I feel like I can't trust him and I'm not sure if it's valid?

[naturelova29]

I am 26F and he is 25M. We first met at 14 at the end of eighth grade, and started dating the first time at 14 for 9 months. I was so in love and we were very happy, we mostly just made out and watched movies together, but during summer break I started having doubts and wasn't seeing him much and broke it off. Two months later when I saw him at school I regretted it deeply, but he had a new girlfriend, and I was devastated for sophomore year. Eventually I got over it and forgot about it, and moved on. We didn't talk for nine years. He had moved 2 hours away to college and I stayed in my hometown. In March 2017 he Facebook messaged me asking how I was, we met up. He revealed he missed me for many years, said I was amazing and gave him high expectations, and still even talked about me to his friends and compared me favorably to other girlfriends. We started dating in late April, he lived two hours away but would visit a couple times a week. He was moving back to my town in August and talked about living together possibly, but I told him it was too soon. My mom thought he might be trying to use me, but she is very suspicious and paranoid (she has schizophrenia). He moved in with his parents. He had collectors calling him constantly and owed a friend whom he wasn't paying back, but was buying weed and toys, and also he would tell me about past romantic issues that made me jealous that I guess he felt relevant to share, so one day I blew up at him about it all. He paid off all his debt and his friend and shut up about the other women, and later told me that he was glad I brought those things up to him, because he hated those things about himself but no one ever told him about them too, and he's glad he changed.

 

In April 2018, I went through his texts one day and saw that that morning he had went on a hike with a female friend that he hadn't seen in a couple of months. She's very very pretty, and he always initiated hanging out with her not vice versa, but they only saw each other every couple months, but I didn't know they had been hanging out. He had mentioned her previously saying that she used his friend for rides and thought she only liked him for his dog, yet he still likes seeing her so I feel he must have a crush on her. He had not mentioned she went on the hike with him, and when I asked about how he found out about the trail he said he didn't remember, but really she had told him about it. So, I got upset and told him I looked at his texts and knew he lied to me. He apologized and wasn't even mad I looked at his texts and said the only reason he lied was because he thought I would be jealous when there was nothing to worry about. So, the next day I lied to him about something small, I stopped caring, and the next day I ended our relationship, saying I loved him very much but did not see a future due to several issues.

 

We did not talk at all again until August. He texted me saying he missed me and was trying to move on but it was hard. I said I missed him too, but that I made the right decision. He wanted to be friends. He had left something at my place, so he came over to get it. We talked, he told me he wasn't dating, but was working on himself, he had lost a lot of weight, and was very in shape unlike before. Then, he came onto me and kissed me and we hooked up. Then we kept seeing each other about weekly, hanging out, going out to dinner, and hooking up. A month later after a romantic concert, I revealed to him that I missed dating him and asked if I'd ruined us forever. He said probably not forever but that I really hurt him and seemed sure that we weren't right together, and that we didn't want to get back together and me leave him again. He just wanted to keep doing what we were doing.

 

So, we did. In October, he surprised me at my apartment with flowers and wine and was all dressed up. I had so much hope. Then we went to a haunted house and took a picture together, and he changed his phone background to a picture of us. He planned a trip to a cabin for us in November and on that trip November 17th at a nice dinner he said he wanted to talk about us, that he really liked me, wasn't seeing anyone else, and asked if I wanted to start seriously dating him. I was taken aback and said yes. We had a great time.

 

So over the weekend he left me in my bedroom alone with his phone, and I got the itch to look through it. I had been curious, wondering if he was hiding anything or anyone from me. In October I knew that he went to his old town 2 hours away and I wondered who he was seeing. So I looked through his phone and saw messages with a female "friend" who I was suspicious about. Their last message was November 19th. I went back, and he had visited her in October to go to a haunted house. I went further back and in August he had texted her saying he wanted to spend the night with a winky face. They went to a wedding together in August or September and she sent him pictures of them all dressed up together. He texted her saying how much fun he had with her, and she said they needed to go on another trip together and that she missed her "Hisname". I knew they were friends, but he had not mentioned anything about her this round of dating me. Last round he said he thought something might be there but nothing ever happened. I guess they were seeing eachother and sleeping together over the summer. But he told me he wasn't dating anyone. I didn't see any text to her telling her that we was back with me, but it's on facebook now. Now, I'm going to be paranoid every time he goes and visit "friends" in his old town. I believe I saw she was moving four hours away and so maybe he just wanted me over her since she'll be far away?

 

I really am sad and angry and hurt. I actually did see a few people and slept with a few over the summer, but very shortly after seeing my ex I stopped talking to them and explained why. I am pretty distrustful in general, but I wish I could trust him. I used to be so in love with him. I still love him. He tells me that he loves me so much, that I'm his favorite person, that he's so happy I'm in his life and he loves being around me. He didn't text anything like that to her. I just don't know if I really know what kind of person he is. I really want to give my heart but I'm just so scared that he's keeping other women around as "friends" when really they're more. He has always had lots of female friends and it bothers me. Also, so I added our relationship on facebook a week ago. He liked it but didn't approve it, and when I saw him 3 days later I asked him if he knew he didn't approve it, he said he didn't know he had to and did it then. His relationship status, single, used to show on his profile summary on his main page but now it doesn't, you have to go into his about to see it. But it's on his wall...

