are not helpful. Bullying someone does not help people. I have self-respect and he's not just clear cut mean to me all the time, it's always a joke.
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 (edited) He’s not just clear cut mean to me all the time, it's always a joke. Abusers are rarely abusive all the time. He is nice to you, because if he wants you would not stay in the relationship. Read about the cycle of abuse, you may find it helpful. But, make no doubt about it, he is emotionally abusive. His comments may be passive aggressive “jokes,” it doesn’t make them any less hurtful. A really important thing to consider, if you tell him that you find his behavior hurtful and ask him to stop - but he doesn’t stop... that is a very selfish and dismissive thing for him to do. It’s a BIG RED FLAG - although, there are many others that would cause me to end the relationship without the need for a discussion. Be safe. There is a reason why none of your other boyfriends have behaved this way, it is a totally unacceptable thing to do in a relationship. Edited December 11, 2018 by BaileyB 1
olivetree Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 He's looking to validate himself via you, i.e. he's the insecure one. Weirdly these types will keep nitpicking at your looks (even if you were a supermodel i've heard of it) and at same time keep you beneath them. This. I've been in this kind of relationship before OP. It was very obvious his mean comments bothered me but it never stopped over the course of 3.5 years. It didn't matter that I received a lot of attention from other guys and people would often tell my ex how pretty I was (gave him external validation through me), he was always trying to change my physical appearance. Yet when I broke up with him and he'd try to get me back I was "the most beautiful girl in the world." Lol. Found out near the end that he actually had an eating disorder (body image issues of his own). So yeah - he was deeply insecure. I can see his comments are not just hurting your feelings but they are altering the way you see yourself. You're trying to lose more weight when you really don't need to. Get out and save yourself! 2
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Absolutely agree. It is a very weak and insecure individual who has to put down another person in order to feel better about themselves. OP, you may be the focus of his attention, but this has everything to do with him and nothing really to do with you... don’t let him convince you otherwise. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 ... to everyone saying I am desperate and acting like I have no morals or self-respect, you are not helpful. Bullying someone does not help people. I have self-respect and he's not just clear cut mean to me all the time, it's always a joke. I'm not trying to bully you. You have control of your relationship. You have the ability to vote with your feet & dump him. You do not have the ability to make him understand how hurtful these jokes are or that they are not funny. I would never stay with a man who humiliated me or called me names or insulted me. Why are you staying? It clearly bothers you. So take charge & do something to improve your situation. 2
Purepony Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Wow!! Drop that good for nothing loser ASAP !!
Versacehottie Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 ... to everyone saying I am desperate and acting like I have no morals or self-respect, you are not helpful. Bullying someone does not help people. I have self-respect and he's not just clear cut mean to me all the time, it's always a joke. ok i need to go back and re-read others answers (granted i just skimmed them), i didn't get the vibe that people said you have no morals or self-respect. If i missed it, i apologize. Anyway, sometimes people come from a tough love place. I think now that you've realized it's an issue for you, if you continue, it does become something like that. So if you need to see it to the end, let him know how it's making you feel and then if he can't or won't stop, it's on you to walk away. As far as "not mean all the time, it's a joke". It's insensitive at best then. I almost hesitated using the word abusive in my first post on this thread (both the word abusive and bullying are thrown out way too much IMO). I think just make it simple then (which might be still hard). I don't necessarily think someone has to be an evil person and the other one an angel. Sometimes things just don't work and the other person doesn't bring out the best in you or support you in a way that is productive and makes you feel good--that's clearly the case here. Makes it a little harder to walk away but once you have enough info that this is the case, you should do that so you can heal and find the person who is those good things for you. *and i think we are all aware of people who cut others down with things said as a joke and sarcasm. I think his is telling because of the subject matter is almost always your "deficiencies"/your looks which is not cool and not normal boyfriend behavior. I think the residual effect with these "jokes" is that you can tell there is truth to it in the other person's perception of you (not that it's literally true, just to be clear). Needless to say it's not kind or good manners. Also his timing sucks.Good luck 1
FMW Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 You can't fix him. Of course he's not mean all the time, he has to give you just enough reason to hold on so that he can continue having his own insecurities soothed by tearing you down. Deep down you know this is wrong and that you need to leave him. That's why you're posting here. Turn your indignation against him, not anonymous people on a forum telling you the uncomfortable truth (I say this from experience, the truth stings sometimes).
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