 

What should I do? I want to talk to him about my trust issues but I feel he'll just get very angry. A couple weeks ago I brought up how one of his friendships makes me uncomfortable and he got very angry saying he can be friends with whoever he wants, and that I broke up with him twice, and that he gets anxiety too but doesn't bring it to me. That it hurts that I don't understand how much he cares for me. He said he was very depressed after we broke up and his mom thought he might commit suicide. Idk what to believe.

Edited December 11, 2018 by naturelova29

[naturelova29]

I am 26F and he is 25M. We dated for a year last year, had some problems, the last one being that he lied to me about going on a hike with a female friend, which I found out he went on a hike with her through his text messages every couple months but never told me about it. I did feel jealous of his female friends but he assured me there was nothing to worry about and that they were just friends. I met some of his friends but not all of them.

 

We were broken up from April, and he messaged me in August saying he missed me and was trying to move on but it was hard. So I told him I missed him but that I made the right decision to end the relationship. He said he wanted to be friends, so we met up, and he came on to me and we hooked up. He had lost a lot of weight and got very fit. And he said he wasn't dating but what working on himself. A month later, after weekly hangouts and hooking up, I revealed that I missed dating him and asked if I ruined us forever. He said probably not but that he didn't want to date at the moment and was working on himself.

 

Fast forward to November 17th, he asked me if I wanted to seriously date him again. I said yes.

 

So over the weekend I was feeling insecure and went through his text messages. I saw that he had been going to see a female "friend" who lived in another town 2 hours away, the last time they saw each other was October, and then I think the time before that was September or August. I know in August he said he wanted to spend the night with her with a winky face. They went to a wedding together, and a winery over the summer. He texted her semi frequently, but not near as frequently as us, who had daily communication. The last they talked was November 19th about movies or something.

 

So, I've been very distressed over this information. I'm not sure if he technically lied to me about "dating" others. And now I feel very uncomfortable with this female friend of his. I feel like maybe he has these friends just lined up for him. It's been driving me crazy. I want to talk to him about how I'm having trouble trusting him. Maybe ask him if he was seeing anyone during our time apart to see if he lies. Idk. I used to have such an amazing love for him and now I'm just scared I'll get hurt or I'm being used. He tells me very sweet things though, like that he loves me so fing much, that I make him so happy, and that he's so happy he has me in his life, that I'm wonderful, beautiful, the sexiest person ever... But I sometimes doubt I can even believe him, maybe he's just a player. It makes me so sad. What do I do?

[JanuaryAquarian]

It can't feel good to be feeling the way you are. I've been there. Maybe its best that you focus on yourself for a bit. When I was younger I would get jealous of a boyfriend's female friends. It is a horrible feeling. But I was insecure then, and dating someone who did not know how to fulfil my needs, which made me feel worse. Eventually, I came to realize that jealousy is not an emotion to play with. Avoid giving into it at all costs. Cautiously trust unless its proven that you shouldn't trust someone. If this guy is acting in ways that make your jealously uncontrollable, take a breather and take some time for yourself so that you can get away from such negative feelings.

Edited December 11, 2018 by JanuaryAquarian

[naturelova29]

Yes, I feel terrible like this. Not to mention I'm very stressed out several other life things but this is taking precedence in my mind for some reason. And he wants to move in together, and I have to let my apartment complex know in two weeks, meanwhile I don't even know if I can trust this guy. It really really sucks. He'll hate me forever if I leave him again, and if I bring up my lack of trust, I know he'll just get mad at me.

[JanuaryAquarian]

If you want to try to save the relationship, talk to him. I suggest framing the conversation as you having an issue with jealousy right now, as opposed to you not trusting him. I hope this doesn't sound harsh but as Ive said, I've been there. This is as much an issue with you as anything else. Moreover, how he responds to this conversation should be telling. If this is to continue, you need him to understand that you are dealing with negative emotions. If he meets that with compassion, then you know that he cares about you. I hope this helps.

[olivetree]

He lied to you in the past about hiking with his female friend.

 

Even if you did not like him hanging out with female friends alone (no idea if that was the case) and he wanted to avoid a fight, it's still not cool and makes everything worse.

 

While you were broken up, it seems he did not work on his honesty as he lied to you again by saying he was working on himself and not dating others whenhe clearly was.

 

So yes he did lie and that would bother me too.

While he was free to date while you were apart, once again everything is worse because he hid it from you and gave you a false impression that he was only into you when really he was test driving another girl and hooking up with you at the same time.

 

I hope that provides some clarity.

I do not think this is a problem with your jealousy and I would advise you not to frame it in such a way when talking with him.

Its like you're taking the blame.

 

Why did you break up?

Edited December 11, 2018 by olivetree

[JanuaryAquarian]

Let me clarify,

 

I just meant that she should look out for herself right now. Jealously sucks! It is such a awful thing to feel.

 

It is still very much possible that he is not trustworthy. Thus, I am not saying she is to blame or should take the blame or that her lack of trust is unjustified.

 

I don't want to tell her to break up with him because I can't fully know their situation through a post. I am just suggesting that she take some time for herself so she can have relief from these emotions. If she wants to discuss things with him, she can. I don't think that there is any shame in her being honest about how she is feeling. I was just trying to suggest a new way of communicating her feelings to him, one that wouldn't put him on the defensive.

 

In the end, she may be better off without him, even still maybe he truly cares and is not cheating despite possible hookups when they were broken up and him not feeling that he could be honest with her about going hiking for whatever reason. Who knows but him?

 

Stepping back and getting perspective will hopefully give her some clarity and the confidence she needs right now. She said in her post she was jealous and insecure. She needs to feel secure in herself again. Going through a persons phone in a bout of (possibly justified) insecurity is a sure sign that she needs to detach from this situation and find what makes her secure instead.

[d0nnivain]

Confess that you looked through his phone. Then talk about what you found.

 

Do you know this other woman? Is she aware that you & this guy are dating? If she really is just a friend, can the 3 of you hang out / go on a hike together? If she can be a friend to your relationship, there may be a path forward. However, if he balks at you 2 in the same room, odds are they are at least FWB & you would be right to walk away again, this time forever. If you can't trust him, there is no foundation for a relationship

[BaileyB]

I'm not sure if you should trust this guy, or not...

 

But, the most recent messages you read were for plans made while you were not together. I'm not sure that I woul worry about things that have occurred, while you were not dating.

 

The question is - this guy has other "friends" in his life. Maybe they are just "friends," maybe they are not. You obviously need to have a conversation with his, hear what he has to say about boundaries in a relationship, and then decide if that will work for you. Good luck.

 

ETA, your other thread provides a little more context. With the other information, I would suggest that you let this relationship go. It doesn't sound like it's been a healthy experience for either of you.

Edited December 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I think, you have been on again/off again with a guy, you have both had sex with other people (when you were off again), he has financial issues and uses weed, and he is telling you that he had suicidal thoughts when you last broke up...

 

This is not love. This has all the makings of an unhealthy relationship that will continue for years and cause you both misery and heartache. You really need to consider the fact that this "love story" is not what you want it to be... To be honest, it sounds like the first immature relationship you have that teaches you everything you DON'T want in a partner, and a relationship.

Edited December 11, 2018 by BaileyB

[olivetree]

With more context than your other post this does seem a lot more unhealthy.

 

Here you talk about lies and guilt tripping.

He shuts you down by getting angry when you talk about your feelings and reminds you he seemed suicidal when you broke up.

Ick.

 

If you're distrustful of men, time to start dating trustworthy guys.

I don't think he is it.

[TheFinalWord]

You two were not exclusive and he is 25. He is going to date around for probably another 5 years before he'll be ready for anything serious. When he said that you should just keep doing what you were doing, he was telling you you two were not exclusive. You both were sleeping around, but you told yourself you stopped and put the same standard on him, though he never agreed to it.

[olivetree]

You two were not exclusive and he is 25. He is going to date around for probably another 5 years before he'll be ready for anything serious. When he said that you should just keep doing what you were doing, he was telling you you two were not exclusive. You both were sleeping around, but you told yourself you stopped and put the same standard on him, though he never agreed to it.

 

That's not the issue.

He still lied about dating other people and overlapping with her.

 

In your example above, the lying is the issue.

[BaileyB]

You two were not exclusive and he is 25. He is going to date around for probably another 5 years before he'll be ready for anything serious. When he said that you should just keep doing what you were doing, he was telling you you two were not exclusive. You both were sleeping around, but you told yourself you stopped and put the same standard on him, though he never agreed to it.

 

And, there is no guarantee that he will continue to date around for 5 more years... that is a rather arbitrary number.

 

Although, I agree with you that right now - he is not ready for anything serious. Which is why I would say to OP, don’t waste too much time with this guy...

[naturelova29]

That's not the issue.

He still lied about dating other people and overlapping with her.

 

In your example above, the lying is the issue.

 

Yes, I mean I never asked him if he was dating anyone, he offered up that information saying he wasn’t. When it seems like he was. So, I feel like he lied to me. He said he hadn’t been on a date in a while, had only been out to dinner with his family, when in August he went to dinner with her I’m pretty sure.

 

He could have been doing whatever when not with me. I know. I’m not really sure what all or is going on between them. I don’t freaking know what to think anymore.

[TheFinalWord]

That's not the issue.

He still lied about dating other people and overlapping with her.

 

In your example above, the lying is the issue.

 

She also snooped on his phone, which tells me she's a liar too. Birds of a feather.

 

Sleeping with a girl is not necessarily dating her. In a strict sense, he wasn't lying.

 

Don't listen though, I don't care. This relationship is toxic because neither of them really care about each other. Its about who can use the other and get what they want.